Need advice on saving my relationship

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Need advice on saving my relationship

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    Caruna
    Participant
    June 25, 2014 at 1:31 am #56133
    Need advice on saving my relationship

    Hello All. I have not been with my recent gf for very long but for the first time in my life I can imagine and am very excited about the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone. Unfortunately even after just a month my personal issues are already taking a toll. I have had issues with Alcohol abuse and suffer from depression which has slowly been getting better (over the past 5 years, since my brother passed away)

    We spoke about these things and I have acknowledged these issues, stopped drinking and have made an appointment with a therapist. I thought it was going well then yesterday she sent me a text message (Yes, a text msg..) saying that she is sorry but she cannot be with me until she sees me take an active role in addressing my issues. She added that when I start to see a therapist , if I still want to be with her to get in touch and we can start dating again , slowly , once a week . She said that she takes it seriously because she loves me and takes me seriously


    Caruna
    Participant
    June 25, 2014 at 1:38 am #56134

    I was devastated that she sent this as a text message and did not speak to me about it. It did not seem to make sense since I had taken her advice in the first place and feel that I have been taking what steps I could. I was angry and hurt that she was not listening to me or taking notice of these things.

    However she seems very genuine so I messaged her back and asked her if we could meet so that we do not create unnecessary confusion , she has agreed and we are meeting this weekend.

    I am 31 years old but have only had one , unhealthy relationship so do not really know much when it comes to dating. My question is this, can someone please give me some advice on how I should handle this and how I should present what I feel to be honest steps in the direction which she has advised? I want her to feel comfortable that I am listening and growing but at the same time I feel very judged and scared of losing her. I cannot imagine sending that text to anyone ..


    Caruna
    Participant
    June 25, 2014 at 8:46 am #56135

    So if you were dealing with this situation what would you say when you met her? Would you be hurt by this and if so should I bring it up? Sometimes it just seems that her problems are legit and mine are some sort of personal failure (i.e Im not mature enough to get over my issues and depression but its more complicated than that). It can feel very condescending as if someone is telling me to snap out of it. This has been a long struggle and I feel that I do live with vitality though I have to fight for that every day.

    It hurts because she does not know how hard I have battled and struggled. I can understand why someone would not want to be with me but she says that she is in love with me and I believe her.

    Anyway , Thanks for hearing me out. It helps more than you can imagine. I am sorry if it is unclear as to what I am asking (Im confused myself) but basically any overall advice on how to deal with this would be truly, truly appreciated .


    Anonymous
    June 25, 2014 at 5:20 pm #56258

    Hi Caruna! My heart goes out to you! I am so sorry for the day to day challenges you are dealing with! I just first want to say good job! You are taking action in the best ways that you know how and sometimes, that is the hardest part. I have worked with hundreds of people who just want the answers and advice to change the situation, but they actually never take actions themselves to help them heal. It is a very rare person to actually call a therapist, go see a healer, make a commitment to some type of longer process for their healing. Regardless of her perception, you ARE making steps towards healing, so KUDOS!!! I have soooooo much respect for your choices! Just a tip….make sure you fit well with the therapist you choose. I always tell people to make the first appointment and interview. You interviewing them. See how you feel talking with them, do you connect well, do you agree with their approach and philosophies? These are crucial areas that MUST match if you are


    Anonymous
    June 25, 2014 at 5:25 pm #56259

    to feel comfortable letting someone work with the deepest and darkest parts of your pain and hurt and sadness. Also, make sure they specialize in addiction. I know a lot of therapists who say they can deal with addiction, but maybe have only deal with a handful of people. Make sure it is a LARGE part of their practice, because addiction is quite a slippery slope if the therapist doesn’t know the intricate dance of helping someone heal. Also, I LOVE EMDR. You can go to emdr.com and look for a therapist in your area. This is the #1 method in trauma recovery in Psychology. It is a super powerful method and can absolutely help create results faster than the majority of methods out there. Brainspotting is also another very powerful technique. Again, make sure these techniques are REGULARLY used by the therapist with their clients, as they are a powerful tool but must be used quite a bit to understand the different ways a psyche can respond to them.


