Do ask him why he did what he did and figure out together how you can be stronger for the experience.

Who did he cheat with? How many girls? How often? If your whole relationship turned out to be a lie, that would be hard to forgive. Just consider a few things before you decide:

Guys can be tempted easily. If an hour of pleasure is offered to him, he could find it difficult to turn down.

Guys can rationalize easily. They were attracted to this other girl before, but now they have the chance to find out what it would be like to sleep with her. In his mind, this little dalliance is for “before” he met or started dating you, and then it’s over. Weak, yes, but it’s one of the little games our minds play.

A guy can be madly in love with his girlfriend and still follow the one-eyed snake without a conscience into a meaningless encounter. It doesn’t have to have any impact on his relationship with you — unless he gets caught.

Guys can learn from their mistakes. Until you find out, he may not understand how bone-headed and stupid he was being. Everybody deserves a second chance.

You have to try to look beyond the deed and into his heart. Was he using you? Or is he truly in love with you and simply made a horrible mistake? You have to at least let him think that you might leave him, of course. That’s the best way to find out how sorry and worthy of forgiveness he really is.

A final word: If you do forgive him, you have to let him stay forgiven. He has a clean slate. You can’t take back your forgiveness later or throw his infidelity in his face every time you have a fight. If you forgive him, be prepared to let it go. Forever.

Abusive relationships are very complicated, to say the least. Women often enter them because in some crazy way, they feel comfortable.

For instance, some women interpret jealousy as “caring.” If he is vigilant about where she is and who she’s talking to, some women think he must really love her.

Here’s the bad news:

About one-third of American women have suffered some sort of childhood abuse — either physical, sexual or emotional. And that abuse likely came at the hand of someone they loved.

So as adult women, they grow up to know this familiar world of warm fuzzies and cold prickles. This feels normal to them, and indeed, these are often the kind of relationships they seek out.

But what about relationships that get increasingly worse?

Why do women still stay, even when their life might be in danger? The answer is that the longer they stay, the longer they are likely to stay.

The relationship becomes the thing they know they can survive. Being single and on-her-own can feel like a terrifying, unknown place. There may be children involved, extended families that will suffer from a breakup, and fond memories of good times.

So with each instance of abuse, the victim focuses on the good times she knows will come back. And the good times often come right away.

For example, with physical violence, many offenders follow up their bad behavior with a honeymoon phase fueled by their guilt. They wine, dine, shop for and express their love for their victim. And that reseals the relationship.

The key to help exit an abusive relationship is self-esteem.

Getting an education, a new job, or even a weight loss can be a great catalyst to help a woman become strong enough to leave the relationship and create a better life on her own.

Interventions from friends that offer support rather than abandonment can be helpful, too. My best advice: Don’t tell her she’s bad for staying. Tell her what a great partner she is and that she deserves much better love.

Few women really like to fight with their boyfriends, and just as few men enjoy finding themselves arguing with their girlfriends. To return to a healthy, happy place in your relationship, both you and your boyfriend have to make up with each other after every one of your fights.

Here are a few important steps you need to take to make up after a fight as quickly and as thoroughly as possible.

Step 1: Let him back in.

Men and women both love to hold grudges. While momentarily satisfying, these grudges are nothing more than expressions of deep stubbornness that rarely contribute to a positive reconciliation.

If you want to make up with your boyfriend, then you need to first make sure you’re emotionally open to his attempts to smooth things over with you.

When your man does things, little or big, to try and get back in your good graces, you need to let him back in. If he makes your favorite dinner or takes you out to a show he won’t like but you would normally love, allow yourself to appreciate these gifts and accept them fully.

You can never make things up to your boyfriend until he first feels like he’s back in your good graces, or at least has a shot to return there. If you try and do nice things for him but won’t let him do nice things for you, he will feel confused, frustrated and distrustful.

“By letting your man get back in your good

graces, you will make everything up to him.”

Step 2: Apologize but not too much.

In the fallout of most low-to-mid-level fights, one sincere apology is usually enough to earn back the favor and respect of a high-quality man. To be sure the apology reads as sincere, you need to make it abundantly clear you understand why he became upset with you.

Apologizing without directly and clearly acknowledging what went wrong will make your man feel like you’re simply saying “I’m sorry” just to try and smooth things over without fully dealing with what happened between the two of you.

After you’ve apologized for your part in what happened, you shouldn’t have to apologize again. In fact, if you keep apologizing over and over again, you will appear deeply insecure and annoy your man.

Apologizing repeatedly tells your man that you don’t trust him when he accepted your first acceptance of fault. And you will never make things up with your man if he thinks you don’t trust him.

Step 3: Learn from what went wrong.

Modern behavioral psychologists say that you’ve only truly learned something when your behavior has changed.

For example, you can say you’ve learned a lot about eating healthy after you’ve read a few books on the topic, but until you actually alter the way you eat, you haven’t actually learned a single thing, no matter how much knowledge you’ve accumulated.

