Problems Communicating with the New, Thanks to the Old

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Problems Communicating with the New, Thanks to the Old

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    Campbellsar88
    Participant
    November 30, 2012 at 6:41 pm #17932
    Problems Communicating with the New, Thanks to the Old

    Just wanna say this is me needing to vent, put it down on paper, and hope for some feedback all at once. Its kind of a long one….

    Some relative background….
    So about 2 months ago I met this guy at the store and immediately started talking. (literally… in the parking lot for like 2hrs that night) We went out on our first date the next night and it went great. Ever since then we have hung out more times during the week then not, and when not together always talking or texting. I would like to add there is a 9yr age difference, which I really like and I think its because he is so mature and experienced with relationships.
    Anyways, we have been just going with wherever it takes us, and I’m pretty sure we both felt it was working out best that way. Through out this whole “relationship” I have had a lot of trouble opening up to him about how I feel or what I think when it comes to us. As well as I was not comfortable at all discussing parts of my past, mostly about my last relationship which we were together for over 4 yrs. Him on the other hand, he is very open, honest, and sometimes very blunt about his life. I was concerned almost immediately that my lack of communication was going to cause a problem somehow. More recently I have been letting him in, little by little about different thing trying to show him I want him to know everything there is to know, its just gonna take time for me to do so.
    My problem…
    I have known since day one that he had many goals and the ambition to follow through with every one of them one day, it was just the way he talked about these things. And the more time I spent with him and the more people in his life I met started proving some of them right before me so I knew he wasn’t just trying to talk a good game. He is genuinely honest with himself and everyone he cares about and wasn’t gonna let anyone keep him from striving to be the best he could be. This is what I love about him most and this is also what has in turn become my biggest fear. Certain little things recently have led me to believe we were headed right for the in a relationship status, comments his friends made, he made, meeting family, spending more and more time together, etc. and I guess I let my guard down and invested a little more of my heart into him.
    Then last night we went out to dinner after having a really good day together and he started talking about all of these feelings he had, not just about us, but all were very deep things. And then out of left field hes telling me how he doesn’t know where things are gonna go with us, and how he really doesn’t want a girlfriend, but this isn’t him cutting me out don’t get him wrong these are just things he feels. And sometime shortly after the new year he could be leaving the state and doesn’t know when he will be back but he wants to make sure I know its a possibility. This is something that he told me was a goal of his way back when we first met, and something that has come up from time to time in other conversations. Only in those other conversations he talked about me going with him, and it was more like an long vacation not like move there kind of thing.
    He left me with alot to think about that night and of course me not knowing what to say or how to react, I just let him keep doing all the talking while I might throw in a question here and there or some kind of reassuring comment to not let him see that I wasn’t sure what I really felt about the whole thing. By the time we left dinner we were completely off the subject and making small talk trying to kill the awkward thoughts we both knew were running through each others heads. (and really it was prolly more me thinking then him, but he knew that too) I dropped him off at home he gave me a kiss goodbye and told me he would see me tomorrow for some plans we kinda talked about.
    Everything would prolly still be fine at this moment if I would have just left it all alone that night and waited to see him again, but my head got the best of me and I could not stop thinking!! Racing thoughts were so bad I dont think I ever felt that way and it even made my stomach start to knot up. So I called him and told him I wanted to ask him a question about the earlier conversation. His reaction was why didnt you say it then? and my excuse was cus I didnt think it then, when I really had. he told me I was just thinking to much into all of it (RIGHT!) but I tried to say it anyways only my thoughts cluttered everything I wanted to tell him and out came things that didnt matter to me and things that Im pretty sure didnt make any sense what so ever. he could sence I was getting frustrated with myself over it and it was really late so we decided to go to be and talk tomorrow.
    after work I texted him and we started some small talk how was your day kind of thing and he told me about how he had alot of errands to run. I wondered what he meant by that since I thought we were hanging out, so I asked if he wanted company or help with something and his reply was no. That was fine, I really didnt care but I knew that if we were gonna talk about everything that I was still gonna have just as hard a time as before so i wrote him this text.

    I wanna appoligize for acting the way i did and buggin you last night. I realized today that no matter what you do im gonna be happy for you as long as your doing what makes you happy. I would really like to continue what we have until that time come and I wont have any expectations of it being something its not. Im really happy when Im around you and thats from the “just friends” viewpoint. If we never have an intimate part in our relationship again Im okay with that. I just wanna enjoy the time I have with you while i can. your kinda the only friend I have in my life right now. I always said it is what it is btwn us and we’ll see where it goes.. I dont have any high hopes only that you are willing to continue this and when you go if you change your number like u have in the past and remove people in your life that im not one of them.

    He freaked!! Telling me not to ever txt him that again, its so f****** annoying just wait to please call him on the phone. I was so frustrated with a reaction I wasnt expecting at all that I told him never mind and got upset saying how can he not see i obivously have a hard time speaking how I feel due what my thoughts do and that we didnt have to continue the conversation in a text. I just needed to put it down in words to get it out. and he didnt have to be a **** to me about it sorry.
    he then sent me a bunch of messages saying stop texting him… its annoying… stop god damn… stop f***** texting him and never call him… and Im a stupid B****

    I was blown away, he never acted like that with me or spoke to me like that, and at this point Im just completly lost, crying my eyes out needing someone to talk too… a little over an hr later he called me and told me that his phone recieved the message in like 7 txts and he was talkiing to a bunch of people when his phone blew up, and he was so embarrassed bc of me, he was sorry for getting mad but what was my reasoning for that, did i do that to other people too? I was like i didnt know it was gonna send like that I appoligize. if he read what I said he would know why i even sent it in the first place and where i misunderstood him in his reply, which made me say even more. he told me he didnt read them that he didnt care at the moment he was still to mad and then just as fast was like OMG I will read them and call you back ok? ….ugh ok bye

    its been 2 hrs and he hasnt called…. and i just dont know what to do when/if he does. what do i say? how to say it? and how not to loose control of my thoughts or emotions while talking to him.

    Sorry this is so long, if anyone makes it thru to the end i would appreciate some feedback. Thanks


    pseudogf
    Participant
    December 5, 2012 at 12:46 pm #18207

    I made it to the end, haha. So what did happen? I saw this was post a few days ago?

    Before you answer, from what I can see it looks like you really really like the guy but he’s at a point in his life where he’s meeting a ton of forks in the road and it’s not easy for him either. I think he was being fair to you by warning you he may have to leave the state but if he’s not inviting you or including you in any kind of regular visits it might be because he’d rather break it off. If he wants to be in a long distance thing it’d be tough and you’d have to put your heart out there AGAIN in hopes of a successful relationship.

    Besides feelings, do you see him capable of bringing you along? I kept thinking that he’s older and may only see you as another young adult looking to succeed in the future too. You two are at different stages in your life and he may be more willing to let go than you are bc he knows you’ll be fine without him.