Reader Question:

I have been going out with my boyfriend for three and a half years. He has a friend he is close to. I heard she flirts with my boyfriend and tells him she loves him, but he does not add on to her flirting.

I don’t like her because of the fact she is “too friendly.” I have confronted my boyfriend about it, but he just gets mad at me and it ends up becoming an argument.

Should I just ignore this?

-Aubrey (California)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Aubrey,

The issue here has less to do with the other woman’s behavior, which you can’t really control anyway, and more to do with your boyfriend’s reaction to your expressing concern.

His anger could be because of one of the following:

1. You express your feelings in a confrontational way that invites a defensive reaction.
2. Your boyfriend also does not know how to control this woman and his frustration in dealing with a brewing cat fight makes him angry.
3. He may feel guilty that he is encouraging her (or worse!) and anger is his defense against that guilt.
4. You have a tendency toward expressing jealousy that he is fed up with.

The first step to solving this is for you to examine the two choices you have control over.

Are you asking in an angry way, and do you have irrational jealousies? If both of those don’t pass the snuff test, then you may consider the other two.

Truly, some guys get very confused about the complexities of female emotions and he may just be frustrated because he doesn’t know what to do.

Finally, you might also ask yourself what is going on in your relationship that makes you muster insecurities. At the three-and-a-half year mark, you may be interested in a firmer commitment.

I think there’s more to your feelings than just a spat over a flirty girl.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

Even if you are in a monogamous relationship, it is important to have a handle on how you manage and express your jealousy.

Hopefully these ideas are helpful to you, too.

1. Accept jealousy as a common emotion.

It’s important to overcome jealousy as you would other challenging emotions, like anger or frustration.

Use coping mechanisms that work for you (exercise, sleep, meditation, prayer, being in nature, journaling, talking) to manage your feelings.

When feelings of jealousy turn into possessive and controlling behaviors, you have allowed your feelings to take an unhealthy turn and you need to take a serious step back.

2. Understand where your feelings of jealousy come from.

Jealousy is a complex emotion and root emotions can be: fear, envy, exclusion, competition and inadequacy.

Identifying what exactly you are feeling can be extremely helpful in getting the support you need from yourself and your partner(s) to manage your feelings.

For example, you could be feeling in competition with someone or feeling fearful you will be left.

Working on your self-esteem and confidence can be one of the most effective things you can do to diminish feelings of jealousy.

Predict or experiment with manageable and unmanageable levels of jealousy.

Sometimes jealousy can feel like a little twinge and then it goes away. Other times it can cause systemic physical reactions and it can take a significant amount of time to return to your normal mental state.

Figure out what levels you can manage on your own and what levels you need extra support with.

“Working on your self-esteem can be one of

the most effective things you can do.”

3. The barrier method.

This involves erecting barriers around the situations that cause jealousy for you.

For example, if you experience jealousy when you see your partner kiss another person or when they spend the night with another, the solution would be to simply say, “No (more) kissing in front of me or no (more) sleepovers with other people.”

This approach, while simple, tends to be more rigid and doesn’t allow you to grow as much by challenging your jealous feelings.

Remember to retain open lines of communication with your partner so you both feel like you can renegotiate boundaries.

4. The phobia model.

This is another approach that involves desensitizing yourself to situations that typically cause you to experience jealousy.

For example, if the thought of your partner sleeping over at another’s home is incredibly difficult for you to manage, you can (with your partner) slowly increase your exposure and comfort with the situation.

You might get used to your partner having longer and longer dates and set a date you agree to try to manage the sleepover.

Then evaluate how the experience went for you and if the process helped you manage your jealousy effectively and reasonably or not.

This approach is complex, takes time and constant communication with your partner(s) and requires that you engage in conscious self-awareness and self-growth.

If you are the one with a jealous partner, ask your partner exactly what is bothering them so you can give them the best support possible.

Support can take the form of emotional reassurance, physical or sexual intimacy, date nights or being open to renegotiating boundaries.

Many excellent and extensive guides to managing jealousy in open relationships exist, and I encourage you to start with Tristan Taormino’s “Opening Up” and Kathy Labriola’s “Love in Abundance.”

