Yes, I know you miss her. But do you miss her, or do you just hate being alone?

Everything we want in life we want because we are after a feeling, not so much the thing. It’s why lesbians often get stuck in the wrong relationship.

Do you want your lesbian lover back because you’re tired of feeling lonely?

Do you want your lover back because that would feel familiar and comfortable? Do you want your lover back because it would make you feel safe and secure?

Maybe you want her back because you’ve realized she is someone truly special and being with her makes you feel like your best self?

Let me ask a few more nitpicky questions.

Why did you break up in the first place? What were her complaints about you? What were your complaints about her that seemed like they couldn’t be fixed? Has anything about what broke you up changed?

If she complained you never shared your feelings and didn’t communicate effectively, have you done something to learn how to be a more effective communicator?

If she complained you never helped with anything, didn’t chip in financially or maybe did nothing but complain about everything in your relationship, has anything changed?

If those were your complaints about her, how do you know she’s changed so that rekindling your relationship has a chance in hell of working?

Are you prepared to take her complaints about your behavior seriously and make changes in yourself?

Get some therapy. Start reading self-help books and taking action. Start working with a dating and relationship expert to learn how to be more loving, kind and giving in a relationship.

I understand the pull to get back together.

But it’s not as simple as getting her into bed with you.

If you haven’t worked on the problems that broke you up, a second or third go-around isn’t going to work either.

In my little lesbian world, I have loved the same lesbian for many years.

We’ve been off more than we’ve been on. Every time we got back together, we ended up running the same old pattern that led to breaking up again.

I realized I needed to change. I did a lot of work to bring myself into the relationship in a different way, but some of the key issues we had that kept us breaking up hadn’t changed.

I wanted us to get into couples counseling. She always found reasons to say “not now.”

I finally realized there was no reason for us to get back together because the important things hadn’t changed. I’d run this cycle enough times to know it never works.

I love her but “we” don’t work. I grew tired of my life being on hold for something that wasn’t going to happen.

“If you start acting like a loving

friend, you just might win her back.”

Now if you’re sure you and your ex really can work it out, then what do you do?

Here are a few ideas for you to work with:

1. Stop harassing her.

Stop calling her all the time. Stop texting her all the time. Stop emailing her all the time. Stop commenting on her Facebook posts or private messaging her or tweeting her all the time.

Stop being her headache and think about how you can extend love to her in a way that makes her FEEL at peace, safe and curious about you in a way she hasn’t felt in a while.

You want to stop creating the feeling you are pressuring her to get back together or you are demanding anything from her.

2. Try something different.

If you’ve been harassing her, its time for you to try something different.

Write her a letter. Send her a card in the mail. Really, this is powerful stuff in a day when everything happens by text.

Tell her you want to get back together but realize that is up to her to decide.

Now this is a hard one: Let her be right! Take responsibility for the relationship failing.

Own your part in what messed it up and do not throw her mistakes in her face — that’s a dead end. Let it go.

If your need to be right is more important than the relationship, that’s why you’re not together and you never will be back together if that’s your stance.

3. Give her space.

When you give her space, she can stop being on the defensive about you.

She can start to let her guard down and maybe peek into what’s going on in your world on Facebook or Twitter or through asking friends what’s up in your world and life.

4.  She’s probably thinking about you, too.

When you create the vacuum of not communicating (which nature and all women abhor), she can start to get curious about you and what you’re doing.

She’ll start to think different thoughts about you.

Instead of thinking, “Damn her. She’s driving me nuts. When is she going to stop?” your ex-girlfriend starts to wonder, “Why am I not hearing from her? Gee, I wonder if she’s found someone else?”

Get it? By not communicating with her, she can finally start to miss you.

5. You’ll hear from her eventually.

When she’s missing you, chances are you will hear from her eventually.

Now you need to continue to be patient! Don’t rush for the kill. Take your time. Continue to be mysterious and all the while be accepting of her.

Be kind and gracious to her. And if you’re really serious about rekindling this relationship and making it work, then take on my 90-day challenge.

6. What’s the 90-day challenge?

For 90 days, you don’t complain to her. You act selflessly.

