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specialsnowflakeParticipantDecember 23, 2015 at 3:32 am #90448
I am in my late twenties and have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. I broke up with him two weeks ago because of his control issues. I am not sure if he is emotionally “abusive,” but he has made me feel less of myself in a huge fight over where I was working (I relocated for him and took a job at a restaurant instead of a professional job). The borderline-abusive fighting lasted for 8 months until I found my current professional job. He wouldn’t talk to me about things that upset me at first. When he did start talking to me, the conversations were circular and I did not feel he was listening to me or admitting any fault. He has been controlling in other ways, not always forcefully, like about how much I exercise, what I eat (I am an attractive, thin woman FYI!), my decision to not study for the GRE, my decision to get life experience before grad school, etc, etc. He is begging for me back and says he will change. Can people change controlling tendencies? Should I give him a chance?
xsammy1ParticipantDecember 23, 2015 at 9:26 pm #90457
I think you let him go! Guys who are super controlling will never change. You giving me him a chance is not gonna change anything. He will still be a controlling person.
RelationupParticipantDecember 25, 2015 at 3:32 pm #90502
I think that your boyfriend is projecting his own sense of self on you. This is really about his own self image vs anything you are doing. it is unlikely to change until he addresses his own issues. He is interested in how his perception (and others’ perception) of you reflects upon him. He sees himself with a certain kind of person. My guess is that he will continue to be disappointed both in you as well as himself if you don’t meet certain perceptual bars of achievement. He really needs to understand himself first before he can be with someone and give them the goal of happiness and self-fulfillment. That might be possible one day, but the work begins with himself first – starting with you would only mask the underlying cause of the problem.
Littlebitss1ParticipantDecember 26, 2015 at 9:43 am #90517
I would give him a chance I mean it seems like you have the ability to make your own life decisions and you have made good ones. Maybe just see if he is actually changed?
tlcchildParticipantDecember 26, 2015 at 7:47 pm #90532
Controlling people dont really change. Your posting this for permission to let him go. You know deep down its not right for you. Give yourself permission to cut all ties and communication.
BluekiteParticipantDecember 27, 2015 at 1:15 am #90546
I would like to offer a different opinion. I have been known to be somewhat “controlling” due to some traumatic past experiences I’ve had. My ex did leave me for this precise reason, and I don’t blame her for it. However, I am fully aware of the fact that I had my faults, and I really do want to change. I underwent some therapy and it has done wonders for me. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that controlling people can indeed change under the right circumstances. Depending on how much you weigh your relationship with this man, you definitely do have options.
lovememoreParticipantDecember 27, 2015 at 4:29 pm #90555
If you don’t like him anymore, you can try going for another guy. Let him into your life only if you love him and still want to be with him.
AnonymousDecember 27, 2015 at 5:27 pm #90559
I think that you should stay
AnonymousDecember 27, 2015 at 5:28 pm #90560
if you will control everything
it does not help relations
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