Need Advice Ending a Longish Term Relationship

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Need Advice Ending a Longish Term Relationship

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    someguy91
    Participant
    November 11, 2017 at 8:57 pm #155905
    Need Advice Ending a Longish Term Relationship

    Hi all,

    I’m looking for some advice on how to end my 5 year relationship.

    If the nitty-gritty details are needed I’m happy to share but the jist of it is, I’ve fallen out of love with this girl and want to break up but in the most delicate way. I know it’s going to hurt and that’s unavoidable but I want to minimize the impact for her and make things as easy as possible.

    We own a place together but I can stay with family and wouldn’t even be looking to sell if she wants to keep it … we can work something out.

    Even though I don’t romantically love her I actually do want to remain friends and I definitely don’t want to hurt her.

    Any words of wisdom to help limit the damage would be appreciated.

    • This topic was modified 1 week, 2 days ago by  someguy91.

    Jeremy23422
    Participant
    November 12, 2017 at 9:35 am #155920

    Breakups are hell and your situation is not enviable. I think you should scrap the notion, at least in the short term, of staying friends and not hurting her. If she is still in love with you, no matter how you initiate, YES it’s going to hurt her and the odds of your staying friends in the immediate future are slim to non-existent. Having said that: don’t fall into a FOBU (fear of breaking up) situation, where you agree to stay with her just to sacrifice your own feelings and long-term happiness. I don’t know how old you are (?) but regardless, you owe it to yourself AND to her to be honest about where you’re at emotionally – if you lie to her, and/or to yourself, that’s only going to hurt her more in the long term.

    I speak somewhat from experience here – I fell into a FOBU situation with a GF of 18 mo. and ignored my own feelings, even sacrificing another potential relationship in the process. We stayed together for another 3+ years. What followed was torturous for both of us.


    Jeremy23422
    Participant
    November 12, 2017 at 9:38 am #155921

    The other kicker, too, in your situation, is the place that you co-own. Is this a legal co-ownership? That makes it really sticky. My ex and I eventually shared an apartment, but only my name was on the lease, so that made it easier for her when she decided of her own volition to move out. Not sure how you can extricate yourself from your co-ownership, although what you suggest – letting her keep the place (!) is way more than what most people would do.


    someguy91
    Participant
    November 12, 2017 at 9:49 am #155922

    Thanks for insight. I agree, remaining friends short-term would be wishful thinking.

    Her and I are both 26 and we do co-own so that does complicate things but I am hoping we can sort out the next steps there in a month or so when things have calmed down a little.

    A couple of general questions for you …. Should I do the whole “we need to talk” conversation on a weekend so she has time off of work to be alone? I feel like thats what I would want being on the receiving end but I don’t know if thats the best time to do it. Maybe during the week after work so she is busy and can be distracted … The other question is how do I even start that conversation?

    It’s tough, I’ve definitely had FOBU for probably a year but I don’t think it’s fair for her to be with me when I’m this disinterested … Shes great and deserves someone who loves her. I just can’t be that guy.


    Jeremy23422
    Participant
    November 12, 2017 at 10:07 am #155923

    I would indeed do it on a weekend when you are both there. Sit down with her on a Friday evening or a Saturday morning, face to face. In private – doing it in a crowded restaurant so she can’t make a scene is a chickenshit move. I would begin by feeling her out. Show some consideration by putting her first. Say, “I’d like to discuss us. Tell me how you feel about our relationship. Are you happy?” Listen to her. It’s possible that she might ALSO be unhappy and thinking of breaking it off – if so that gives you an automatic out. (That’s the best outcome). Then when it’s your turn, tell her how unhappy and despondent you are. Don’t mince words. Be direct and no-nonsense. Don’t waver! And I wouldn’t suggest friendship.

    Then: practicalities to think of. Use the weekend to get as many of your things out of the place as possible, to protect the basics. People do crazy, irrational things when they are dumped. My ex stole the cat back that she gave me! But it could have been worse!


    someguy91
    Participant
    November 13, 2017 at 10:12 am #155924

    Great advice. I really appreciate the help and the added confidence


    someguy91
    Participant
    November 13, 2017 at 10:15 am #155925

    Thanks for the advice as well as the reassurance. It’s going to be tough obviously but I am definitely going to have that conversation next weekend


    Jeremy23422
    Participant
    November 18, 2017 at 6:11 pm #156897

    Good luck and I wish you the best! Let me know how it goes!