I’m dating a man who is 11 years older than me. I’m 23. We have been dealing with each other for a year and six months, and he claims I’m the only girl he’s dealing with.

He doesn’t want a relationship because he’s trying to build a foundation and get life situated.

Recently I found out about a girl through a social network. He claims she’s an old girl he used to mess with. She comments on his pictures (calling him baby).

What should I do?

-Jazmin (New York)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Jazmin,

May I respectfully ask what “dealing with” means? Because if it means what I think it means, that you are dealing with his genitalia here, then I am sorry to inform you that you have lost this particular game.

Men don’t fall in love through sex. They can have sex with the same woman for months or years and not like her one bit better than they did on the first night.

Women, on the other hand, tend to bond through sex because their bodies blossom with the bonding hormone oxytocin during sex.

This guy has been very honest with you. He’s not ready. And when he does finally get his life “situated,” my suspicion is he’ll also feel ready for a challenging women who has her own life “situated.”

When he reaches whatever financial place he wants to be in, let me assure you it is highly likely he will trade up on his relationship, too.

My advice: Bolt now. Go find a man who gives you the love you deserve BEFORE you two start “dealing with each other.”

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

No matter what you’re looking for, our 10 Best Adultery Dating Sites have what it takes to find you the affair you’ve always wanted.

Ashley Madisonashleymadison.com

Bragging Rights: The pioneer of adultery sites

AshleyMadison.com is known as “the most successful website for those looking for cheating partners.” Founded in 2002, the site offers a positive and unique perspective on affairs and gives users the opportunity to join the fun. With more than 11 million  users in more than 15 countries, AshleyMadison has paved the way for people looking for something on the side.

Social Clout: 14,649+ likes, 5,308+ followers

URL: https://www.ashleymadison.com/

Sweet Discreetsweetdiscreet.com

Bragging Rights: Secret dating at its best

It doesn’t matter if you’re a lonely housewife, an unsatisfied married couple or a cheating husband, SweetDiscreet.com has it all. This casual site is the place to be if you’re looking for someone in a relationship or you’re in a relationship that needs a little spicing up. Once you get started, you can send your discreet matches a cute flirt to break the ice or an email to get the sexy conversation going.

Social Clout: 54,480+ unique visitors/month

URL: http://www.sweetdiscreet.com/

The Affair Sitetheaffairsite.com

Bragging Rights: Getting the spark back

The Affair Site, whose founder started the project after being cheated on by his wife, is a fun and naughty online destination for people looking to find the excitement that might be lacking in their current relationship. Whether it’s an illicit, extramarital, married or secret affair, the site makes it easier and safer to start the fling you want. As the site says, “Sometimes people just need to do what feels good.”

URL: http://www.theaffairsite.com/

Dating in Secretdatinginsecret.com

Bragging Rights: “We won’t tell a soul”

Dating in Secret is the U.K.’s leading network for adults looking for uncomplicated fun. If you’re looking for friends, romance or just someone to talk to, the site is sure to keep your secret safe. Dating in Secret is quick and easy to use for singles and couples alike, which means you’ll be having some adult fun in no time.

URL: http://www.datinginsecret.com/

Affair Lookaffairlook.com

Bragging Rights: More than a cheating site

With more than 40 million members worldwide, Affairlook.com is the go-to site if you’re looking to make your sex life more exciting. The site offers great tools like married chats and two-way webcams for all your affair needs. Get your adrenaline going by sharing your deepest fantasies. Don’t worry – no one has to know.

URL: http://affairlook.com/

Undercover Loversundercoverlovers.com

Bragging Rights: For women run by women

Touted as “the world’s number one discreet extramarital dating service,” UndercoverLovers.com is a site with women in mind and the men who want to meet them. Established in 2008, UndercoverLovers has a nonjudgmental, pressure-free environment that allows people to comfortably seek the romance and excitement they’re looking for, whether it’s a flirtatious chat, dinner date or full-on affair.

