You may have dated a girl for the past several months or even years before things fell apart.

And for the foreseeable future, because she got to you like no other, you suddenly find yourself in uncharted territory.

How do you cope so you can move forward and eventually open up to someone new? It’s all going to depend on your self-esteem, support system and ability to adjust.

After the initial shock wears off, you contemplate what went wrong. You feel weird because she’s the one who did the breaking up. You retrace your steps.

You think about that off-colored joke at her sister’s wedding that fell on deaf ears, the dinner where you (actually) forgot your wallet as the check arrived, your struggles in bed after drinking too much (this never happened before!) and those first moments while meeting her parents when your throat ran dry.

Your entire history with her flashes before your eyes.

The places you went together and things you shared are constant memories. Most of the mistakes you made seemed innocent enough, but when she gave you the talk, there was obviously a lot more going on than you realized.

Breakups are hard – no matter the reasons. However, because we’re men and men always want to be the generals leading the charge, a girl splitting up with us is often very hard to take.

It cuts deeply into our masculinity, our leadership, our esteem and (yes) our emotions.

Some of us have the ability to move forward with very little downtime. For others, dealing with the after-effects isn’t a simple process, especially if you deeply cared for or even loved the woman who turned you loose.

Here are a few tips:

1. Seek out your support system.

No, I don’t mean driving to your mother’s house and laying your head in her lap while you sob and she strokes your hair.

I mean talking with your closest male friends, those you really trust. I guarantee they’ve all been standing in your spot at one time or another. If they haven’t, they’re either lying or aren’t human.

Nothing can help you more than speaking with those inside your inner circle, as long as their advice is genuine.

“No one can be

Superman all the time.”

2. Female friends.

Speak with that girl you grew up with or a co-worker you’ve come to know.

As long as it’s a respectable relationship and she has your best intentions at heart, a female opinion can be priceless. And let’s face it, nobody understands women like other women – period.

Describe to her what happened (leaving out the super intimate details, of course) and give her the basic script. She should be able to give you valuable insights and grasp the situation fairly well.

However, she might say something you’d rather not hear, like another guy could be in the picture, so be prepared. A woman’s emotional closet is sometimes filled with many secrets.

3. Get out there.

Unless you’re Charlie Harper, beginning to date again can really heal the wounds. But dating again can only heal you if you’re emotionally available to give love another try.

Don’t do this until a respectable amount of time has passed. It isn’t fair to the next object of your affection. And if you’re still wearing your heart on your sleeve for another, women can sense this a mile away.

So when you’re ready (really ready), go ahead. You’ll begin feeling better in no time.

4. Talk with her – maybe.

If you parted as friends with no shouting matches or psychopathic hysterics requiring police intervention, then a possible conversation down the road could be helpful.

However, this only works if you can keep any grand illusions of getting back together in check.

Speak with her as you would a friend or family member. Be open about your thoughts, but respect her decisions.

After time has passed, and if she honors your true feelings, she could provide more reasons why she said her “goodbyes,” leading you to better closure.

Word to the wise here: Only do this if you’re really past any lingering or hard feelings.

5. Professional help.

If you need help coping and can’t do it on your own, there’s no dishonor in contacting a professional. Psychiatrists and counselors can assist you with your healing process.

Don’t wait till you’re curled up on the couch and surviving on pizza delivery. These folks are very good at what they do and only have your best interests in mind.

No one can be Superman all the time. Each of us can periodically benefit from a little guidance.

Are you currently rebounding from a relationship or have in the past? What are some of the things you’ve done to deal with it?

Photo source: bp.blogspot.com.

Meanwhile, you’ve been sitting next to him on the couch this whole time – having a threesome with Beyoncé and Paris Hilton.

Did he notice you?

If this sounds like a typical Saturday afternoon with your man, then you both need to get your priorities straight because it doesn’t sound like this person is adding anything positive to your life, nor are you receiving benefits.

He’s taking more than he’s receiving, and right now it sounds like he’s taking for granted what a wonderful partner he has in his life.

I’m not saying anything new.

All the great dating experts (Steve Harvey, Chey B., Demetria Lucas and Dr. Wendy Walsh) have told you the same thing!

Even Taylor Swift had the right idea with her breakup hit “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.”

Down the line, after the initial pain and loneliness, you’ll discover your partner was leeching off you – emotionally, physically and maybe even financially. And you sure as hell don’t look like “The Giving Tree.”

A relationship is supposed to be mutually beneficial. No, not just in the bedroom!