The same holds true for problems in your relationship. You can say you’ve learned what you were doing was wrong because your man told you what was bothering him, but until you actually alter your actions to eliminate this troublesome behavior, you haven’t learned anything from this ordeal.

You and your man are just going to end up repeating your fight over and over again.

If you’re looking for the number one way to make things up to your man after a fight, it’s this — adjust your behavior to prevent it from ever happening again!

By letting your man get back in your good graces, by apologizing clearly (and only the once), and by actually allowing this experience to change how you approach your relationship for the better, you will make everything up to him.

My wife and I are separated. She was unfaithful three times this last month, but I was unfaithful 19 years ago. We have been married 21 years. She wants to divorce and after a couple of months, get married again so we can have a clean slate.

I have forgiven her of all and want to work it out. But am I wasting my time, or is this true?

-Mike R. (Washington)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

OK, I’m confused. Your wife wants to spend thousands of dollars of the family money in divorce court and maintaining two separate residences, just so she can marry you again? I can understand her need for some kind of symbolic ritual to create a “clean slate” in her head, but divorce is not the way to do it.

I suggest a week-long couples retreat that culminates with you two reinstating your vows. Bottom line: You two need to have open communication so you can understand why she had those affairs. Affairs are always the symptom of a bigger problem. And that’s what you need to uncover before you can proceed.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

My husband and I have been married for nine years, and all of a sudden he is in a relationship. He said he still loves me and said we should take this one day at a time, but we are still married. He said he does not want a divorce. What should I do?

Signed confused,

-Kim M. (California)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Wow! You’ve just been handed one of life’s giant crisis. The question is, can you turn this into an opportunity? This could be a wake-up call for your marriage that helps the two of you get past this crisis through intimate communication, forgiveness and deeper intimacy. Or it could be the first step toward divorce court.

One thing I know for sure, if you remain passive and tolerant, you’ll enter a slippery slope toward separation. If you really love your husband, I say, fight for your marriage. Take a stand. Give him an ultimatum that he must leave the other woman and enter couples counseling with you. If he refuses, then you have a big decision to make. Are you woman enough to get the love you deserve?

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

Let your guilt guide your conscience and be a constant reminder to behave properly and treat her with respect.

That said, you do not want to be apologizing all the time or allow her to disrespect you constantly either. Let your actions and demeanor show her the man you really are.

First, of course, you have to get her back. She might not take your calls or read your texts, so you may have to figure out who can help you get a message to her.

Her mother probably isn’t interested in taking your side yet, but maybe her girlfriend or the girl of your best friend could at least tell her that you feel terrible, are very sorry, and that you just want to have a cup of coffee with her to tell her in person.

Don’t bombard her will calls a hundred times a day, but do make a serious effort. You have to find a way to sit down with her, just the two of you.

Give her a little time to be furious and devastated. She has some healing to do, too. If you can catch her in a good mood sometime, have a short and sweet statement prepared to communicate the key points you want to mention.

If you are fortunate enough to get a few minutes of her time, just talk. Keep your hands off of her unless you want an elbow in the teeth. Don’t expect her to be able to be in the same room with you again for a while, and don’t call her today or tomorrow.

If, some day in the future, you have again earned her trust and respect, she may find it in herself to forgive you, forget this terrible incident, and put it totally behind her. Then, when you are once again the light of her life, the bounce in her step, and the joy in her smile, that’s when you can begin to forgive the better man you have become.

Here’s the thing about jealousy — when experienced in its appropriate context, it can be a healthy emotion. Believing someone or something you wish to “possess” is in jeopardy of being taken from you can bring about a positive change in behavior. For instance, if someone you work with has the potential to get the promotion you’re after, you will likely work harder to get it. If you see your sister accomplishing more than you, sibling rivalry will push you to excel and perform better in your own life.

However, jealousy usually manifests as a misguided effort to control a situation in an attempt to avoid abandonment. This is caused by “the anxiety over an anticipated loss,” not an actual loss itself. Jealousy can drive you mad because you cannot seem to escape the dreaded feeling that your partner will be unfaithful to you. Yet when the infidelity doesn’t occur, the feelings perpetuate.

While some level of jealousy is to be expected in a relationship, often perceived as a form of flattery, it can dominate your life if you allow it to get the best of you. If you’re struggling with jealousy, you’re not alone. Many women experience these obsessively insidious feelings.

If you feel powerless over your own jealous thoughts and actions, there are a number of things you can do to help your situation.

1. Do some inner work.

This may require the services of a counselor who can help you navigate feelings and thoughts you don’t understand. There is no shame in seeking help. It requires true courage. Admitting you have a problem is the first step to healing.

“Remember, your man didn’t hang

the moon. He is an imperfect human.”

2. Seek professional help.

If you cannot afford therapy or simply don’t feel comfortable seeking professional help, read books written by relationship experts about jealousy. Knowledge is power. Understanding your condition will make it easier to manage.

