I hear it mainly from guys who have trouble socializing “naturally,” so they turn to systems and methods that change dating into a scientific experiment.

These guys break down the dating process into a step-by-step procedure, analyzing each part.

And the most overly-analyzed aspect of the dating process is getting her phone number.

“When do I ask her for her number? How do I guarantee she gives it to me? How many minutes into our initial conversation should I wait before asking for the number?”

A guy actually asked me that once. And I told him this:

“There is no fucking time limit!”

It’s all about the connection.

There have been many times I’ve talked to a woman in line at the supermarket where we had a nice 15- or 20-second conversation and I felt the spark — I knew it was there! And so I’d look at her and say:

“You know what, before you run, give me your number. We need to talk more about the sushi you’re going to go home and eat.”

Whatever it is, I don’t care. I’ll just say anything.

Then I get the phone number.

I’ve gotten into a good 10-minute conversation and gotten the phone number — sometimes 30 minutes, sometimes only five. It all depends on where you’re at and where you are in the moment.

“If you don’t understand these things,

then you’ve really got a lot to learn.”

Never be afraid to ask for the phone number if these three things occur:

1. You actually have a real conversation with her.

And I mean real. None of the fluffy, stop-and-chat, “weather looks good today” stuff.

2. She tells you personal things about herself.

A woman will never tell you anything personal about herself unless she felt comfortable. Trust is a big part of any relationship, and trust is something that needs to be built from the beginning of your interaction.

If she can trust you with her life details, she can trust you with her number.

3. There’s a spark between the two of you.

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone you just click with? It always happens in a moment and it’s not something you can reason. It’s just a spark. When you feel that, it’s on.

So if you’re like one of the scientific guys I described earlier, look for these three signs and you’ll always know when it’s the right time to ask for her number.

But I would suggest you develop some sensitivity. It’ll be much easier for you in the future. You can get out of your head and really dig into the moment.

It’s not just about you looking out for the signs above.

Is her eye contact with you? Is she smiling? Is she glowing? (Yes, there’s a glow women have when they have a connection with a man they’re attracted to.)

If you don’t understand these things, if you don’t know what a woman is attracted to, then you’ve really got a lot to learn.

But you’re here because you want that magical phone number. Watch out for the three signs above and you’ll get it.

Guys, do you have trouble getting the girl’s number? Which tip are you going to use to get the number every time from now on?

Photo source: glamour.com.

What I am going to explore is the number of ways the seduction community, also known as pickup artists, can make you a bit weird — to your friends, to your family and ultimately to women.

1. Smug superiority.

This is a biggie. A lot of men consider themselves somehow “evolved” just because they’re in on the “secrets” of the seduction community.

They use terms like “average frustrated chump” for the rest of the world.

Even a 30-year-old basement-dwelling virgin has something up on the rest of us because he’s studied at the foot of PUA masters.

He’s not a player yet, but he knows how to be one on paper. Sure he does.

2. Unsolicited advice.

It was a wiser man than I who said one of the gravest sins a person can commit is giving out unsolicited advice.

Once a guy goes through a few seduction community classes, he begins to fancy himself an expert on all affairs of the heart.

It’s normal to be enthusiastic about a new subject you’re getting your feet wet in. It’s a whole other thing to start lecturing everyone around you about what they need to do to make their lives better.

3. Exaggerating the advice.

A lot of the advice in the seduction community is on how to be “high status,” “high value” or even an “alpha male.”

This leads to a lot of men not acting high status, high value or alpha. Instead, they act like a caricature of how they think these types would behave.

You’re going to see a lot of arrogant behavior, even toward your friends. They can’t take jokes anymore. They can’t admit mistakes. They end up being even more socially inept than they were before.

“Rather than learning tricks to get women into

bed, the trick is better communication skills.”

4. Bad relationships with other men.

A lot of times you end up ruining your relationships with other men.

I’m going to put forward a radical proposition: No social dynamics coaching is worth anything if it doesn’t also lead to an increased quality in the types of relationships you have with other men.