Just because he goes down on you and gives you two licks to the center of the toostsie – making you roll your eyes to the back of your head – doesn’t mean you’re getting that deep, intimate, loving partner who is thinking of you and enjoys sharing quality bonding time.

“What is he giving in return,

and is it an equal exchange rate?”

I should know.

I’ve been through it and have friends who are going through it now.

I was seeing a guy named Jon (name has been changed) and I fell in love with him.

Long story short — Jon broke a huge promise to me, and I still shake my head about it because I gave him a lot of chances to work things out between us. Three strikes and you’re out.

Ladies, it’s not OK to be in a relationship just because you’re in a relationship.

At times you will feel lonelier when you are attached to a neglectful partner than you would be if you were single because:

• “Hey, it’s my birthday! Why didn’t he call?”
• “Happy Holidays! Where is his card?”
• “I hope I feel better soon! Why hasn’t he come to see me yet?”

Yep, I’ve been through all these scenarios with Jon, and it’s not worth being with someone who reminds you daily you’re not worth picking up the phone for or being there for at times when it matters.

If you give your man:

• Your time, love and attention
• A #1 spot on your priority list
• Every last drop of saliva after…. “Giving him the romance“
• Money!
• Encouragement, especially when he’s down in the dumps

Then it sounds like you’re giving a lot and investing so much in this one person. Ask yourself, “What is he giving back in return, and is it an equal exchange rate?”

Because if you’re tired of paying taxes for someone to sit around and pick his ear all day, then why are you letting your man do that to you?

Ladies, are you going to dump his ass?

Photo source: sheknows.com.

A girl I didn’t know but who knew me from high school liked old pictures of me through Facebook. It sparked my attention and I started to chat with her.

The first date was amazing. The second date was also great fun. Plus, both the dates ended with nice kisses.

After the second date, I tried to find a day we both could meet, but I didn’t succeed. I can’t help but think she decided she wasn’t going to meet me anymore

What I can’t seem to understand is why she changed her mind after two great dates. Can I get her to change her mind?

-Shaul

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Shaul,

Here’s the crazy thing about first and second dates: One person can be thinking it is the best date of their life and the other person is feeling a tad underwhelmed.

We don’t know exactly what she experienced, although some women do give nice kisses out of politeness rather than attraction. It’s like they think they have to be a good hostess.

But other things could have happened. Her heartthrob ex could have walked back into her life for one final hurrah. Her job or school could be overwhelming. Her mother could have come to visit.

Or maybe she just felt you liked her too much. Plenty of people get mistrustful of behavior that seems to be too much, too soon.

Can you get her to change her mind? Probably not. But the best chance you have is to lay low for a while. Stay happy and busy – too busy to even think of her.

In a few weeks, send a little hello text and see if she responds quickly and with more words than you. If not, then you have your final answer.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

Most first date conversations consist of topics like movies, hobbies and jobs, but what about exes or breakups?

Despite being somewhat taboo, a new study conducted by DatingAdvice.com found one-third of Americans don’t mind discussing their dating past while on a first date.

The results show men were 6 percent more likely than women to feel comfortable with such discussions.

The highest response came from divorcees. Forty-two percent of divorced respondents said it’s OK to talk about past relationships during the first time out with someone, while only 34 percent of single respondents said the same.

Clinical psychologist and DatingAdvice.com expert Dr. Wendy Walsh said the fact more women than men are hesitant when talking about past romantic partners on a first date shows there is a sexual double standard at work.

“Women lose cultural points with too many past partners. Men gain points for sexual experience,” she said.

“Hispanics had a 56 percent lower likelihood to

have this discussion than any other ethnicity.”

Age appeared to suggest people might become more relaxed with discussing their exes and the like as they grow older. While one out of three 18- to 24-year-olds felt the topics were appropriate, that number jumps to two in five for 54- to 64-year-olds.

Race showed few significant indicators with the exception of Hispanics, who were found to have a 56 percent lower likelihood of discussing past relationships on a first date than whites, African-Americans or Asians.

Dr. Walsh said most Americans may feel uncomfortable bringing up these subject matters on a first date because they feel guilt or regret about their past dating experiences.

“Either we carry a lot of shame about our failed relationships, we want to present a ‘clean slate’ to a future romantic partner, or we are becoming a nation that is emotionally avoidant and tender topics bring us fear,” she said.

