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mikejParticipantJanuary 3, 2013 at 8:58 pm #19944
So I’ve got this friend that I’ve known for about 3 years. The entire time I’ve known her she’s had the same loser boyfriend. I’ve always been attracted to her, but we’ve stayed just friends because we both really like and respect each other, and I respect her too much to tempt her to cheat on him with me. She came back into town about a week ago after being gone for about a year. We hung out 2 nights ago and we stayed up all night talking. She explained to me very clearly that her sexual desire for her boyfriend is now nonexistent, and its been that way for a while. The guy’s a burnout, bad with money, has anger issues that he seems to only take out on her, has a bench warrant in this state (which is the reason why they are only staying a week, even though she wanted to stay longer), and has pushed her to have sex to the point that he has hurt her doing so (she did use the word rape). At one point in the conversation she straight told me that she wanted to sleep with me. I didn’t make a move because I still didn’t want to make her cheat (out of respect for her, not him of course). She has convinced herself that despite all of the above he is actually a good person. She took my advice to dump him into consideration, but she is still gonna give it a month, to see if it will still work out. Oh, and another excuse that she had for not dumping him is because he is completely dependent on her. Without her he would be homeless, penniless, and without a vehicle, and she would feel guilty. I don’t really have a specific question, I was just hoping some of you could read this over, maybe give some general advice for a positive outcome for her. I’ve given her all the advice I can, but I feel guilty because I want what’s best for my friend, but I feel like my judgement might be clouded by my desire for her.
Thanks for reading -Mike
AriannaJonesParticipantJanuary 4, 2013 at 11:20 am #19975
Mike, I think you’re a great guy!
Congrats for not taking advantage of her vulnerable state -I’m sure it stems from her unfortunate rape encounter, not just the respect you have for her too. Either way, you’re clearly taking the high road and that’s the safest place for you and her.
I am curious though, do you like her because she is the damsel in distress and you want to be her knight in shinning armor? This glorified title may come to a crashing halt if you later realize you ended up dating a dream you imagined in your head.
As for the dead beat loser, sucks to be him huh. Since he’s so dependent on this girl, don’t expect this to be a clean break up between the two of them. If he’s aggressive, except longer talks at the middle of the night with her because this douchebag won’t let her walk out the door so easily. She’s gonna have to put up a fight and she’ll be kicking and screaming her way out of it. That’s where you come in, again.
She’ll be looking to hear your advice, hold her hand through it, one bruise at a time. You really have no right to step in their problems but the least you can do is be her friend. I can imagine this getting ugly and the loser coming out to you so be careful where you stand, you don’t want to get in that line of fire.
Regardless of all of this, don’t expect to run off into the sunset with your princess. She’s still going to need time to get over this guy, as much as she admits she’s not even attracted to him. If it’s been a year since you’ve seen her, she might only see your relatinoship evolving into a friendship–with that said, don’t overwhelm her and make her choose you over him either.
You’re headed in the right direction just make sure your motives don’t change and become too selfish, that’s where emotions and logic all mess up a relationship.
mikejParticipantJanuary 4, 2013 at 6:54 pm #20036
Thank you for the insight. I appreciate it, and to answer your question, no I’m not attracted to her because of her current situation. I’ve always found her attractive, on both a physical and emotional level. We both greatly enjoy each others company, and we both always laugh at each others dumb jokes. So there has always been some chemistry there. Unfortunately, some of the things I love most about her are the same things that are keeping her from breaking it off with this other guy. Like how kind and selfless she is.
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