URL: http://www.undercoverlovers.com/

Married Secretsmarriedsecrets.com

Bragging Rights: Recapture those butterflies

MarriedSecrets.com wants to help you recapture the butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling that comes when you begin dating someone. A specialty site that takes a no-excuses approach to affairs, MarriedSecrets doesn’t want you to remain bored, lonely or unappreciated anymore. So what are you waiting for? Start meeting like-minded people in your area today!

Social Clout: 236+ likes, 200+ followers

URL: http://marriedsecrets.com/

Find New Passionfindnewpassion.com

Bragging Rights: Married dating with sophistication

Do you want to feel alive again? Well look no further than FindNewPassion.com, a multifaceted site that offers more than just hookups for “desperate housewives.” Created specifically with all types of married women in mind, the site is a high-class service that brings people with the same goals together.

URL: http://www.findnewpassion.com/

Very Naughty Married Datingverynaughtymarrieddating.co.uk

Bragging Rights: Fulfilling the missing aspect of marriage

If your partner “has a headache” too much, there’s no longer a need to go without the sexual and physical ingredient that may be missing in your marriage. That’s where MarriedDating steps in. Whether you’re looking for sex, someone to flirt with or a sexy activity to fill the time, this site is perfect for both singles and married adults.

URL: http://www.verynaughtymarrieddating.co.uk/

Marital Affairmaritalaffair.co.uk

Bragging Rights: Cutting-edge technology

Founded in 2006, MaritalAffair is a quality adultery site that is for fun-loving adults looking for a secret partner. With new expansions to include American, Austrailia, Ireland and South Africa, MaritalAffair is a reliable site that gives its 600,000 members the sexiest experiences they could hope for with hardly any effort.

Social Clout: 326+ followers

URL: http://www.maritalaffair.co.uk/

Featured photo source: sellyourstoryuk.com.

The study found people in committed relationships who view porn are more likely to cheat than those who don’t.

Researchers looked at porn use among participants and then touched base with those participants 12 weeks later to see if they had cheated during that time.

“Researchers found participants who

regularly used porn were more likely to cheat.”

Researchers found a correlation between porn and cheating, even after controlling for previous cheating experiences, sociosexuality, relationship length, baseline relationship satisfaction, social desirability and gender and race.

The study’s authors speculate the connection comes from porn’s depiction of abundant no-strings-attached sex with a never-ending series of highly attractive partners, a point supported by the study’s findings that men who are exposed to porn report they believe they have “higher quality romantic alternatives.”

Source: Sagepub.com. Photo source: whyfiles.org.

We live 180 “Chicago” miles away from each other. We’ve been seeing each other for seven years. We were supposed to get married, but then I lost my job and had to move to Chicago to work.

I have a gut feeling she is with someone else. She is divorced, but my sisters tell me she is still married. I looked on a website that tells you the end date of a divorce. Mine has it but hers does not.

Do you think my gut feelings are true?

-John (Illinois)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear John,

Really? You’ve invested seven years in someone you aren’t even sure is single? And now you don’t trust her?

I’m wondering what you guys do talk about. Perhaps just the schedule and the weather?

Well, my dear John, there are some big topics you clearly haven’t been talking about and I suggest you bring them up. That’s a sure way to confirm your gut feeling.

But the real question you are asking me is this: How do I keep her with the distance and the money problems? Am I losing her to another guy?

Remember, relationships are supposed to be an exchange of care. Is that exchange happening? And why the fear of commitment? Which one of you doesn’t want to get married?

If you can honestly answer these questions, you’ll know what your gut is telling you.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

Her mother and sister call her naive and her friends have told her their concerns.

It seems everyone around Jennifer thinks she’s making a big mistake. They’re worried she’ll get hurt again.

She has the same worry.

Even though Jennifer’s family and friends caution her about trusting her boyfriend too easily, it does seem like he’s trying to change.

