News flash to all single men out there: You do not have to be the hot, good-looking guy to win over a beautiful woman!

As a matchmaker and dating coach, I have interviewed thousands of single women and, believe it or not, women are actually much less superficial when it comes to looks than men are.

Now obviously there needs to be some sort of attraction, but women will rarely say a “must have” is hot looks. Women tend to focus more on the qualities a man has to offer.

Women have repeatedly told me the top three qualities they are looking for in a man are:

1. Sense of humor.

When it comes to sense of humor, don’t worry. You don’t have to be a stand-up comedian, but you do have to have a great sense of humor.

Women really love it when a man can make them laugh.

“If you’re a total gentleman on a date,

you will rise above all the other guys.”

2. Confidence.

Now when I say “confidence,” please do not confuse that with being “cocky.” If there’s one thing that turns a woman off, it’s a cocky man.

What’s important for you to know is no matter what you look like, you should just be confident in knowing who you are and your self-worth.

When a woman sees you’re confident in yourself, she will find that attractive and will want to be around you.

3. How you treat her.

How you treat a woman on a date is so important. Chivalry is not dead.

If you’re a total gentleman on a date, you will rise to the top above all the other guys she dates who aren’t. Trust me, women notice it and it can actually make or break a date.

So stop thinking the only reason why you’re not having any luck with women is because you’re not a hot guy.

Your looks don’t really have anything to do with it and you need to start working on your confidence, sense of humor and chivalry.

Fellas, which tips are you going to use the most to win a woman over? Leave your comments below!

Photo source: sowsewso.wordpress.com.

Her mother and sister call her naive and her friends have told her their concerns.

It seems everyone around Jennifer thinks she’s making a big mistake. They’re worried she’ll get hurt again.

She has the same worry.

Even though Jennifer’s family and friends caution her about trusting her boyfriend too easily, it does seem like he’s trying to change.

He’s told her he’s sorry over and over again. He texts and emails with her throughout the day. He lets her know what he’s doing and who he’s spending time with when they’re not together.

Jennifer appreciates her boyfriend’s efforts, but there is still nagging doubt. She is afraid this is all temporary and, at some point when she least expects it, he’ll cheat again.

Stay awake and aware.

If you are with a partner who lied or cheated in the past, it’s important to stay awake and aware.

We do NOT advise you to make it your goal to catch your mate in a lie, but we do recommend you pay close attention.

Pay attention to what your partner says and does. Notice how open or how closed down and distant he is with you.

This is a time to really focus in on the reliable proof you have — proof you’re being told the truth or proof something is not adding up.

Reteach yourself how (and when) to trust.

Rebuilding trust after an affair can take time.

You probably aren’t going to wake up one day and all of your hesitation will magically be gone. It rarely happens this way.

Instead, you’re going to need to reteach yourself how to trust.

You’re going to want to be wise about this and, as we said, stay awake and aware of observable information you have about your partner and your relationship.

Make sure you are giving your mate credit when he does do something that is trustworthy.

Too often the betrayal of the past is held onto and it overshadows what’s going on now, which might actually be hopeful and positive.

Don’t cling to your anger and resentment about your partner’s cheating. Take the time to process your emotions and let them go.

Keep reminding yourself of what your partner is doing right now and how he has possibly changed recently.

Ultimately, we advise you to be wise. There is no guarantee your partner will not betray you again (or that he will).

But you can watch your partner and listen to your own inner wisdom. Make the decision about whether or not to trust based on what you observe.

“When you experience a renewed sense

of openness, it’s wise to trust again.”

Three signs it’s wise to trust again:

1. Your partner’s words match his actions.

It’s true actions speak louder than words.

It can be comforting to hear your partner say “I’m sorry” for the affair, but it is truly healing to see consistent actions that show your partner is making amends.

When you see your partner is keeping promises and agreements the two of you made, this is significant.

If there seem to be inconsistencies between your partner’s words and actions, look a little deeper before making an accusation.

Because of the past cheating, your suspicions might come up more quickly. Ask yourself if it is possible there are other valid reasons why your partner didn’t keep his word.

2. Your partner is honest when it’s difficult.

Keep in mind sometimes inconsistencies don’t mean your partner is having another affair.

If your relationship has been strained, your partner might lie as a way to avoid jealousy, a fight or looking guilty (when actually innocent).

It can get tricky to know what’s true, so try not to jump to conclusions.

This is why it is a really big deal when your partner IS honest and upfront with you about a difficult topic.

When your partner admits he did get a text from his ex or he did run into that girl from work who flirts with him, give credit for the honesty.

