Seriously, let’s do a breakdown of historical chivalry and how men are misguided in modern chivalry.

According to Wikipedia:

“Chivalry is only a name for that general spirit or state of mind which disposes men to heroic actions. They submit to knightly virtues, honor, courtly love, courtesy and less martial aspects of the tradition. Knights were required to tell the truth at all times and always respect the honor of women.”

Was anyone else blown away that we use the word chivalry like it has any relation to the above?

Since when is pulling out a chair or opening a door heroic or honorable? Does it protect a woman or some bystander in some way?

I’m not a raging, angry feminist thinking guys that do this are ridiculous.

I genuinely think a woman should respect a man’s effort to be nice to her, but I’m tired of hearing about it in online dating profiles like it’s some kind of dating merit badge.

It’s not that impressive! You SHOULD treat your dates nice. This isn’t anything to brag about. You didn’t lift a car off a body or jump in front of a train.

“If you want to claim that chivalry badge,

you need to do more than open a door.”

There’s a Chris Rock joke I’ll botch, but basically it makes fun of guys that get all cocky and say, “I take care of my kids.”

And Chris Rock is like, “Yeah, you’re supposed to! You had kids. They need to be taken care of. That’s not anything special you’re doing!”

That’s how I feel about these guys that tout their chivalry in their online dating profile.

When’s the last time you took off your jacket and laid it out over a puddle? Did men actually do this?

I guess I am sad modern chivalry has become synonymous with opening a door and that it distinguishes guys as good guys.

As an American woman living in the UAE, Jessica feels American men are grossly lacking in the chivalry department compared to her dates abroad.

“Most of my dates bring me presents before every date and have flowers hand-delivered after every date,” she said. “Also, a lot of men here will get up and walk you to the bathroom and wait for you so you don’t have to walk through the bar/restaurant/hotel alone.”

While I prefer not to have anyone waiting outside the bathroom for me, I do have some rules for Western men.

Rules of chivalry you can easily follow:

• When you’re talking to a girl, don’t stare at the other chick’s ass that just walked by. Her eyes are on yours, buddy. She can see what you’re looking at.
• You should never, ever, ever let her pay for the first date. No Dutch. If she’s nice enough to offer, you better vehemently refuse and act insulted. Generosity is attractive. Being cheap implies selfishness. When you allow her to pay, you look cheap and selfish.
• You should drive to her. Don’t split the distance.
• You park and walk to the door to pick her up.
• You should plan the date based on what she likes (use Yelp, guys).
• Be consistent. Save turning hot/cold for your morning showers. Do what you say.
• You should walk her to her door and make sure she got home safe. Or text her to make sure she got home safe.
• Open her car door.
• If a woman has to take a cab without you, pay for it.
• Walk on the side of the woman that is closest to the street.
• Help an older woman with anything. Give up your seat.
• Don’t expect anything in “return” for taking her out.
• Don’t flirt with her friends or the staff.
• Order her drink at the bar. Bonus Points: Buy her friend’s drink, too.

None of these things are terribly hard – not nearly as hard as being a medieval knight. And they will make a great impression on your date.

But if you really want to claim that modern-day chivalry merit badge, you need to be doing a lot more than opening a door or pulling out a chair.

Fellas, what does modern chivalry look like to you?

Photo source: avoiceformen.com.

New research led by Dylan Selterman, a psychology lecturer at the University of Maryland, finds our dreams can have a real-world effect on how we behave in relationships.

For instance, a person who dreams of being cheated on may respond differently toward their partner in subsequent days following the dream based on the imagined slight.

The study, which was published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, had participants maintain “dream journals” and keep a record of their activity with their partner for 14 days.

Each participant ranged in ages between 17 and 42 and had been in a romantic relationship for more than six months.

“Our dreams can have a real-world effect

on how we behave in relationships.”

The findings indicate respondents’ recalled dreams of their partners were connected to subsequent interaction in the relationship. These were determined to be independent of other confounding factors, including recent past history and overall relationship security.