He’s told her he’s sorry over and over again. He texts and emails with her throughout the day. He lets her know what he’s doing and who he’s spending time with when they’re not together.

Jennifer appreciates her boyfriend’s efforts, but there is still nagging doubt. She is afraid this is all temporary and, at some point when she least expects it, he’ll cheat again.

Stay awake and aware.

If you are with a partner who lied or cheated in the past, it’s important to stay awake and aware.

We do NOT advise you to make it your goal to catch your mate in a lie, but we do recommend you pay close attention.

Pay attention to what your partner says and does. Notice how open or how closed down and distant he is with you.

This is a time to really focus in on the reliable proof you have — proof you’re being told the truth or proof something is not adding up.

Reteach yourself how (and when) to trust.

Rebuilding trust after an affair can take time.

You probably aren’t going to wake up one day and all of your hesitation will magically be gone. It rarely happens this way.

Instead, you’re going to need to reteach yourself how to trust.

You’re going to want to be wise about this and, as we said, stay awake and aware of observable information you have about your partner and your relationship.

Make sure you are giving your mate credit when he does do something that is trustworthy.

Too often the betrayal of the past is held onto and it overshadows what’s going on now, which might actually be hopeful and positive.

Don’t cling to your anger and resentment about your partner’s cheating. Take the time to process your emotions and let them go.

Keep reminding yourself of what your partner is doing right now and how he has possibly changed recently.

Ultimately, we advise you to be wise. There is no guarantee your partner will not betray you again (or that he will).

But you can watch your partner and listen to your own inner wisdom. Make the decision about whether or not to trust based on what you observe.

“When you experience a renewed sense

of openness, it’s wise to trust again.”

Three signs it’s wise to trust again:

1. Your partner’s words match his actions.

It’s true actions speak louder than words.

It can be comforting to hear your partner say “I’m sorry” for the affair, but it is truly healing to see consistent actions that show your partner is making amends.

When you see your partner is keeping promises and agreements the two of you made, this is significant.

If there seem to be inconsistencies between your partner’s words and actions, look a little deeper before making an accusation.

Because of the past cheating, your suspicions might come up more quickly. Ask yourself if it is possible there are other valid reasons why your partner didn’t keep his word.

2. Your partner is honest when it’s difficult.

Keep in mind sometimes inconsistencies don’t mean your partner is having another affair.

If your relationship has been strained, your partner might lie as a way to avoid jealousy, a fight or looking guilty (when actually innocent).

It can get tricky to know what’s true, so try not to jump to conclusions.

This is why it is a really big deal when your partner IS honest and upfront with you about a difficult topic.

When your partner admits he did get a text from his ex or he did run into that girl from work who flirts with him, give credit for the honesty.

The temptation might be to hide something that could seem suspicious, but your partner chose to tell you about it instead. Keep your cool and acknowledge this.

Again, look at the verifiable facts and ask yourself whether or not what you’re being told makes logical sense.

3. There is a new openness.

Remember, when your partner is honest about conflicting or painful emotions or opinions that are different from your own, this is another demonstration of trust.

In so many cases of infidelity, there was a distance between the two people before the cheating occurred.

While it was your partner’s decision to cheat, you may have played a role in this distance forming.

When you experience a new or renewed sense of openness in your relationship, this is another sign it’s wise to trust again.

The openness might relate to practical matters — like your partner being transparent about actions and people he has been spending time with.

There also could be an emotional openness.

Your partner might do some soul searching about why he cheated in the first place and share that discovery with you. He could confide in you about some deep feelings you didn’t know about before.

This sense of openness is a gift you can also give in return, as you are ready.

Ladies, when do you know it’s safe to trust again?

Photo source: bp.blogspot.com.

Conducted by Northwestern University and Redeemer University College in Ontario, the study found individuals with a lot of trust in their partner felt better about past transgressions as time passed, while individuals with little trust in their partner felt worse.

“Individuals with a lot of trust in their partner

felt better about past transgressions.”