You stop being focused on yourself and your needs and you focus only on her and what can support her, help her, make her feel better and ultimately make her feel your love.

Love is NOT selfish. Love has no expectation of return. Do you love like that? Or do you keep score?

For 90 days, you stop keeping score and you give and give and give with no expectation of return.

7. You don’t bitch to her or about her.

For 90 days, you find ways to compliment her. For 90 days, you take the high road and stop being a bitch yourself. For 90 days, you listen to her deeply and stop interrupting her.

You love her, forgive her foibles, don’t pick on her mistakes, compliment her bad cooking or whatever it was you somehow couldn’t stand when you were together.

You change your song from being mad to being sweet, loving and accepting — sweet enough to accept her habits that were making you crazy.

8. For 90 days, what she wants comes first.

What she wants, you do. What she asks for, you provide as much as is in your power to do.

9. Realize you might never have broken up in the first place.

And finally recognize if you’d done the 90-day challenge before the breakup, you might never have broken up. Yes, it’s that powerful.

There is no guarantee you can win your gay girl back, but if you’ll stop being the pain in her neck and start acting like a loving and giving friend and lover, you just might win her back.

Are you ready for the 90-day challenge? Leave a comment below if you’re committing to the challenge and come back and tell us what happens.

Photo source: dalje.com.

Facebook is where you let everyone know your relationship status. Facebook may be how you met your partner.

Facebook is also where you document the milestones of your relationship, and Facebook is increasingly cited in modern divorce papers.

It should come as no surprise that Facebook plays a heavy hand in the social roles of post-breakups, too.

In the old days, you had to try to run into your ex while at your familiar haunts. Now you just post your noise to Facebook.

So for those of you that play out your lives and love lives on Facebook, you often see residual things from breakups there, too.

When you remain “friends” with your ex, it means they can keep tabs on you.

They can see who you’re going out with and what you’re doing. Often they may reach out in the form of likes on your pictures or your statuses.

And it’s no surprise it messes with your mind. You ask yourself, “What does this mean? Do they still love me? Are they trying to get me back?”

There are a few possibilities here.

1. They still care.

Relationships exist because of feelings. If you had a relationship with this person, feelings were involved to some extent.

Just because the relationship ends doesn’t mean feelings immediately end, too.

The relationship ending meant you couldn’t have a romantic future together.

If they are “liking” your statuses and what not, this may be their way of expressing that they still care about you in some capacity and take interest in your life, despite the fact you’ve established an ending to your romantic nature.

2. They want you back.

It’s important not to confuse that someone “may still care” with them wanting you back.

They are two separate entities. If you assume one means the other, you’re setting yourself up for some emotional trauma.

Now it’s true your ex may be trying to relight the fire. They may be trying to use a simple like to start getting you to rethink about your separation. They may hope the like starts getting the ball rolling again.

“Most often the Facebook like allows your ex

to keep one foot in and one foot out.”

3. They are keeping their hat in the ring.

People are rarely black and white and romantic feelings in relationships muddy the decision-making powers of people more than anything else.

Most often the Facebook like is serving as an indecisive digital pop stand allowing your ex to keep one foot in and one foot out of having a role in your life.

It’s a simple way for your ex to remind you of them — to keep their person in your mind.

They may not be sure what they want from you. Maybe it’s a future booty call to combat a lonely night, or maybe it’s because their life is chaos right now and they are hoping to get back together in the future.

You don’t know and they don’t even know. It’s a way for them to non-threateningly assert themselves into the current happenings of your life in which they no longer exist.

4. It’s just a like.

There’s the chance this like means nothing, literally nothing, to the state of your relationship.

They may just like whatever your post was regardless of its relation to you.

Unfortunately, not everything has to mean something. Maybe your burrito pic just really looked that good.

If you’re sure your relationship should be a closed door and in your past, and the occasional Facebook like has you wondering what’s going on, then you need to unfriend and secure your privacy settings because ain’t nobody got time for that.

If you don’t care, then you don’t care and carry on.

If you yourself are unsure of where you and your ex stand, then by all means take the Facebook like out of your relationship decision making.