3. Start a journal.

When you feel like acting out or are consumed by feelings of jealousy, write them down. Keeping a journal is a therapeutic process and will provide insight into your behavior.

4. Learn to love yourself.

This is difficult for many women because we simply don’t know how, due to self-esteem and self-image issues. “If I wasn’t so fat…..if my nose wasn’t so big…..if only I were taller……” When you realize you are a beautiful woman with value and worth, you won’t feel so insecure and your jealousy will subside.

5. Live in the now.

The most significant way to overcome jealousy is to live in the now. Stop worrying about what might happen and focus on what is happening. Enjoy every moment you share with your partner until he actually does something to violate your trust.

Remember, your man didn’t hang the moon. He is an imperfect human. By accepting that he might cheat, but trusting him not to, you truly embrace the risk that accompanies any relationship and you experience freedom. You need to be ever mindful that if your beloved does commit an act of betrayal, you will not only survive, but you will meet someone else to fall in love with. No matter how great your pain, the world will not stop spinning on its axis and life will go on.

A gal I really like asked me for my number but has not called yet. It’s been about three weeks. Part of me sensed that she was annoyed when asking for my number, maybe because I had not asked for hers. I guess I handled things all wrong. I don’t know why I didn’t ask her for her number. I am not good at talking on the phone maybe that’s why. Should I write her a letter or just let it go?

-C.W. (California)

Expert’s Answer:

Hello, C.W.

Since you’re a lot closer to this situation than I am, I think I would rely on your instincts, which seem to be right on the money. All of your answers are really evident from your letter.

Maybe it would help if you understood a woman’s instincts a little better first. Liking her a lot is not enough. Telling her that you really like her may hold her attention for a while, but it won’t get you where you want to go in the long run. You have to show a woman that you care for her.

Men thrive on the chase, and women need to be pursued. If you expect to get any points in her book, you need to prove you are a man and she is the ongoing object of your affection.

It takes a lot for a woman to abandon the normal rules and ask for a man’s number. She did it for one reason and one reason only, so you would ask for her number. She was trying to help you along because she thought you might be too shy or afraid to ask for hers, so she left no doubt that she was interested.

She was not annoyed with you at all. She felt humiliated and like a fool when you did not take the hint.

You should have been brave enough to take the bull by the horns and ask her out, and you needed to show her that you had the intention of dating her again by asking for her number and then calling her. Did you expect her to just wait around until you happened to bump into each other again?

If it’s not too late, a letter (one page!) or personal visit might be good. Expect a pretty chilly response at first. Apologize and don’t make excuses. Tell her what a bumbling idiot you are when it comes to dating, and ask for a fresh start because a date with the old C.W. is not what she’s looking for.

If you are on a date with her and wish you were holding her hand, take her hand. All of the things you’ve been holding back are all the signs of your affection she’s been craving. Be the man she wants you to be. After all, if she gives you another shot now, she must really think you’re worth it.

Nick

My boyfriend and I don’t fight that often, but lately it’s because of some personal decisions that I’ve recently made. The first time we talked about it, I was already feeling down about the situation, and the way he talked to me just kept making me sadder. Despite telling him to stop, he still continued making me feel bad by giving me “advice” that only sounded like he’s criticizing me.

A week later, when I thought he wasn’t going to push things anymore, he brought up the subject all over again, making me feel down in the dumps all over again.

I asked a friend about it and he said that as long as I’m happy, then our relationship is worth fighting for. I am, honestly, happy to be with him. I just don’t like it when we talk. He sometimes seems to always criticize my every move. I’ve told him this countless of times, and he’s told me he’ll change. I haven’t seen the change.

Sometimes he also tells me of my faults, and I do try my best to change. I think it’s so hypocritical of him to ask me to change when he does so little to change himself.

I don’t really know what to do. I just want him to see things from my point of view without having to interject his thoughts and opinions and criticisms all the time. Help!

-Anne Q. (Alabama)

Expert’s Answer:

Hey Anne,

I’m not quite sure what your “faults” are, but we all have things we could work on. I should exercise more, eat less sugar and cut down on my white wine intake – nobody’s perfect. Without knowing what your boyfriend is criticizing you for, it’s hard for me to give you specific advice.

So know this: If he’s on your case because of something that’s affecting your health or his life (i.e. drug usage, an abortion), then he’s probably acting out because of frustration and his love for you. If he can’t let go of the small things (i.e. a forgotten anniversary, you ruined his favorite shirt), then he’s most likely acting out because there’s a bigger issue at hand.

Whatever the case is, your boyfriend needs to understand that he can’t force you to change. If it’s something you’re ready to change in your own life, then he can stand by and support you. Otherwise, sit down with him again and in a calm, less emotional way tell him your feelings. If he continues to not hear you and the relationship is making you feel bad about yourself, then maybe it’s time to think about moving on.

Good luck!

Kara