Gay Dating

4 Best Gay Sex Tips: For Tops, Bottoms, First-Timers & Couples

We gay guys get a lot of press about being sex mongers ready to drop our trousers at the first opportunity to hit it with a ready and willing hottie. When, in reality, this unjust assumption has led to stereotypes that sexualize our identities and define us solely by our penises.

Socio-political injustices aside, these beliefs can limit our opportunities for expanding our sexual repertoires to their true potential, interfering with our abilities to experience maximum sexual pleasure and intimacy. None of us are born instinctively knowing how to be great lovers. It’s all about learning, experimenting through trial and error, and acquiring experience until we become comfortable, confident, and honed with our lovemaking skills before we reach that pinnacle of Sexual Olympian status.

And even when we think we’ve mastered our craft, we come to realize we can always learn new ways of being erotic and sexual that can heighten our intimate lives to a whole other dimension than we’d ever thought possible. What follows are some sex tips that you may find helpful in taking your love life to that next level.

For Tops | For Bottoms | For First-Timers | For Couples

The Best Gay Sex Tip for “Tops”

As the penetrator during anal sex, you’re often put in the position of leading the sexual journey. Make sure your bottom is well taken care of, and you will be rewarded with an exhilarated lover.

1. Stimulate Him to the Max Before Making Your Grand Entrance

While a quickie can be hot in and of itself, it’s important to remember your bottom goes to a LOT of trouble to make sure his “man cave” is clean for you in anticipation of some slip-and-slide action, so try to keep those wham-bam moments to a minimum. Nothing grates on a bottom’s nerves more than spending hours watching what they eat and cleaning themselves out to then find the main sexual event only lasted two minutes.

Sex is more than just penetration; lots of foreplay helps to prolong the experience and heightens both of your arousal and desire thresholds. Stimulate his entire body with kisses and touches with varying pressures. Explore his body and learn where his particular erogenous zones are so you can stimulate those areas more succinctly. Get his anus ready for your monster by teasing and stimulating it with your fingers, tongue, dildo, the head of your penis, etc. You want him writhing in ecstasy on the bed, begging to be taken before you mount him and show him a great time.

Unless it’s a quickie, you should be doing lots of foreplay before entering your partner.

When you enter him, go slow at first and let him get used to accommodating your member into his body. Monitor his reactions as you increase the speed and depth of your thrusts to ensure he’s feeling pleasure and enjoying the experience before you switch to Energizer Bunny mode to avoid hurting him (since the anus is not as elastic as a vagina). Use lots of lubrication and vary the positions and methods to spice things up and experience more pleasure.

The Best Gay Sex Tip for “Bottoms”

As the receiver in sexual penetration, the bottom has a lot of power to control the direction of the sexual experience. Take advantage and channel your energies into making your top feel like a champion.

2. Be an Active Participant in the Sexual Encounter & Send Him Over the Edge

One of the common complaints I hear from tops in my therapy and coaching practice is they find it boring and annoying when their bottom “just lays there” and “expects me to do all the work.” While for some part of the joy of being a bottom is the passivity inherent in the role, you also play an important part in the experience.

Just because you’re a bottom doesn’t mean you have to take a passive role.

Keep in mind it’s a lot of pressure for the top, as the penetrator, to be able to establish and maintain a solid erection for the festivities ahead, so it’s essential that you play your part to the hilt so he doesn’t feel like the sole provider for the pleasure to come.

Take the lead in the foreplay activities, tease him with your body, your caresses, and your oral skills, and edge him by masturbating him to the brink of climax, and then retreat before repeating the exercise again. Work him up into such a frenzy that he can’t wait to throw you back on the bed and get busy. Through your active contributions to the sex play, you’ll be helping to feed his turn-on, which will only serve your best interests by keeping the sexual encounter lasting longer and more frenetic.