“People’s activity changes as a function of the dream they had the night before – specifically within the realm of their close relationships,” Selterman said. “A lot of people don’t pay attention to their dreams and are unaware of the impact they have on their state of mind. Now we have evidence that there is this association.”

Selterman points out our interactions based on dreams are also largely unconscious. He admits the idea for the study came to him after a former girlfriend got upset with him based on his behavior in a dream.

“Because we already know there’s a high correlation between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction, this might be another manifestation of that,” he said. “Sex can be good or bad in a dream in the same way that it can be good or bad in real life.”

Source: The University of Maryland. Photo source: mirror.co.uk.

I was dating this lovely woman. Right from the get-go she told me she has a boyfriend. She let me know she has been in a relationship for seven years.

As I was holding her hands, I noticed the ring. As she was leaving, we could not help but make out for two hours. Our next date was a couple of weeks later and she spent the night (we didn’t do it). The third date I took her on a nice getaway to hot spring resort.

She later asked me, “What if we were to remain friends?” I was appalled but said, “I will always be your friend.” She told me we’re going too fast and I have to be friends with her first.  Since then, I have not seen her aside from texting or talking on the phone.

Do you believe I have any chance with her?

Amir (California)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Amir,

If you’ve been reading my column, you know I don’t mince words. I am trying to think of a gentle way to break your heart, but I just can’t find a way.

OK, let me put it this way: Boy, are you in love!

When you fall for a woman, you fall hard. In fact, you fall so hard (uh oh, here comes my bluntness) that you lose complete self-respect.

Why would you waste your money and your time on an engaged woman who is a liar and a cheat? There. I’ve said it.

Now, as to the answer to your question, do I think you have a chance with her? Yes.

You have a chance to get a big, fat broken heart. You have a chance to get an STD. You have a chance to get assaulted by her fiance. (I hope I was joking on that last one.)

I do promise you this: This is a unique opportunity. It is a unique opportunity for you to say no, for you to demand relationship definition, for you to find the love you deserve.

Never love someone who can’t love you back.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

Take this week, for example.

I read Reese Witherspoon and her agent husband were pulled over by Atlanta police drunk, droopy-eyed and sad.

She got defiant. She was being interrogated by the cops for her husband drinking and driving, and then she threw out the classic celebrity line:

“Do you know who I am?!”

If I was an officer of the law, I would’ve said, “Just a pretty hot, sexy, drunk woman with sad eyes about to get thrown into jail.”

Celebrities are hilarious, but for some reason or another, we’re so infatuated by who they are and what they’re all about.

If you were out getting drunk with your lover and got pulled over to the side of the road, nobody would care.

Celebrities think they’re bigger than the law. It’s OK for them to drive drunk?

Here’s Reese Witherspoon, a mother of three kids, allowing a man to drink and drive.

Is this any kind of person to idolize?

It runs so deep in our society – this adoration of celebrities.

We talk about them. We wonder about their emotional and sexual relationships. We wonder about the way they conduct themselves in everyday life.

But in reality, aren’t they supposed to be better role models for us?

If you’re in the public eye, you should be a good role model. You should actually not drive drunk.

You have all the money in the world to be able to call a private limousine to pick you up and drive you home.

Not only that, you’re the mother of three kids. When you’re the mother of three children, you’re setting a precedent of what you are teaching them.

“When you’re driving around with somebody

you love, don’t let them drink so much.”

Life’s funny sometimes.

We tend to really emulate people we do not know. The same goes for people we date — we trust them way too much, way too early.

When you’re dating somebody and they’re drinking, don’t let them drive because not only can you do harm to yourselves in the car, but you can do harm to so many other people that are on the road.

Innocent people should never be involved in what the self-centered, self-absorbed people do when they drink and drive.

So take this lesson:

When you’re dating somebody or you’re driving around with somebody you love, don’t let them drink so much, or take a cab and leave the car at home because you never know what’s going to happen…

…it’s usually bad.

What do you think of Reese Witherspoon’s arrest? Have you ever experienced drinking problems in your dating life?

Photo source: extratv.com.

I’d rather talk about what you can do if your girlfriend starts acting crazy.

