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|Amber Brooks • 1/09/18|
Hands down, the worst dating profile I’ve ever read was written by a law student who thought he knew the way to impress a woman. But he really, really didn’t.
“What reason can I give you to date me?” he asked after a brief and generic bio. “I have never EVER sent an unsolicited dic pic, and I’ll bet not many guys can say the same.” Yes, he spelled dick wrong. He went on to reference his strict no-unsolicited-dic-pics policy twice more in his profile, and then he copy/pasted his personal claim to fame in his message to me.
All this made me suspect that he has sent his junk to a girl and gotten chewed out for it, which caused him to overcorrect. Or maybe he’s just really proud of his restraint. Like “Hey, look at me, I’ve never sexually assaulted anyone, aren’t I a catch?” Ick.
I do have to thank that guy, though, because his dic-pic fixation gave me a great story to tell my single friends. Bad dating profiles are fun to talk about, shudder over, and learn from, so our dating experts decided to put together a list of the top 13 worst ever online dating profiles. The crude, the rude, the dumb dudes — this list has it all.
First up, I’ve got to give the prize for the worst dating profile in the history of dating profiles to a guy who straight-up tells people they’re not going to like him. AsianTom is a Californian single who’s likely to stay single for a good long while.
Seriously, the first sentence in his dating profile is: “I make it difficult for you to like me as a human being.” I thought I must’ve misread it or it was some sort of typo, but, no, he goes on: “On every conscious level (including un- and sub-), I think I am better than you.”
“I offend your morals, yet you still laugh at my jokes, which only serves to fuel your own self-loathing.” — AsianTom in his OkCupid dating profile
So now I’m thinking the 28-year-old single is being ironic or making a self-effacing joke. Reading on, however, it’s clear that this is not a stable or funny person. “I key in on your insecurities,” he writes, “and abuse you verbally. I offend your morals, yet you still laugh at my jokes.” Um. No.
It is, actually, very difficult to find anything to like about AsianTom. When I see awful dating profiles like this, I wonder if they’re actually trying to get a date, or if they just want a place to vent their loneliness and bitterness on the world.
Your self-summary is your chance to put your best foot forward, not scare everyone off, but one thrice-convicted sexual offender clearly didn’t get that memo. He’s upfront about his criminal record, which is, you know, worrisome but also sort of admirable. It’s going to come up eventually, so at least he’s being honest.
But then he sinks his chances of ever getting a date by saying, “I’ve turned a corner, so if your cool with that, hit me up. Not like I hit them up, though. LOL.” No. Not LOL. OMG.
Sometimes a dating profile is so horribly bad that it’s pitiful, and that’s how I feel about the unfortunate guy who ranks third on our list. He’s just so, so sad.
This single guy wrapped himself up in a towel for his dating profile picture, and it’s hard not to feel bad for him.
The OkCupid user is definitely aware of his dating struggles because his response to the prompt “I spend a lot of time thinking about” is “Will I be single all my life?”
I mean, I don’t know for sure, buuuut judging by this picture, yes. Yes, he will. What kind of poor judgment led him to think his most attractive pose would be peeking out of a brightly colored towel with a wide-eyed smirk?
This one of the worst dating profile pictures I’ve ever seen. It’s hard to even laugh about this one because it’s so bad that it’s baffling.
Bathroom selfies are pretty much never a good idea. Particularly naked ones. Particularly weirdly disturbing photoshopped ones like David’s. This 27-year-old single was clearly bored out of his mind when he decided to photoshop his arm taking a selfie coming out of his crotch. I can’t even look at it for too long. Why?! Put on pants, no one wants to see that!
OkCupid’s open-ended questions sometimes get singles into trouble because they just can’t help but vent about their dating troubles and, in so doing, reveal exactly why they’re still single in the first place. Spoiler alert: It’s not because they’re a decent and amazing person.
This Full-House slashfic erotica writer is a prime example. In the “most private thing I’m willing to admit” section, he can’t help but complain about his inability to score with women. “I’m so sick of being friendzoned,” he writes, which already isn’t going to gain a lot of sympathy from single women who are damn good friends.
Then he says, “Ladies, if you’re looking for a REAL MAN who will value you for your heart and not your body, your knight in shining armor awaits.”
OK, not so bad, right? A little cliché, but he seems earnest. Wait, but then he adds: “No fatties, please,” and reveals himself for the hypocritical douchebag he is.
Jennifer — whose Tinder profile says she is both 31 and 41 — seriously needs to get her act together. Instead of making a flirtatious joke or describing herself as a person, she decides to use her profile to rant about what she does NOT want in a partner.
She writes, “I order to not waste my time (or pretty) by forcing me to sit through yet another bullshit conversation or some lame guttermutt pick-up line, let me be clear, I have no desire to fuck you.” She goes on to say some pretty mean things about Tinder’s hookup culture and men, in general.
Even more bizarre, her profile picture is a much-too-close-for-comfort shot of her torso in a bikini… but then she says she’s not going to have sex? I honestly don’t know what Jennifer’s deal is.
Miles, 23, wanted to show that he’s an outdoorsman in his profile pic (he probably also wanted to show off his muscular physique), but carrying an ax is so not the right way to go. Like, at all.
This whole Tinder profile makes me cringe. Miles’ awkward pose and uncomfortable smile gives me the creeps, while his ax causes warning bells to go off in my mind. On one hand, I know he’s probably not an ax murderer. But, on the other hand, he does have an ax.
