Trying not to screw up …

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Trying not to screw up …

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
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    zogoflax
    Participant
    December 28, 2016 at 3:54 pm #121243
    Trying not to screw up …

    After a lengthy absence in the online dating world, I got a wild hair last week to try it again and did. Met a very interesting woman almost immediately which led to 3 or 4 days of non-stop texting and laughing and fun. We have some personality characteristics in common … both slightly introverted, similar value systems, many kids between us, demanding jobs, etc. We went out on a date this past Monday night (and she was so beautiful and interesting!) that I thought went pretty well… and I think there is a great chance for a second date once our schedules allow it if I don’t get neurotic and overanalyze this in the meantime. Since the date, the communication has slowed quite a bit – which I expected, that was a pace we couldn’t possibly keep up and still do our jobs and do life. We are both haters of small-talk, but it seems like that is the direction the conversations are heading. I don’t want it to go there … need to keep the momentum and interest up. … (continued)


    zogoflax
    Participant
    December 29, 2016 at 7:43 am #121244

    but I am trying to find that fine line between being a pest and trying too hard, and showing that we don’t have to communicate all day long to keep things going. I’m definitely cooling it during the work day … but I want to get the real conversations going again and advance a little more. Any advice? Should I just keep things cool and low pressure and just work on planning a second date (may not be able to do it for another week or so)? I’m trying to avoid small talk, but I don’t want to just jump right in with something BIG because then it looks like I’m trying too hard. Help! FYI – we are both in our 40s.


    zogoflax
    Participant
    December 29, 2016 at 7:43 am #121245

    How can I keep this going without being a pest, and without days of small talk until I can get to the second date (which may not be for another week)? I want to get the real conversations going again, but may have to wade through some small talk to get there again. I’m trying to definitely cool it during the work day… we’re both busy, no need to be distractions. Any advice on how to keep the conversation fresh and get it loose again?


    multisamsami
    Participant
    December 29, 2016 at 8:16 am #121272

    You want to avoid small talks maybe because you think it’s boring and it’s a waste of your time, you’d rather talk about topics you like because you feel like it’s the only way to deepen your connection with her
    But I think that there’s true value in any kind of conversation. There is value in small talks, because it’s also a way of getting to know the other person, of feeling to where the other person comes from, and see if you have commun ground with her. Let’s say you have a small talk with her and she’s saying that she was petting her dog, it may seem superficial, but in fact she’s giving you a window into her own thinking, into her life. She’s basically showing you what her lifestyle is like – you can then ask her about her pet, and discover maybe that she has a passion for dogs since she’s a kid, and she really likes to educates them and so on… there is value to small talks. and they can even lead to deeper conversations!


    rachaelblackmore
    Participant
    December 30, 2016 at 5:29 am #121292

    I agree with multisamsami. Small talk isn’t always ‘interesting’ but it’s more about just keeping the lines of communication open between this date and the next. We can’t always have deep and meaningfuls, or always be interesting, it’s not how life works! You can deepen your connection with her on the phone or on dates. Personally, when I was dating, I quite liked hearing about the little things in my partner’s life, I found it endearing that he’d text me to tell me something funny had just happened, or that he was watching something good. Maybe she isn’t expecting as much from you as you imagine? Are you putting the pressure on yourself to be ‘interesting’ or has she made you feel that way?