Online Dating – Burnt out and seeing problems


Online Dating – Burnt out and seeing problems

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    March 14, 2013 at 12:03 am #25876
    Online Dating – Burnt out and seeing problems

    I have been on various dating sites for over 2 years. I have managed to talk to a handful of neat people and my online activity has sparked several dates. However, in general I have been disappointed. Out of close to 200 women, as near as I can figure, only a handful of them have turned out to be worth talking to. And in the end, none of them were really right for me.

    I guess I have just come to the conclusion that there is something missing with online dating. There is definitely a communication barrier created by the fact that you don’t know the person – or really anything about them – you are usually not even from the same city.

    Online dating in my opinion should make dating easier, not harder. Instead, it just seems like one unorganized giant bar-scene when things should be more orderly, finding matches for those who are compatible. What I see is just a numbers game. Anybody else feel this way?

    I have recently moved away from alot of the “big name” sites and honestly since then I have had more success. I think some of the big sites need to screen their users a little more among other things. What do you all think needs to be changed with online dating? Or do you think it is ok the way it is??

    March 14, 2013 at 2:33 pm #25962

    You’re preaching to the choir. I gave up on Internet dating long ago. Its just WAY too time consuming and tedious for way to little return. In fact, even after 15 years of off and on again use of Internet personals I’d say that probably less than 5% of the women I’ve dated I met through an online dating site. Yet I spent countless thousands of hours of my time over the years painstakingly rummaging through tens of thousands of womens profiles just to get that measly 5 percent. And by the way, less than half of that 5 percent were women that I was actually attracted to.
    They say that time is money and if that’s true then Internet dating is a fairly expensive proposition. For example if you make $30 an hour at work then that’s what your time is worth. This means that if you spend 500 hours a year (less than 1.5 hours a day) searching though online dating profiles and trying to contact your choices you’ve lost $15,000 worth of time in that year. And that’s on top of the couple hundred that you spend for membership fees. Of course I never signed up for more than a month at a time despite the significant discounts for long-term memberships. This because I knew I could find all the women I was attracted to in my area on a particular site and add them to my favorites in just a few days of intensive searching – even in a city the size of Los Angeles. Anyway once I had struck out with most or all of them I knew it would be another 6 months before enough new member would join up to once again make it worth my while to search through the profiles on that site again. Often I would just alternate between two major sites.
    Of course there is often time and money involved with meeting people the old fashioned way as well. For example if you’re trying to meet women in bars and nightclubs you have to pay for drinks and cover charges and you’re probably spending at least 6 to 8 hours every weekend in these places. But if on the other hand you are meeting women at work or in public places, like the supermarket, etc, then it doesn’t cost you dime and wastes none of your time. And the best part about this method of course is that you know immediately whether or not you’re attracted to the person. And when you go up and talk to them you immediately know if there is a spark between you or not. It really the only way to do it as far as I’m concerned.
    “But wait” you say. “On the Internet I’m being exposed to hundreds of thousands of people and I could never get that kind of exposure in the real world even if I spent my days walking around a crowded shopping mall”. Well, to that I say you’re probably not getting near the exposure that you think you are. As I stated in a previous post people are insanely picky when it comes to their search criteria on online dating sites. In fact, people who would probably love to date you if they had run across you in the real world first will never even see your profile online because you’re the wrong age, the wrong height, live in the wrong part of town, or don’t have the right kind of degree or salary. In fact even what you say in your profile often doesn’t matter. I remember I once had a girl contact me after reading my dating profile just to tell me how much she loved what I wrote and how she wished she could use my words herself. She didn’t want to date me mind you, she was just impressed with what I had to say and with how eloquently I had expressed those thoughts. I guess she was either just not physically attracted to me or some of the personal data in my profile fell outside of her perfect guy search parameters.
    By the way, the other plus to going up and talking to women in the real world is that you usually have her undivided attention. You are not competing with 100 other guys all trying to talk to her at the same time. With online personals however the most attractive girls are probably getting so many e-mail a week that they can’t possibly read them all and you are libel to fall through the cracks and get lost. And even if she does see your profile and read it you still have to compete with a thousand other guys. Let’s face it, the odds are not in your favor.
    And I’m not even going to get into all the tricks that online dating sites use to make themselves seem more useful than they really are. For example many site make it impossible for you to know which members are still currently active and therefore will even get your e-mail. And I’m also not going to get into all the fake profiles put up by scammers. That’s all for another discussion.
    Anyway that’s my take on Internet dating. Take from it what you will.

    March 25, 2013 at 10:45 pm #26818

    There are reasons why online dating DOES NOT WORK FOR MOST AVERAGE MEN. Of course, there are always some who will yell, “It worked for me!” but they are, in my opinion, in the minority.

    Most profiles on many dating websites are OLD…months or years old and when some guy attempts to write a nice email that he has spent time writing after reading her profile, what happens? It goes to her dating website Inbox and the website sends an automated email to her email address on file.

    Problem: It may be an email account the woman no longer uses. Or it goes directly to her spam folder. Or if she gets a hundred emails in her regular email everyday, she damn well is going to gloss over that pesky personals website email that comes in everyday. So the guy’s email never gets read. The guy is chasing a ghost. It is in the dating website’s interest to keep ALL profiles of women/men up forever to be able to increase the “size” of the pool. Further, some women just join on a whim and barely post a profile at all (or some intern schmuck at the dating website is told to create some!) If she doesn’t write jacksheet about herself, then she has no real interest in finding a guy online. Period. She is merely testing the site or she is just vain and wants to see how many guys will find her attractive.

