Not sure if I can deal with his past

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Not sure if I can deal with his past

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    blujnbby
    Participant
    March 22, 2016 at 5:13 pm #96219
    Not sure if I can deal with his past

    I have been dating a 50 year old man, I am 38. As any relationship, you tell the stories and learn of each other. We have been dating almost a year now and have grown to love each other so there are definitely feelings on each side. Now I learned that when this man was 30 years old he dated/slept with a 17 year old. When he was 40 years old he dated/slept with a 15 year old. I told him that bothers me and he says the past is the past, true, but I’m not sure I am able to be with a man who was/is capable of doing such. He is 50 now and I am 38. Should I write it off as the past and continue or let my true feelings of disgust and disturbing make the decision for me to break up with him. It’s hard right now because we have grown very close but I can’t get this out of my head. Help!


    coldturkey
    Participant
    March 22, 2016 at 7:24 pm #96233

    So you guys have been dating over a year and so when did he tell you this information??Recently? Look obviously this person doesn’t have normal healthy boundaries. For an adult to have slept with 2 underage people and not think too much about it..since it was in his past…tells you right there he’s not right in the head. Obviously he didn’t tell you that piece of info EARLY in the relationship.You need to trust your gut feelings and leave this person now! You know in your heart that what he did was wrong! So why would you even think about the possibility of still being with this person?
    I have always said that there is something wrong with people who date someone so much younger then they are…there is something wrong there…


    coldturkey
    Participant
    March 22, 2016 at 7:29 pm #96234

    to continue..this reminds me of when I had met a guy a few years ago. We were talking about the the people we had dated.Now mind you..this guy at the time that I had met him..was in his early 30’s or mid..anyways he told me that he had dated a 17yr old…and at the time he was in his late 20’s. He kept saying that she was real mature for her age. I had felt put off by that because for him to not even have a thought about being with someone so young…like I said …when people don’t have healthy boundaries…you need to stay far away from them.


    caseyg.hatchell
    Participant
    March 23, 2016 at 1:38 am #96244

    If a girl that young, wants a man, you can’t expect him to resist. She was just too sexy

    Quote

    Desmond, you’ve made a great point. You can’t blame that person alone, without hearing those under aged girls who also slept with him.


    blujnbby
    Participant
    March 23, 2016 at 1:51 am #96246

    Thank you all for the feedback. I understand both parts of the story. Yes, I am giving one side but everything goes hand in hand and if a young girl likes older guys (just like a young guy wants a cougar) then both parties got what they wanted. I will reread what you all said and at the end of the day…it is still my decision I guess. Thank you


    coldturkey
    Participant
    March 23, 2016 at 6:46 pm #96316

    Ok…you’re acting like the age difference between your guy and these females were like 5 yrs or 7…Are you forgetting that these girls were just that?! Girls! Not even young enough to vote or drink. Look we all know how it is to like someone who is older then we are…BUT in both instances with this man…He was a MAN…they were girls…children for god’s sake.
    Just because a 15 yr old or a 17 yr old girl likes a much older man…like say 30 or 40…that doesn’t give the 30 or 40 year old man rights to think it’s ok to engage with them! Also the SAME for a 30 or 40 yr old female…Just because you think a 15yr old or a 17yr old boy is hot…and he thinks the same about you..that doesn’t make it right at all!
    The decision is yours but I hope you make the right one.


    SnakeDad
    Participant
    March 24, 2016 at 2:43 am #96336

    It doesn’t matter if both he and the underage girls wanted it. He was well into adulthood and had years of life experience behind him, which should have taught him better than to engage in sexual relations with minors. They were still kids! They hadn’t set their feet out into the real world yet. That was poor judgement on both ends, and I’ll add perversion onto his end.

    If this guy held out on informing you about those incidents for that long, then there’s no telling what other skeletons he’s hiding. Sounds like a total dirtbag to me.


    coldturkey
    Participant
    March 24, 2016 at 10:25 am #96350

    Amen to that snakedad!!
    It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who feels like you do! I think it’s insane that this woman has to ‘think’ if she wants to stay with this guy or not…just insane!


    blujnbby
    Participant
    March 25, 2016 at 8:54 am #96396
    Reply To: Not sure if I can deal with his past

    Coldturkey, I’m not thinking…the decision has already been made. I’m not sticking around to see what else this man is capable off. I was just being nice and saying I was taking everyone’s advice into consideration since all of you took the time to give me feedback, I appreciate it. Thank you all. There are millions of people out there so I’m not wasting my time with this one.


    coldturkey
    Participant
    March 25, 2016 at 1:55 pm #96520
    Reply To: Not sure if I can deal with his past

    I am so happy for you!! You really did make the right decision.I know it must have been hard since you had feelings for this man BUT you followed your instincts.Good for you!

    insanenowadays
    insanenowadays
    Participant
    March 26, 2016 at 3:43 pm #96552
    Reply To: Not sure if I can deal with his past

    You should talk about it together, maybe get more details. You may feel like you e been together so long and dont want to lose it but if its getting uncomfortable then thats not good for you. You deserve someone you feel you can trust.

    amp
    amp
    Participant
    March 28, 2016 at 9:51 am #96584
    Reply To: Not sure if I can deal with his past

    Honestly if it bothers you that much I would say break it off. It’s hard because you two have been dating for so long and you have strong feelings for each other but think about the future. If you think in the long run you can’t get over that fact then you should leave as there is nothing worse then dating someone where something like that will bother you it’s not worth the stress.


    klo103
    Participant
    March 29, 2016 at 1:07 pm #96703
    Reply To: Not sure if I can deal with his past

    I think that you should try to gather more information by talking about it with him.

    My gut is that if it’s bothering you this much, it’s probably a deal breaker for you (at least thats what I find with myself), but I think it would be worth trying to find out more and communicating with him pretty openly about how you are feeling.

    If you’ve not been open about your thoughts and feelings with him, that is something I would try for sure to see how he responds and what he might say to make you feel better.