Need a man's perspective about texting

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Need a man's perspective about texting

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    AlexxA
    Participant
    February 10, 2017 at 2:40 pm #126498
    Need a man's perspective about texting

    Guy added me on facebook. We had a lot of mutual friends. He initiated talking, asked for my number. He contacts me daily and we text for hours. Its been two months. He seems to like me a lot, I think. He’s very flirtatious. We have not had the chance to meet because he is 4 hours away at graduate school. He has jokingly asked me to make the trip there to come visit him, but I have told him no because though we have a lot of mutual friends, he is still a stranger, we aren’t dating, and I’m not some long distance booty call. I’ve made it very clear to him I am not this type of girl to chase a guy. He is originally from here, so should be coming home to see family periodically throughout the year and hopefully when schools out, he will move back. I love talking to him. I enjoy going throughout my day knowing that when we are home from work we will talk. I’m starting to like him and getting attached.

    What perspective does a guy have of this situation, as a guy?

    richiro
    richiro
    Participant
    February 11, 2017 at 8:23 pm #126578

    if it were me i would be passing on you.
    you come off as a bit anti-male and high maintenance and expect the guy to do everything

    “i’m not a ld bootay call”
    “i don’t chase men”

    unless he’s been strongly hinting at sex between you two or the convo has been highly sexual – that seems a bit presumptious and inappropriate. now if he has been highly sexual and sexually suggestive with oyu – i get those statements…

    still.. even at that it sounds a bit high maintenance and anti-male and that you expect the male to do everything. i woudlnt’ be intersted in that.


    AlexxA
    Participant
    February 11, 2017 at 11:02 pm #126582

    Oh gosh. I never meant to come across that way. I am just trying to protect myself. I was in a really bad situation before where I was with a man who manipulated me for a long time, made me feel guilty all the time, and broke me inside. He was never wrong, and if I said anything to him, he would make me think I was crazy and he was fine, and I shouldn’t have questioned him, because he’s a good person, and how could I think he was bad. He would lie to me, and not take responsibility for his actions. I gave him so much heart, and he broke me down. I went from a fun loving, cute girl, to second guessing, myself all the time, and being self conscious about myself. I have since moved on from this man, gotten myself some help, and have recovered from the emotional instability and almost abuse. So I do have a bit of a wall up, when it comes to men hurting me.

    On the other hand, this guy does make very sexual based comments to me.


    AlexxA
    Participant
    February 11, 2017 at 11:09 pm #126583

    We have joked around. Flirting. I keep it simple. Kissing, and innocent things. He will say he wants to:
    spank me (he jokingly tells me this on numerous occasions where it has now become a joke, but I think he definitely would)
    how he is better than all the other weak boys I have been with
    He wants to have control with me
    How it would be a fun change of pace for me to be with him from my past experience. (I didn’t tell him about my sexual past, but he can tell I’m pretty innocent, not totally, but mostly)
    “you know what would be fun, me in your bed”
    “you’ve never been in be with me before”

    Thus I say these things and because, to me, these comments are very suggestive


    AlexxA
    Participant
    February 11, 2017 at 11:10 pm #126584

    I think it would be different if we had met and had dated. I thinks its hot for him to make these comments. But we have yet to meet or go on a date or even kiss. So saying these things seems a little crazy to me.

    richiro
    richiro
    Participant
    February 12, 2017 at 1:12 pm #126597

    oh i know you didn’t mean it… lol. that’s nature’s little trick on us – males and females just communicate completely differently 🙂
    now.. i’m not telling you its wrong to not want to be a long distance booty call. i’m not saying its wrong for you to not be “that girl that chases men”… i completely understand it and i know its only for your own protection. No problem with that.

    ok.. so now that i know more of what he’s actually said.. that does qualify as him “being suggestive” and strongly hinting that what he wants is sex. so ou are right to feel like you should protect yourself here. and i agree with you. however such things can be said without .. being combative or confrontational and give off the thing that you are “anti male”.

    i know its hard. but we really need to do the “innocent until proven guilty” approach. but as a female you also need to protect yourself above anything else. but that can be done without being combative or confrontational eh?

    richiro
    richiro
    Participant
    February 12, 2017 at 1:15 pm #126598

    lastly.. it is clear you are a bit anti-male (so i was right) b/c of your past experience.. and that’s okay. but realize it will be something yo have to work thru and decide how to use your past to deal with this in a POSITIVE and HEALTHY way rather than negative and ue future men as a scapegoat to lash out against towards your ex’s.. nobody ever gets into a good relationship that way.

    how to do that is a really long discussion which i won’t get into here. but there is a HEALTHY way to do it – and it amounts to… don’t punish new guys and don’t assume new guys are all the same. each guy should get a fresh start until he himself crosses the line or shows he’s going to cross the line.

    i think in this case you are right to wait until he’s back locally then see how it goes – does he still pressure you for sex? how engaging is he when its not sexual content being exchanged? etc.

    good luck


    AlexxA
    Participant
    February 12, 2017 at 5:10 pm #126614

    Thank you so much. I’m glad its more clear now. I have so much anxiety that I will end up being with a guy who ends up treating me like my ex, so I think I prematurely freak out. For example, around major events, say Valentines Day is coming up, my ex- long distance, would purposely go MIA before hand. I would not hear from him for weeks. I am already thinking this new guy is going to do that. I keep trying to get through my head that this new guy isn’t a jerk and has been talking to me for two months now.

    I don’t want to be this way. My ex messed me up so badly. I was super depressed and low. I am happy. I have good things going for me. I have a good job, apartment, car, friends, family etc…I really want to love someone and share my life with them. I want someone to get to know the real cute, nice girl that I am. I’m open to finding someone. I want a relationship. I have a big heart and lots of love to give.


    AlexxA
    Participant
    February 12, 2017 at 5:13 pm #126615

    He isn’t suggestive all the time. And I mean sometimes I openly flirt with him too, but he takes it further in my opinion. Like today. He texted me during the day, which was a great sign. Didn’t start flirting with me. Asking about what I have been doing today. It was nice. But I tell him what I have been doing and then he tells me after I ask him, and then he kinda of goes dead. He doesn’t engage fully. He isn’t asking questions about me. Its like when we aren’t flirting, he holds back emotionally. I know we are just texting, but I want to get to know someone. Because I feel him holding back, I feel myself holding back, which is me putting on my protective front. I want to be myself and open. But he isn’t asking what kind of food, movies, music I like. He isn’t trying to ask me questions. One night I asked him to tell me an interesting story about himself. He was too tired to think. I know he was tried, but seemed like excuses. Then the other night he asked me the same thing.