The temptation might be to hide something that could seem suspicious, but your partner chose to tell you about it instead. Keep your cool and acknowledge this.

Again, look at the verifiable facts and ask yourself whether or not what you’re being told makes logical sense.

3. There is a new openness.

Remember, when your partner is honest about conflicting or painful emotions or opinions that are different from your own, this is another demonstration of trust.

In so many cases of infidelity, there was a distance between the two people before the cheating occurred.

While it was your partner’s decision to cheat, you may have played a role in this distance forming.

When you experience a new or renewed sense of openness in your relationship, this is another sign it’s wise to trust again.

The openness might relate to practical matters — like your partner being transparent about actions and people he has been spending time with.

There also could be an emotional openness.

Your partner might do some soul searching about why he cheated in the first place and share that discovery with you. He could confide in you about some deep feelings you didn’t know about before.

This sense of openness is a gift you can also give in return, as you are ready.

Ladies, when do you know it’s safe to trust again?

Photo source: bp.blogspot.com.

Do you want a long-term, committed relationship? Are you happy to have a quick fling?

No matter your goals, it’s important your relationship goals are in line with your sexual strategies.

The biggest mistake many women make is to use short-term sexual strategies to obtain a long-term goal.

Find out by taking the quiz below!

Please use the scale (adapted from the Sexual Relationships Questionnaire) provided to indicate how much you agree or disagree with each item, keeping in mind the type of relationship in which you would prefer to have sex.

1. I would like to have an ongoing relationship, assuming it was with the right partner.

2. I have no objection to “casual sex,” as long as I like the person I’m having sex with.

3. I’m not really interested in forming a serious relationship right now, even if a seemingly “right” person comes along.

4. Sex without love is OK.

5. I’m looking for a potential spouse and hope to get married before too long.

6. I would love to be closely attached to someone (both emotionally and psychologically) before I could feel comfortable and fully enjoy having sex with the person.

7. I would very much like to find a serious relationship I could be sure would last.

8. It’s OK to have sex outside the confines of a primary relationship.

9. I can imagine myself being comfortable and enjoying “casual sex” with different partners.

10. I try not to fantasize about having sex with someone other than my current partner.

“If you scored high on the long-term strategies,

you likely have a secure attachment style.”

How to score the quiz:

1. Reverse the scores for 3, 5 and 9.

This means 1=5, 2=4, 3=3, 4=2 and 5=1.

2. Now find the average score for 1, 3, 6, 9 and 10.

Hint: Add up all these scores and divide by five. That’s your long-term mating score.

3. Then find the average score for 2, 4, 5, 7 and 8.

Again, add up all these scores and divide by 5. This is your short-term mating score.

What does my score mean?

If you scored high on short-term sexual strategies, you are less likely to fall in love and more likely to get involved in relationship game playing – the kinds of games that bring a man’s sexual organs closer to you than his heart.

People who score high on short-term strategies also tend to be emotionally avoidant. And avoidant people actually fear closeness.

If you scored high on the long-term strategies, you likely have a secure attachment style.

You are able to be selfless and you are likely to move away from dates who play head games.

You enjoy physical contact, affection and wild sex but mostly in the context of an exclusive relationship. Your relationship goals are long term.

If you scored high on both short-term and long-term strategies, this might be a sign you are more anxious with your relationships.

You desire intense intimacy and want to be loved deeply. You often become obsessed with your big crush.

The reason you have sex is less related to personal pleasure and more often related to a need to feel attached, attended to and to allay fears of abandonment.

Ladies, how do you plan to get your sexual strategies to match up with your relationship goals?

Photo source: hotel-innovador.com.

Someone thought it would be funny to post pictures of unattractive, socially awkward men from OkCupid, along with painful clips from their profiles talking about how they are “nice guys.”

While I can’t help but wonder what would happen if the gender roles were reversed here, it did get me thinking about “nice guys.”

Let’s paint a little picture of the Nice Guy:

The Nice Guy is a girl’s best friend. He’s always there when she has problems.

In fact, he often volunteers his services even when they aren’t wanted. He fancies himself a lady’s closest confidant, yet he rages at being in the “friend zone.”

This isn’t only limited to the guy who longs for a relationship with his best friend and wants to know how he can make it happen.

This is also the type of guy who only talks to women so he can get laid.

So how “nice” of a guy is he?

First of all, talking about what a “nice guy” you are is generally a pretty clear sign you aren’t, which I think is the point of the site in the first place.

