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ThatGuy101ParticipantMarch 22, 2017 at 3:31 am #130767
My girlfriend doesn’t like my jokes, mannerisms, and form of speech. I have grown up in a roughish house with swearing, extensive sarcasm and a very care free house meanwhile my girlfriend has lived in a complete opposite environment. She’s grown up with serious upbringing, talking about her problems, family support; a very emotional household and I have been brought up with a “get over it” attitude to solve my problems and a very emotionally distant family (which I have come to peace with and have come to like). Problem is, my GF doesn’t like my methods and wants me to change my way of life to suit hers but at the same time wants me to be the same as I have always been. She doesn’t like my swearing or sarcasm.
I don’t ever suggest she change anything about herself but I feel she wants me to change me. I have turned to this website because I cannot have this conversation without setting off an anxiety attack. I love her and just need some guidance and help on what I can do.
madhattyParticipantMarch 23, 2017 at 9:06 pm #131018
You shouldn’t have to change yourself for anyone and, although it can be hard for you to do like you said, you should definitely let her know how you feel about your relationship. A healthy relationship is built on mutual trust and honesty so I feel having a conversation with her is the way forward for you. Maybe sit with some music on in the background with a cup of tea or something, create a calming casual atmosphere, and be spontaneous about having the conversation, because planning it with her before hand can make it seem like less of a chat and more of an interrogation. Tell her how you feel about HER and that you love her and love being with her, then voice how you feel about the relationship. This may allow her to open up about how she feels about the relationship too and might work things out. I honestly hope this works out for you, good luck xx
MplsMinnieParticipantMarch 29, 2017 at 6:50 pm #131543
Sounds like your GF may have had some trauma that she’s not prepared to talk about. That kind of reaction signals there’s a deeper underlying issue.
You shouldn’t have to change your manner of self-expression to suit her. That being said, there is a time for joking and a time for tenderness. When you try to talk to her about why your language and humor upsets her, remember it’s not about you. You sound like a good and loving partner. This is a problem with her feelings, emotions, and uncontrollable reactions. If you two can get to the root of why she’s upset, you can work as a team to find a solution where you’re both happy.
Emphasize that you want to understand and work with her. Telling her “It’s not fair that I change myself for you” sounds to her like “You’re not worth the effort.” Clearly that’s not what you’re saying at all, but if she’s had some traumatic events in her life, that’s what the voice in her head is saying. Focus on being a team and making a plan together.
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