It’s weak and should in no way serve as the indicator of the future path of your relationship.

See what other things your ex is willing to communicate in terms of reigniting. If they aren’t, then you need to question why you think they make such a great partner.

Do you stay Facebook friends with your exes? Is it a good or bad idea?

Photo source: dapazze.com.

A new study finds the more past romantic relationships a person has, the more interests they list on their Facebook profile.

Conducted by researchers from Western Illinois and Cornell Universities, the study found relationships breed new and sustaining interests with each new partner.

Involving 276 respondents, each answered a series of questions on past relationships and social media activity. A subset of 149 participants were given questions about current romantic partners.

“The more past relationships a person has,

the more interests they list on Facebook.”

Soon to be published in the July 2013 issue of Computers in Human Behavior, the study was authored by WIU assistant professor Christopher Carpenter and Erin Spottswood, of Cornell University.

Carpenter, a member of the university’s communications department, studies human interaction on social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter, which he said offer a unique window in our lives.

“When we develop a relationship with someone, we take on some of their interests and traits and, in many cases, hang on to them long after we break up,” he said. “Facebook offered a unique way of examining the extent to which those traces of past relationships remain in our profiles.”

Carpenter received considerable media attention last year for a study that explored a “dark side” of Facebook. That study compared Facebook activity with narcissistic or antisocial indicators.

“We can see how often people interact with their romantic partners on Facebook,” he said. “We can’t follow people around with a tape recorder getting a record of what they say all day. Facebook, on the other hand, offers us the chance to see one part of that record.”

Source: Western Illinois University. Photo source: telegraph.co.uk.

I started dating one of my close friends. Everything was all right until we started to argue more. He said he needed time to think about things but wouldn’t specify what “things” he needed to think about.

After being split up for a week, I decided I would give us another chance. Well come to find out he had gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend the day after we broke up. I told him if he wanted me, then he needed to break up with her.

Ever since then, she has not stopped texting him. I told him he needs to tell her off, but he just won’t do it.

Does he love me? Or is he just immature and needs time to grow up and be a real man?

-Caley (Maine)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Caley,

I’m wondering if your question might be better worded, “Do I need more time to grow up and become a real woman?”

Let’s take a look at what happened here:

There was conflict and the two of you didn’t have enough conflict resolution skills to find a path back to love. His only tool (a bad one at that) was to cut off the relationship to find some peace.

But clearly he likes having a girl because he latched onto an old girlfriend right away.

You couldn’t wait for him to return, so after merely a week, YOU decided to charge ahead and pursue him. Now you are making demands on him to control his ex-girlfriend’s behavior.

Here’s a wonderful lesson that will help you for the rest of your life: We cannot control anyone’s behavior. We can only control our own.

That may mean learning to control your tongue in an argument or contain yourself during separations.

There were many lessons for you in this painful event. The biggest sign of growth is not making the same mistake twice.

I wish you wisdom, young lady. When it hurts the most, you are growing the most.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

My ex-girlfriend kicked me out of her house in March 2012. The last time I talked to her on the phone was early December 2012.

Should I call her?

-Thomas (Missouri)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Thomas,

In a word: Why? Why did she kick you out of her house? And why do you want to get back with her?

Think about the answers to those two questions before taking my next advice.

If you really want a future relationship with her, you better have permanently changed the behavior that irked her before. Earning her trust back will be hard.

Secondly, the two of you need to learn some better conflict resolution skills. I guarantee if you fought a lot before, you will fight more this time around, so learn to contain yourself and hold your tongue.

Finally, even if she wants it, don’t rush back into a sexual relationship. The hormones and neurotransmitters associated with sex will make you less able to forge the emotional connection you will need for a long-term, secure attachment.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

A breakup with him occurred previously for a reason and you want to avoid re-enacting old patterns and dynamics by jumping back in too quickly or when the decision is emotionally-driven.

This is something that involves a lot of individual reflection, as well as pointed communication with your ex.

One of the questions you want to ask yourself is, “Why do I want to get back with him? Why now?”

It’s important to explore your motives for wanting to reconnect to ensure they are healthy and pure.

