Conducted by researchers from the University of Auckland, the study found individuals experiencing depression have a more distorted view of their partner’s level of commitment to the relationship.

The New Zealand-based study consisted of 78 heterosexual couples who recorded their feelings about their own commitment to the relationship as well as what they imagined their partner’s to be.

Researchers also assessed how often each partner experienced depressive symptoms and tracked the responses over the course of three weeks.

The results showed more depressed participants both underestimated their partner’s devotion and overestimated their own negative behavior as viewed by the partner.

“Depressed participants

underestimated their partner’s devotion.”

According to the research, this distorted view can prove problematic in a relationship, as a person’s level of security and satisfaction is directly impacted by their partner’s sense of contentedness.

Study authors said couples can combat this pattern by maintaining a clear awareness of the shared and mutual commitment in mind and not reacting too quickly in times of doubt.

“Making quick decisions and taking actions without considering them carefully can fuel negative thinking and false beliefs, undermining your ability to use reason,” said psychologist Joseph Cilona.

Seeking an objective viewpoint from a trusted friend and maintaining a regular sleeping schedule might also offer perspective.

Cilona strongly encourages couples to try “mirroring,” essentially repeating back exactly what a partner has said before responding to it. This can offer a great clarifying benefit to important conversation.

“This not only dramatically improves the accuracy and quality of communication, but it also creates a strong sense of being heard and understood in each person,” he said.

Source: The University of Auckland. Photo source: candornews.wordpress.com.

The study found 9 percent of British adults voluntarily live separately from their partner, some for personal space issues and others due to the complexities of modern relationships.

Known as “Living Apart Together,” or LAT, the trend was studied by Birkbeck at the University of London, the University of Bradford and the National Center for Social Research.

Research showed the majority of LATs are under 35 but around 11 percent were over 55.

Nearly two-thirds of LATs live less than 10 miles apart from their partner and 86 percent reported seeing their significant other on a daily basis.

According to the study, about one in 10 LATs live apart due their jobs.

“Nowadays, very few people settle into a life-long relationship in their early 20s,” said Professor Sasha Roseneil, of Birkbeck’s Psychosocial Studies Department. “People have complex relationship histories, and they often carry with them the emotional legacies of divorce and separation.”

“Nine percent of British adults

live separately from their partner.”

Roseneil said nearly one-third of adults were not yet ready to cohabitate with their partner, although many report hoping to do so at some point down the road.

One-third reported the emotional buffer as a factor, allowing for both greater individual freedom and less risk of a painful break. Children, family commitments and work responsibilities were also listed as contributing factors.

The final third of LATs consists of respondents unable to live together due to outside circumstances, ranging from working in different areas to being unable to afford the transition.

“As a bloke, it’s quite a good situation,” one male respondent said. “I can do what I want and have the best of both worlds.”

Roseneil points out that findings should not undercut the level of commitment often displayed in these short-distance relationships.

“Most people in LAT relationships have a strong sense that they are a couple,” she said. “Many are in long-term relationships to which they are deeply committed.”

Source: Birbeck at the University of London. Photo source: dailymail.co.uk.

According to a new study, the lower a woman’s self-esteem, the harder she will work to keep her man.

Conducted by the University of Huddersfield in the U.K., the study found when a woman felt she was less desirable than her partner, she reported greater personal investment in maintaining her relationship.

By contrast, when a woman felt she was more attractive than her partner, she invested less in improving her relationship.

“When a woman felt less desirable, she reported

greater investment in her relationship.”

The study consisted of 192 women who were between the ages of 18 and 60. The participants rated their own desirability, their partner’s desirability and how much they worked on improving their relationship.

Dr. Chris Bale said if a woman thinks her partner is very desirable to other people, this may affect how much time and energy she puts into the relationship. He added further research would need to be conducted to see if similar patterns emerge among men.

“These results represent women who feel that they have fewer desirable qualities than their partners attempting to make up for this imbalance by investing more time, effort and economic resources in their relationships.”

Source: The University of Huddersfield via IndianExpress.com. Photo source: bernheimdolinsky.com.

The very thought of him just needing us so much that he would be broken, a fraction of the man he is now if we weren’t in his life, just makes our hearts melt.

But reality is far from what is portrayed in the movies, and the romance movie genre is one of the worst offenders.

Think about it:

Do you really want to be dating only part of a person? Someone who has not yet matured completely? Someone who is so needy of your attention and affection that they latch onto you and just won’t let go?

The word clinger comes to mind. When you think about it this way, it becomes obvious — of course you don’t want that kind of man.

Well, the truth is guys don’t want that either.

Men want a woman who knows who she is and what she wants in life and is confident in herself and her abilities. They want a complete woman.

“When you bring your complete self to the relationship,

you’re able to recognize if you’re compatible.”

Being complete doesn’t mean you have to be perfect.

We all have our faults, but being complete means you understand these faults and know they are yours and yours alone.

They’re not caused by your partner and you are the only person that can change these traits.

It also doesn’t mean your partner or the relationship has to be perfect.

If you can separate your own complete self from the relationship and your partner, you’ll be able to love him for all that he is, his complete self.

