My Two Lovers Passed Away. How Do I Start Over?

Mary Gorham Malia Mary Gorham Malia • 9/25/14

Reader Question:

I am bisexual and for 20 years I was in an on again, off again relationship with the most wonderful woman. Then I got into a relationship with the perfect man.

I was in love with both of them and we had an arrangement where I was with both of them. Everything fell apart when he passed away in 2011 and she passed away in 2013.

Now I don’t know how to even start over. Can you help me and tell me where to start?

-Melanie (Alabama)

Mary Gorham Malia’s Answer:

Dear Melanie,
First let me extend my sympathy for your loses. You’re dealing with major grief along with the many life changes created when we lose a partner(s).
Bisexulaity is not as unusual as it was 20 years ago, but it’s still unique to think you’ve lost both of your life partners within two years. I have no idea of your age, but for the sake of this answer, let’s say you’re in your 40s or early 50s.
The first and most important thing to do is to take time to heal and rediscover who you are at this stage of your life. It could be really helpful to work with a life coach or a dating coach to help you with the process of creating a vision for your life going forward.
Often when a person loses a life partner, there is an impulse to fill the void as quickly as possible. That is often riddled with problems as you try to squeeze your new partner into the mold of your previous partners or discover that you really aren’t healed or ready to do the work to commit to a new relationship.
You’ll also discover the rules of dating have changed a lot since you left the dating world many years ago.
As a dating coach, I’ve worked with numerous women who have lost their life partners. I recommend you take time to heal, so when you get out into the dating world again, it’s from a place of peace and newfound contentment with where you are in life.
It’s also important to re-evaluate what you want in life going forward and what you want in relationships going forward. Explore your expectations, requirements, wants and needs.
Take your time to learn how the dating world has changed because it has changed radically in the last 10 to 15 years with the introduction of technology, dating forums and online dating.
Fortunately bisexuality is more accepted these days and online dating sites make it an option as you search for a connection. That can mean it may be easier than you think to meet a new partner, but beware of individuals who are just experimenting versus who really accept your lifestyle.
If you have a great network of friends, be sure to spend time with them as part of your healing process. If they are all coupled, then explore where singles in your age range are hanging out. Check out local meetup.com groups in your area for ideas for singles.
You’re so fortunate to be able to say you’ve had two great partners in your life.
That’s a wonderful story and experience to have had, but it’s important that you move into your new single life with perspective, be prepared for things to take longer than you want and don’t be surprised if you have a few failed dating experiences while getting to the right relationships.
Failures are just learning experiences. Learn the lessons and keep going.
Good luck, Melanie. Thank you for sharing your story here and good luck in the coming year.

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