But guys coming out of the seduction community tend to look down on “AFCs,” become highly competitive with guys who are good with women but aren’t part of “the community” and see guys who are good with women both in and out of the community as a means to an end and seeing our friends as “social proof.”

The community can give you a very warped perception of how to value other people.

5. Focusing on cheap gimmicks.

I have a joke that The Art of Charm isn’t a PUA academy because we don’t tell guys to wear a fuzzy white hat and tell women they’re fat.

This is because a lot of the PUA approach uses gimmicks and tricks to get (mostly low-value) women to like you.

Why do you want a woman to like a set of gimmicks? Why don’t you want a woman to like you for who you are?

6. Trading one set of wrong ideas for another.

Before getting into the seduction community, men often see women as special creatures that need to be loved, saved and put on a pedestal – creatures that don’t like sex and only like nice guys.

When they become part of the seduction community, they start seeing women as flaky, emotionally unstable, illogical, fickle, self-centered and going out mostly to find validation from men.

Both approaches to women are equally misguided.

7. So what’s the answer?

I’d argue rather than trying to learn a bunch of new jargon and tricks to get women into bed, the trick is to cultivate self-esteem and better communication skills across the board.

This will not only help you to get the girl, but it will also allow you to live out your dreams.

Fellas, do you think pickup artist techniques work? Share your opinion in the comments section!

Photo source: collegecandy.wordpress.com.

The good news is if you put a little effort into it, it’s easy. How? Be interested and, more than that, be interesting!

So many women think they should dumb themselves down on the first date, be agreeable, be nice, nod a lot, not reveal too much…be vanilla.

No. No. No. That’s exactly what NOT to do, unless you’re OK simply blending in and being one of the many fish.

I’m going to let you in on what you should do instead. But first, let’s start with the DON’TS.

1. Don’t be a wallflower

Don’t be a nod-and-smile girl giving one-word answers and avoiding going into detail.

2. Don’t let him be the one with the stories.

Don’t let him be the one with all the charisma and personality. This is the potential bud of a relationship – a partnership.

Regardless of your age, social status, education, life experience (and I’m not saying they are lower), you are also interesting, you have a perspective, you have insight and an opinion. Share it!

3. Don’t be a know-it-all either.

You aren’t trying to one-up each other. This isn’t a competition.

This is a conversation and conversations are give and take, reciprocal and equal.

“Just like with any conversation,

be aware of your audience.”

Now for the DO’s.

1. Bring something to the table – you.

Be interested in what he has to say. Be interesting so he is interested in what you have to say.

If he really doesn’t care about your point of view, if he blows off your contribution to the conversation, if he zones out when it’s your turn to talk, he’s not the guy for you.

Interested:

He is interested in you, what you have to say, what you do, who you are as a human.

Why does this matter? Because he makes you feel important, which helps to boost your self-esteem and makes you want to continue to do interesting things and be an interesting human.

It also makes you feel like you aren’t in a one-sided relationship with an egomaniac that loves to be interesting, but not so interested in you.

Interesting:

He is interesting. He does mind expanding things. He goes to eye-opening places. He has a career you find intellectually stimulating and you actually want to talk and inquire about.

He enjoys activities (that you can be incorporated in) that challenge and excite you. He has personal passions you also find inspiring and would enjoy exploring.

Not sure what you bring to the table?

Before your date, think about interesting stories, lessons, experience, classes, places, foods, bits of knowledge that make you different or interesting.

What do they say about you? How have they helped mold you? How do they express your perspective?

Write them down so you remember them (obviously don’t read them out loud).

Still not sure? Here are some starters…

TRAVEL:

Where have you traveled? What did you see? What did you learn? What was your takeaway from those experiences?

Dig deeper than, “I went to Mexico and had so much fun! We lied out on the beach all day and went to such fun parties at night!”

Come on now…that isn’t that interesting. You have more depth. Dig it out.