If you both have grown personally and made some changes that have strengthened your maturity and responsibility, that might be a positive indicator to consider the situation further.

If you’re struggling with loneliness, anxiety about being alone or fear of not being able to find another partner, these would be deemed unhealthy reasons and would be indicative of potentially setting yourselves up to get hurt again.

“Am I truly into him or the idea of being with him?”

You want to be truly honest with yourself about what lies beneath your desire to get back together.

Some of the other things that can be helpful here individually would be to do a cost/benefit analysis of the prospect of reconciling. What are the pros and cons?

Another thing you might want to do would be to create a list of your negotiable and non-negotiable needs for a partner, a relationship or even a friendship with your ex.

Pay particular attention to the “deal-breakers” on your list and compare these with your relationship with your ex when you were together.

“Getting back together can be a rewarding

experience or a complete nightmare.”

Are there any deal-breakers?

If so, you may decide not to pursue the relationship further because of incompatibility. After all, if it didn’t work before, why would it now?

Or you may choose to talk to your ex and see if you are both willing to work on any of the deal-breakers you both may share to see if any resolution can be achieved.

Are you willing to invest the time and energy without a guarantee of a desired outcome? Is the risk worth it to you?

You and your ex will definitely want to sit down and have some very serious heart-to-heart discussions.

What were the reasons you ended the relationship before? What went wrong, and how will you ensure these same factors don’t repeat in a new relationship?

You will want to identify all the grievances you both have and develop an action plan for each one to make sure these issues don’t get repeated.

You will need to learn how to manage your old triggers in different ways and develop stronger communication and conflict resolution skills to manage your differences and arguments in more positive ways.

You might also want to read a book together on how to negotiate a successful reconciliation.

Though not specific to gay men, one of my favorites is “Getting Back Together: How to Reconcile with Your Partner and Make It Last” by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz.

I also highly recommend you both pursue some form of individual and couples therapy or coaching for help in navigating this tricky slope to help keep you grounded.

Getting back together with an ex can be a rewarding experience or a complete nightmare if not careful.

It’s important to do your due diligence and do your homework where this is concerned to determine if this is truly the right path for you.

These re-pairings can and do work as long as both partners have learned from past relationship mistakes and apply these lessons learned.

These relationships can then be better than ever!

What have your experiences been like with getting back together with an ex-partner?

Photo source: prinsesamusang.wordpress.com.

The problem is too often we are so busy trying to be friends with our ex that we’re not moving on in our own lives.

Lesbians are notorious for wanting to stay friends.

You want your new girlfriend and your old girlfriend to get along and be friends. You want your ex to keep you on her speed dial and stay in touch about the latest in her life.

As a dating coach and a lesbian, I’m saying YUCK to all of this.

One of the biggest reasons you have a hard time moving on is you never let go. You break up with your girlfriend and in the next breath say, “I want to be friends.”

The right response to that statement is, “OK, maybe in a year or six months but not today or this week.”

Now this doesn’t apply to someone who you’ve dated just a few times. This applies to the woman who has been your girlfriend, lover or partner for a while.

“Give your heart time to heal and give

yourself space to breathe and adjust.”

You don’t have to be friends with your ex.

And if you’re trying to be friends and are discovering it’s like sticking splinters in your eyeballs, then you’ll appreciate this a lot: You don’t have to be friends with your ex.

The only time friendship makes sense is when you both can bring genuinely positive energy into a friendship and it makes both of you feel good.

If you’re not feeling good with your former-lover-now-turned-friend status, then get out.

Own the reason you’re not up for friendship and don’t project something onto your ex. Own that it’s too soon for you to feel just friendly with a woman who has been your lover for a long time.

Own that you’re going to feel jealous if she talks about a new girlfriend. Own that you’re not going to tell her if you’re dating someone new and that feels like lying.

Own whatever the reason that a friendship isn’t going to work, and then stick to your gay girl guns about it.

After a breakup, give your heart time to heal and give yourself space to breathe and adjust.

Friendship might come down the road, but you can’t rush it.

Have you ever tried being friends with an ex? What happened?