The Breakdown: Americans Who Think It’s OK to Discuss Past Relationships On First Dates

By gender:

• Male: 37%
• Female: 35%

By sexuality:

• Straight: 36%
• Gay: 41%

By marital status:

• Single, Never Married: 34%
• Married: 36%
• Divorced: 42%

By age:

• 18 to 24: 30%
• 25 to 34: 38%
• 35 to 44: 37%
• 45 to 54: 34%
• 54 to 64: 40%
• 65 and older: 36%

By race:

• White: 38%
• African-American: 38%
• Hispanic: 25%
• Asian: 39%

By income:

• Under $25,000: 32%
• $25,000 to $49,999: 37%
• $50,000 to $74,999: 37%
• $75,000 to $99,999: 42%
• $100,000 to $124,999: 46%
• $125,000 or higher: 37%

By region:

• Northeast: 34%
• Midwest: 38%
• South: 35%
• West: 36%

Visit DatingAdvice.com/Studies for more research on dating and relationship topics. Relationship expert Dr. Wendy Walsh is a frequent contributor on CNN and other major networks and is the author of the new book “The 30-Day Love Detox.” Photo source: youngandrestlesstoronto.wordpress.com.

Sex is an important part of any romantic relationship, but would you break up with your partner if the sex wasn’t good?

A new study conducted by DatingAdvice.com shows men put more emphasis on the quality of sex.

According to the results, men were 50 percent more likely to end a relationship if they feel unsatisfied in bed.

Marital status also seems to be an important component, as single men were 17 percent more likely to break up over sexual dissatisfaction than married men.

Conversely, one out of four single women said they would end a relationship if the sex was bad, while one out of six married women said the same.

“Thirty-two percent of 35- to 44-year-olds said they

would leave a sexually unsatisfying lover.”

Dr. Wendy Walsh, clinical psychologist and DatingAdvice.com expert, said the study supports the cultural notion that sex is more important to men than women.

She added the most important factor to recognize when analyzing the results is single men place more significance on sex than married men.

“This may reflect that married men gain more benefits from marriage that makes sex lose its value,” she said. “Or it may reflect that some single men are having relationship commitment issues because they place so much emphasis on sex and don’t see the value in intimacy building.”

In terms of race, 38 percent of African-Americans answered in the affirmative —12 percent higher than Caucasians and three times more than Asians.

Age also showed significant differentials, as 32 percent of 35- to 44-year-olds said they would leave a sexually unsatisfying lover compared to 24 percent of those aged 65 and older.

The study surveyed 1,080 respondents over the course of three weeks, balancing responses by age, gender, income, race, sexuality and other factors in order to accurately represent the U.S. population. The study has a margin of error of +/- 2.8%.

The Breakdown: Americans Who Would Leave if Sex is Unsatisfying

By gender:

• Male: 33%
• Female: 22%

By sexuality:

• Straight: 26%
• Gay: 39%

By marital status:

• Single, Never Married: 30%
• Married: 22%
• Divorced: 38%

By age:

• 18 to 24: 29%
• 25 to 34: 27%
• 35 to 44: 32%
• 45 to 54: 25%
• 54 to 64: 25%
• 65 and older: 24%

By race:

• White: 26%
• African-American: 38%
• Hispanic: 30%
• Asian: 13%

By income:

• Under $25,000: 27%
• $25,000 to $49,999: 25%
• $50,000 to $74,999: 31%
• $75,000 to $99,999: 30%
• $100,000 to $124,999: 36%
• $125,000 or higher: 21%

By region:

• Northeast: 29%
• Midwest: 27%
• South: 26%
• West: 26%

Visit DatingAdvice.com/Studies for more research on dating and relationship topics. Relationship expert Dr. Wendy Walsh is a frequent contributor on CNN and other major networks and is the author of the new book “The 30-Day Love Detox.” Photo source: sheknows.com.

My significant partner went through menopause. Since 2009, we have not had intimate sex and she no longer wants or has interest in intimacy. We are in our late 50s.

I still care but we do not seem like a couple. I am considering leaving. I’m just not willing to have a non-intimate relationship no matter how much I care, love or still want her. She will not talk about it.

What should I do?

-Liam (Texas)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Liam,

Here are some things you should know: Women tend to like a variety of stimulus in a sexual relationship much more than men.

Many men can get along fine if the pipes are cleared regularly. But women like romance, affection, candles and a feeling they are desired.

When a husband begs for sex, it can feel like he is selfishly asking her to please him, but when a husband tells his wife she is hot, does some nice things for her and explains it’s hard to control himself around her beauty, then she may get aroused.