Readers, how have you managed jealousy in your relationships?

Photo source: bp.blogspot.com.

Researchers at Pennsylvania State University-Schuylkill found bisexual men are more concerned about sexual infidelity if they are dating women.

Social psychologist Cory Scherer and his colleagues interviewed 134 bisexual men and women, some dating within their gender and others dating the opposite sex.

Participants were asked to imagine being cheated on by their current partner. They were also asked to determine their level of emotion and if betrayal is more of a sexual concern or an emotional one.

“Of the bisexual men dating women, 49 percent said

sexual betrayal would outweigh an emotional one.”

Of the bisexual men dating women, 49 percent said sexual betrayal would outweigh an emotional one. For bisexual men dating men, only 16 percent said they’d be more bothered by the sexual betrayal.

Conversely, for bisexual women dating men, 17 percent said sexual betrayal would bother them more than emotional betrayal, compared to 25 percent of women dating women.

The findings, published in the April 9 edition of the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, support the idea that human jealousy is part of our evolutionary design.

For males, sexual jealousy may help ensure his partner’s offspring are each his own. For females, the emotional betrayal may be linked to a time when men split their resources among different partners.

Scherer said it is logical that bisexual men dating men would be less concerned about the sexual betrayal, as a male partner can’t get pregnant.

The gender of who the partner cheats with is also a complicating factor, one Scherer said he plans to conduct additional research on in the future.

Source: LiveScience.com. Photo source: bp.blogspot.com.

A new study found one in three people leave the site feeling worse than they felt before logging on.

Researchers looked at the social networking behaviors, and subsequent emotional reactions, of 600 people and noted negative reactions revolved around an experience of envy “leaving them feeling lonely, frustrated or angry.”

Viewing other people’s successful professional and romantic lives triggered negative responses, as did direct comparisons of on-site social activity (including “likes” and wall posts left by others).

“Viewing other people’s successful professional

and romantic lives triggered negative responses.”

Individuals also reported feeling envy when viewing other people’s vacation pictures, which accounted for more than half of all negative social networking reactions.

The study found individuals who browse Facebook without contributing are most likely to feel the site’s potentially negative effects.

The study’s authors reported:

“Passive following triggers invidious emotions, with users mainly envying happiness of others, the way others spend their vacations and socialize.”

Researchers found the primary sources of envy on Facebook depended a lot on the depressed user’s gender, with men experiencing greater frustration over their “friends” career accomplishments and women feeling greater negative emotions surrounding other people’s looks and social experiences.

Source: Humboldt University and Darmstadt’s Technical University. Photo source: digitaltrends.com.

This is the second time my girlfriend and I have broken up because of feelings for another man. After seeing a message between her and a friend, I discovered she has strong emotions for her guy friend. She said she thinks she’s only with me because she knows she doesn’t have a chance with him.

Do I ignore this problem and hope she loses feelings for her friend, or do I move on?

-Andrew (New Jersey)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Andrew,

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you and uses you as a doormat, lock the door.

This is the second time she has fallen for another guy while being with you. That must hurt. But hanging in there, hoping she’ll fall more deeply committed to you, is a prescription for disaster.

Since it seems she’s mostly attracted to people she doesn’t have a chance with, why don’t you make yourself more attractive and not ever give her another chance with you.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

According to a new study, we all tend to react with greater jealousy at the thought of our partner sharing lunch with one of their exes than simply grabbing a cup of coffee.

The study, published by Kevin Kniffin and coming out of Cornell University, asked 79 undergrads hypothetical questions related to a current partner’s interactions with their ex.

Kniffin found respondents consistently rated meals shared with an ex created more jealousy than coffee shared with an ex.

Interestingly enough, when it came to both meals and coffee, the study found timing also affected jealous responses, with late afternoon coffee and dinner causing greater jealous than early morning coffee and lunch, respectively.

Researchers concluded:

“These findings suggest that people believe that commensality involves more than the physical consumption of calories. More specifically, the pattern across both studies suggests that people are attuned to the potential relationship threat that they implicitly expect can be posed by extra-pair commensality.”