Photo source: etsy.com.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years. I got so used to him that when this new guy started flirting with me, I broke it off and started a new relationship.

This guy is great, but I miss my ex and I regret everything. My ex tells me he still loves me, but he has a girlfriend as well. I don’t want to hurt anyone.

What do I do?

-Andrea (Utah)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Andrea,

Did you break it off with your boyfriend in an attempt to bring him closer? That’s a common move by women who want more attention from their man.

If you broke up with him for another reason, I guarantee if you reconcile with him, you will be giving him permission to behave the way he did in the past.

The best predictor of someone’s future behavior is their past behavior.

Remember, we always have feelings of loss when we break up, even if we were the one who made the choice.

I agree you don’t want to hurt anyone, but are you hurting yourself by staying in mourning and not being completely present in your new relationship?

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

That was simple, right?

Sure it seems simple, but let’s talk about what you’re doing when you bring your past into a possible relationship. You’re messing it up.

When you’re busy telling me about your past dating experiences, I’m wondering if you’re over that lesbian.

I’m wondering if you’re really ready and available to be in a relationship. I’m wondering why you are still so angry, hurt, upset, resentful and whiny about your past relationships.

Yeah, it gets ugly doesn’t it?

Has this happened to you?

You’ve met an interesting lesbian. You got up the nerve to ask her out. She said yes.

Now you’re with her listening to the stories she has about her last relationship or last 10 relationships. It’s all about how she is the victim.

Can you say, “This is getting ugly”? Or perhaps you are seeing yourself in this example.

Talking about your past relationships should wait until you’ve gone out more than a couple of times.

Now that doesn’t mean you can’t mention you’ve been single for the last year or that your partnership of five or eight or 10 years ended and you are now finally feel ready to meet someone new.

That’s the kind of lesbian dating past I like hearing.

You’re not dragging me into the mud. You’re not sounding resentful and hurt.

You’re not looking for me to fix your bad feelings about yourself and your past. A new relationship isn’t going to fix your past. Only you can fix you.

“You can leave your past behind and

stop bringing it into your dating life today.”

Here’s the next question:

If you’re not over your anger and hurt from your last breakup, are you ready to date? Probably not and here’s why:

You don’t want to bring your ugly past into what could be a beautiful and bright future. They don’t match and they don’t work. They actually repel each other.

Yes, that’s right. The negative energy you are carrying around about your past and your dreams of a bright positive future don’t mix and won’t work well together.

What needs to happen? Well, it doesn’t have to take years to get over your ex and what happened.

You can start today by just deciding to let it go. Forgive her. Forgive yourself.

Imagine your hand is holding the strings of a bunch of balloons. Those balloons are the resentment and hurt you’re holding onto.

Imagine each balloon has a word that represents your hurt, resentment, guilt, shame or depression written on it.

See yourself letting go of the strings. The balloons quietly and gently rise up into the sky and float away from you.

You can stop holding onto the disappointment and resentment of your lesbian dating past just as quickly. See them floating away. Open your hand and let the strings go.

Just like that you can leave your past behind and stop bringing it into your dating life today.

You’ll stop chasing off potential great gay girls who thought you were interesting but, after listening to your stories, went in the other direction.

You can do it today. What are you waiting for?

I’d love for you to leave a comment and tell me what happened when you let go of that bunch of balloons!

Photo source: themindfulword.org.

A new study published in the Journal of Adolescent Research examined the role exes play in the lives of individuals ages 17 to 24.

The study, which looked at dating data pulled from 792 emerging adults, found 44 percent of emerging adults who had been in a romantic relationship in the past two years had reconciled with at least one of their exes, either by having non-committal sex or by fully resuming their romantic relationship.

“Forty-four percent of emerging adults had

reconciled with at least one of their exes.”

About half of all reconciliations noted within the research involved sex.

The study authors discussed the implications of reconciliations with previous romantic partners:

“Emerging adults who reconcile may be prone to a behavior pattern that involves cycling through relationship formation. Furthermore, having sex with an ex may be problematic because former partners can have difficulty moving on from an old relationship or building new romantic attachments.”

Source: Sagepub.com.