Researchers had a group of college students, with an average age of 18, report on their relationship every two weeks for six months, noting when their partner did something to upset them.

Students then rated on a scale of one to seven how strong the transgression was, how they forgave their partner and how their partner made amends.

While the study focused on college students, researchers noted these results would repeat themselves among adults as well, especially once they controlled for other personality traits and found trust was the primary factor correlating with forgiveness.

“The tension between self-protection and relationship promotion exists throughout the time course of a close relationship,” said psychology professor Eli J. Finkel. “Given that trust varies among both older and younger people, it seems likely that high levels of trust should foster relationship-promoting memory distortions in a broad range of people.”

Source: LiveScience.com. Photo source: tcm.ie.

This is a common issue, and it’s something I’ve encountered in my own dating past.

The world is full of cheaters – unfaithful men are found the world over – but don’t tar every man with the same brush. There are still some excellent guys around, and I’m sure you are one of them.

So, how do you tell if the guy you been chatting to, or been chatted up by, is married or partnered?

It’s not so easy to identify this by merely looking at the ring finger for that band of commitment (or the tan line where it’s been speedily removed).

Clues to identify if you are dating an attached man.

One is to state the obvious and ask, “Are you with anyone?” This is a straightforward question to ask and should save a lot of heartache.

If he is and he responds in the negative, you may pick up on the telling pause before he replies.

However, if he is an experienced cheater, then he’ll easily lie – remind yourself of this when you find out you were dating a player and a liar!

If he is with someone else, then I strongly advise you to dump the loser.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking it’ll be different with you. If he has been unfaithful once, he’ll do it again. That next person could be you.

The top five ways of identifying a cheater are:

1. He only calls you when he’s at work or on the move.

When you want to wish him goodnight or have a chat in the evening, he’ll be unavailable with a variety of excuses.

You will possibly be fobbed off by a quick text or email saying he’s tied up with something.

Sorry but one-minute “Hi, how are you?” conversation takes less time than typing out a text or email! Does he answer his phone when you call, or does it always go to voice mail?

“If he’s doing it to his current partner,

then he has the ability to do it to you.”

2. He won’t introduce you.

He won’t introduce you to any of his friends, work colleagues or family members.

Fair enough for the first few dates, but after a while, a casual drink out with mutual friends is normal dating progression for a new couple.

3. You won’t know where he lives or won’t be invited around.

He’ll use various excuses, such as the place is messy or a distant relative is staying. This can only put off a home visit for so long.

4. He never stays the night.

If you get to the stage of sleeping together, he’ll never stay the night.

Waking up to an empty bed is not a good foundation for a relationship, and it will leave you feeling like a booty call (which, let’s face it, you may well be).

5. He only plans dates spur of the moment.

When you suggest something spontaneous, he’ll be unavailable.

If you do fall into a cheaters trap, my advice is to end the relationship immediately. If you have concerns and he hasn’t admitted he’s in a relationship, act on those concerns.

Do not delude yourself by thinking it’s going to be different with you.

If a relationship is on the rocks, having an affair with you is not going to do anything to fix it for him.

As I mentioned at the start, if he’s doing it to his current partner, then he has the ability to do it to you.

Have you dated a cheater? If so, how did you handle it?

Photo source: news.com.au.

So what’s going on? Have we become a generation of people who can’t keep a promise? Well, sort of.

In fact, two major cultural trends are contributing to the apparent increase in marital infidelity: The rise of sexual opportunity and the decline of sexual restraint.

Let’s take each of these trends apart.

Sexual opportunity involves two important factors:

1. An increase in exposure to possible sexual partners and a willingness of those partners to participate in infidelity.

2. Technology can certainly be credited for an explosion of contact with strangers.

Our hunter/gatherer instincts make us sit up and take notice when a human outside of our gene pool enters our eyeline, but that instinct evolved when novel pheromones were few and far between.

