My Ex is Sleeping with Someone. Am I Wrong to Be Mad?

Mary Gorham Malia Mary Gorham Malia • 9/25/14

Reader Question:

My ex and I were sleeping together. Then we had a fight. She admitted, as did I, that we would like to be involved again. In the meantime, she had set up a weekend with some other woman she had met online.

I thought she was meeting her for an afternoon, but it turns out they were meeting for the entire weekend (meaning they would have sex). Once I found that out, I was livid, hurt, angry and very upset.

She thinks I had no reason to be angry, as she had told me two months before she was meeting her.

I think I acted like most people when you think you are getting back with someone and they pretty much do what they want regardless of your feelings. She never denied sleeping with her.

Was I wrong to be angry? I sent her an angry email, too.

-Lee (Wisconsin)

Mary Gorham Malia’s Answer:

Dear Lee,

It sounds like you’re feeling confused along with being angry. Let’s take this apart using the power of questions.

I’m not going to give you any easy yes or no answers. You have a problem that looks like it reflects a pattern on how you approach life, so let’s level up your approach to problem solving.

1. Did you ask enough questions to be clear on what she was doing when you talked about getting back together?

The answer appears to be no.

2. Before you went with the feeling that you wanted to get back together with her, did you spend some quiet time in meditation so you could get clear as to whether getting back together was the best thing for both of you?

The answer appears to be no.

3. Did you inquire within yourself to determine if you were just being nostalgic, missing the good moments and conveniently forgetting what wasn’t working?

4. Do you have a right to be angry?

We feel what we feel, so feel it without judgement. Then ask yourself the better question of, “What does being angry get me?”

Is it about being right? Is it about ensuring she is wrong in this and not you for going back with her?

5. Is your being right more important than the relationship?

What I’m suggesting, Lee, is you go deeper with your process in getting back together with your ex. Ask better questions. Ask the questions that get you better answers.

She feels you knew what she was doing. You feel you didn’t know. That’s a red flag for big communication issues.

Instead of judging her, decide if you want a relationship with her, and then dig into learning how to be a better communicator.

Judging others as wrong and making yourself right doesn’t solve the problem or heal a wound. It simply creates stalemates and deeper wounds.

Ask yourself, “What do I really want in my life?” and “Why do I want that?”  Then go after that.

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