SPORTS:

Is there a sport you are enthusiastic about, that you are involved in, that you follow? Were you a competitive ice skater from the age of six? Great!

What did you learn from that experience? Did waking up at 5 a.m. and heading to the rink each morning teach you about being a self-starter, being competitive with yourself, learning grace and poise?

Because you spent your childhood at the rink, did you also watch the local hockey team practice between your figure skating sessions? Do you love hockey because of the nostalgic feeling it brings you?

MOVIES:

Are you a movie buff with a passion for cult films? Have you seen “Rocky Horror Picture Show” 35 times and memorized all the lines?

What is it about the show that outsiders don’t know? Do you have a passion for drive-in movie theaters, not just for the movie-watching experience, but for the nostalgia?

FOOD, WINE & SPIRITS:

Are you a “foodie”? Are you knowledgeable about wine and cocktails? Have you met chefs, hung out with cheese mongers, bonded with pastry chefs, spent weekends with winemakers, been to their wineries and watched the process from grape to cask to glass?

Have you traveled to eat, discovered coveted dives and dined with celebrity chefs in their personal at-home gardens? Have you been on a white truffle hunt in Alba, Italy and blackberry picking in Arkansas?

What about cocktails? Are you into the herbaceous cocktail trend of putting savory herbs like thyme, oregano and jalapeno into your mixes? Why do you think the trend has come to this?

Do you have your own cocktail windowsill garden? How did you become interested in and learn about food, wine and spirits?

It could be none of the above pertain to you. And that’s OK. The point is to get you thinking about what makes you interesting, different and stand out.

Maybe have a few stories in your back pocket people tend to enjoy, get a kick out of or want to hear more about. Just like with any conversation, be aware of your audience, understand what he might find fascinating and bring up those points.

It’s probably not a good time to talk about your out-of-control Troll Doll collection or your borderline obsessive need to watch every single episode of “Snapped…Women Who Kill” on Oxygen. You want to come across as interesting, not crazy.

How are you going to be interested and interesting on your next date?

Photo source: ionehellobeautiful.wordpress.com.

This girl (29 years old) is my teacher’s assistant and two years older to me. While we walk from campus to my home, she will always touch me, nudge me or rub her body to mine.

I asked if she has a boyfriend and said she is kind of seeing someone. She asked my status and I said I was single.

I try to call her but she does not pick up. Then I ask if she would like to get lunch/dinner with me sometime. She says she is not avoiding me but does not like to talk over the phone. She also says she would love to continue our friendship over a meal but at a time she is not exhausted or busy.

Is she flirting, or is she serious?

-Al (U.S.A)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Al,

This gal is messing with you. She doesn’t know what she wants.

She may be keeping you as a backup man in case her current guy lets her down. Or, she may be using you to boost her own ego.

I’d say move on. This girl isn’t worth it. And this game playing will drive you crazy!

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

A recent publication, authored by Peter Jonason of the University of Western Sydney in Australia, looked at four different studies combining data from hundreds of college-aged individuals.

Jonason found respondents play hard to get for a variety of reasons, but more often than not, individuals play these games in order to increase the quality of their romantic partners and test their partner’s commitment.

“Individuals play these games in order to

increase the quality of their romantic partners.”

However, playing hard to get isn’t limited to singles. Jonason found individuals in committed unions preferred partners who limited their availability as well, noting playing hard to get within the context of a relationship helped maintain some of the excitement of the “chase.”

Jonason also found women played hard to get more often than men and preferred men with “medium availability,” while men preferred women with “low availability.”

While women increased their dating value by demonstrating limited availability, Jonason found men increased their dating value by demonstrating limited interest in their potential partners.

Jonason concludes:

“We all would want honesty in dating, but this is never going to happen. We are not overtly lying, but we’re always trying to marry up.”

Source: European Journal of Personality. Photo source: sheknows.com

A new study attempted to answer this question, setting out to determine the potential positive or negative impact from women using their “feminine charm” in negotiations.