Today, we are exposed to thousands of sexual opportunities every day on Facebook, Twitter, crowded subways, Starbucks lines and on actual dating websites.

As for a willingness of partners to participate in an illicit sexual encounter, technology has a piece of the puzzle there, too.

“Modern cheaters have easy tools — cell phones with

locks and private messages on Facebook and Twitter.”

Participants weigh the risks against the convenience.

And cheating has certainly become convenient.

Today, every married person can be contacted directly — no need to hang up after two signal rings on the family phone.

Modern cheaters have easy tools — cell phones with locks and private messages on Facebook and Twitter.

Any spouse can literally lead a double life due to technology. And this low risk of getting caught makes partners participatory.

Let’s look at the decline of sexual restraint.

We are living in a high-supply sexual economy as a byproduct of the sudden rise in female economic power.

Think of it this way:

When a woman is disadvantaged in a culture, she is more likely to withhold sex until a provider signs on the bottom line and supports her and her children.

It’s an economic contract called marriage.

Disadvantaged women are also more likely to enforce the sexual double standard, thereby coercing other women to deprive men of sex so it will increase the number of men willing to marry. (Yes, one of the reasons many men marry is to have consistent sex.)

But when women rise in economic power, they no longer need a male provider, so they enjoy the pleasures of their body and put sex out in the economy in high supply.

Thus, we have a decrease in sexual restraint among single women who may have affairs with cheaters.

But what about the married partner?

Why has sexual restraint gone down among married people?

Some researchers speculate the decline of religion with inherent moral teachings is a factor, and they also blame our highly sexualized media.

Sexy television, films and online pornography arouse married people and give them the impression everyone is having lots of sex, something that may not be the case in long-term monogamy.

This makes them feel they are missing out.

It is the collision of these two trends, increased sexual opportunity and decreased sexual restraint, that results in a rise in infidelity.

Why do you think infidelity is increasing?

Photo source: menshealth.com.

I met my ex-boyfriend while living abroad and, according to him, it was love at first sight. Everything went wrong when we moved in with his parents. We would constantly fight, we became insanely jealous, we’d even get physical.

On Christmas he decided to go on a trip with his friend. He met another guy who he had sex with. He accepted he cheated on me, but that wasn’t the reason he didn’t want to be with me anymore.

I went back and confronted him and it was not the person I knew anymore who I saw. It was a hateful and resentful guy who wanted nothing to do with me. I would like to be able to have a conversation with him again. I just want to be able to be in peace and somehow let him know I loved him with everything in me.

What should I do?

-German (California)

Brian Rzepczynski’s Answer:

Dear German,

Thank you for writing, and it sounds to me like you’re still in the throes of grieving your breakup.

In an ideal scenario, both amicable partners would sit down and discuss their relationship by reviewing their strengths and weaknesses and processing their feelings about what went wrong.

The hurt you are feeling for the loss of your relationship is very real, and you will need time to work through these emotions.

That being said, I am glad to hear you are now safe. Physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable. This is not love, and it is the ultimate sign of disrespect and invalidation of your significance as a person.

While your desire to reach out to your ex is understandable with the loose ends you’re feeling, I would advise against placing yourself in such a position.

It may be helpful for you to work with a therapist to help you with the grieving process you’re in and to help you better understand your participation in the dynamics you had with your ex so they don’t repeat in your next involvement.

I might also recommend the “letter-writing” strategy for working through your feelings of grief. Here, you would write your ex a letter detailing everything you would like to have said to him in person.

DO NOT SEND THE LETTER. This is for your own therapeutic benefit only and is intended to give you a sense of personal closure.

Then destroy the letter through some type of commemoration ritual.

During those challenging times when your mind begins to wander back to thoughts of him, remember to retrieve all those reasons why it’s best you are no longer together anymore to help you through those rough patches.

I wish you all the best with this process, my friend. Take good care and remember you deserve to be with someone who respects you!

Best,

Dr. Brian

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.