How Can I Be Friends When His Dating Life Makes Me Jealous?

October 5, 2012
How Can I Be Friends When His Dating Life Makes Me Jealous?

Reader Question:

I met my friend Alex one year ago this month. What was supposed to be a one-hour happy hour session turned into five hours of great conversation. When I asked him out a second time, he responded yes, but only as friends. He had been dating a guy and recently became exclusive.

Six months later, he and I were out with a group of friends. As the night progressed, he and I became more and more intimate and ultimately had sex later in the night.

The following weekend, while lying in his bed, I grabbed his hand and a few seconds later he moved away. I knew something was up. He told me he was still in love with his ex-boyfriend. What I didn’t realize was that over the past month I had been growing in love.

Three months went by without me speaking to him. I broke down and sent him a text. He recently broke up with his ex again. I learned his ex was coming to see him for a weekend and I got super jealous.

Will I ever be able to be content with just a friendship? Is it possible to move forward with my true feelings? How can I be friends when his dating life makes me super jealous?

-Jozee (Georgia)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

I want you to notice one thing about this relationship. You have been the pursuer at all times, even after he told you from the very beginning he could only be friends.

He doesn’t chase you. You chase him. You asked him out a second time. You broke down and text him.

He’s actually been fairly honest all along and that’s probably why he thinks it’s OK to have sex with you — because he feels he laid out the ground rules. But you ignored his warning, and for you, sex became a passion turning point that made you grow more in love.

And his inconsistent reactions to your attempts to pursue have been putting you on an emotional roller coaster.

I have two gentle suggestions:

1. Lose his number.

2. Take some personal growth time to understand why unrequited love is so attractive to you.

Once you have a more loving relationship with yourself, you’ll understand why you deserve so much more.


No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

Dr. Wendy Walsh is the author of "The 30-Day Love Detox"" (April 2013). Connect with her on Google+.

Related Topics:
Gay Jealousy Mixed Signals

2 Responses

    Same thing has happened to me hun. It’s hard to step back, but it’s not your time, let him go back to his ex while you go looking for something better.

    i think it’s impossible to be friends if you’re jealous of who hes dating. you’re just going to be hurting every time you see him or every time he talks about his boyfriend. maybe its best just to let it go.

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