My next move

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My next move

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    asktree
    Participant
    July 8, 2015 at 6:02 am #82217
    My next move

    Hello All,
    I got introduced to this girl 7 months ago through dating website. She’s three hours drive away from me. She moved to her parents’ place few months ago. We talked few times a week on phone. We met 4 times in person and hangout comfortably. We talked comfortably on various topics like hobbies, religion, spending habits. We also talked about premarital sex, parenting and so on. As far as sex , we were like, we both are not virgin, so if both are ok with this then could go for the same. Now she stays with her folks and they have very conservative, traditional family. Her mom is against couples staying together before marriage and premarital sex.
    Six weeks ago, she came to my town and staying at her friend’s place. We went to the bar had few drinks, which made her tipsy. We kissed with tongue. I asked her to come to my place. Her friend and she say she’s too drunk for it, but I could come to her friends place and hangout with her. Later that night, I fingered and tongued her.


    asktree
    Participant
    July 8, 2015 at 9:08 am #82218

    Then she fall asleep-passed out, so I stopped and came to my place.
    Next day, she had hangover, and instead of going to museum and restaurant as we planned, we just went to book-store in town. She could not remember anything from last night. But she said she doesn’t feel weird, and we are good to go. I asked shall we take our relationship to next level, she said, she has too many things going on her life, she need some time to gather her life together, we should date, lets be friends.
    After this event, I called her, texted her for couple of weeks, but she did not reply at all. I contacted her through her friend, then she texted saying she’s busy and call me later. One week later also, she texted same thing she’s busy. Now this is almost 6 weeks and we had no communication other that two short text messages. I’m calling n texting her 2-3 times a week.
    How should I deal with this? I like this girl and see my future with her. Shall I still try to continue to contact her, or contact her


    asktree
    Participant
    July 8, 2015 at 9:08 am #82219

    or contact her through her friend? Give her some more time as she might be embarrassed to talk with me, influenced form her parents. Or shall I assume that she wants to break up with me and this is her nice way to do so, and let this go. I remember before our last meeting, it was 2 months I was trying to meet her but we couln’t because of one or another reason from her. But I want to be with this girl and do not want to lose her any cost.
    Let me what should be best approach in this case.


    Timing_87
    Participant
    July 8, 2015 at 7:49 pm #82413

    To be honest- I think you shouldnt have fingered her if she was drunk and you guys hadnt been intimate like that before. You got ahead of yourself! It sent out all the wrong signals to her if shes looking at you like her potential future.

    Leave it- she needs her space. She will come to you – but respect her space


    asktree
    Participant
    July 8, 2015 at 11:35 pm #82426

    Hi Sven Beckerman,
    I know we meet for handful of times, but we talk on phone for hundreds of hours.
    2 months time before last meet was discussed by us and she came with multiple reasons, some where beyond her control.
    I do agree with point of removing pressure from the relationship, will make it flow freely. I got impression of her being sure, when in one of the meeting she introduced me to her folks. I think girls don’t do that for casual relationship.
    “let her go” is definitely hard considering my past options. but thats by default option.
    Thanks for your input.


    asktree
    Participant
    July 8, 2015 at 11:42 pm #82427

    Hello Timing_87,
    In the hindsight, I also think fingering might be too much. But when she involved tongue in kissing, I considered only way to return the favor, make her happy for was this one. As per her reply, I stopped the moves which she didn’t like and continued the things which she encouraged. Next day, I tired to talk about it, but she said she didn’t remember anything and do not want to talk about it. Then question is, if she doesn’t remember any action, then how that could be reason to stop communication?
    Yes, I know she needs her space, but how much? few days/ weeks/ months? It has been 6 weeks now. So shall I cut off communication completely now or should keep her contacting at maintenance level, a call / one or two texts a week?
    Let me know. Thanks a bunch.


    Timing_87
    Participant
    July 9, 2015 at 11:20 pm #82592

    As someone who has been in a similar situ to her, a loooonnnng time ago.

    For me the only thing which might have worked is no contact for 3 months… yes! And then sending something funny to her to see if she is ready to re engage.

    If she contacts you then fine… and she might! Even if it means dating someone inbetween as the last memory of you isn’t great. Pushing on her, will make you come across forceful.

