Need a man's opinion on emotional availability…

DATING ADVICE FORUM

Need a man's opinion on emotional availability…

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    nautilus10
    Participant
    July 26, 2017 at 1:15 pm #143305
    Need a man's opinion on emotional availability…

    BACKSTORY: I’m a recently divorced woman with 2 kids and met a man online who is almost divorced (paperwork going through). He’s 46 with 3 older kids, pretty religious, kind, and funny. We’ve been casually dating (with non-stop calling/texting) and have gone on 3 dates, all of which were filled with hysterical laughter, witty banter, and white hot chemistry. We have not had sex because he said he wanted to wait as he will fall hard when he does, so he needs to make sure it’s for the right reasons/person and not to replace his ex (which is admirable, but rare. Maybe due to religious convictions…), but the foreplay has been amazing.

    He has been very honest with me and told me that he is not emotionally available right now as he is processing the loss of his marriage. I told him I’m okay with that for now as I’m not emotionally ready to handle anything serious anyway, but that if I were to develop feelings, then I would bow out before I got hurt. (CONTINUED)


    nautilus10
    Participant
    July 26, 2017 at 1:16 pm #143306

    Throughout our conversations he has told me that I am a unicorn (i.e., he loved my mind and heart, and I was sexy as hell), that if he weren’t a hot mess just out of divorce he would court me properly and fall hard, that he’s never felt more comfortable being himself with someone (not even his ex), that he wishes he had met me down the road instead of right now, that it’s as if we have known each other for years, and “do you know how much I trust you?” Those don’t seem like casual dating phrases btw.

    We were dating/talking non-stop for 1.5 months on the phone when he ghosted me for about 3 weeks. Right before he ghosted me, I told him that I was going to bow out because I know he wants to keep things casual (he was dating 2 other women at the time) and I don’t anymore, but that I’m not asking him to change, so I said peace out. Three weeks of silence and he reaches out saying he misses me, that he knows he’s not ready to date more seriously, but that he didn’t want to let me go.(CONT)


    nautilus10
    Participant
    July 26, 2017 at 2:56 pm #143307

    I firmly stated my boundaries that I don’t want to date him casually because I like him and I’m not asking him to change, so perhaps we could just be friends. We’ve had incredible conversations since that feel like home/strong connection with both laughing hysterically and being very honest. Yet I am fooling myself in thinking I can be just friends with him because I like him too much and know he’s not ready for any sort of commitment and may never be.

    QUESTION: I know I should stop interacting with him because I am not getting all of my needs met. So when you know something is not perfect, but has potential to be great over time, do I still cut it off in advance to protect my heart, knowing I may be missing out on something amazing? Or do I wait it out knowing with each conversation I may fall a bit more for the guy, but with time, patience, and healing, it could develop into a slow, but strong connection? Am I delusional or should I give it a chance?

    July 26, 2017 at 11:50 pm #143379

    To ghost on you for three weeks and then follow up with “I miss you” suggests to me that he had stronger feelings for another woman but she ended up rejecting him. At least he didn’t have sex with you and ghost.

    I think you should try and meet other men, but keep him available just in case. The other men will provide a Plan B and also take your mind off him.


    nautilus10
    Participant
    July 27, 2017 at 1:13 pm #143421

    Thanks, Maxamillian Michaels! Good advice. Can I ask is it normal for men to say the bit about being a unicorn and loving my mind and heart? I didn’t think men said those types of things (in second message) unless they meant them, but maybe some men feel the need to randomly and unnecessarily compliment? I mean, I certainly wasn’t fishing for them. I know actions speak louder than words, but I always thought men were pretty much say-what-they-mean kind of people. Any insight into the male psyche would be much appreciated!


    priyusa86
    Participant
    July 29, 2017 at 7:18 am #143545

    Seriously life is so confusing


    Sara72
    Participant
    July 30, 2017 at 2:54 am #143578

    I think keep him in your life but on a friends only basis i.e. physical contact whatsoever. Im not sure if you are just chatting over the phone currently but if you do meet up you still need to keep boundaries in terms of conversation also. And at the same time try to keep dating but I know from my own experience this is hard if you are into someone else..however I also know if someone else amazing comes along you will forget this guy too!


    Sara72
    Participant
    July 30, 2017 at 2:55 am #143579

    Sorry missed the bit about a mans opinion Im a woman obviously…!