When I say “crazy,” I mean certifiably nuts. I’m not talking about her doing the types of things women normally do that men don’t understand.

Here are a few pointers on how you can deal when your girlfriend starts losing it.

1. Evaluate.

The first thing you need to do is evaluate whether or not she’s actually being crazy.

Is she in a bad mood? Does she act strangely around the time of her period? Does she have a lot on her mind due to work and other stressors?

Don’t jump to conclusions. She might be acting crazy, or she might just be having a bit of a rough time.

Evaluate what’s going on with her before you decide she’s acting crazy.

2. Discuss.

If you look at the situation and decide things are a little off, it’s time to talk to your girlfriend.

See if anything is going on with her you don’t know about. There’s a good chance she’s under some kind of stress that’s making her behave strangely.

She might just need someone to talk to. What better person for that than you?

“Ask her friends if they think she’s

been acting a little weird.”

3. Talk to her friends.

Ask her friends if they think she’s been acting a little weird.

I know a guy whose girlfriend literally had a psychotic break. At first he thought she was just acting a little funny, but after speaking to her friends, they all decided there was more going on than that.

You might be concerned about going behind her back, but if she’s actually acting a bit crazy, you might be doing her a disservice by not talking to the people closest to her.

4. Encourage her to seek help.

You might not be enough in terms of someone to talk to. She might need professional help.

There’s a stigma in our society surrounding mental health that often prevents people from seeking out the care they need to get by.

You can be a great boyfriend by encouraging her to seek the help she needs to get through a difficult period in her life.

5. Offer her support.

If she’s having a hard time of it and is seeking help, that’s great. Now it’s your turn to offer her support to help her get through it.

This can be something very concrete like giving her a ride to her therapist appointments. Or it can be something a little more vague like just being there for her – whatever that might mean.

It also means you need to take care of yourself. Make sure you’re exercising, getting to work on time, taking your vitamins and all that stuff. We’re in no position to support others when we aren’t supporting ourselves.

6. Move on.

No matter how things go, you’re going to have to move on.

She might get the help she needs and start feeling better. She might claim nothing is wrong and act crazier and crazier.

Either way, you need to move on, whether that means letting the past be the past or moving toward the door.

At the end of the day, you need to look out for yourself.

Gents, has your girlfriend ever acted a little crazy? How did you handle it the right way?

Photo source: hollywood.com.

The majority of people create an online dating profile with the goal of retiring it and riding into the sunset together.

Some people get lucky and meet someone they connect with right away. Others can stay on the dating sites for months or even years.

The question you have to ask yourself is: Are you a serious dater, or are you a serial dater?

Let’s talk about the serious dater first.

This is the person who is looking for a meaningful connection and hopes online dating will be the solution to help them meet the right one.

In order to get there, it’s common to date multiple people at a time to find out exactly what you’re looking for. It’s a process and it’s worth devoting the time.

I do recommend singles date more than one person at a time. There’s no need to put all of your eggs in one digital basket with online dating.

Questions I get asked frequently are, “What’s the magic number? How many people should I be dating at once?”

While the answer may vary, typically I believe three is a manageable number. While you’re dating three people at a time, I don’t recommend sleeping with any of them.

There’s no contest to see how many dates you can add to your calendar. More isn’t always better.

It can become confusing and you don’t want to have the embarrassment of forgetting your date’s name or where you went on the past date.

While three makes a lot of sense, that doesn’t mean scheduling four or five dates a week is a bad idea if they are first dates.

Remember, you’re on a dating site. He’s on a dating site. Assume you both are scheduling dates until you have the conversation of becoming exclusive.

“For some, online dating makes them

feel like a kid in a candy store.”

When do you become a serial dater?

Online dating addiction isn’t uncommon.

For some, especially after the end of a long-term relationship or marriage, online dating makes them feel like a kid in a candy store. This often turns into a “shopping cart” mentality for daters who think there might be a prettier face in the next email.

If you feel like retiring your online dating profile is something you can’t live with and not receiving new emails every day from potential suitors or with your latest matches will become depressing to you, I have news for you: More is not better.

