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|Amber Brooks • 5/24/17|
If you’ve been active on a dating site for a while, you know most dating profiles look very similar to one another. It’s like we’re all playing some bland game of Mad Libs. “Hi, I’m [name]! I’m [good trait], [good trait], and [ideal virtue you wish you had but don’t]. I enjoy [activity] with my friends or watching [popular television show or movie] on my own. I’m here to [hedge and say you want to meet new people], and I’d love to [flirtatious invitation].”
C’mon, guys, you’re more than the sum of your Netflix queue! Where’s the originality? Where’s the panache? Dating profiles shouldn’t read like job résumés. Your personality, sense of humor, and storytelling ability are more important than the bare facts.
Of course, writing a funny and attractive dating profile is no easy task. To give you some idea of how it’s done — and how it should never ever be done — we’ve compiled the 13 all-time funniest dating profiles out there. These side-splitting online profiles can be witty, crazy, or just plain stupid, but at least they’re memorable. Enjoy!
A lot of guys paint a picture of their ideal date — dinner, movie, makeout session, etc. But one 22-year-old single took this trope to ridiculous and glorious levels on his dating profile. Jake describes picking his date up in his Kia Sorento with lit candles in the car.
He even writes out the banter: “You go, ‘…Is that dangerous?’ and I go, ‘Yes — but I like danger.'” Then the romantic evening takes a turn for the ludicrous. “We come outside and we see my car’s on fire,” Jake continues. “I pull out a bag of marshmallows and I go, ‘No, I knew this was gonna happen.’ And then I kiss you. In front of my burning car.”
This imaginative profile, courtesy of Tumblr, entertains online daters with an amusing story.
In just three paragraphs, Jake shows his creativity, spontaneity, and flirtatiousness. And he likes s’mores! Who wouldn’t swipe right on that?
What works for one person can be taken too far by another. Here’s an example of a hypothetical story on a dating profile going bad — hilariously bad. Rosefacekillahh, from Melbourne, Australia, warns online daters that she’s “not down to earth at all” in her OkCupid profile’s self-summary.
Then she explains in vivid detail what will happen if you don’t answer her texts. “I will turn up to your house drunk at 3 o’clock in the morning crying and trying to break in.” Points for honesty?
By the way, she also claims to hate bicycles, beaches, sunshine, and parks. So, a fun date all around.
In her dating profile, Rosefacekillahh describes a nightmare scenario that will scare off most, if not all, potential suitors. Probably best to avoid depicting yourself as a psycho stalker if you want people to message you. Just a suggestion.
At the tender age of 19, Petar has already perfected the art of Tinder profile writing. He makes sure anyone swiping through generic bathroom selfies pauses when his profile shows up.
First, you have the picture, which is nothing short of epic. He’s decked out in armor and has a long sword slung casually over his shoulder as he looks off to the side, as if to say, “I’m too cool to look directly at the camera.”
Evidence suggests this type of photo is very attractive to online daters. According to OkCupid’s data crunchers, “Men’s photos are most effective when they look away from the camera and don’t smile.”
And then there’s his one-sentence About section: “I’m banking on your standards being a lot lower than mine.” Playful, self-deprecating, and original. We may not know much about him as a person, but we know he’s hilarious, and that’s enough to make a striking first impression.
On the surface, Taylor seems like a normal 32-year-old man with a well-kept beard and friendly smile. When it comes to his OkCupid pictures, however, he’s a viral sensation.
Reddit gushed over Taylor’s OkCupid profile photo of himself in ladybug shirt (which he made) against a ladybug backdrop.
His creativity pays off when looking for a date. He boasts an 80% response rate to his messages on OkCupid. That’s pretty stellar success for an online dater. The average reply rates for men hover more in the 30% to 50% range according to OkCupid’s internal data. Taylor is doing something really right in his innovative photo sessions.
The Huffington Post dubbed Taylor, “a veritable OkCupid God” due to his array of zany photos, including one of him sitting lakeside with red writing saying “YOU” and pointing at the empty chair beside him. As Chiparoo wrote on Reddit, “Well he’s got MY attention.”
When Becky joined Tinder, she dove right in. She wasn’t afraid to show her fun side in her profile. I’ll say this about her, she’s ballsy.
For her profile picture, Becky chose a shot of her up to her neck in colorful plastic balls. Talk about a conversation starter. Hilarious, with just a hint of innuendo, Becky definitely makes an impression on the singles of Tinder.
Under the About Becky section, she wrote simply, “I love balls.” Genius.
The 23-year-old dater is definitely in on the joke and inviting some raunchy conversation starters with her funny dating profile.
OK, so this isn’t exactly a legit dating profile, but it is really funny so it goes on the list. Some bored person on the web created a Zoosk profile for Superman. And it’s every bit as cheesy as you’d expect.
In the Story section, the comic book superhero explains, “Long story but let’s just say you better be ready for a love affair that’s out of this world.”
