21 Funny Online Dating Quotes (From Experts & Memes)

Online Dating

21 Funny Online Dating Quotes (From Experts & Memes)

Brittney Mayer Brittney Mayer • 12/04/17

Online dating isn’t always a ball of fun — it’s actually more like a rollercoaster ride with ups and downs. When you’re experiencing those downs, laughter is the best way to pick yourself up.

We’ve compiled a list of 21 funny quotes about online dating (from experts in the industry, comedians, and the jewels of the internet, memes). These are sure to make you chuckle as well as reset your batteries so you can get back out there with some optimism.

1. “Guys’ Number One Fear With Online Dating is the Girl is Chubby. Women’s is They’re going to Get Murdered.”

The full quote by comedian Hampton Yount goes, “You can really see the differences in the level of fear going into online dating. Guys’ number one fear with online dating is turning up at their date and the girl is a bit bigger than her picture — chubby. Whereas women’s number one fear is that they’re going to get murdered.”

It’s hilarious but also sad how true this quote is. Most women, before going on a date, will tell someone who they’re going to be with, will give them the address of where they’re going, will text in the middle of dinner saying they’re OK, and will let them know when they got home. We’re not so sure a lot of men feel like they have to take these precautions.

2. It’s Not ‘GreatCupid’ or even ‘GoodCupid’. It’s OkCupid.”

“It’s right there in the name. It’s not ‘GreatCupid’ or even ‘GoodCupid.’ It’s OkCupid,” Helen Hong, another comedian, joked in a Telegraph article.

A meme of Spongebob

OkCupid is a great dating site, but when you think about it, do you really want to have just an OK online dating experience? Photo source: MemeCrunch.com.

Even though OkCupid is one of the biggest dating websites ever, this quote reminds us that what you name something (whether it’s your business or your child) is very important.

3. “I Went From Feeling Good About Myself to Feeling Like a Leper Alone in a Room Typing.”

Comedian Ryan Hamilton expressed his frustrations with online dating in that same Telegraph article:

“My friends said if you’re not involved in one of these online dating services, you’re just gonna get left behind socially, you know. I’m not afraid to try something new. I’m not. So I signed up. Changed my life. I went from feeling good about myself to feeling like a leper alone in a room typing.”

4. “Online Dating is Like Online Shopping Except You’re Looking for People No One Wants and It’s $50 a Month.”

This is how the whole quote goes: “Online dating is like online shopping — except for that with online shopping you’re looking for things people really like, and you get them cheap. If you’re online dating, you’re looking for people no one wants, and it’s $50 a month,” said funny man and magician Phil Pivnick.

Photo of faces on a computer screen

People aren’t shoes, so being able to pick and choose a date seems strange. However, that’s what some people love about online dating. Photo source: Huffpost.com.

Phil isn’t the only one who feels this way — many singles have said similar things about the whole process of choosing people to date like you would choose a sweater to wear. It does seem kinda odd.

5. “Dating Profiles Emphasize Listings of Your Favorite TV Shows. As If You’re Supposed to Define Yourself by How You Distract Yourself.”

In her “Nine Months Luciana” series, author Maggie Wells writes, “Don’t you think it’s weird how dating profiles emphasize listings of your favorite TV shows, movies, and books? It’s as if you are supposed to define yourself by how you distract yourself. It’s like impersonating a person — this is what I do instead of engaging with other people.”

She’s got a point. Is dating someone who also likes watching “Game of Thrones” and listening to Phish a real dealbreaker? Probably not.

6. “Now My Dream of Finding Love Can Be Crushed More Efficiently and in the Privacy of My Own Home.”

This next quote comes from Pinterest user Tammera 21’s page: “I can’t believe how convenient online dating is. Now my dream of finding love can be crushed more efficiently and in the privacy of my own home.”

GIF of Anne Hathaway from Les Misérables

While online dating is convenient, you’re also more likely to face rejection on a daily basis compared to what you might experience in offline dating. Having tough skin comes in handy.

7. “If We Meet Offline and You Look Nothing Like Your Pics, You’re Buying Me Drinks Until You Do.”

Relatably.com shares some of its favorite online dating quotes, and we found this one to be especially amusing. Studies do show that 53% of people lie on their dating profile — men tend to do so about their careers, while women tend to do so about their age. Google Reverse Image Search is your friend, people!