His byline could have made it better with a lighthearted joke or a witty comment, but somehow he just made it more awkward.
“I have a PhD in Snuggleology,” he wrote. “Swipe right if you are indeed ready for this jelly.” I am not ready. Will never be ready. Swipe left!
Let Miles’ profile be a lesson to all singles: When you’re picking out an attractive profile pic, leave your murder weapons out of it. At least until the second date!
Liam’s problem isn’t that he chose to wear a blond wig, necklace, and lipstick in his profile picture. It’s not the most attractive look (the platinum blond wig really clashes with his dark beard), but it’s kind of funny and definitely memorable. That’s not what won him a spot as one of the worst dating profiles ever.
It’s his one-sentence bio that sinks any chance that a Tinder user will be swiping right. Liam writes about himself, “I’m a 38-year-old hairdresser from Pakistan and a compulsive liar.” First, his profile says he’s 25. Second, his pinkish white skin suggests he’s not Middle Eastern. Third, at least he’s honest about being a liar…?
Originality in your Tinder profile is a good thing. There’s so much competition out there that you have to make yourself stand out somehow.
Matt thought he’d make a positive impression with a picture of himself naked in bathtub filled with Cheetos. He’s also wearing a black wig with red highlights and earnestly offering a Cheeto to the camera. This picture clearly took a lot of effort and planning, but what I don’t understand is… why?
I give the 37-year-old props for going the extra mile and trying to entice women through everyone’s favorite orange-dusted snack. But, seriously, this look is not working for Matt.
This is one of the worst dating profiles because it shows a complete lack of understanding about what women want. Cheetos are delicious but not sexy.
One 11th grade student on OkCupid is very upfront about what she wants. No, not a date. An iPhone. She says she loves people who buys gifts for her to show they care and she’s really good at sex. Her profile basically reads like an application to be someone’s sugar baby.
“Lol I’m SO DESPERATE for someone to buy me an iPhone 5 or iPod Touch fifth gen,” she writes in the “most private thing I’m willing to admit” section. Then in the “you should message me if” section, she describes her ideal man as, “You’d be willing to get me the iPhone 5 or iPod Touch fifth gen…”
You’ve heard the phrase “it’s so bad, it’s good,” right? Well, that pretty much sums up Alli Reed’s descent into online dating madness. The Cracked writer thought she was being clever by coming up with the worst dating profile ever. She really went all out on this thing, referencing fake pregnancies, saying she loves “Grown Ups 2,” and making a string of dumb comments.
Her profile name was AaronCarterFan. She even says YOLO. This profile practically screams “Don’t message me! I’m a crazy person!” And yet, within 24 hours, Alli’s fake profile got 150 messages. Ugh. Guys are dumb.
“I made sure my creation touched on every major facet of being truly horrible: mean, spoiled, lazy, racist, and willfully ignorant, and I threw in a little gold digging just for funzies.” — Alli Reed, a Cracked writer
Alli messaged her suitors with all-caps gibberish (my favorite was: “CAN I PULL OUT YOUR TEETH?”), and yet they kept coming back for more. Some even asked this clearly psycho chick out on a date!
Alli said it best in her conclusion: “Men of the world: You are better than this. I know many of you would never message AaronCarterFan, but many of you would, and a whole bunch of you did. You’re better than that.”
Unfortunately, single men can’t post random nonsense and get hundreds of responses from single women. Because, standards. Something tells me wowniceusername’s rambling OkCupid bio didn’t score him many date invites. He describes himself as a “devil-worshiping cocktail of ethnicities,” but what he really is is all over the place.
“Noise is purity,” he writes, out of nowhere. “I like offensive jokes and whiskey. I revel in the world’s absurdity.” Absurd is right. This guy covers a lot of ground in one paragraph, but somehow he conveys nothing but confusion and chaos.
“Soundtracks are the fastest way to my little black heart,” he concludes. “Voilà, self-summary. The mind reels.” Yes, it really does.
Last of all, I give you a single girl who has no idea just how unappealing her username is. Chlamydia_Lydia has chosen a truly unfortunate — and outrageously funny — username for her OkCupid profile.
The 21-year-old bisexual woman lives in New York and is very pretty, but her profile’s self-summary hints that she’s having trouble getting a man’s attention online. She pleads, “GUYS! please right [sic] me a message instead of just putting me in your favorites!”
Now, as we’ve seen, single guys will put up with a lot for a hot chick. But there is a line, and, apparently, it’s venereal diseases.
I think it’s safe to assume Chlamydia_Lydia’s username isn’t exactly drawing quality men to her.
I’ll say one thing about Obsessed-With-Dic-Pics: He knew he had to make himself stand out from the crowd of creeps online. And he did. I will always remember that profile and the utter confusion and horror it made me feel. Just not in a good way.
Terrible dating profiles certainly attract attention and make people wonder. The worst online dating profiles on our list are ridiculously, hilariously, and impressively memorable, and that’s something to be proud of, in a way.
Of course, I wouldn’t recommend making the same mistakes as these ignominious singles. The goal is to be memorable for a good reason, not because you can’t spell or talk like a decent person. Hopefully, this list of god-awful dating profiles gave you a laugh and made you feel a tiny bit better about your own definitely-not-the-worst-ever profile.