Under movies, Superman writes, “Action. Romance. Sci-Fi. Nothing with Gene Hackman or Kevin Spacey” as a nod to his cinematic arch enemies.
His perfect match has alliteration in her name, and his ideal date is anything not involving Kryptonite. No word on whether Lois Lane has a profile of her own yet.
This gem of a dating profile, highlighted by Cosmopolitan, has one of the most laugh-out-loud About sections ever. It’s just so random. I have to let her Tinder profile speak for itself. Take it away, Sydney:
“The only reason I want a boyfriend is so that when I’m singing Fergalicious and it’s at the part where she says, ‘I be up in the gym just workin on my fitness he’s my witness’ I can point to him and he’ll do the little ‘wooOOH’ part because right now I have to do both parts by myself and it’s stressful.”
Sydney makes them boys go loco. I hope this 24-year-old single has boys lining down the block for her.
You’d think everyone on OkCupid is there because they want to meet people. But you’d be wrong. Some users just want to be left alone while they wait for an imaginary perfect match to fall in their inboxes.
Reluctant online dater dont_email_me lives in Texas, and he is very clear about what type of woman he wants: “If I can’t bounce a quarter off your inner thigh, hit the gym, not the ‘send’ button.” Charming.
“We cannot differ on anything. If we do, you’ll have to change.” — dont_email_me, an OkCupid user in Texas
“Okay, here’s the thing,” dont_email_me wrote in his self-summary, “I receive tens of thousands of emails a day and I can’t possibly take the time to read all of them. Or even some of them. All I know is, please don’t send me an email if we aren’t at least 100% match and 0% enemies.” Message received. Or, not.
Savanah, age 22, is a mystery wrapped in an enigma. Her Tinder profile doesn’t give much away. Her picture shows her leaning against the railing of a bridge with sunglasses covering her eyes. She looks pretty but nondescript. Not a lot of skin showing and no clues to her personality.
Her About section is a little more informative, but not in the way most daters want. “A little-known fact is that I cover 40% of Africa,” she wrote. Get it? Savannah. What a tease!
When setting up his Tinder profile, Reid went above and beyond the call of duty. I guess the 25-year-old single didn’t have any good heroic pictures of himself on-hand, so he improvised.
The result is a comical portrayal of himself carrying puppies out of a burning animal shelter. Shirtless. Because why not? Hey, if you have a genuine six-pack (or the ability to photoshop one), Tinder users deserve to know.
What I enjoy most about Reid in this picture is his look of sincerity. Clearly, he’s someone with a healthy sense of humor (and possibly heroic aspirations). I imagine a lot of girls swipe right on him.
Pictures on Tinder are extremely important for a first impression, so kudos to Reid on sending a positive, original, and funny vibe to date prospects on the app.
This anonymous OkCupid user, featured by Buzzfeed, already had our attention with his oh-so-original shirtless bathroom selfie. His physique doesn’t really warrant foregoing a shirt, but maybe he’s just really proud of the giant cross tattoo on his arm.
The picture isn’t the funniest part of his dating profile, however. The reason he’s on this list of the funniest dating profiles ever is his answer to “What I’m doing with my life.”
“I go to school to become an airplane I’ll be done in March next year,” he wrote. And I have so many follow-up questions.
Far be it from me to crush someone’s dreams, so I wish the guy luck in his studies to become an airplane. Hopefully, proofreading isn’t involved.
This OkCupid user probably thought he was going to put women’s minds at ease right off the bat by choosing the profile name “IWontMurderYou.” Alas, he harps on the point far too much throughout his profile, excerpts of which can be found on Guff.com.
“Let me take you into my magical world of not murdering anyone, ever, for any reason.” — IWontMurderYou’s dating profile
This guy answers the innocuous prompt “What I’m doing with my life” with this creepy denial: “I’ll tell you this right up front: Certainly not murdering ANYONE, least of all you! Beyond that, mostly digging.” Digging, what, exactly? Graves?!?! Pro tip: When crafting a dating profile, stay away from murder jokes.
Matthew begins his Tinder bio by saying he’ll ask “How high?” when his date says, “Jump!” A sweet sentiment, but then he starts kidding around: “When you say ‘three feet,’ I’ll reply with, “That’s too high… I only have a 34-inch vertical.”
The 23-year-old single isn’t afraid to poke fun at himself. “So really what I’m saying is I hope you’re willing to settle for two inches less than you expected,” he writes. I see what you did there, Matthew.
On a dating site, you’re up against an army of singles all competing for a date. If you want to catch someone’s eye, you have to inject some individuality in your profile’s username, photos, or bio and make yourself stand out to online daters. Just make sure you’re on the right side of the joke.
Some of these 13 dating profiles may be cringeworthy, but they certainly arrest your attention and make you pause in your swiping to chuckle a bit. Which, if you ask me, is worlds better than sinking into the background of easygoing, likable, and loyal singles with tired language on their profiles.
When you write your dating profile, don’t be [insert name here] — be wacky, be bold, be creative. But, most importantly, be you. Good luck!