My gf still talks to her Ex, should I be worried

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My gf still talks to her Ex, should I be worried

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    wvudave82
    Participant
    June 22, 2014 at 6:05 pm #55889
    My gf still talks to her Ex, should I be worried

    I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about 8 months now. Before we were together she was in an on again, off again 10 year relationship with her ex bf. They broke up last July. We met while they were in a relationship. I see that she still texts him and while I’m not 100% sure of what they’re talking about, it has me worried. She let him in the house when he gave her flowers and when I was over I noticed that she had them in a vase. I express to her my concerns about her talking to her ex bf of about a year now. I told her that if they want to be friends in the future I don’t care but right now I don’t want them talking bc I feel that we need to work on us and I don’t feel comfortable with them talking. Since that conversation she says she still talks to him. She says she’s in love with me and wants to be with me.

    What do you guys think that I should do. I don’t want to give her an ultimatum but I don’t feel comfortable knowing that she still talks to him.


    Shadowsnake
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 12:05 am #55903

    yes be worried. theres always an annoying ex trying to get back with his girl. if you guys get into an argument, it could very easily send her flying into his arms again


    Anonymous
    June 23, 2014 at 12:25 am #55907

    Hi! Yes…there is reason to be concerned. I understand why you would be uncomfortable. I would not recommend any ultimatums or asking her to not talk to him. It’s putting in the role of being a “parent” over her telling her what she can and cannot do. Your attempt to control her choices can absolutely activate a rebellion in her! She is an adult and has the freedom to design her life as she pleases. She can take in your requests, but she does not have to follow them.

    It sounds like she is not completely resolved with her ex boyfriend. That is the MAJOR danger with getting involved too soon before complete healing has taken place from past relationships. She can be in love with you and want to be with you AND still have a strong bond with her ex. The thing is, there is nothing you can do about this. This is about her creating resolution inside herself. You chose to be with someone who had some unfinished business. In a way, you are a rebound guy. After 10 years of


    Anonymous
    June 23, 2014 at 12:31 am #55908

    being connected to someone, her best choice would be to spend a lot of time ALONE! You know someone is completely resolved about their past relationships when they are alone and choose to not connect. They feel indifferent about their ex. There is no anger or hurt and there is no desire to go back or connect on any level. THAT IS RESOLUTION! She obviously does not have this. No matter how much she loves you, this will not change. Her ex left an emptiness inside of her….but then you came in and filled it vs. her filling that emptiness on her own. So I am sorry to say….you cannot tell her what she can and cannot do. You are not her parent. You have to deal with the fact that regardless of how it makes you feel, she is going to do as she pleases and not protect your relationship. That is information you need to know about her. You make a request, she ignores it, now the ball is in your court. You now have to decide if you are okay with being treated like this.


    wvudave82
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 12:33 am #55909

    Agreed. I don’t want to lose her but I didn’t want to think that I was being unreasonable if I say that she cant talk to him. Im not an argumentative person and don’t want to push her away but I need to do whats right


    Anonymous
    June 23, 2014 at 12:37 am #55910

    This is not about her changing, this is about you either accepting her choice or you making a choice to leave because she is not willing to be on the same page as you. She is already showing you that she is not willing to change, so the only change that come here is from you. Embrace and accept or don’t. It sounds so simple, but of course it never is when the heart and love is involved. You can say something to the effect of “listen….I am not going to tell you what to do. I have no desire to control you. You must know however, that when you choose to stay connected with him, it hurts me. It make me feel uncomfortable. It makes me want to pull away and disconnect from you. You still can do what you want, just know this is my reaction to your choice to stay connected. If you continue to not protect our relationship, there is probably going to be a point that I won’t be able to hold on anymore as I need someone who fights for me, protects our connection definitely has all