The Best Gay Sex Tip for “First-Timers”

Your first-time gay sexual experience can never be repeated, so it’s important to set the stage for a great emergence into your gay sexuality to lay a positive foundation from the get-go. This should not be entered into casually — as it can either affirm a healthy sexuality or leave lasting scars depending on how you negotiate this very important developmental milestone. Your first time is special and can set the tone for your sexuality for a long time to come.

3. Avoid Mimicking What You See in Gay Porn

It’s not realistic! Become your own unique version of a porn star that’s true to who you are. Gigantic cocks, sex that lasts for days, ejaculations that look like Niagra Falls… these are the fantasies that have made the gay porn industry a billion-dollar empire, but they are not accurate depictions of what true gay sexuality looks like.

Avoid using porn as your medium for sex education. Instead, get reputable books or seek out a sex educator or therapist for guidance. Do not rely on the internet for information, as there is a lot of misinformation out there that can steer you wrong. Having sex requires accurate education, maturity, and emotional readiness, so make sure you meet all these prerequisites before contemplating your first time.

If you’re in your first gay relationship, don’t try to be a porn star during sex — that’s not what gay sexuality truly looks like.

Even though it may not seem sexy to you, it’s essential that you become knowledgeable about safe sex practices and sexually transmitted infections and how to protect yourself and those you may potentially sleep with. It’s recommended that your first time be with someone you know well, feel safe with, and can trust since sex is a very personal and vulnerable experience. Assertive communication is key as you will need to speak with your partner about such issues as safer sex, STD-status, discussing sexual preferences and needs, etc.

It’s also recommended that you go slow and try vanilla sex first in a paced fashion. Sometimes it’s best to avoid penetrative sex at first and just stick to kissing, touching, mutual masturbation, and oral sex and gradually work yourself into deeper forms of intimacy. You may have been waiting a long time to experiment with your gay sexual self, but you want to ensure it’s a positive and pleasurable experience that enriches your life.

Books such as “The Joy of Gay Sex” by Dr. Charles Silverstein and Felice Picano and “Gay Sex: A Manual for Men Who Love Men” by Jack Hart may be good introductory books to help orient you to the basics of gay sex and become familiar with gay sexual terminology and sexual practices.

The Best Gay Sex Tip for “Couples”

As partners in a committed relationship, it will be important for you to cultivate a healthy sexual life together that will last the test of time and continue to give you years of satisfaction and intimate connection.

4. Diversify Your Sex Life to Keep the Erotic Charge Burning Bright

One of the secret ingredients for keeping passion alive in a long-term relationship is novelty, anticipation, mystery, and intrigue. Predictability and monotony contribute to boredom, complacency, and fizzled sexual chemistry.

One way you can help counteract this common tendency is to keep things exciting, new, and different in your sexual relationship so you and your partner are kept wondering what’s coming next. This takes effort and creativity but is well worth it! Have sex in different places, mix up the sexual positions you typically employ, write out and share your sexual fantasies with each other, validate your partner and let him know how much you love him and how sexy you think he is, plan outlandish sexual encounters and dates, etc. There are limitless possibilities!

If you’re bored in your sexual relationship, don’t be afraid to talk it out with your partner and mix things up.

Play sex-themed board and card games, go sex toy shopping together, role play with porn or other scenarios, attend a couple’s retreat (the Body Electric School has been known to be a good resource for this), learn tantra together, read erotic novels or write your own, etc. Become the author of your own sexual story as a couple, and you will take your relationship to heights of intimacy never imagined before. “The Gay Man’s Kama Sutra” by Terry Sanderson is a good book to explore as a couple.

Create Your Own Sexual Journey!

Your sexual journey is your own, so shape it in a way that aligns with your values. Safety, responsibility, and consent are essential conditions to allow yourself the freedom to be uninhibited and enjoy one of life’s gifts, sexual pleasure, to the maximum. What are some other sex tips that you might share for each of these categories? Let’s share in the wisdom with each other. Cheers!

Photo sources: nbcnews.com, weheartit.com, towleroad.com, huffpost.com

About The Author

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW, is “The Gay Love Coach." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com. Connect with him on Google+.