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qpalzmParticipantJune 18, 2013 at 7:59 pm #33675
It’s been five+ years since my last relationship. It ended painfully, with my gf leaving me for my friend, then moving in with him in the next door apartment. I couldn’t sleep, eat, or break the lease. I just threw myself into my work, and went into an intense depression. Eventually I got out of there, but it was a year or two before I got over it.
Now, many years later, I feel like I’m ready to try dating again. There are definitely women I’m interested in, and they seem friendly/receptive to me. I don’t usually have a problem talking to them, but I just can’t bring myself to ask them out. Even when I can build up the courage to ask them, I’m almost more nervous they’ll say yes, because of a few key worries holding me back. I could really use some help understanding/making sense of these. Please let me know if you have personal advice on the following:
1. “The worst thing that can happen is she says no.” <– people say this a lot, and I get it, but it seems to be missing a crucial detail: It's not like she just disappears after this. Most of the women I'm interested in are people I know- friends of mine, and friends with my friends. One of the things that happened with my last breakup, is we were both at a center of a tight group of friends, which basically got ripped in two as a result. I lost friends who I cared about, because they knew her first, and I couldn't ask them to not hang out with her, or participate in our trouble. Isn't that a risk when a friend rejects you to date, too? It seems like this gets ignored, but I must be missing something.
2. Bad at sex: It's been five years, I'm not good at sex anymore. Anxiety about being turned down after performing terribly the first (or first several) times haunts me, and keeps me from even taking the first step (asking her out). This seriously messes with my head. I did set about trying to fix this one systematically: getting better at sex without actually having sex is a tricky one, but I eventually bought a fleshlight (one of the stamina trainers), to try to build back up my ability to last longer. I just started this, so I have no idea if it will work, but I'm genuinely serious about it- I don't know a better way to get that skill back.
3. Not in beach shape. I know this isn't necessary, and I have many out of shape friends with wonderful girlfriends, but I really don't want to feel instantly inadequate when I'm with a new girlfriend. Two reasons: For her (I want to be able to give her something she actually wants), and for me (I don't want to be constantly on edge that I'm going to lose her to someone more physically attractive) <– remember, this happened to me before.
I’m not ugly, and not in bad shape, but I could certainly be better. And definitely: if I can be confident that I look good, there's no need to invent some imaginary confidence out of the air. I'll have an actual reason to be confident about my looks.
Please advise me here! Am I crazy to think/do some of these things? I'm completely serious that I feel paralyzed by my past, and by some of these fears. Help me learn, so I can find someone to be happy with- I don't want to wait another five years.
matt988ParticipantJune 19, 2013 at 2:59 am #33677
Listen. I am talking from the heart. Get over your ex. She is in the past!!! Do not hold on to bad feeling toward her, wish her well in your heart. You must release the pain of rejection and move on with living. Don’t look for love. Love will find you when the time is right. Allow yourself to be reborn, you loved, you lost, and you will be better for it. It will make you appreciate your true soul mate when it happens, but until then search every part of yourself and character at time. Improved on the things you can change about yourself to become more confident, educated, social skills and if you need help even seek therapy. Just having a third party to listen to, and give you guidance in moving ahead in life is opportunity to expand your horizons. Women can be beautiful on the outside, but it is inside that you want to wake up to after 30,40, and hopefully 50 years. Start dating and let the romance happen. Be open to dating several different people you will learn things about yourself that you never dreamed of. Please take this advice as gentle push to move forward. Clean your house or apartment, rearrange as much as possible. Buy yourself at least one thing a week to recognize your progressive. Even men like flowers, so start with that. Buy a cd that makes you feel happy. Schedule a 4th of July party or attend one. Make at least one new friend a month. Get a legal pad and make a bucket list of things for the next six weeks, that will make you!!!happy.
Be selfish, become the happy person you want to be.
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