    Anonymous
    June 23, 2014 at 12:41 am #55912

    past relationships resolved completely. This is definitely not what I want with you. I want to be with you. However, I need to be 100% chosen in return if we are going to continue growing together. I will not compete with another man for your energy or attention. That is not okay for me…..etc” Hopefully this gives you a way to communicate your needs without controlling her and at the same time, letting her know the seriousness and implications of her choices. Good luck!


    wvudave82
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 8:36 am #55911

    Honestly I don’t know if I could go on like this. You are 100% right I cant tell her what to do. Ive told her millions of times that I cant. I don’t want to lose her and I see so much potential in our relationship. Whether im right or wrong I feel like we cant move forward as a couple if she talks to him. I don’t see what good could come of it.


    wvudave82
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 8:36 am #55914

    You’re 100% right. I don’t want to control her. Ive told her a bunch of times that I don’t feel comfortable with the fact that she talks to him but I’ve made it clear that I cant make her do anything. When Im with her I feel that I’m not all there. Ive been so good to her and without sounding conceded I would do anything for her and she knows it..its just I feel like I cant give her my all now that I know she talks to him. I want to talk to her about it and she gets very defensive. Its like theres never a good time to talk things with her.


    wvudave82
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 8:37 am #55917

    You’re absolutely right. I’ve made it clear that I want no ultimatums and that I cant control what she does. It just makes me feel uncomfortable and not myself when we hang out. Its like a dark cloud hanging over me and no matter how hard I try to not think about it it consumes me and makes me feel uncomfortable. I want to talk to her about it but she gets very defensive, changes the subject or gets upset that I bring it up.


    wvudave82
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 8:37 am #55920

    past relationships resolved completely. This is definitely not what I want with you. I want to be with you. However, I need to be 100% chosen in return if we are going to continue growing together. I will not compete with another man for your energy or attention. That is not okay for me…..etc” Hopefully this gives you a way to communicate your needs without controlling her and at the same time, letting her know the seriousness and implications of her choices. Good luck!

    You’re absolutely right. I’ve made it clear that I want no ultimatums and that I cant control what she does. It just makes me feel uncomfortable and not myself when we hang out. Its like a dark cloud hanging over me and no matter how hard I try to not think about it it consumes me and makes me feel uncomfortable. I want to talk to her about it but she gets very defensive, changes the subject or gets upset that I bring it up.


    wvudave82
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 8:39 am #55942
    Reply To: My gf still talks to her Ex, should I be worried

    Sorry for the duplicate responses. When I sent them it didn’t show up on the board so I basically repeated what I said.


    wvudave82
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 8:40 am #55925

    You’re absolutely right. I’ve made it clear that I want no ultimatums and that I cant control what she does. It just makes me feel uncomfortable and not myself when we hang out. Its like a dark cloud hanging over me and no matter how hard I try to not think about it it consumes me and makes me feel uneasy. I want to talk to her about it but she gets very defensive, changes the subject or gets upset that I bring it up.


    westrobert1
    Participant
    June 23, 2014 at 12:31 pm #55957
    Reply To: My gf still talks to her Ex, should I be worried

    Could be of concern, go ahead and sit down with her and let her know what your thinking


    Anonymous
    June 23, 2014 at 2:55 pm #55968
    Reply To: My gf still talks to her Ex, should I be worried

    okay…..I will give you more pieces of information that may help create some clarity for you. I am going to focus on you first as that is all you have any control over (then I will talk about her) Your reaction is coming from your own baggage. Your reaction is YOUR responsibility to correct, not hers. Many people get defensive when I offer this viewpoint as people love to blame the other person for the reason they are hurting, but truth is, you are choosing to believe in some kind of story about what it means that she is still talking to him. So look at that story. She is talking to her ex boyfriend because he is meeting some of her needs that maybe you aren’t. She is talking to her ex boyfriend which makes you believe that you are in some type of competition for her heart, which then means you are not enough for her. She is talking to her ex boyfriend because she still loves him. (these are just possible examples of the story you are putting on her choice). Now this is

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