Please help me decipher this behavior.

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Please help me decipher this behavior.

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    toomuchangst
    Participant
    February 2, 2015 at 11:58 am #72381
    Please help me decipher this behavior.

    I am 54, my bf is 60. We both act/feel/look at least 10 years younger than our age, met online and have been dating for 4-5 months. We have had a bit of a stormy go of it because he seems to say and do things that hurt me terribly. The big problem: he talks a lot about previous women, both casual dates and long term loves.
    example:
    -“When I lived with Deb and had to leave for the week, she stood on the steps and watched me drive away because she missed me so much.”
    -“When I had sex with one woman who had breast implants, I would watch her boobs…”
    -“When I lived with Deb, she would always make sure I had a good snack so my blood sugar didn’t drop.”

    I have resolved a lot of these issues by simply telling him he needs to either deal with ex loves or move on. If he chooses to move on with me, I don’t want to hear about past loves in detail. I do understand we have all had previous lives and have experiences we want to share.

    But…When running errands on Saturday


    toomuchangst
    Participant
    February 2, 2015 at 12:07 pm #72382

    I needed to go to a shoe store that was having a sale. When we pulled up in front of the store, he said, “This is the store I take women to when I buy them shoes.” (he has a bit of a shoe fetish) Please DO NOT think I was hoping he would buy me something. I had planned to run this errand and we simply went together as an outing.

    He then went in the store with me and sat and watched while I purchased myself two pair of dress shoes.

    He does this kind of thing less frequently now, but obviously, he still does it.

    Please understand, he and I are in a committed relationship. He has told me he loves me, as I have him. Neither of us give any indication of wanting to date others. He is brooding, somewhat difficult but lovable. He has brought me to tears and I have actually broken it off with him because of the pain he causes when talking about his other women.

    He feels I am jealous. I feel so hurt, but it isn’t jealousy.

    Please help me…this is so painful.

    Confounded478
    Confounded478
    Participant
    September 29, 2015 at 3:15 pm #86176

    As a senior dater, I have experienced this myself…have to learn your partner’s rules on this/and he must know yours…it’s hard not to correlate our past lives with our present ones. They will refer back to exes at times, but, must express which contexts really upset us. It can be an innocuous comment or really hurtful. It’s something we senior daters have to contend with.


    cat
    Participant
    December 29, 2015 at 1:54 am #90633

    This sounds mean. It really shouldn’t take much effort for him to censor comments that he knows will hurt you. An occasional, neutral comment would be one thing–“I’ve been here before, Deb liked this shoe store too” seems harmless enough. But under no circumstances should he be sharing the details of what another woman’s fake boobs are like. I believe I’d give an ultimatum here. Best of luck though, whatever you decide.

    BreathTHRUit
    BreathTHRUit
    Participant
    January 28, 2016 at 1:10 pm #92387

    toomuchangst . . . I recognize this behavior. The man I have been involved with for 6 years made similar comments for the 1st year. As we began to date, while driving around our city, he would casually, spontaneously, enthusiastically point out all of the apartment buildings, homes, places where he had previous sexual conquests – as if rediscovering them for the 1st time. I also remember him commenting on people we’d passed in the street, “Wow, he is really good looking”. It appeared to be intentionally hurtful and was painful to hear. I could not understand this behavior – at all. Instead of attentive, it seemed distracting. It’s possible he was “thinking out loud”. It’s possible he was unaware of any consequence these comments caused. I brought it to his attention numerous times and attempted to set boundaries. The reaction was an accusation of being controlling. Rather than honoring the concept of setting boundaries – the behavior just seemed to subside. Boundaries needed.


    fitnesscrz05
    Participant
    January 31, 2016 at 10:48 am #92492

    He sounds a bit insensitive and he should be buying you shoes and treating you well. I hope you can discuss this when you and him are both calm. What he did hurt you and you need to let him know it did. Communication is the most important thing and it is hard thing to do with an intimate partner. I myself think out loud and have hurt my men in the past doing this. It really is innocent but now that you have helped me realize how it can hurt your partner.