Logging on when you get home from an incredible date could send a bad message that you’re looking to fill the rest of your date card.

Unfortunately, it’s so easy to view his profile to see when he last logged on, and it can make you feel anxious or even depressed.

At the end of the digital day, dating can be an enjoyable process of learning more about yourself and others. If you’re looking for a serious relationship, don’t spend your entire time looking for a series of dates.

Readers, how many people have you dated at the same time?

Photo source: squidscene.com.

I’m 46 years old. I’m on online dating sites. I have a few men asking me out at the same time. I’m not sure if I should tell the others.

These men express they are looking for a girlfriend and want a relationship, which is also my goal.

Should I go on dates with different men to see which one pans out?

-Kris (Ohio)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Excellent question, Kris! Remember, dating is supposed to be partner assessment time.

You have no obligation to be exclusive to one person after a date or two, since that isn’t enough time to assess them for their full boyfriend potential.

But you have some moral and health reasons to be exclusive after the onset of sexual activity.

So if you’re not sleeping with any of the men you meet, then you are a free agent.

As for how much to disclose about your dating life, I’m a believer honesty is the best policy. Explain you are dating one or two other people and will be making your selection soon.

As long as you don’t enter a sexual relationship or disclose too much personal information about the other men (which could be construed as a boundary violation), then you are free to happily date whomever you like.

If your dates don’t like this and are pressuring you for too much too soon, then you have some information about their ability to delay gratification.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

These are common questions I see from my dating clients.

In an ideal world, this would be the format:

1. Meet online or in real life.

Feel a connection and arrange more time together to get to know each other more.

2. First date.

Choose something informal for a first date like coffee and a walk around a gallery or exhibition. Cinemas or theater dates aren’t good because you don’t get time to speak to each other.

At the end of the date, go in for a kiss on the cheek and a hug.

3. Second date.

This includes a romantic meal somewhere nice with a more intimate setting and more getting to know each other. End the evening with a more passionate kiss.

4. Third date.

This could be a meal at one of your houses with a few drinks and a nice meal. If you both want, the date could lead to the bedroom, where there will be fireworks and passion.

“I have a little project for you:

Write your own rulebook.”

5. Mixing up dates.

A few weeks down the road, introduce each other to friends and officially become a couple.

6. Introduce each other to the parents.

This is a big step.

7. Discuss moving in.

Sometime between the six- to 12-month stage, you might begin to discuss living together.

8. Think about a civil union or marriage.

Sometime between year two and three, if you are so inclined, look to buy a home together or think about a civil union or marriage.

If we all followed these rules, there would be no need for all those wonderful dating websites and my job as a dating coach would be made obsolete.

I followed the rules up to stage four but then sped things up. My partner and I moved in within three months and were married in less than eight months!

Other people are together for years before they move in together. Some people sleep together on the first date or sometimes before they even know each other’s names!

The dating cycle is different for different people.

If you feel you are being rushed, make sure your date knows what your rules are.

There is nothing wrong with changing, adapting and merging two people’s ideals and outlooks.

Nothing is written in stone. However, the key thing is to communicate your feelings.

In my dating life, when I was playing the field, I always made a joke about the “Third Date Rule.”

I declared before meeting someone that I never slept with a new date before the third date.

This whittled out the guys who only wanted one-night stands and established what sort of guy I was.

Needless to say, I didn’t always stick to the rule, but if I did end up sleeping with them on the first night, they felt important that I’d broken my rule for them!

I have a little project for you: Write your own rulebook.

Don’t feel like you need to email your rulebook to any potential dates, but keeping the principles in your mind will help you with your expectations.

What are you going to write in your personal dating rulebook? I’d love to hear what you have to say!

Photo source: adorkableundies.com.

I was asking her about her experiences so far and she began telling me about the “super creepy” guy that messaged her.

He was a man in his 40s (she’s in her 30s) and his message told her how beautiful she was and how he would love to take her out.

I was a bit perplexed. It wasn’t the kind of message I would have advised my male clients to send her, but it still didn’t warrant her disgust and a label of creepy.

