Needy & Clingy Guy

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Needy & Clingy Guy

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    tara
    Participant
    April 16, 2014 at 1:05 pm #51339
    Needy & Clingy Guy

    Recently went out with a guy I met online. Turned out we actually have a lot of mutual friends together (from a church i used to attend, but no longer go to). Had a fun 1st date, a lot in common. But then things started happening that just had so many red flags going off for me. He’d text me every single day, wanting to have entire conversations through text, like several hours worth. I would text back, but eventually started getting annoyed that he wanted to text for hours, so I started texting very short responses or not at all or cutting it off sooner than he wanted. I’m not a texting person and it drove me nuts. Especially after only 1 date. Call it a gut feeling but he came off as way too eager, needy, deperate, and clingy. He’d text things about how he wants a chance to prove what a great boyfriend he can be on several occasions, how he just wants someone to love him and not judge him, asking me what I liked about him so far before we had even met, ect. He started talking about the future, telling me how he’s willing to wait for me to be ready to be exclusive. He just seemed to presume a relationship before there was one. I did think he was a nice guy at first and actually we hit it off quite well in person, but he was moving too fast at least through text. After only 1 date and lots ot text messages he told me he was going to delete his online dating profile. I told him he didn’t have to do that, and his response was he didn’t need it anymore cause we are seeing eachother. I told him we weren’t in a relationship, and his response was that we weren’t exclusive just yet. I told him I just don’t see a relationship happening and he totally went off on me telling me then don’t act like you are interested in me, how i judged him before knowing him, used some cuss words at me, how i lost my chance at having such a great boyfriend, immediately deleted me from Facebook, told me how he was interested in me but I never returned that interest in him whereas just about 5 minutes ago he was being all nice, and ended it by telling me how he is done caring about me and how he’ll never contact me again (thank god). I blocked his number from my cell just in case he decided to send another ugly text message to me. I really hate dating! What makes the situation so awful is we share so many mutual friends, although other than FB I don’t see them,, but he does. And I’m sure he’ll tell them how he thought how awful I was to him. He really scared me going from nice 1 minute to being so mean the next and talking about deleting his profile after 1 date, and telling me how he’s willing to wait for me to be ready for a relationship, which to me implied that this was going to end up as a relationship. I felt this gut feeling that he could end up being controlling. And his personality of being nice one minute to being so ugly the next definitely raised some red flags.

    Trepur
    Trepur
    Participant
    April 16, 2014 at 4:12 pm #51357

    Tell him to slow down, you’re just getting to know eachother. After that it’s up to you to choose if you want to keep dating this guy.


    tara
    Participant
    April 16, 2014 at 6:03 pm #51363

    Well he already went off on me, totally hates me now. Can’t have a relationship with someone who changes so quickly. He thought daily texts for hours was normal. We’re not in high school and I have a life. He was absolutely suffocating and smothering me. Glad to be rid of him. Someone who needs constant communication and is sure we’ll end up in a relationship is just too needy for me.


    mephesto
    Participant
    April 20, 2014 at 2:33 pm #51523

    Honestly you dodged a bullet.

    This guy seems crazy as hell, or has been alone for a long time.

    It seems like he had built this elaborate fantasy world where you two were together and then it seeped into reality, and he couldn’t separate the two.

    It sucks that he may be planting false ideas with your mutual friends, but if you absolutely needed to clear your name, you could just show some of the texts, or even just how many texts.

    As a guy, I can empathize with wanting to talk to a woman you are interested in right away, and that waiting the standard couple days can be hard, but come on dude. This isn’t a teenaged rom-com. No one likes the guy who pours feelings out like a faucet, expecially when they aren’t reciprocated.

    It was like he was bullying you into a relationship. I know girls who have fell into relationships with people they don’t really like anymore, because they didn’t want to hurt him because he is such a nice guy.


    tara
    Participant
    April 24, 2014 at 2:26 pm #51746

    I think you are right about dodging a bullet. Yet I feel so guilty cause on our date we hit it off so well. I really did like him. But the everyday texts were driving me nuts. He was just way too into me after only 1 date. Of course he accused me of not liking him and just pretending to like him. Umm, after only 1 date you are still trying to get to know someone even if you did hit it off well. Its not pretending cause I did like him but then he started suffocating me. I dreaded hearing those text message alerts all evening. He’d send a text, I wouldn’t respond, then an hour later another text, an hour more another one. Um, just send me one text and I’ll get back to you eventually. The one day I didn’t text him back he texts me at least 6-10 times. He felt the need to text for hours til we said goodnight, and its not like it was important stuff. I still feel guilty cause of the way things ended. I should have told him in person instead of through text. But when he told me he was deleting his online profile after only 1 date I just panicked which is when i told him i didn’t see a relationship(and thats when he got really nasty). To me thats not a conversation you have until say 1 to 2 months in. Then you start talking about being exclusive. I should have told him much sooner that his daily texts for hours were suffocating me, but I just abruptly ended it when he mentioned deleting his profile. It does bother me that he hates me so much now and how he is probably spreading lies about me to our mutual friends. But I know i wouldn’t want to be with someone so smothering. Plus as an extreme introvert I need alone time. I don’t like to go out several times a week and that was something he just didn’t get. I haven’t dated in forever, however I don’t smother people like he does. Giving people space and not being clingy is very important. You shouldn’t be attached to the hip. Even married people need their space.