It’s like guys who are always going on about how “honest” they are. It either means they’re proud of acting like assholes all the time or they’re pathological liars.

Similarly, the “nice guy” is anything but. He’s got an agenda (usually a pretty selfish one), and he disguises it underneath the cloak of being a “nice guy.”

At The Art of Charm, we’re not the least bit opposed to agendas, even ones that might be a little “selfish.” But we do urge men to be honest and above board about their intentions at all times.

“People tend to be attracted to honesty,

purpose of action and high social value.”

All of this avoids a pretty important point:

No one ever got laid by being a “nice guy.”

The Nice Guys of OkCupid fail at creating rapport and sexual tension. They then reach the passive-aggressive conclusion women don’t like them because they are “too nice.”

These are the guys who honestly believe women look for assholes. Every man with a lick of social awareness knows on some level this isn’t true.

However, at least they know the type of women they want to date won’t be into dating assholes.

What do women really want?

As there are nearly 3.5 billion women on the planet and I’ve only met a fraction of them, it’s hard to say.

But people in general tend to be attracted to honesty, purpose of action and high social value.

You can bet the most socially successful people in the world didn’t get there by mistreating others. Nor did they get there through false, passive-aggressive “niceness,” which ultimately was nothing more than a self-serving power play.

You want to be nice. You also want to be independent and, above all, genuine.

The Nice Guys of OkCupid aren’t just duplicitous and passive aggressive.

They also need to have themselves validated from external sources, usually women. And these women can smell the desperation on them.

The first thing you need to learn is if you aren’t satisfied with yourself as you are, you have to get good at pretending you are while you’re busting your ass to get there for real.

Begging attention off people, especially by trying to make them feel bad when they don’t give it, is just about the worst social strategy going.

Readers, how do you remain a “nice guy” without having an agenda?

Photo source: soulartistrymedia.com.

After a long dry spell of being on the solo circuit, or even experiencing a series of recurring dating disappointments, the frustration can ultimately balloon into a sense of defeat and jadedness if not careful.

The gay bar has been a traditional place where gay men have been able to meet each other.

Thankfully, with the growing acceptance of the LGBT community, meeting places have generalized to areas of more visibility as our access to each other has increased.

And that’s a wonderful thing, especially since the gay bar isn’t always the most successful venue to meet a true dating prospect.

It can happen, but it’s more difficult because of the unknown variables about the men in this establishment, not to mention the sexualized and “cruising” atmosphere can sometimes be an interference.

Sufficient self-knowledge.

The key to meeting a compatible partner is to align yourself with venues where there will be a greater probability the men in that context share similar interests and values.

This is why it’s essential in dating to have sufficient self-knowledge and take a personal inventory of who you are and what you stand for.

This means taking stock of your value system, as well as what your personal requirements are for a partner and a relationship.

Without this awareness, dating becomes a random, directionless activity that rarely yields positive results unless one is lucky.

“It’s essential you assert yourself and

become proactive in the moment.”

Choosing venues with like-minded men.

Armed with this information, you can now position yourself in situations and environments where other like-minded men will congregate.

Your odds for meeting someone compatible have now tripled, unlike a bar where you have no idea about any of these guys’ backgrounds or intentions.

For example, if personal growth and spirituality are key values for you, perhaps going to a gay retreat or conference devoted to these topics would surround you with similar men.

Or if you’re big into politics, volunteer for your favorite candidate so you can become involved with others who share this same passion.

Personal ads are good starting places to screen out some of these variables when assessing dating profiles, though it is more time consuming to reach the recognition of alignment.

The point is the more compatible the venue is with your interests, values, purpose and mission in life, the greater the odds you’ll meet a love match than mixing and mingling in a public place or a bar.

It can still happen, but it requires a lot more energy with a much lower return of investment.

Events and volunteering.

If you find it difficult to position yourself in your desired venues, I’ve found looking through gay publications that advertise community events or volunteer opportunities to be helpful.

Meetup.com is also an excellent resource for searching for like-minded groups of people.

If you don’t see any groups that match your needs, you can start your own group and begin attracting a compatible crowd!

Additionally, while it’s important to place yourself in the right context, this is only half of the solution.

Being in the right place will only serve you if you take advantage of the opportunity.

This means it’s essential you assert yourself, talk to the other guys and become proactive in the moment. Get involved and avoid passivity.

Your Mr. Right could be within your vicinity and you don’t want to lose the chance of making a connection!

What are some of the venues and meeting places you’ve found helpful for meeting quality gay guys and compatible dating partners? Do share!