This kind of support will naturally bring out the best in him and in you.

Then your love for each other will naturally grow as you do what makes for a truly great, long-lasting relationship — complement each other.

Make yourself complete first.

So instead of looking for someone to complete, and for someone to complete you, be complete in and of yourself first.

When you bring your complete self to the relationship, instead of having the relationship or your partner define who you are, then you’re able to really recognize if you’re compatible with the person you’re with.

When you bring your complete self to a relationship with someone who is also bringing their complete self, you can then use the much more appropriate phrase, “You complement me.”

While that phrase surely won’t sell as many movie tickets, it’s a much better route to a real-life happy ending.

Ladies, what do you think of the, “You complete me,” phrase?

Photo source: deviantart.net.

When you paired up back in high school and college, you referred to each other as your “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” to your family and friends.

But now that you’re a midlife single segueing into an exclusive romantic relationship, are you sure you want to call someone over 50 years old “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”? Doesn’t it sound too diminutive?

A man over 50 is not a boy.

Women over 50 might still refer to themselves in girlish terms such as, “I like to dress girly,” and they might feel OK being referred to as your “girl.” So that is one possibility for the boomer men.

However, many men of the baby boomer generation were raised to cultivate gentlemanly behavior and mores.

So a senior man is more likely to refer to the woman he has partitioned out from the crowd of singles and asked for exclusivity as his “lady.”

“Many men of the baby boomer generation were

raised to cultivate gentlemanly behavior.”

Quite often that is the term he will use to denote her when he is talking with colleagues about his social plans for the weekend:

“I’m taking my lady out for dinner Friday night. Then we’re just going to chill over the weekend. She’s so relaxing to be with. I can just be myself with her.”

And his co-workers will think this sure is one marvelous woman indeed!

 A pet name the ladies can use.

Ladies, on the same wavelength of using mature terminology, permit me to suggest a phrase you can use with him when talking to your girlfriends.

Sure, former Gov. Sarah Palin referred to her beloved husband as “my guy” before all of America and the world, evoking memories of the Mary Wells song.

However, a senior woman might prefer to reference her guy as “my man” because he is a man. She should appreciate that maturity and masculinity about him!

What’s your favorite name to refer to your mature mate?

Photo source: kingswindowcleaning.wordpress.com.

The study, which was published in Mass Communication and Society, found the more an individual believes TV portrayals of romance, the less likely they were to be committed to their relationships.

Researchers recruited more than 390 married couples and asked them how satisfied they felt with their current relationship, what they expected from their relationship, how committed they felt to their relationship, how often they watched TV and how they responded to the shows they watched.

“The more an individual believes TV romances, the

less likely they are to commit to relationships.”

“In this study, I found that people who believe the unrealistic portrayals on TV are actually less committed to their spouses and think their alternatives to their spouse are relatively attractive,” said study author Dr. Jeremy Osborn.

For those readers who may invest themselves a little too much in their favorite scripted TV romances, Dr. Osborn offers a suggestion:

“My hope would be that people would read this article and take a look at their own relationships and the relationships of those around them,” he said. “How realistic are your expectations for your partner and where did those expectations come from?”

Source: Albion.edu. Photo source: therapynathan.wordpress.com.

This guy and I have been talking for about three years. We have never been in a relationship but have been intimate on several occasions.

I recently wanted to pursue a relationship. He got mad at me and told me he’s not ready. He stopped talking to me for three weeks. I told him as long as our friendship can last, a relationship is not important.

Do you think he will ever change? Should I wait around for him?

-Shakia (Massachusetts)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Shakia,

He will not change if you stay the same. All his needs are being met here. He has no reason to enter a romantic relationship if he can get all the benefits without having to commit.

He even tested you by cutting off communication for three weeks. And you came running back to maintain the old, unfulfilling friendship.

My advice: Tell him clearly when he’s ready to have a real, committed, romantic relationship, he should call you, but until then, you are unavailable.

Then don’t get weak and let him suck you back into the old system. No texting. No calling. No Facebook stalking.

My hunch is this is not the guy for you, but this friendship is somehow keeping you from meeting a really great guy.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

They say it through their actions. They say it when they kiss you good night. They say it with a soulful hug when you feel like your world is coming apart.

They say it when they listen to you with no interruptions, and they say it when they give up the need to be right. They say it when they bring you flowers for no reason at all.

Recently I received the following email from a woman who had to know if her man really loved her or not:

“Jonathon, what would you say about a man that can’t seem to speak of anything emotional? We go out on dates, he’s very attentive, opens the car door for me, cooks for me.

I see him three times over the weekend. Sex is off the charts. We’ve been dating a year now, but not once has he told me he thinks I’m pretty or he likes me. He will make roundabout comments to see if we are only dating each other, but I’m stumped here.

~Elaine”

Actions are equally important.

First off, I hear you Elaine. Yes, words are very important, but it’s equally important to watch a man’s actions.

This is clearly a man who uses actions instead of words to convey his feelings: the sex is off the charts, he opens the door for her, cooks for her, is thrilled to see her three times a week.

It all talks about how much this man is very much into this woman.

He may struggle a bit with the words, but maybe he’s just not much of a wordsmith. Not everyone can be.