Source: Plosone.org. Photo source: thirdage.com

Penn State researcher Benjamin Hickerson constructed a survey he handed out to 175 individuals waiting in line at midnight to purchase the new Call of Duty: Black Ops game.

The survey asked questions about the individual’s social life and the role video games have in both their private and social life.

Hickerson received 166 surveys back, finding the average participant played video games for 20.5 hours a week and spent more than $200 a year on their hobby.

While Hickerson received surveys from a few participants who spent more than 100 hours a week playing video games, he ultimately found there was no direct correlation between the amount of time and money an individual invests in playing video games and the strength of their relationships.

Hickerson found some participants fit the stereotype of playing video games in an antisocial manner, but many others used video games as a way to connect with people and maintain relationships.

Source: eurekalert.org. Photo source: tokiillab.com

I have been dating a man for almost four months and he has a male roommate. He informed me last night that his roommate’s girlfriend of one month wants to move in with them. I let him know I am uncomfortable with that happening. Mostly I have a problem with her doing their laundry, cooking meals for them both and the conversations they would share.

Am I a jealous person? Is it normal to not want another woman to live with him?

-Angela (Missouri)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Angela, there is so much in your question, I don’t know where to start. To keep me straight, here are the key topics: 1. Girlfriend of a month, 2. Laundry and cooking, 3. Shared conversations and 4. Jealousy.

1. Girlfriend of one month.

You’ve been dating someone for four months and his buddy dude is such a fast mover that he’s considering cohabitating after only one month??? You better ask your boyfriend if he shares his roommate’s reckless values.

But, if it makes you feel any better, the live-in lovers have about an 88 percent statistical probability they will break up before a year is out. So this problem may solve itself.

2. Laundry and cooking.

Last time I checked the roommate handbook, household chores were shared equally. Do these guys think they are getting a live-in maid? And, even if she did choose to service her lover, why should she also serve your boyfriend?

Tell him clearly she has no business in his drawers, even if she finds them in the laundry hamper.

3. Shared conversations.

Now we get into the nitty-gritty of your question. You fear your guy will break your sacred emotional trust and spill details out to the new girl. Good fear to have. After a plate load of her spaghetti and a couple glasses of wine, your dude can easily fall down the slippery slope of emotional infidelity.

4. Jealousy.

Are you a jealous person? Yes you are. Anyone who breathes oxygen feels jealousy sometimes. The real question you are asking is if this jealousy is irrational or quite warranted. Only you can make that decision.

The biggest thing you are being presented with here is a unique opportunity to successfully negotiate the boundaries in your relationship.

Can you do it without anger? Can you provide clear arguments to back up your feelings? Are you open to hearing his side? And, if you do draw a line in the sand, are you ready to back it up with a consequence?

Only you know the answers to these questions.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

Results from a survey initiated by Knowledge Networks aims to shine a light on a disturbing reality many college women find themselves experiencing, often without any idea how to end the abuse or how to seek the help they need.

“Forty-three percent of college women surveyed

said they had been in an abusive relationship.”

In fact, according to the survey, 38 percent of the 330 college women surveyed stated they wouldn’t know where to seek help on campus if they ended up in an abusive situation. This news is troubling on its own, but even more worrying is the study found 43 percent of the college women they surveyed had already found themselves in an abusive relationship, with a distressing 22 percent of college women surveyed reporting physical violence, sexual abuse or threats of physical violence.

Unfortunately, these findings match up with previous studies looking into the dating lives of college women. These studies indicate that not only have most college women experienced abuse at some point in their dating life, but more than half (57 percent) of those women experienced the abuse while they were in college.

No survey about abuse in college relationships has ever indicated college students feel supported by their institution or know where and how to seek help in the event of abuse.

These surveys indicate educating college women on abuse needs to be a more prominent element of their experience at school, especially considering that despite the fact 52 percent of college women report knowing someone who suffered abuse, 57 percent of college students find it difficult to identify an abusive relationship when they see one.

Photo source: wisegeek.com

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.