Struggling to deal with her sexual past… have any guys been in this situation?

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Struggling to deal with her sexual past… have any guys been in this situation?

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    jms31
    Participant
    December 22, 2013 at 1:18 pm #45140
    Struggling to deal with her sexual past… have any guys been in this situation?

    I’ve been dating this girl for about a month now, and its the first girl I’ve considered having a relationship with in over a year. However, we were talking a few nights ago when the topic of past sexual experiences came up, and she told me that recently (a few months before meeting me) she had a threesome with two guys, one of which she just met that night.

    This hit me like a ton of bricks, as I had no idea she was capable of that, and thought (since we are both in our early 30’s) that she was looking for a relationship, and was not that type of girl. I can handle some wild past experiences, as everyone including me, has done stuff, but this seems to cross a line for me, and I can’t get it out of my head. She assured me she likes me, it was a 1 time thing, and that she’s more turned on by me than she was with that, but still considers this threesome a fun exciting experience and says she has nothing to apologize for.

    Should I end it?


    Frank2thepoint
    Participant
    December 22, 2013 at 2:42 pm #45146

    Have you ever watched the film “Chasing Amy”? Because you’re situation reminds me of that. If you never saw it, it’s basically about a guy dating a girl, finds out she had a sexual past, and he couldn’t get over it. Regardless of that, asking about a person’s past relationships and sexploits is a Pandora’s Box.

    Since the box has been opened, you have a couple of options. Accept it and move forward with a possible relationship, or just give up the girl and move on. Both options are for YOU to mull over and for YOU to decide on one.

    But before you choose, take a few things into consideration. She has assured you she likes you and she wants a relationship. This a green light that most men dream about, at least serious relationship seeking men do. If you like her and want to have a relationship with, then just move past this knowledge about her. What she did before you is her past, not your past.


    jms31
    Participant
    December 22, 2013 at 9:01 pm #45160

    I thought of that movie too… it is pretty accurate. I’m leaning towards ending it, as it was so recent, and she has no regrets and enjoyed it, it just is too much for me to picture with a girlfriend. Time to move on.


    Ac_s6913
    Participant
    December 23, 2013 at 9:22 am #45184

    I had to go through something similar to this before too. Tried to stick it out but I just knew it would always be there in the back of my head and couldn’t deal with it. Not to mention she was still also doing said thing with other people while we were together so that made the decision a lot easier eventually lol.


    n37x
    Participant
    December 24, 2013 at 2:52 am #45274

    Just my two cents, and I know you’re leaning towards ending it, so my two cents may not matter much anyways… BUT I’m gonna deal with the other side of the question, because I feel like that’s bothering you just as much.

    She says she has nothing to be apologetic for, and from what I gather, you disagree.

    However, assuming that everything else you say is true, about how she’s more turned on by you, it was a one time thing, etc., try to put yourself in her situation; meaning imagine you were in a threesome a few months before you met her. Also assuming you enjoyed it, what would you really have to take from the experience that you regret? Nothing, it was an experience and a chance to learn about yourself. And moreover, imagine she was struggling to come to terms with your past, and all you were doing was responding to a question honestly. How would you feel?

    I think the fact that she was as honest as she was speaks volumes, but like Frank said, you have 2 options.

    Good luck.

    bugslife
    bugslife
    Participant
    December 28, 2013 at 11:32 pm #45413

    As a woman that had to deal with some very extreme sexual exploits my boyfriend had prior to meeting me, I will say this… The past is exactly that. Doesn’t matter if it was 3 months 3 years or 30 years. Anything prior to you (unless illegal) shouldn’t be held against her

    lilymunster21
    lilymunster21
    Participant
    December 30, 2013 at 7:25 pm #45475

    I would give it time. There is nothing wrong with a person experimenting. As long as it is something in the past now that she is with you it shouldn’t be a problem. But I am not you and if you find it so troubling it wouldn’t be unheard of to end it. I would talk to her first…
    Start with something like…. ” I know how you feel about the threesome you had and it’s in the past but it is really bothering me…so much so I feel like things might not work between us.”