Nor did the age difference concern me. At a certain point, adults reach a maturity and a gap in years becomes less relevant to compatibility.

But she was disgusted by this man who had contacted her through Match.com, and when she could tell I was still confused as to why, she pointed to a little number under his profile picture.

No, that number wasn’t his age.

The little number was the starting age of women he was interested in hearing from.

That little number was of the “barely legal to buy a lotto ticket” variety — 18.

She pointed and yelled, “Look at this! He likes 18-year-old girls! What kind of creep is that?!”

A laugh escaped my lips. Another male was in the room and he and I chimed in unison, “He’s a MAN!”

I’m pretty sure since the dawn of humans men have loved younger women – not always to date or marry but certainly to look at and appreciate.

This is no surprise, and of course this isn’t a rule for all men. I understand.

But having worked enough with men who are online dating, I understand this man’s mindset when he chose that age for his prospective matches:

“Well, if an 18-year-old is willing to date me, I’d certainly be open to seeing if there is a connection.”

He is choosing a number based on the hope it could come true for him. He would not cancel on that opportunity, so why not?

“Choosing an age range doesn’t limit

your search and contact options.”

Think about your audience.

One of the things I advise my clients, man or woman, isn’t to just fill out your dating profile with what you want, but think about your audience and how they interpret what you put into your profile.

Believe it or not, age range is something women often look to for help in determining the quality of the man and his intent.

Believe it or not, men miss out on meeting women within a reasonable deviation of their own age because these women are, like my young divorcee, turned off by their interest in much younger women.

So what’s a man to do?

The advice I give my male clients is to keep their age range reasonable for their age and stage in life.

A 40-year-old man can chose an age of about 25 as the low end of his range.

And he may say to me, “But, Gina, I’m 40 and all my friends are in their 20s, so when people meet me, they think I’m in my low 30s.”

That’s all fine and good, but this is online dating, where every detail is written in black and white and in your face.

You’re still a man in your 40s, 50s, 60s+ and you need to understand how age is perceived in the online medium.

The purpose of selecting a smaller age window is so you don’t alienate the women of the ages who are more likely to actually go out with you.

This won’t limit your search.

But what if a man still likes 18-year-olds?

Choosing an age range to put in your online dating profile doesn’t limit your search and contact options.

That means nothing is stopping you from reaching out to 18- to 24-year-olds who strike your interest.

Nor will it stop those rare 18- to 24-year-olds who are looking for their sugar papa from contacting older men.

(Men, I have to warn you. Beware of hookers and opportunists. If it seems too good to be true, remember to think with your upstairs head and not your downstairs one.)

We are just optimizing your chances of getting actual dates.

Men, have you made any of these mistakes in your online dating profile? Ladies, what have you seen from men online that creeped you out?

Photo source: lsattraction.com.

I met this girl. We had three amazing dates where we both sensed our connection. All the dates have been fun, some kissing, lots of great conversations and generally promising.

The problem is the fourth date was disappointing in comparison. I missed lots of opportunities to build on conversation threads, had less eye contact, less laughing, etc. We kissed good night and kept it open about who would call.

When I text to say I looked forward to seeing her again soon, I didn’t get an answer. I’m sensing the next move is important.

Should I bring up the date and acknowledge it wasn’t so great, or should I breezily try and just move on and set up a fun activity date?”

-William (Massachusetts)

David Wygant’s Answer:

Hey William,

Stop sensing it’s a move. This isn’t a game. This isn’t Dungeons and Dragons online. A lot of guys don’t understand dating is not about making a move.

Dating is about feelings. Dating is about shared experiences. Dating is about a feeling.

Call her on the phone and ask her out again. Stop relying on texting so much.

It’s amazing so many people are always thinking about the move. You want to see this woman again, so call her on the phone.

Don’t bring up the date and acknowledge it wasn’t so great. You’re allowed to have an awkward day. Not every moment is going to be perfect.

So you’re next move is to call her up on the phone. Ask her out and have fun. Laugh, kiss, enjoy each other.

She could have just been having an off night, and you could’ve been having an off night.

Don’t make a big deal about it, William. Let me know what happens.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.