DatingAdvice.com » Friends

I Told My Friend I Have Feelings for Her. Do You Have Any Advice?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 24 May 2013 11:00:55 +0000

Reader Question:

I have known this girl for about 10 months now and we have become pretty good friends. I started to like her and told her my feelings one day. She didn’t take it very well.

I still want to date her, but every time it seems after we have a good day of hanging out, one of us always becomes mad at the other. I don’t know if it’s worth it anymore.

I feel like if I try dating another girl, she will get mad at me and she might think I abandoned her. I feel like she has lost her interest in me or she is waiting for me to do something.

Do you have any advice?

-Justin (Texas)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Justin,

This girl is not romantically interested in you, but she is happy to take the gifts of friendship.

You don’t owe her anything and shouldn’t worry if she’ll feel abandoned. You have a right to pursue an intimate connection with a woman who is interested.

Give up on this one, darling. She’s been clear with you.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

She Demands My Friendship to End. Why Does She Want This?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 17 May 2013 11:00:09 +0000

Reader Question:

I’m writing on behalf of my friend Sab, who is in a long-distance relationship. We have been very supportive to each other and our friendship is important to us.

The woman he is dating demands that this friendship is over. I’m very concerned about her intentions. My friend is in his 70s and is vulnerable. I want to spare him from any future problems.

Why does she want so much to have us out of Sab’s life?

-Joanna (New Jersey)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Joanna,

Clearly his girlfriend feels threatened by your friendship with her man. Long-distance relationships are particularly fragile because essentially they are part-time commitments that may lead to permanency or not.

My advice is to engage her in a friendship with you so she can see you have clear boundaries. The next time she is in town, host the two of them for dinner. Maybe invite another male friend so she can see you have other male friends as well.

The only thing that makes a red flag go up for me is the fact you didn’t tell me about your true feelings for her man.

If you have strong feelings for him and are waiting in the wings, I think it’s your ethical responsibility to excuse yourself from the friendship.

And if he has feelings for you, other than platonic friendship, then he may be sending her unconscious signals about those feelings.

I suggest you sort out all the feelings here so you can make sense of this triangle.

His Friend is Too “Friendly.” Should I Just Ignore It?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 10 May 2013 11:00:29 +0000

Reader Question:

I have been going out with my boyfriend for three and a half years. He has a friend he is close to. I heard she flirts with my boyfriend and tells him she loves him, but he does not add on to her flirting.

I don’t like her because of the fact she is “too friendly.” I have confronted my boyfriend about it, but he just gets mad at me and it ends up becoming an argument.

Should I just ignore this?

-Aubrey (California)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Aubrey,

The issue here has less to do with the other woman’s behavior, which you can’t really control anyway, and more to do with your boyfriend’s reaction to your expressing concern.

His anger could be because of one of the following:

You express your feelings in a confrontational way that invites a defensive reaction.
Your boyfriend also does not know how to control this woman and his frustration in dealing with a brewing cat fight makes him angry.
He may feel guilty that he is encouraging her (or worse!) and anger is his defense against that guilt.
You have a tendency toward expressing jealousy that he is fed up with.

The first step to solving this is for you to examine the two choices you have control over.

Are you asking in an angry way, and do you have irrational jealousies? If both of those don’t pass the snuff test, then you may consider the other two.

Truly, some guys get very confused about the complexities of female emotions and he may just be frustrated because he doesn’t know what to do.

Finally, you might also ask yourself what is going on in your relationship that makes you muster insecurities. At the three-and-a-half year mark, you may be interested in a firmer commitment.

I think there’s more to your feelings than just a spat over a flirty girl.

Men’s Testosterone Levels Drop When Interacting with Their Friends’ Wives

C. Price — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 13:00:26 +0000

Drops in testosterone indicate men are naturally wired to avoid pursuing their friends’ romantic partners, according to a new study.

Coming out of the University of Missouri, the study found men’s testosterone levels actually drop when interacting with their friends’ wives.

Researchers said high testosterone levels correlate with increased sexual aggression. Conversely, low testosterone levels correlate with lowered attraction.

“Men’s testosterone levels actually drop

when interacting with their friends’ wives.”

If interacting with a certain woman spikes a man’s testosterone, he will find her more attractive than the average woman, but when a man’s testosterone levels drop when interacting with a woman, this leaves him feeling disinterested in her.