    I am a pretty easy going gal but if a person I was dating did something in the past that bothered me I probably wouldn’t ‘t continue the relationship. For example they let a person pee on them for sexual pleasure . In my personal perspective I would not want to be with someone that would “degrade themselves in that way” (even though in their perspective it was just kinky). Even though it ‘s in the past it is an indicator that we were not compatible. Just like maybe you and your girlfriend. Talks to her about it.


    punisher5353
    Participant
    December 31, 2013 at 6:38 pm #45486

    Just accept it. She did it before she met you. At least she was honest. On the other hand you know she’s very open-mided when it comes to sex. So your sex life should be good.


    venuzduran
    Participant
    January 1, 2014 at 2:24 pm #45496

    I was in a relationship where I was constantly judged due to my previous sexual exploits. He made me very unhappy because of this, he just couldn’t get over it. I have to say if you can’t get over it, and it plays over in your head then it is better that you just get out now.


    spiritofjosh
    Participant
    January 2, 2014 at 5:59 pm #45642
    Reply To: Struggling to deal with her sexual past… have any guys been in this situation?

    Honestly, most people can’t give you the answer because this is a personal decision. Some guys would be so turned off that they would lose all interest and other’s won’t lose interest but have that nagging feeling following them as long as they’re with the girl.

    In my opinion I’d stay stick around with her. You’re posting here for a reason, so obviously you have feelings for her still even after finding that out. It’s a tough thing to stomach but she cannot change what she did and it was her personal choice to have that experience. I’m sure you may of had some things in your past you’d change or not change if you had the choice that she may not be crazy about.

    Like another member said; she’s giving you the green light. Don’t drop her because of one experience she had because you’ll definitely regret it some time shortly after.


    lordyboy
    Participant
    January 4, 2014 at 3:34 pm #45821
    Reply To: Struggling to deal with her sexual past… have any guys been in this situation?

    As others have said, the ‘past relations’ box is a dangerous one. Most of us want to know the object of our affection in every intimate detail. Trouble is, I’ve never been in a situation where I’ve asked that question, and not ended up regretting it.

    That’s the tragedy of our ‘liberated’ culture. We all have pasts that ultimately destroy the intimacy we want more than anything with our current partner. These days though, even for women, a guy who doesn’t drop his trousers in a short period of time ‘MUST’ have issues and should be avoided.

    Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.


    jms31
    Participant
    April 7, 2014 at 6:31 pm #45283

    Thanks for the response… I know I’m being so hypocritical because my past is not great either. I’ve had my struggles with sexual compulsion, and have on occasion visited prostitutes, which she does not like at all. She was willing to move past it, and at this point I really want to move past it with her, because she really is a great girl.

    I don’t think she’s the cheating type (she was living with someone for 3 years and never cheated once despite their relationship not being great) and I think she is honest, and just had an experience that she felt she wanted. I’m just having a hard time getting it out of my head. It intimidates me, and scares me, and makes me so uncomfortable, even ashamed at times. Its definitely a Chasing Amy situation, and I hope this one works out better than that.


    Ashx88
    Participant
    April 7, 2014 at 6:32 pm #45394

    If it disturbs you, honestly it will create more conflicts in the future.


    Ashx88
    Participant
    April 7, 2014 at 6:33 pm #45501
    Reply To: Struggling to deal with her sexual past… have any guys been in this situation?

    happy new year 2014 and my best wishes to have a great days ahead 🙂
    anyway’s its exactly called sexual interest..

    Crescendo63
    Crescendo63
    Participant
    April 7, 2014 at 6:37 pm #45818
    Reply To: Struggling to deal with her sexual past… have any guys been in this situation?

    Jms, ask yourself a question: would you like having yourself a threesome? Have you ever fancied about that happening?

    – If your (honest) answer is anything positive, then you’re a big fat hypocrite and you have double standards – shame on you, and go back to the XIX century to where you belong! ;-P

    – OTOH, if your answer is negative, you and your GF might have different values.
    If your views about sexuality are somehow “conservative” (and hers – apparently – aren’t), this might be create troubles.

    But, honestly, it seems to me the issue is mostly about your insecurities.
    She has been honest, and that speak volumes about her integrity.
    I would rather be suspicious about women who play the “virgin”, and then they probably hide who-knows-what.

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