    Further, women have unrealistic expectations for these dating sites. If they are, at all, bothering to open up and take a look at their emails, there is the temptation that since they get so many emails, that the NEXT one will be the SEXIEST guy ever — much like, for example, buying a lottery ticket with the expectation that the next one bought may be the big winner. In the world of online dating, women don’t want to settle for Mister Average. They want the trophy guy to show off – though most won’t admit to this. Most will beat you over the head saying that they just want a nice guy who treats them right, yada yada yada. If it was the other way around, and guys were the ones receiving dozens of emails a day, would not it be men saying it as well?

    It’s a sad state of affairs that the world has come this. That perfectly good men, men that would make good partners, husbands, boyfriends, etc. are reduced to a few pictures and a couple of paragraphs. Aren’t most good men more than this? Some men can’t write well but excel at other things yet will lose online unless they are physically attractive. We’re becoming a society where women are spooked if men attempt to get to know them in a public place as a lot of us, as I am a single parent with full custody, don’t have a lot of time to hang out at parties and other typical “expected” venues.

    Guys — you want to know how it is for women? Go to one of these Asian dating websites and post up a profile there. I experimented and tried it. Had over 1000 Filipinas express “interest” in me over the course of three weeks! Further, I had an average of 10 to 20 emails a day! Granted, these are from women that are focused not so much on love but on improving their lives economically. But, I could see which women put an effort into their emails or their profiles. But now I don’t go there and the emails from the website pop up in my spam folder (when I notice them) and I just delete. All the effort the women have made in writing a thoughtful email are wasted as I’m not going to be someone’s sugar daddy and get them a visa over here. You can tell it to be true as those Filipinas (or whatever) will marry ANY OLD FART if they, the women, are outside the U.S. or other favored country. Once in the U.S., the profiles of the women “magically” change to more realistic age ranges (e.g. a 23 year tart will only hook up with a guy under 30…not grandpa who’s 60). I saw this first-hand too by the way, as I worked for a bit at the U.S. Embassy in Manila and, each day, there were at least five “grandpas” sitting with Asian visa angels outside the anti-fraud unit. As long as they could prove they knew some things about each other and had met previously and documented it well, the government has no choice but to issue a fiancée/spousal visa. Visa angels make sure to keep every receipt scrap and then bind them in a binder chronologically and labeled for the visa officer’s perusal. Poor bastards will be divorced and sucked dry (financially) by these visa angels within a few years. Somewhere, there’s a bunch of the visa angels saying this isn’t true! That they married for love and are still married…well, why was it so impossible to marry a man back in your own country? They’re not all womanizers and drunken fools. That’s a copout.

    So all online dating does for men, unless you’re very attractive, is promote a feeling a worthlessness since so few, if any, responses are received for the effort that is put out.

    The men that say it does work for them are either good-looking or are writing in their forum posts that it is going well as they know that women will be looking at their postings in the dating website forums (if they have one) when checking them out and forum postings are NEVER DELETED, just as are user profiles NEVER DELETED on these dating websites without a court order.

    March 26, 2013 at 5:10 pm #26943

    A lot of people expect a lot from dating sites yes. In my opinion, I still think this is a growing opportunity that has yet to be perfected. Besides the fact that it’s been around for 10+ years and a majority of people on there are older, I see a big trend on youngins who are “testing” it out and trying to see who else they can meet besides going to class or a local bar. There’s a lot of browsing involved and just getting an online “flirt” that is enough of an ego boost for men and women alike.

    Just playing both sides here but I think there will always be pros and cons to online dating. It shouldn’t be your only outlet to meeting women. Nor shoudl it be for women to meet men. You should still be as active offline as you are online. No magically computer fairy is going to take all your worries away, so don’t blame a computer software program for any social disabilities to meet people. Be happy that there’s another vehicle you can drive to meet women and that’s it, don’t get your panties in a bundle just because someone doesn’t reply or it doesn’t “work out”

    March 26, 2013 at 10:15 pm #26957

    Chris – I agree with most of what you said but I definitely don’t think things are getting easier than they used to be with online dating, nor do I think they ever will (be “perfected” that is). I’ve actually been doing online personals off and on since the late 90’s and I can tell you from experience that it’s actually much harder to find someone online today than it used to be. Also, I don’t know which sites you are using, but on any one I’ve ever used the majority of users are not “older”. In fact the last time I was doing it over 5 years ago I think about 80% of female users fell into the 18 to 30 age range on the big sites like (I don’t check the male stats) and 5 years before that there were even less older people. So actually the trend is not more young people coming on board but more old people doing so. It is true however that a wider range of people are using them these days. In the early days there was a real stigma attached to online dating. In fact if you and your girlfriend met online you would usually have to invent some bogus story about how you met so you wouldn’t have to tell people you met online. Also most of the people using it back then tended to be either unattractive or socially awkward losers. These days pretty much all types of people are doing it though and nobody considers it a weird thing to do.
    Anyway it’s really changed a lot since the old days. For example in the past 5 to 7 years a lot more group specific sites have been popping up that cater to certain age groups, races, religious beliefs, etc. Things like this, as well as the shear numbers of people joining these days should, at least in theory, make it easier to find your match, but paradoxically they only make it harder.
    Anyway, if it works for people I say use it, but I just prefer going up to someone on the street and introducing myself. It’s much less stressful and less time consuming