Photo source: obu.edu.

Then all of sudden, you’ve got something heavy happening in your life. You explain it to her. You tell her you’d like to talk about it so you can get out of your head.

She tells you she’s busy.

Whoa, wait a sec… Busy? How does that make you feel?

Welcome to the first red flag in dating.

It happens all the time. And it’s something a lot of guys just ignore.

But I’m telling you now: Never ignore red flags.

When you do, you’re setting yourself up for a terrible relationship.

There are so many men out there that are genetically designed to wow women — it’s in their DNA.

It’s in their DNA to claim a woman. It’s in their DNA to protect a woman. It’s in their DNA to honor a woman.

“You’ve got to respect yourself in

order to have a great relationship.”

You’ve got to pay attention to the red flags.

When those flags arrive, you better address them immediately.

You’ve got to call this woman out on her stuff. Don’t allow the behavior to continue.

If a woman continues to ignore your needs in the beginning, then she’s going to walk all over you later in the relationship.

She’s probably even done this to lots of other guys, but they never said anything so now her behavior continues.

Nip it in the bud early!

You want a healthy, great relationship? Then I strongly suggest when that red flag comes up, you talk about it instantly.

Don’t hesitate and don’t worry if she doesn’t like you anymore.

It’s all about you and your needs. It’s about self-respect. You’ve got to respect yourself in order to have a fabulous, great relationship.

Let me ask you:

Have you noticed any red flags in your past relationships that you didn’t tackle immediately? What happened to that relationship?

Did you break up because of the red flags, or did you keep quiet and live with them? Tell me in the comments below.

Photo source: baltimoresun.com.

Monogamy.

Monogamy can provide an excellent foundation for a relationship.

Your romantic life can feel stable, you have a companion, and you are able to get to know one person extremely well.

Given a healthy relationship, you build trust with your partner and learn how to communicate and tackle challenges together.

Also, assuming you both got tested for STIs at the beginning of your relationship and cheating is not taking place, you don’t have to worry about STIs.

On the other hand, monogamy is built around assumptions that one person can satisfy 100 percent of your desires, needs and wants out of a relationship, which can feel stifling and overwhelming (and disappointing when it doesn’t work out that way).

Sexual excitement fades over time, and you have limited sexual variety within a monogamous relationship.

Furthermore, the parameters of monogamy often go assumed and unspoken, so ideas of what constitutes cheating may not be discussed.

Also, monogamy presents us with very limited options if you meet someone else you are attracted to.

You either break up and move on to the new, exciting person (called serial monogamy), cheat or do your best to forget about this new, exciting person (while realizing there will always be someone that will get you excited).

Finally, practicing serial monogamy can mean exposing yourself to a greater STI risk (unless you are consistently using condoms and other barriers like dental dams with your new partners and you both get tested before having unprotected sex).

“You have to commit to self-growth,

which can be challenging at times.”

Open relationships.

Open relationships by their very nature are honest and transparent relationships, which can feel quite liberating.

You have the opportunity (depending on your relationship agreements) to have increased sexual variety and greater sexual autonomy.

In addition, it is possible to have needs met by other relationships (emotional, erotic, physical, spiritual, etc.).

Overall, you have increased relationship choice and autonomy.

You can still have deep and companionship-oriented relationships, and it is quite possible to have stability within your relationship(s).

In my experience, relationship stability is increased when partners feel like they are choosing to be with one another and have the ability to negotiate things they want with other people.

Open relationships also force you to work on difficult emotions, such as jealousy, personal insecurities and fear.

You cannot keep emotions bottled up. You have to commit to self-growth, which can be challenging at times.

Open relationships also require a significant time commitment for communication.

Lastly, open relationships open the door to the possibility your partner meets someone and the two of you break up or transition your relationship into something else.

What pros and cons have you encountered around your relationship structure?

Photo source: voxxi.com.

On March 20th, along with the arrival of the spring equinox, several singles I’ve been working with in my Online Dating BootCamp changed their relationship status to “In a Relationship” and retired their online dating profiles since the first day of spring.

What’s their secret in just one week? Preparation and careful planning for the change of seasons, because there’s no better place to look than on your existing online dating site.

Each couple I worked with took the steps to create a personality that would shine along with a fresh start.

Get a digital facelift.

Singles already online need a digital facelift of their profiles at least once every season.

Just like you change your wardrobe and rearrange the clothes in your closet to wear lighter and brighter clothing for the new season, your dating profile should reflect a brighter and refreshed version of you.