    Anonymous
    June 25, 2014 at 5:29 pm #56263

    I know you didnt’ ask for any of that, but I just wanted to share in case you did not know your choices.

    About your situation. FEAR is such a powerful emotion and can cause so many of us to see a situation through the thick fog of fear. Meaning, if fear is present, you are not aligned with the truth, therefore you are not able to approach the situation with clarity. Your fear of losing her will cloud your ability to see her for who she really is. You say that you feel like you could spend the rest of your life with this woman….you barely know her. You don’t truly know someone until you have seen them under stress. You don’t know someone until you have seen how they treat you, themselves and others when they have very hard decisions to make, when they are hurting, when they can’t think straight because there is so much stress. So….I suggest to slow it down a bit and keep perspective. I know you don’t want to lose her, but also remember that you don’t have


    Anonymous
    June 25, 2014 at 5:34 pm #56266

    a ton of information about her to know that she is someone who can travel down this road with you. Also, no one can make you feel like a failure except for you. No one can be condescending unless you take it that way. Meaning, the only reason you are feeling all of these feelings is because a part of you believes it. And when someone comes along and expresses their opinions or beliefs, that part of you jumps up, wakes up and says YES! That is so true! I am a failure, I am less than, I am a mess! Another part of you knows better as well. So whatever she is triggering in you is AWESOME!!! You want healing???? This is exactly how you get it! You need to get triggered and hurt so all of those nasty belief systems come into your awareness. Once they are there, then you can face them and heal. There’s no fun away around it, that I know of. Pain is the best guide to finding out where the pit of sadness and depression and addiction and hopelessness and low self esteem live.


    Anonymous
    June 25, 2014 at 5:43 pm #56269

    This is where having a therapist, coach or someone objective can help you handle your emotions when they come up. So that’s the first part. These are YOUR reactions and emotions that have been living inside of you looooong before she ever came into the picture….she just happened to trigger them. Truth is, if you really knew and believed on every level, that you are not a failure, then it wouldn’t matter what anyone’s opinion was about your life. You would know the truth and they wouldn’t be able to pull you away from that!

    About her: it would be a red flag for me if someone I “loved” texted me something of that nature. What does that mean about her???? Well…she may not be someone who handles confrontation very well. She may only be able to express her true feelings and thoughts through text first before she can say it to you in person. She is probably afraid. Either way, this is not a form of communication you feel good with, so ABSOLUTELY you need to communicate your needs!


    Anonymous
    June 25, 2014 at 5:53 pm #56275

    A way I like to communicate if a person’s choice is hurting me, I say something to the effect of “When you do this________, it makes me feel like this________”. When you text me something that is of a deeper nature and needs to be discussed, I end up feeling like you are hiding from me. It feels like you are too afraid to talk to me in person and that hurts me. I don’t mind you saying “listen…I am having some feelings about your challenges, can we meet later tonight? I would love to talk it through with you and get some help from you.” I even suggest getting curious about why she texted you. You can say something like, ” you know…i have to say I was quite surprised you texted me something of that nature. I thought you would feel safe enough with me to want to talk about it in person. Are you too afraid to talk to me about this???” This is how you get to know each other. Go into the conversation with an open mind and heart and wanting to understand her choices.


    Anonymous
    June 25, 2014 at 5:57 pm #56276
    Reply To: Need advice on saving my relationship

    The rest will fall where it may. The best you can do is be honest and work towards being on the same page as each other. She needs to understand you and you need to understand her. I also suggest going somewhere in public and somewhere beautiful where the ambience creates and supports a very connective and romantic mood. It will help set the tone. Ask her on a date and take her somewhere nicer that will require you both to dress up a little. When people dress up, they act differently and most of all, they feel differently. It’s an INCREDIBLE way to at least set the tone for having a more challenging conversation. Public places are usually best as it requires people to keep their voices down and TALK vs. yelling at each other. And if it doesn’t turn out how you desire, then that’s okay. You still have a journey to go on, whether she is with you or not. And you will find that you will be okay!!!! She is the first, however does not have to be the last to inspire these feelings


    Anonymous
    June 25, 2014 at 5:58 pm #56277
    Reply To: Need advice on saving my relationship

    from you!!! Take a breathe and stay connected to yourself!!! Hope this helps!