no comittment sex and fun

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no comittment sex and fun

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    lisab213
    Participant
    December 30, 2012 at 5:52 pm #19720
    no comittment sex and fun

    Yes, sounds too good to be true I know. This guy approached me – someone I had known for a few years. We’ve always really liked each other but he told me he’s not in a place where he cannot have a real relationship. Sounds like bs but he has two jobs and no car. But I know enough and been through hell so I know for certain if he wanted more he’d make it work. But when he approached me I wss like what the heck. I’m not getting younger and while things are still working i may as well go for it. Sex is great probably better than each of us suspected. It’s now been two months and things are great.

    Since he wanted things this way (I wouldn’t have initiated this) I have set some ground rules. He can’t come to my house and I don’t often spend the entire night with him. I am fully aware of his limitations as he’s never been in a relationship past 6 months. I have no delusions I will be the one nor am I sure i want to be. At this point I am trying to take a day at a time and enjoy him and us.

    However, I need advice about exclusivity. Is it asking too much to be casual and exclusive? I am not entirely comfortable with either of us seeing other people but not sure how/ when to bring it up.

    Fyi – I’m 50 and divorced with two kids 21 and 15. My life is busy and hectic and I really don’t want to bring anyone into the fold right now. He’s 38 no kids and as I said is a total committment phobe.

    Thanks for your help!


    lisab213
    Participant
    December 30, 2012 at 10:32 pm #19721

    I see that people have commented but can’t see them! Am I doing something wrong?

    EvaLovely
    EvaLovely
    Participant
    January 4, 2013 at 10:18 am #19958

    I see that people have commented but can’t see them! Am I doing something wrong?

    I think the forum only shows views, no comments…

    But I’ll comment, lisa! I’m younger than you but I think I can relate to your situation because I started actually “dating” a guy who was a commitment phobe and it turned out to be a waste of my time. Seems like you’re aware of his “problem” and you need to weigh out the pros and cons.

    1) is the sex worth my temporary high’s?
    2) could I be the one he’s been looking for to turn his ways around?

    I’ll answer the second question for you. No. You already shacked up and you, unfortunately, are just like the other women he’s seen. I don’t think you should ask for an exclusivity card because either he’ll say yes and date you for a few week/months and disappear OR he’ll say no and you’ll accept your role as “friends with benefits” and feel even more incomplete.

    I suggest you walk away. I’ve seen senior women settle like you and think it’ll be ok to be with a man for sex but the truth is you’re looking for something more. THIS guy is definitely not going to be the one to give you anymore than a place to sleep over. Close your legs and collect the tab. He’s not worth the heartache.


    DivineComedy
    Participant
    January 17, 2013 at 10:37 pm #20801

    Lisa,

    I just posted about initiating something similar to what you have.

    With that said, I certainly can’t claim answers but I empathize and appreciate your courage. Even so, I think it is presumptuous for anyone to answer your questions but you. Why? Well you would be living with the results and no one else can judge the worth of what you have.

    First off, I’m 49 and certainly recognize that the dating pool has some definite drawbacks. Maybe the great guys never got divorced or older, smarter, independent gals are too demanding, in any event, the one guy that can seem to ‘do it all’ for us is clearly and endangered species particularly if you consider his probably ‘baggage’ (or he’s busy dating 20 somethings).

    Second, in other areas of our life we don’t expect one person to fulfill every need. I have lots of friends some of them are shopping buddies, or go horseback riding with me or go to the theatre with me. So sure, traditionally exclusivity is how we gauge the value of our intimate relationships but at our age where issues like raising a family seem a bit over ripe…is it necessary or just a mindless goal based on patterns?

    Third, you mention exclusivity… and didn’t say much more. You know he’s emotionally unavailable so I’m inclined to suspect that you’re not so much thinking in terms of going steady because you think he’s so ‘swell’ as much as you want to be assured that this intimacy is not a health risk for you. If that is the case, wouldn’t it be responsible to discuss it in those terms? Even if you initiate it by stating your intentions in regards to keeping him safe? Let’s face it, if you can’t have such a conversation with a 38 year old male… something you would expect your teenage kid to consider before having sex with anyone, then it’s probably not ‘safe’ if only as to your health, much less your emotions.

    If it is about your emotional involvement, then based on what you’ve said you may already realize you’re heading for a heartbreak, the only question now is when.