8. “Do I Believe in Computer Dating? Only If the Computers Really Love Each Other.”

This quote belongs to Groucho Marx, an American comedian as well as a stage, film, and television star, and can be found all over the web. After all, love is love is love, right?

Photo of Wall-E and his girlfriend

As Groucho Marx and WALL-E prove, love is love is love. Photo source: CartoonBros.com.

According to DatingSitesReviews.com, over 75% of millennials and 48% of seniors are looking for love online, and if you’re one of them, more than likely you won’t have any trouble finding it.

9. “It’s a New Way to Get Rejected — Mathematics!”

Comedian Matt Moore’s full quote goes like this: “Eight percent of people who apply for eHarmony won’t get a match. It’s a new way to get rejected — mathematics!”

An article by Bustle reports that 80% of singles have been ghosted by someone they met online. Rejection is unavoidable in online dating. Actually, it’s unavoidable in dating, in general, so try to take it with a grain of salt no matter how it happens.

10. “Ahh, Tinder. The Crystal Meth of Online Dating.”

Tinder came onto the online dating scene in 2012, and it was the first app to allow singles to quickly say yes or no to a match (swipe right for yes and left for no). This is one of the reasons why it’s become known as more of a destination for hookups instead of relationships.

Photo of Jesse from Breaking Bad doing meth

Apps like Tinder make it easy to swipe through matches very quickly, so it can become addicting. Of course, nowhere near as much as meth, though. Photo source: Wikia.com.

We’ve had tons of friends who’ve used Tinder, and it does have a game-like feel once you really get into the swiping, which can be a good and bad thing. As comedian Simon Taylor said: “Ahh, Tinder. The crystal meth of online dating.”

11. “Online Dating is Just as Murky as Finding a Used Car. Once You Learn the Lingo, It’s Easier to Spot the Models With No Warranty.”

Earlier in the article, online dating was compared to online shopping, but author Laurie Perry also believes it can be like trying to buy a used car: “Online dating is just as murky and full of lemons as finding a used car in the classifieds. Once you learn the lingo, it’s easier to spot the models with high mileage and no warranty.” If you’ve ever used a dating site or app, you know there are some interesting people out there, to say the least.

12. “Based On Your Dating Profile, Literacy is Not One of the Characteristics We Share.”

Research from various sources has proven that using bad grammar and having spelling mistakes in your profile is a huge online dating turnoff.

Photo of the fragile quote from A Christmas Story

Singles say a profile with spelling mistakes and poor grammar is the biggest dealbreaker. Photo source: FBCoverStreet.com.

An eCard on Pinterest agrees: “Based on the content of your online dating profile, I’m guessing literacy is not one of the characteristics we share.”

13. “One Guy Said He ‘Used to Be in a Band.’ I was like ‘That’s Not an Occupation.'”

Julie Klausner shared her online dating story with DoubleQuotes.net, stating, “Oh, yeah, I did the online dating thing. I did Nerve. I did Match. On Nerve, there was this one guy who, when I asked him what he did for a living, said he ‘used to be in a band.’ I was like ‘That is not an occupation.'”

More than 49 million people have tried online dating, so you may have to dig through the weeds to find that special someone… or someone who at least has a real job.

14. “I Wish There Was an Online Dating Website for People Who Hate Online Dating.”

Niche dating websites have given singles with specific wants and needs places to have those specific wants and needs met. Whether it’s someone who’s tall, someone who likes horses, or someone who practices a gluten-free diet, there’s a dating site for it.

Photo of a man screaming at a computer

There’s a niche dating site for clown lovers, so one for online dating haters shouldn’t be too far behind. Photo source: keblog.com.

Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll have one for people who absolutely cannot stand online dating — like this eCard on Pinterest wishes.

15. “The Sexual Orientation Question. Remember When That Was Easy? Now There’s 17 Options Like Just Gay on Tuesdays.”

When online dating first hit the web in the ’90s, things were pretty basic. You’d input your name, age, location and start searching for a match. Today, some dating websites require a lot more information. For example, eHarmony has 155 questions you can answer — ranging from words you would use to describe yourself to the top three things you’re thankful for.