The participants consisted of 100 students (36 female and 64 male) who were enrolled in an MBA negotiation course. Students were asked to fill out a survey to determine their likelihood of advantageously using personal charm in their negotiations.

Researchers found women who stated they relied on personal charm left a greater positive impression in their negotiations, while no such correlation was found among male charmers.

“Flirtatious women regularly received superior

results in their negotiations than neutral females.”

Researchers performed an additional three experiments, finding in each case that flirtatious women (even fictional flirtatious women) regularly received superior results in their negotiations than neutral females.

In fact, flirting made female negotiators both more competitive and more likable. The research even found flirting was more effective in negotiations when it was perceived to have a sexualized intent, not simply a friendly interpretation.

However, women who were perceived to be warmer were often also perceived to be less competent at their professional tasks, and women who were perceived to be “too nice” could hurt their long-term standings in work environments.

Instead, researchers found flirting as a negotiation strategy was most effective in situations that blended personal and professional motivations and where direct competition wasn’t at play between both sides of the negotiation.

Still, when it comes down to it, the study found properly balanced flirtatiousness can help a woman advance professionally in the workplace, similar to the way “expressions of anger enhance men’s status,”suggesting men and women need to employ different interpersonal strategies to gain a professional edge.

Source: Berkeley.edu. Photo source: smh.com.au

It’s not about performance. It has more to do with you being yourself and exuding a relaxed demeanor and confidence.

Those with good self-esteem and who are comfortable with their sexuality tend to fare better in flirting situations because they’re not as riddled with self-doubt, inhibition, anxiety and insecurity that could hold them back.

The secret to flirting is to show interest and curiosity in the subject of your desire. The more you validate him and make him feel good about himself, the more favorable an impression he begins to form about you.

Throwing in some wit, relevant humor, appropriate body language and nonsexualized touching of a nonintrusive part of the body are all other aspects to consider, as is the importance of eye contact, smiling and laughter.

Action challenges:

Below are some strategies you can begin implementing to become a more masterful flirt.

While you may not feel you have the natural extroversion to pull this off, it’s important to recognize flirting is a skill that can be learned. You, too, can become a Casanova and Don Juan with practice and honing.

The key is to be your true self while at the same time applying some well-known principles of social psychology into the mix to yield more positive results.

“Work on defeating negative self-talk that

might get in the way of your ability to flirt.”

Try these ideas on for size to get your started:

1. Classes.

Enroll in personal growth classes or counseling aimed at self-esteem enhancement, confidence-building and assertiveness/communication skills training.

2. Relax.

Practice daily relaxation and mindfulness techniques to counteract the effects of anxiety.

Mild nervousness can be cute and charming to some, but excessive tension can breed panic and paralysis, neither of which is synonymous with seductive flirtation.

3. Role play with a trusted friend.

This can help you build up the social skills and confidence to execute this in a real-time dating situation.

4. Spontaneity.

Sign up for some improvisational classes at your local comedy club or theater to get some practice in spontaneous interpersonal communication.

This is perhaps one of the quickest and most effective methods for overcoming the jitters and becoming more socially savvy because it forces you to think on your toes with immediate coaching and feedback from your instructor and peers.

5. No negative self-talk.

Work on defeating negative self-talk that might get in the way of your ability to flirt.

Keep a thought log in which you write down all the self-defeating thoughts you experience before, during and after a mingling experience with other men to acquire a record of your own authentic cognitions.

Work to build evidence to dispute these thoughts and reframe your thinking so it’s more affirmative and empowering.

6. Hire a flirting coach.

Yes, there are actually specialist coaches out there!

7. Read up on flirting, mingling and making good impressions.

My favorite book about the latter is “First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others See You” by Ann Demarais and Valerie White.

I just recently found my ex on Facebook and we have been talking. I’m looking for a website that will teach me how to flirt. I’m not very good at it and wondered if you could give me some advice on that?

-Michelle (Massachusetts)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

First of all, are you sure you want to become a “retrosexual” — someone who dates a long-ago love? Time often helps you put on a pair of rose-colored glasses that focuses on only the good things about an old relationship, but, for the most part, people don’t change much.