Researchers said the study provides a biochemical understanding for why men generally do not commit adultery with their friends’ wives, despite having more opportunity to cheat with these women than an unknown woman they meet at a bar or work.

“Men’s testosterone levels generally increase when they are interacting with a potential sexual partner or an enemy’s mate,” Mark Finn said. “However, our findings suggest that men’s minds have evolved to foster a situation where the stable pair bonds of friends are respected.”

Source: ScienceDaily.com. Photo source: dwellarizona.com.

Men Are More Likely to Be Attracted to Their Taken Friends

C. Price — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 13:00:51 +0000

Friendships between men and woman are often fraught with difficulties when attraction enters the picture.

However, new research shows male and female friendships become even more unbalanced when existing romantic relationships are taken into consideration.

The study, which was conducted by the University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire, consisted of 88 pairs of male and female friends.

Researchers split the men and women up and had them complete an identical questionnaire, which assessed their attraction to their friends and their satisfaction with their current relationship.

“Men are more likely to be attracted to female

friends whether one or both are in a relationship.”

Looking at the data, researchers found men (especially young men) are more likely to be attracted to their female friends, regardless of whether one or both of them are in a romantic relationship.

Conversely, women in existing romantic relationships are less likely to find their male friends attractive.

Both men and women felt this attraction was more of a problem than a benefit to the friendship.

Also, if an individual finds a friend attractive, he or she is more likely to feel dissatisfied with a current relationship and his or her romantic partner is likely to feel jealous of the friendship in question.

Source: Bleske-recheck.com. Photo source: glogster.com.

Should You Stay Friends with an Ex-Girlfriend?

Mary Gorham Malia — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 11:00:31 +0000

If you’re over fourteen, you’ve probably got an ex-girlfriend. Any lesbian worth her salt has a few exes lying around.

The problem is too often we are so busy trying to be friends with our ex that we’re not moving on in our own lives.

Lesbians are notorious for wanting to stay friends.

You want your new girlfriend and your old girlfriend to get along and be friends. You want your ex to keep you on her speed dial and stay in touch about the latest in her life.

As a dating coach and a lesbian, I’m saying YUCK to all of this.

One of the biggest reasons you have a hard time moving on is you never let go. You break up with your girlfriend and in the next breath say, “I want to be friends.”

The right response to that statement is, “OK, maybe in a year or six months but not today or this week.”

Now this doesn’t apply to someone who you’ve dated just a few times. This applies to the woman who has been your girlfriend, lover or partner for a while.

“Give your heart time to heal and give

yourself space to breathe and adjust.”

You don’t have to be friends with your ex.

And if you’re trying to be friends and are discovering it’s like sticking splinters in your eyeballs, then you’ll appreciate this a lot: You don’t have to be friends with your ex.

The only time friendship makes sense is when you both can bring genuinely positive energy into a friendship and it makes both of you feel good.

If you’re not feeling good with your former-lover-now-turned-friend status, then get out.

Own the reason you’re not up for friendship and don’t project something onto your ex. Own that it’s too soon for you to feel just friendly with a woman who has been your lover for a long time.

Own that you’re going to feel jealous if she talks about a new girlfriend. Own that you’re not going to tell her if you’re dating someone new and that feels like lying.

Own whatever the reason that a friendship isn’t going to work, and then stick to your gay girl guns about it.

After a breakup, give your heart time to heal and give yourself space to breathe and adjust.

Friendship might come down the road, but you can’t rush it.

Have you ever tried being friends with an ex? What happened?

Photo source: etsy.com.

I Want to Invite Her Out with My Friends. What Are the Negatives of This Approach?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 29 Mar 2013 11:00:21 +0000

Reader Question:

I’ve been doing the online dating thing for a while now. Recently I met someone. It’s only been a couple of days of texting and talking on the phone, but we’ve both said we have a really good feeling about us.

We’re trying to set up a first date. Unfortunately, our schedules this week are off. I’m wondering if it’s OK to invite her out with my friends.

What are the negatives of this approach other than we won’t get to talk as much one on one?

-J. (Pennsylvania)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear J.,

First off, exchanging a few texts and phone calls shouldn’t make your hopes soar. At the beginning of an online interaction, everyone is on their best behavior and saying everything they can to make the person like them.