It can be too much for some people, including Debra DiGiovanni, a comedian who put it this way, “When you’re filling out an online dating profile, even the one question you think you know the answer to — the sexual orientation — do you remember when that was easy? When there were like two options for that? Now there’s like 17 different options — like one where you can just be gay on Tuesdays if you want.”

16. “Mom’s Always Nagging Her to Go Back on Match.com, But Aunt Penny Says She’d Rather Have a Root Canal Without Anesthetic.”

Sarah Darer Littman retold her aunt’s online dating experience in her book “Want to Go Private?”

“It’s kind of freaky to send your picture over the Internet to someone you don’t really know and then have to sit waiting for their judgment on how you look. Maybe that’s why my aunt Penny, who got divorced two years ago, hates online dating so much. Mom’s always nagging her to go back on Match, but Aunt Penny says she’d rather have root canal work — without anesthetic.”

Photo of a scary dentist

Online dating can be so frustrating sometimes that people would rather go to the dentist, do their taxes, or take part in something equally sucky. Photo source: OralAnswers.com.

Online dating definitely has parts to it that are awful, like being sent a nude pick or being ghosted, but having a root canal done without any medication sounds WAY worse if you ask us.

17. “If You Own a Smartphone, You’re Carrying a 24/7 Singles Bar in Your Pocket.”

Not only is Aziz Ansari one of the funniest comedians and best actors of our generation, but he’s also one of the most insightful. In his best-seller “Modern Romance: An Investigation,” Aziz, along with American Sociologist and New York University Professor Eric Klinenberg, examine romance in the 21st century.

One of the many gems to come out of the book include this quote: “Today, if you own a smartphone, you’re carrying a 24/7 singles bar in your pocket.” We can now date anywhere and everywhere, but is that a good thing?

18. “I Can Barely Even Run a Computer. God Knows What I’d Get on Online Dating. I’d Get Something Subhuman or Something.”

Stockard Channing is probably most famously known for her role as Betty Rizzo in the musical “Grease,” but she’s also a hilarious woman who doesn’t seem to have much faith in online dating, the people who use it, or her tech skills.

Photo of a grandma using a computer

When you’re dating online, sometimes you never know who or what you’re going to get, which can make things harder if you’re unfamiliar with technology. Photo source: imgflip.com.

New pieces of technology, particularly for online dating, are being created so often now that it can be hard to keep up. If you’re not the most techy person, frustration and stress could ensue.

19. “She Had So Much Talent in Taking These Photographs to Make Her Look Different Than What She Actually Looked Like.”

Peter the Persian, another comedian on this list, addressed one of the biggest fears people have with online dating — that someone won’t look like they say they do or be who they say they are.

“I went on an eHarmony date. That was interesting. And I went down there, and I’m not saying the girl was ugly — I’m just saying she should have been a photographer. She had so much talent in taking these photographs to make her look very different to what she actually looked like,” he told the Telegraph.

20. “I Look Great in My Profile Pictures. They Were Taken When I Didn’t Need Online Dating to Meet People.”

This eCard quote goes hand in hand with the last one: “I look great in my online dating profile pictures because they were taken when I didn’t need online dating to meet people.”

Photo of online dating expectations vs. reality

Studies show that more than half of online daters lie on their dating profile, and that includes photos. Better be on your toes! Photo source: bestoftens.com.

That same study we referenced early that found over half of all singles lie on their dating profiles also found that one in four women post old photos of themselves. Another study reported by the New York Times found men’s photos are an average of six months old. While the quote above is funny, the truth about it is scary.

21. “Computerized Dating Can Save a Lot of Guesswork, But So Can a Bikini.”

Our last quote comes from Ed Parrish who’s right about online dating saving you a lot of time and effort. However, if physical appearance matters greatly to you, you’ll either want to meet with a match in person ASAP or exchange photos (best to do the latter on hookup sites).

Laughter is the Best Medicine, Especially in Online Dating!

We’ll end this article with one more quote, in case you haven’t gotten enough. “Laughter is the best medicine — unless you’re diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high,” according to Jasper Carrott. The bottom line is you’re supposed to enjoy online dating, but we’ll be honest and tell you that you’re not going to enjoy it the entire time. When that time comes, refer to these quotes to lift your spirits!

Cover photo source: glamour.com