But my bigger concern is she won’t talk about this relationship problem. Has this always been her way to deal with conflict?

If so, then I would venture to guess a dry sex life is a symptom of a deeper relationship problem. It might be time to visit a marriage counselor for some tips.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

I am a 31-year-old single father. I met this woman online two months ago. We finally met for coffee one morning. It was fantastic! I asked her to lunch and we had a great time. She and I have so much in common on a personal level.

After drinking some wine, I text her all of these deep things, like I’m the best man she’s ever met, how great she is, etc. The next day I apologized. She replied “Yeah, you def scared me away. I am not sure what to even say.” I replied if she could overlook it, I’d like to see her again. She gave no reply.

Is there any way I can salvage this?

-Joe (Ohio)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Joe,

In a word, no. But you did learn a very valuable lesson: The early dance of love involves the ability to pursue yet contain yourself.

It’s kind of like learning to drive a stick shift. Too much clutch or too much gas can cause you to stall. Next time you’ll do better.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

I had been dating a guy since January. We clicked immediately and fell in love. He told me he saw a future together. I told him I felt the same. I also showed him how I felt with affection.

He left for three weeks with his friends in Las Vegas, visiting family and business meetings. We texted each other when he was away. When he got back, he broke up with me.

I told him how I felt about us. He agreed it would be good to give our relationship another try. He said if I don’t hear from him in a while, it didn’t mean he wasn’t taking things seriously. It’s been a week now and we’ve had one email exchange.

I know some space is good, but how long will this be until we meet again to start rebuilding our relationship?

-Karen (New York)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Here’s a lesson every woman should know: While we commit when we’ve met the right guy, men commit when they’ve hit a state of readiness.

There’s not one thing a woman can do to rush a man’s state of readiness, so don’t take it personally.

Also, don’t wait around. If he broke up with you, he means it. It’s telling that he did it after a Vegas weekend with the guys. He liked his freedom there.

My advice: Move on. When he’s ready, he may come back, but generally when a guy hits a state of readiness, he throws to the new girl who’s up at bat.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

New research suggests individuals are more likely to reinforce their feelings with matching music.

Published in the Journal of Consumer Research, the study found when asked to recall experiences involving personal loss, participants showed a significantly higher likelihood to prefer sadder music.

Researchers also found when facing frustrating situations, participants liked more frantic music.

“When asked to recall personal loss,

participants preferred sadder music.”

Participants were presented with interpersonal situations (losing a relationship) against impersonal situations (losing a competition) and then rated angry, joyful and relaxing music.

Researchers said when some people experience a serious emotional distress at the end of an intimate relationship, they frequently turn to such activities to evoke sadness. This can serve as a temporary surrogate for the lost relationship.

“Consumers seek and experience emotional companionship with music, films, novels and the fine arts as a substitute for lost and troubled relationships. Emotional experiences of aesthetic products are important to our happiness and well-being,” writes authors Chan Jean Lee of KAIST Business School, Eduardo Andrade of the FGV School of Administration and Stephen E. Palmer from the University of California at Berkeley.

Source: Journal of Consumer Research. Photo source: bp.blogspot.com.

New research finds people have difficultly creating a post-breakup social media strategy.

Presented at the CHI 2013 conference in Paris, the research was led by University of California psychology professor Steve Whittaker and University of Lancaster professor Corina Sas.

Interviews were conducted with 24 participants aged 19 to 34 who self-identified as active users of multiple technologies for both work and leisure.

Half of the 24 respondents indicated they would delete old photos of exes following a split. Of the remaining 12, eight said they would keep all digital photos afterward.

The final four indicated only holding onto “treasured” items from the relationship.

“Social media users have difficultly

creating a post-breakup strategy.”

“I think that we were just surprised by the amount of digital content relating the relationships, in addition to Facebook,” Whittaker said. “You have stuff that relates to that person all over your digital devices.”

The report recommends people create a “Pandora’s Box” to hold all digital possessions until such time as they no longer cause pain or sadness.

Whittaker said Facebook can be an especially difficult experience as users watch a former partner move ahead without them.

He said he plans to expand his research to explore how divorce or differing cultures impact online behaviors. Social media is presenting a unique set of circumstances to separating couples, often dividing online friendships like a record collection.

“You can unfriend your ex, but also you have to make a decision about how much of their social network you want to rip out,” Whittaker said. “The problem is that they might be your friends, too. Then you transform your social network in a major way.”

Source: The University of California at Santa Cruz. Photo source: salon.com.