To do this, I recommend the following:

1. Take new photos. 

Wear outfits with pinks, reds and colors that will pop. Ditch the little black dress, as it’s too common and will get lost on the computer screen.

You don’t have to go to an expensive photographer, but grab some of your friends and a digital camera and start shooting away.

Take 100 photos in five different outfits. Let your friends help you select the best five.

2. Change your screen name.

Drop the winter blues and find a catchy screen name for your new profile.

Love art? Terrific. Use the name “ArtLover” and possibly your first name or the state you reside in, such as “ArtLoverJill” or “ArtLoverNY.”

Ski season over? Change your headline from “Loves to Ski” to another activity, such as “Looking for hiking partner.”

“All singles looking for love online could use a 

digital facelift to attract their dream date.”

3. List upcoming events.

Your dating profile doesn’t have to be stagnant like a magazine ad. Make it more active like your Facebook profile.

If you’ve snagged great concert tickets and are looking for a date, say so in your profile.

Who knows? Your dream date might just share the same passion for music you do.

4. Head over to Facebook.

Online dating has really become social dating. Make sure your Facebook page lists your status as “Single.”

You can do this in your “About” section. Let the world know you’re ready to start dating.

See an old friend? Strike up a private chat on Facebook.

Looking for someone to go to the latest museum exhibit? Post it on your page.

Who knows? A secret admirer might just “like” that page and suggest going together.

5. Cast a wider net.

Don’t limit your search to 10 miles within your hometown, unless you have your heart set on being with the boy next door.

If you’d be willing to drive an hour to see a date, then change your range to 60 miles from where you live.

Expand your age range to a few years older and a few years younger to be open to the possibilities.

Going on a business trip or vacation? Write to someone in the city you’ll be visiting. When they hear you’ll be in town for a limited time, they won’t want to miss out on the opportunity to meet you.

At the end of the day, all singles looking for love online could use a little digital facelift to attract their dream date.

How often do you change your online dating profile?

Photo source: aericon.com.

Make your own rules.

“If being in an open relationship works for

one couple, then they should do as they please.”

Do gay men have trouble with commitment?

This has often been a controversial subject among gay men, with opinions being  split right down the middle.

There’s not necessarily a right or wrong answer, as these types of scenarios are rarely ever black and white.

The decision to “hit the sheets” after having a superb first date before the night is over is a personal one, fraught with uncertainty about the impact that being intimate so soon after meeting can affect the potential for securing a second date and beyond.

The good and the bad.

Before reaching that point of no return, it’s important to conduct an evaluation or a cost/benefit analysis of both the positive and negative ramifications of such an action.

It’s also important to weigh this dilemma against your personal values system and determine if being sexual early in the game is in alignment with your vision of what you’re looking for.

Obviously, being intimate early on allows one to “sample the goods” and determine if there is a sexual compatibility present as you continue the screening process about your dating prospect.

Not to mention, it’s a great way to end a magical night if you’re both feeling it because it’s fun.

“If you decide to get naked, be mindful

of the pleasures AND the risks.”

Some men may also do this for fear the other guy may not be interested in them moving forward if they don’t “put out.” Yikes! What does that tell you about him?!

Or they may think their sexual talents may help “seal the deal” and keep the other guy around.

However, both of these latter reasons are indicative of insecurity and not usually a healthy rationale.

Holding off.

Though not a popular decision, especially when the chemistry between the two of you is so strong, another option is to hold off on sex for later on down the road (or at least not on the first date).

The benefit with this is you can see if the guy is into you for you.

If a guy is really only after a “trick,” the likelihood of his coming back for multiple dates and engaging in a courtship process is low because he’s not looking for companionship.

By staving off on sex early on in a dating relationship, you’ll be more able to gauge whether his interest in you is truly on the up and up.

Additionally, having sex prematurely before you’ve had a chance to develop a foundation for a relationship makes commitment more shaky because there’s less of an attachment built up between the two of you and less history and investment available to ride out the inevitable storm of conflict that always shows up at some point between a couple.

Neither option is better or worse than the other.

However, it is important to do your due diligence and determine what your needs and priorities are for love.

If you opt to hold off, a good old make-out session is always hot, not to mention nurturing the sexual tension to its boiling point.

If you decide to get naked, be mindful of the pleasures AND the risks, and even though it’s a “buzz kill,” communicate your concerns to your partner before proceeding.

You’ll likely learn a lot about his intentions and concerns this way as well. And play responsibly!

What are your thoughts on this ongoing debate about whether to have sex on the first date? What experiences have you had with this?

Photo source: corbisimages.com.