    Some girls are passive when it comes to that kind of stuff, whilst she went along with you after she said she didnt like it, she may not have wanted to anymore. And then regret later. Chances are she does remember. Also I kiss with my tongue, but it doesnt necessarily mean fingers go downstairs. I really think leave it… I don’t mean to sound harsh so please do not think that. But if you respect her you have to step back.


    bobjohnson5667
    Participant
    July 11, 2015 at 5:43 pm #82662

    put a ring on it


    coldpillow
    Participant
    July 14, 2015 at 10:18 am #82769
    Reply To: My next move

    You need to give it time.


    zach94
    Participant
    July 17, 2015 at 7:41 am #82970
    Reply To: My next move

    I’ve been in that situation a few times. I would say try keeping your distance, don’t message her for a while. Maybe text her once every 2 weeks, when she replies, don’t text back for like 3 days. Show her you have other options. Don’t sweat over one girl, there’s one exactly like her at your local bar. She might “not remember” cause she wanted you to seal the deal. Maybe


    asktree
    Participant
    July 20, 2015 at 1:56 am #83026
    Reply To: My next move

    Hi Timing_87, thanks for reply.
    3 months options is fine. But when I’ll contact her after 3 months then its on that circumstances whether she gets back to me or not. I have done this option before, but it started communication out of curiosity, but didn’t yield expected outcome. So I’m thinking passive maintenance schedule- contact ph/ text once a week or so. Just to her know, I’m still considering her, at the same time not annoying her.
    Im trying hard to date someone, but so far options I have, are not as suitable as her for me.
    I do understand, some persons can be passive at some time when it comes to physical relationship.But when she told me stop, I did stop.If she remembers, I asked her twice would she like to talk about it, she said no. We both apologized to each other.


    asktree
    Participant
    July 20, 2015 at 2:07 am #83027
    Reply To: My next move

    Hello Timing_87 contd.,
    I think kiss w/ tongue was forward guesture. I addition to that, when some asks other person to come in the room after 5 mins and stands with only T-shirt on, what am I expected to do- walk out of it. If I have done so, I thought she might think about me in another way.
    Its not harsh, to not to think about physical relationship, because I’m serious about this relationship and I can hold on physical contact as long as she wants. I just want to convey this message to her, for that we need to establish communication. I’m planing to talk to her friend and see of she (her friend) has any insight into this. At least, I can tell her friend, what I need to tell her and the her friend can pass the message and she can decide. I prefer direct communication approach, but as its closed as of now, I’m thinking of friend option.


    asktree
    Participant
    July 20, 2015 at 2:16 am #83028
    Reply To: My next move

    Hi Timing_87 contd,
    Yes, I do respect her, thats why Im steeping back. I’m not confronting her and ask for Yes or No , because I know the answer as of now and do not want to buy it. I’m hoping as time passes, when she takes care of few things in her life, getting back to normal working life- coming out of current disability situation, might give her ability to think about serious relationship.


    asktree
    Participant
    July 20, 2015 at 2:33 am #83030
    Reply To: My next move

    Hi bobjohnson5667,
    Yaap, my ring id waiting for correct finger, Thanks.

    Hello coldpillow,
    I’m giving it a time, since last 1 month, 3 weeks. Question is how long should I do so? one more month or till she replies. I have my limitations of resources and time is first one. I can wait for few months, not forever. Thanks.

    Hey zach94,
    Thanks for reply. Yes, I’m doing once a week call schedule and lets see how it goes.
    Yes, its a fine balance- I want show her, I do care and consider her, but not desperate for her.
    Seal the deal- may be, I hope so, but this silence is killing me. I hope, I have enough patience to survive through this.

    BenEaster
    BenEaster
    Participant
    July 20, 2015 at 2:44 am #83032
    Reply To: My next move

    Brother, it’s time to let it go. You won’t be able to do anything with this for some indefinite amount of time and meanwhile it sounds like you could just stand to improve your skill with women a little in the meantime. If I were you I would quit contacting her at all. Don’t tell yourself it’s so she will know that you are still considering her. It’s because you want her to keep considering you. Stop. It’s coming across as needy, even if she doesn’t tell you that it is.

    The best thing you can do is continue to date other people. If you aren’t meeting at least 2-3 new people a week, then you have no idea whether or not anyone is as good a match for you. There are 7 billion people on the planet, half of them are women. Don’t get hung up on one who isn’t interested in you.

    Sorry if that sounds a little harsh from your current perspective, but I promise you will be able to do better if you practice.

    Good Luck!

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