I guarantee if you get back together, you’ll suddenly remember quite clearly why you broke up.

Having said that, let me turn to your real question…how to flirt. The best way to flirt is in person with body language, giggles, hair flips and fun, nervous glances. But if you’re asking me how to flirt online, I say, stick to compliments, and if you do get into sexually suggestive language, use only metaphors.

“Gosh, I was thinking about that time we nearly started a house fire with all the heat one night” is much more flirtatious than “I miss your penis.”

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

Flirting can be visual, verbal, physical, subliminal or even aromatic. All’s fair in love, so if you appeal to a man’s weaknesses, needs, senses and desires, you should have no problem in attracting and commanding his attention.

1. Dress for success.

Men are still men. Their first instinct arises from their lustful desire to experience a woman’s charms. That’s not bad. It’s just nature.

If you want him to see you as a woman instead of as a generic, genderless human, wear a dress or something nice. If you look like you’re going to a dog fight, you’re going to attract dogs.

There’s no need to get your hair done to go to the grocery store, but always look feminine when you go out. You never know when you will encounter the man who could be your new partner. As long as your hair is neat and you are dressed nicely, that’s all that matters.

Ditch the scarf, the sweatshirt or cardigan sweater and the rolled-down hose. A hat is fine in the winter but show off your face, eyes and smile. Accentuate the best parts of your figure, and show a little skin below the knee. You’ve still got it, so use it.

2. Be a girl.

Women have always been at the top of the food chain, but the ones most successful in love have always managed to lead their men from behind. The softness and seeming vulnerability are a big part of what attracts a man.

The big eyes, the need for his strength, a smile straight from heaven and the scent of a country meadow on an April morning will make all men very aware that they are in the presence of a lady.

Make eye contact with the one you like, smile and strike up a conversation or ask for his help.

“Flirting is still the best way

to create an instant bond.”

3. Talk, touch and laugh.

When you get in a one-on-one situation with a man, that is your chance to close the deal. Keep up the eye contact and the smile, of course, but also crank the charm up a notch.

That doesn’t mean you should be phony. Your charm is the part of you that makes you the woman you are.

Engage him with your wit and wisdom, ask him insightful questions and bring out his personality, too. You are both very comfortable with yourselves now, so you will naturally be more comfortable with each other, too.

The sexual overtones will not overwhelm the situation because you have the maturity and confidence to interact with each other in a very human and casual way.

Pat his arm or touch his hand in the course of your conversation. You can even find an excuse to take his hand in yours, whether it’s to massage his knuckle joints or to examine his ring.

The touching is not for you. It’s for him. He will be thrilled by your touch and want more.

Make sure you share a laugh, as that is a good way to bond and put him at ease, and you can always suggest you meet for coffee some morning soon to continue the conversation.

Flirting is still the best way to create an instant and friendly bond with a man in a manner that can carry a twinge of romance without any real commitment to scare him or put him off.

Since it’s all on an overtly friendly level, there should be no real fear of rejection for either of you. It’s a first step you can retreat from quickly and easily if you don’t like the feel of it, but it can also be the beginning of something beautiful.

I met a guy on vacation and we really hit it off. We exchanged phone numbers but about three days before we were due to leave, he said he felt bad because I was still involved with someone back home. I then explained that it was going to be over with that other person. He clearly stated that he wanted to see me again when at home too but also mentioned that he liked being single. But I told him I was not after another relationship.

Now we are back at home and he said he was not interested in anything happening. He said he likes me but was hoping something was going to happen with a girl back at home, even though he said to me that he likes being single. He’s still flirting with me after all this has happened.

-Kim B. (New York)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Kim, this man is being so wonderfully honest. He has told you he wants to be single, but that doesn’t mean he wants to be celibate! Whether he flirts with you or the other girl back home, it’s clear this man still wants to have sexual contact with someone. My advice is to move on. This isn’t a good boyfriend candidate right now.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.