I met my friend Alex one year ago this month. What was supposed to be a one-hour happy hour session turned into five hours of great conversation. When I asked him out a second time, he responded yes, but only as friends. He had been dating a guy and recently became exclusive.
Six months later, he and I were out with a group of friends. As the night progressed, he and I became more and more intimate and ultimately had sex later in the night.
The following weekend, while lying in his bed, I grabbed his hand and a few seconds later he moved away. I knew something was up. He told me he was still in love with his ex-boyfriend. What I didn’t realize was that over the past month I had been growing in love.
Three months went by without me speaking to him. I broke down and sent him a text. He recently broke up with his ex again. I learned his ex was coming to see him for a weekend and I got super jealous.
Will I ever be able to be content with just a friendship? Is it possible to move forward with my true feelings? How can I be friends when his dating life makes me super jealous?
Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:
I want you to notice one thing about this relationship. You have been the pursuer at all times, even after he told you from the very beginning he could only be friends.
He doesn’t chase you. You chase him. You asked him out a second time. You broke down and text him.
He’s actually been fairly honest all along and that’s probably why he thinks it’s OK to have sex with you — because he feels he laid out the ground rules. But you ignored his warning, and for you, sex became a passion turning point that made you grow more in love.
And his inconsistent reactions to your attempts to pursue have been putting you on an emotional roller coaster.
I have two gentle suggestions:
1. Lose his number.
2. Take some personal growth time to understand why unrequited love is so attractive to you.
Once you have a more loving relationship with yourself, you’ll understand why you deserve so much more.
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