    tara
    Participant
    April 24, 2014 at 2:32 pm #51747

    Oh and another red flag, he was already posting on Facebook about our date before we met saying how he hopes this is his last first date ever(several of our mutual friends responding asking who which made me nervous. thank god he didn’t mention my name in that post). Umm, we hadn’t even met in person at that point!


    jamie302
    Participant
    April 26, 2014 at 7:06 pm #51836

    I think honesty is the best policy. Tell him how your feeling. If your not interested anymore just be straight with him and move on.


    Aquafina
    Participant
    April 27, 2014 at 10:55 am #51851

    It’s possible you dodged a bullet – his reaction of doing a complete 180 when you told him that is very telling. He was a little too much to handle it seems, and if these people he tells believe him, then they weren’t such great friends anyway.

    however communication is key and I think there are some better ways you could’ve handled this. I would have been a little kinder than saying “i dont see a relationship happening” . this guy is clearly insecure and it was clear from your examples that he has been hurt in the past. I would’ve adjusted my response to account for that. That’s also probably PART of the reason he flew off the handle.

    but no matter what, it sounds like your styles are way different, and it wouldn’t have lasted anyways, you would’ve ended it eventually, so don’t feel so bad that you ended it soon. Smart decision!


    tara
    Participant
    April 27, 2014 at 11:30 am #51857

    Yeah I feel really badly about how I told him. I know I did the right thing ending it, just didn’t know the right words to end it well. But i dont know if there is a good way to end it with someone who has already built up a fantasy that you’ll end up together. He probably would’ve gone off no matter how I ended it. He hates me now and nothing I can do to change that. I know I would of been miserable with someone who has to text everyday and can’t give me space, needs constant reasurrance that i like him, and can switch his personality from nice 1 minute to cursing and being mean the next.


    Anonymous
    May 8, 2014 at 2:37 pm #52469
    Reply To: Needy & Clingy Guy

    can you help me


    tara
    Participant
    August 22, 2014 at 5:10 pm #59875
    Reply To: Needy & Clingy Guy

    Update: he texted me again after “breaking up” and apologized for pushing me in a relationship, and justified it by saying he was really nervous and didn’t think I liked him. It was so obvious that he was obsessed with whether I liked him or not. I barely knew him and was getting to know him so how could I know if I liked him yet. Anyway I thanked him for his apology and told him no hard feelings in which he replies that I’ve probably already found another guy by now (I havent). Then a few weeks after that text I get another from him about how he feels I got the wrong impression of him cause he acted like a gentleman and didn’t try to kiss me and any other guy would have. I didn’t respond to that text. He obviously can’t let this go. I went up to my cell phone provider and got his # blocked so he can’t text again. Call it a gut feeling but I just got a feeling he would turn into a very needy and controlling guy, possibly even an abusive relationship.


    tara
    Participant
    August 22, 2014 at 5:27 pm #59876
    Reply To: Needy & Clingy Guy

    Interesting how he did text me again. Last we spoke several months ago he told me to have a nice life and that he’d never contact me again. Does he really think after pushing me into a relationship and then getting so nasty I would give him a 2nd chance!


    emmahattie
    Participant
    August 23, 2014 at 11:45 pm #59899
    Reply To: Needy & Clingy Guy

    All you can do is be honest with him, if he doesn’t like that then that’s his problem not yours! You’re doing yourself a favour by getting yourself out of there!


    jb1318
    Participant
    August 24, 2014 at 10:23 am #59921
    Reply To: Needy & Clingy Guy

    I know what it can be like because i am a guy who can fall fast. I have dated girls who love to text nonstop and others who don’t. In the future you should let the guy know you are into a lot of texting when you first start dating someone. Hopefully the guy will understand and if that doesn’t work for him then he isn’t the guy for you and vice versa. We all need something different.

    TylerRandy
    TylerRandy
    Participant
    August 24, 2014 at 2:35 pm #59938
    Reply To: Needy & Clingy Guy

    Please , PLEASE PLEASE run for the hills. He has already crossed your boundaries and people like this don’t change easily. It is not your responsibility to deal with this behavior, TRUST me from someone who said “oh shes just clingy” and now Im dealing with what could be a legal case. RUN. it will be painful and scary at first but the sooner you do it the better.
    KEY: dont sstay because of guilt. He doesn’t feel guilty about disrespecting your boundaries and making no effort to get to know you but just idealize you and trap you. I say this is enough of a red flag to end the relationship. You do not owe him an explanation. he has already crossed the boundary. I know you feel like you’re being mean, but its not mean to take care of yourself.

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by TylerRandy TylerRandy.
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