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conflictedfeelingsParticipantDecember 13, 2015 at 11:08 pm #90008
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 2 months now. I love him, and he loves me! He is pretty much perfect in every sense to me. We are best friends, and he always goes out of his way to do everything he can for me. He is truly a gentleman, and loves wholeheartedly. There is only one problem. He wants to wait until marriage to have sex, and I do not. We are both 18 years old and in college, so you can see how this might pose a problem. I have already had sex before, and I feel like we are at a place to take our relationship to the next level of intimacy. I don’t want to just have sex; I want to have sex with the guy that I love. He says that he wants to wait out of a mix between his faith and out of his own personal reasoning, that he simply doesn’t need it. I feel guilty that I even make him question his personal value and decision, but I am growing somewhat frustrated in the bedroom. He does a lot for me to make up for not having sex, but it is not the same. What do I do???
CollegeGirlNYCParticipantDecember 14, 2015 at 8:41 pm #90048
I think if you really like the guy and are truly falling for him, the positives should outweigh that aspect of your relationship. You do not want to mess up what you have for pressuring someone who isnt ready to have sex. In the long run if you guys stay together you will be happy you waited until you experience real love.
kobegoat24ParticipantDecember 15, 2015 at 12:56 pm #90074
I think you should wait. It is obviously important to him and if you love him as much as you say you do the lack of physicality of your relationship should not be a detriment to it. However, you should talk to him and tell him how you feel if this is really important to you
Louie97ParticipantDecember 16, 2015 at 11:05 am #90144
I would wait if I were you. Why rush the sex part? Lol it’s here for decades to come. Just focus on enjoying each other emotionally for now. I’m 18 as well, and I completely agree with his perspective
AnonymousDecember 18, 2015 at 7:00 pm #90305
Hi – I’m writing to you as a 30s hetero female and as an avid “Savage Love” (nationally syndicated advice column) reader.
Sexual compatibility is absolutely paramount in a relationship. Let’s say that you hypothetically decided to wait years for marriage, before having sex together. You might discover after you are married that:
a) He is not interested in sex ever and you would prefer it twice a week
b) He does not find you physically attractive
c) Once you’re close together you realize he has an odor you’re not attracted to. Or maybe he snores and that annoys you.
d) One of you is more kinky than the other and the both of you are not interested in the same positions/acts/etc.
e) You physically do not ‘fit’ into each other. Honestly, it’s possible to be with a man who is too well endowed for you to handle. The peg is not fitting into the square.
AnonymousDecember 18, 2015 at 7:06 pm #90306
Finally, there is a very large chance THAT HE IS GAY. I know of a woman who accidentally twice dated men who were gay. A lot of the closeted guys who are gay happen to be either very religious (usually the evangelical type of Christian) or very politically conservative. In the realm they are inhabiting it is not acceptable to be homosexual. Do you want to wait until after marriage to find this out?
Another thing – even if he is unwilling to perform the act of intercourse, do the two of you participate in other activities? Does he kiss you passionately, does he fondle you when you’re at his place? Do you two engage in oral?
Alas – the two of you have different desires. While it’s easy for people to say that you should not ‘pressure him’ the fact is that it is equally disappointing that he is letting YOU down. Neither of you should pressure the other – but the fact is that you two are not a compatible match. Please don’t allow YOURself years of misery waiting.
AnonymousDecember 21, 2015 at 8:53 am #90307
PART 3 (why the character limit here?)
You write: “I feel guilty that I even make him question his personal value and decision”
Never feel guilty for having a candid discussion with someone you love. You’re trying to find out not if he is Mr. Right but Mr. Right for YOU. Having close friends is very important and I encourage you to seek more close friends during your college years (join an outdoor club, environmental club, etc.). However, if you’re spending ALL of your time with him then that’s also time you are NOT spending meeting new men or even meeting new women who will eventually introduce you to their male friends. It’s time for a candid discussion with him. Yes, you love him. But no, you’re not sexually satisfied and sex IS a huge part of a relationship between two people. If his reasons for waiting seem unsatisfactory to you then you need to evaluate how long, realistically, you are willing to wait – and what you’re willing to give up in the meantime.
Harry WilmingtonParticipantDecember 29, 2015 at 10:31 am #90644
If sex is something you are wanting right now, you have to let him go.
I don’t fault him at all for wanting to wait – if that’s his choice, he has the right to do that and there’s actually nothing wrong with it. But, if you know you’re going to constantly be frustrated by not having sex, or that you may cheat on him as a result, then you have to find someone who has a similar viewpoint.
Understand: no matter how much this guy loves you, if he has a strong conviction and desire to wait… he may change his mind eventually (I was the same way at 18, thought differently at 23), but it’s not your job to change it. All you can do is love the person the way they are at the moment in their life’s journey, while at the same time being real about what needs you have and if that other person fits the bill for them.
OcdParticipantDecember 30, 2015 at 10:34 am #90724
Maybe you need to understand first about his principles of life that he called as “faith”
RelationupParticipantDecember 30, 2015 at 11:39 am #90729
If you love and respect your partner, you have to wait. From your post, it sounds like you two are intimate in other ways, so there’s clearly chemistry and desire on both of your parts. However, if this is someone who see having a future with, you should take the time to understand why he feels the way he does. Oftentimes at the beginning of a relationship, it’s the sexual chemistry that drives the connection. Over the long run, so much more than sex drives the connection. Being his best friend is wonderful, but that means respecting his feelings and beliefs. If you’re both only 18, he may just not be ready for sex. Give it some time. He may change how he feels or you may find that the connection really isn’t there regardless of whether or not your having sex. If you’re still having fun with him and enjoying really getting to know him, find other ways to be intimate and worry less about the sex for a bit. Two months in the scheme of a long term relationship is a heartbeat…
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