My suggestion is always to do a quick “drive by date,” say a coffee somewhere. If you like what you see, then the second meeting should really be the first date.

And to meet with friends is an excellent idea. Have her bring a friend, too. Take the pressure off. You really don’t know if you are truly interested yet.

Escape from the Dreaded Friend Zone

David Wygant — Mon, 25 Mar 2013 11:00:43 +0000

Do you find yourself in the friend zone often? How many times have you met a woman, became interested in her and asked her out, only to find yourself hearing her tell you these words:

“You know you’re cool, but I just can’t see us as more than friends.”

It’s driving you crazy, isn’t it?

You take her out to dinner, spend some money and go in for the kiss, but she pushes you away and throws you into the corner…

The dreaded “friend zone.”

Do you want to know the reason why you continually get put in the friend zone time and time again?

It’s because you’re afraid of her. That’s right: You’re afraid of her.

You’re not closing her. You’re not sexually showing her any interest — you’re afraid of her.

You’re probably Mr. Agreeable on the date. You probably show absolutely no conflict at all. You’re probably afraid to touch her.

And when you asked her out, you probably asked her out to some type of lame event like, “Maybe we should all get together, you and me and all my friends.”

“A man will claim a woman. A boy will be

immediately thrown into the friend zone.”

Here’s the deal:

When you ask a woman out, you need to have a plan. The plan is to take her out on a date.

You need to call her up at a specific time or send her a nice text message to ask her out.

You need to be definitive when you meet her. You need to have great eye contact.

You need to grab her hand when you lead her into a restaurant.

And when it comes down to saying good night, you need to not be afraid to go in and give her a goodnight kiss on the lips.

A man will claim a woman. A boy will be wishy-washy and immediately thrown into the friend zone.

Be a man…

So how many times have you found yourself in the friend zone?

Share some of your friend zone stories. I’d love to hear them because maybe you’ll trigger off another article or two about how to get out of that dreaded zone.

Photo source: bp.blogspot.com.

I Hooked Up With His Friend. Should I Apologize?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 11:00:49 +0000

Reader Question:

I have liked this guy since September. We hooked up once on a random night but continued talking.

I partied with him and his best friend who I ended up hooking up with because the guy I like was acting so cold. Now I’m killing myself thinking I ruined everything.

Should I apologize?

-Chanel (Calgary)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Chanel,

Darling girl, you can’t take back a hookup!

Women may believe the sexual double standard (the one that gives men points for sexual experience and awards women demerit points) has been completely erased.

But I am here to tell you it has only been erased in the minds of women.

Most men still believe some women are good for having sex with and others are good for having as a girlfriend.

Having sex with him on a random night was not the way to show you are girlfriend material.

And having sex with his best friend killed any opportunity you may have had.

Think of it this way: Would you still be into him if he partied with you and your best friend and ended up hooking up with her?

Girl, next time, go slow. Behave how you would like him to behave.

Men don’t fall in love through sex. They fall in love through trust. And they don’t trust a woman who is easy.

Sigh, feminism did not reprogram the minds of men.

His Friends Keep Pulling Us Apart. Should I Be Worried?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 22 Mar 2013 11:00:25 +0000

Reader Question:

This guy and I have liked each other for about two and a half years now, but his friends keep pulling us apart. I’m scared he will soon lose his feelings for me. I’ve tried everything, but his friends have a strong control over him.

Should I be worried the guy I love might move on and like another girl that his friends approve of? What can I do to get him to express his feelings for me without his friends’ control on him?

-Lisa (Texas)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Lisa,

Here’s the bad news: We really can’t control anyone else. We can only control our own behavior and see how people respond to that.

I’m a little skeptical that the opinions of his friends mean more to him than the opinion of his own heart. He must be very young.

As for what you can do about your behavior, you can embody what men like, that is, good health and honesty. Men fall in love through trust, not sex. And women who try to use sexual attractiveness to get a guy might get sex but not necessarily love.

And part of being honest is learning how to confidently express your feelings. I suggest you explain to this guy you think he’s kinda cool but you have misgivings about the friends he runs with.

Tell him you think they are unfair and judgmental about you. And then see what he says. Your strategy here is to appear smart, aware and not afraid to express tour feelings.

You never know. This may be the conversation that gives you a private connection with him, away from his friends.