That is why he is so attentive to her and why he listens to her.

“If you keep yourself open to different ways to express

love, then you will have a wonderful relationship.”

What he does.

Many times readers and listeners send me their stories of men who have settled in the relationship. They ask why their man doesn’t show more commitment, or they wonder where the relationship is going.

But if you pay enough attention to what your man is doing, as much as what he is saying, you will find your answers.

If your man is doing the same things Elaine’s boyfriend is doing, then your relationship is probably doing great.

The reason why we call it making love is because we must do right action that demonstrates our love and respect.

I think the only minor hitch is their love languages are slightly incongruent, but this is easily correctable.

Different love languages.

All you need to do is realize, accept and be open to the fact everyone’s love language is different.

Some like words of affirmation, but others choose to express themselves through quality time and acts of service.

Some like to bring you flowers for no reason, while others will tell you to quickly pack a bag and the two of you will head off to wine country for the weekend.

Some will simply ask how your day was and just listen to you very carefully when you tell him about angry clients and demanding bosses.

Afterward, they will massage the steel knots out of your shoulders and then give you a soulful hug and tell you everything’s going to be all right.

All of these different things say the same thing.

Just because your man or woman doesn’t express him or herself the same way you do, it doesn’t mean they’re not expressing their devotion to you at all.

Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, there are five universal and comprehensive love languages.

They are: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch.

Some may be more proficient in one or two or three languages and slightly deficient in the others, but this is OK because a good man will make an effort regardless.

Guys may not say those three little words, but they show it. More men are learning how to show it.

If you can keep yourself open to the many different ways to express love, and if you can concentrate on how every action your man makes you feel incredible, then you and your chosen will have a wonderful relationship together.

How does your boyfriend or husband show he loves you?

Photo source: androlib.com.

The good news is there are sure signs of a guy who’s ready to commit, and it’s not to hard to decipher him from a bunch of other dudes lookin’ to get the milk for free.

Here are 10 signs you should keep him on your radar if you’re interested in a long-term relationship:

1. His parents are still married.

This means he has a good example of what a committed relationship looks like. And it’s likely his parents’ marriage has taught him to value commitment.

2. He’s older than 27.

The average age of a first marriage for a guy is 27. Usually guys approaching 30 are sick of hooking up and are finally ready to settle down.

This isn’t always true, but his brain has finally matured by this point. It’s almost a sure bet he’s mature enough to commit.

3. His peer group is getting married.

He doesn’t want to be the only single one while his friends have significant others.

If his friends are all still single, chances are he’s not going to change his lifestyle and be the black sheep.

4. He’s college educated.

Research shows educated people are more likely to marry and less likely to divorce.

“He doesn’t see you for a long-term relationship if

he doesn’t acknowledge you’re his girlfriend.”

5. He’s religious.

Religion tends to increase an individual’s values in marriage and having a family.

These guys are more likely to settle down and stay in it for the long haul than those who aren’t religious.

6. He lives in a so-called red state (politically conservative).

Conservatives are usually the quickest to marry when comparing reds and blues. They tend to value marriage and family before education and career.

7. He has a secure job.

A secure job means he can provide and protect, whether it be a girlfriend, a wife or a family.

A secure job usually indicates this guy has got it together and is reliable and responsible.

8. He has had at least one long-term girlfriend.

By long-term girlfriend, I mean more than one year.

It should be a red flag if your potential partner is in his mid-20s and hasn’t been able to settle down for more than one year.

The more short-term partners he’s had, the harder it will be for him to stay committed.

Previous relationships have a huge influence on future relationships, so if he couldn’t commit in the past, probably not much has changed.

9. He has a good relationship with his mother.

But make sure the relationship isn’t too close.

If he treats his mother with respect and values their relationship, he probably respects women in general and looks for the same characteristics in a future wife that he sees in his mother.

Yes, men date women like their mothers, so if you don’t like his mother, you probably won’t be sticking around too long.

But watch out for a man who is too close to his mother. Mama’s boys can have a hard time letting go of Mom and fully committing to a girlfriend.

10. He refers to you as his girlfriend.

You should be his “girlfriend” rather than “the girl I’m dating right now.”

He clearly doesn’t see you as potential for a long-term relationship if he doesn’t acknowledge you’re his girlfriend. Run while you can!

Ladies, what signs do you see in the man you’re dating that signal he is commitment oriented?

Photo source: sheknows.com.

The study found people in committed relationships who view porn are more likely to cheat than those who don’t.

Researchers looked at porn use among participants and then touched base with those participants 12 weeks later to see if they had cheated during that time.

“Researchers found participants who

regularly used porn were more likely to cheat.”

Researchers found a correlation between porn and cheating, even after controlling for previous cheating experiences, sociosexuality, relationship length, baseline relationship satisfaction, social desirability and gender and race.

The study’s authors speculate the connection comes from porn’s depiction of abundant no-strings-attached sex with a never-ending series of highly attractive partners, a point supported by the study’s findings that men who are exposed to porn report they believe they have “higher quality romantic alternatives.”

Source: Sagepub.com. Photo source: whyfiles.org.