The reason people lie varies, too.

We lie to avoid conflict, to save face, to pretend to be something we’re not and to hide actions we’re ashamed of or that have broken an agreement.

When your partner lies, it’s not always because he’s cheating.

After catching him in a lie, take the time to get clear first. Get clear about what you know about the lie and the larger context of your relationship.

Lying often happens when one person (or both) feels unsafe telling the truth. This might be because of the other person’s jealousy, frequent arguments or past experiences that sent that message.

When you acknowledge your partner may be lying because of safety and trust problems in your relationship, this does NOT mean it’s all your fault.

He is responsible for lying and you also need to actively work to create an environment that promotes honesty and doesn’t prevent it.

The words you use when your partner communicates with you can help create a sense of safety and openness, even when you don’t like or agree with what he’s saying.

Use these four phrases to send the message it’s safe to be honest:

1. “I love you and…”

It’s tempting to follow up anything – including a statement of love – with the word “but” when talking about a sensitive subject. “But” feels like a negation of the words that come before it.

Substitute “and” instead, which helps your partner stay open and know you truly care.

“When you are upfront about what you

want, that’s what you tend to get.”

2. “Please tell me more…”

Get into the habit of being curious with your partner. If you feel triggered or worried about what he is telling you, ask for clarification in a way that isn’t blaming or accusatory.

3. “Help me understand…”

Another curiosity phrase that keeps the conversation open and promotes honesty is a request for help. Ask your partner to help you understand instead of launching into a criticism or a dismissal of what he’s said.

4. “Here’s what I’d like…”

When you are upfront about what you DO want more of in your relationship, that’s what you tend to get.

You can even use this phrase to create an agreement with your partner that banishes lying.

“Here’s what I’d like. I’d like us both to feel safe being completely honest with one another. What can I do to help make that happen?”

Ladies, can you tell when your partner is lying? How do you handle it when he does lie?

Photo source: ninemsn.com.

Catfishing has been made famous through the MTV show (from the same-name documentary) as well as the Manti Te’o debacle, and it’s brought to light a lot of what many of you have been experiencing alone.

Catfishing involves an online romantic relationship that never manifests into a real-life romance because one party is lying to the other about various things – an identity, a marital status, a body type, a sexual orientation, a gender.

By now you’ve learned a lot of ways you can look into someone’s identity and see if they are who they say they are, but what if you’re already past that? What if your heart has already been broken?

Here are six things to remember to get your life back in order:

1. You’re not alone.

It’s OK to feel bad for yourself. The feelings you felt were real and it’s good to give yourself time to cope with them.

It’s OK to feel anger at the person who duped you. Plenty of people have been duped and gone through exactly what you’re feeling.

Catfishers are manipulators purposely seeking to manipulate. They made a lot of effort to deceive you. The wrong is on them, not you.

2. Remember what’s good about you.

Don’t judge yourself. You went into this situation with a pure, intentioned heart looking for love. There is nothing wrong with that and that is important to remember and hold sacred.

There’s nothing wrong with assuming others seek out love honestly.This someone may have lied to you but that doesn’t mean you’re not capable of loving and being loved in an honest way.

“Two types of Catfishers: those who lie because they want

to hurt and those who lie because they want to get close.”

3. Don’t chase down resolutions.

Unfortunately, this will lead you to frustration.

If your Catfisher wasn’t able to have an honest relationship with you, then there’s little they can give you that you can trust after the fact. There is nothing they can tell you that will put the pieces together.

So move on from it and know time is the only thing that will heal this hurt.

4. Learn from what happened.

Make a log or a list and timeline of your relationship. I mean literally write it down. The act of writing scientifically helps your brain remember and learn things.

Don’t just think. Take the pen to paper.

List the things you liked in the relationship. List the red flags you should have seen. List what actions you could have done differently to prevent this. List what real love looks like.

Your list probably includes honesty, respect, like, communication and presence (physical presence).

Write down what a manipulator looks like and how it differs from real love. Write down what expectations you put on this relationship that were unreasonable. Write down what you should have demanded from this relationship that could have saved your frustration.

5. Decide if you want to stay in contact.

There are two types of Catfishers: those who lie because they want to hurt you for their own enjoyment and those who lie because they want to get close to you and are too insecure to do it as themselves.

I don’t recommend keeping in touch with the ones that set out to hurt or were just playing a game (or are married/unavailable).

For the others, if you really felt a connection, you have to decide if you can try to forgive their lies and accept them for who they are.

Make the decision if you want to keep this person in your life in some capacity. Then make the decision to set up healthy boundaries.

6.Treat it like a real breakup.

Remember, you have every right to cut ties from this person and move on with your life.

Seek out friends to vent and get perspective. Try new experiences to keep your mind occupied. Get rid of the things that remind you of that person.

Change your habits that make you sad. Then commit yourself to learn the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships and prepare yourself to meet someone worthy of your attention.

Have you ever been Catfished? How did you deal with it?

Photo source: theweek.com.

A new study, soon to be published in Communication Quarterly, found individuals in non-married romantic relationships express deceptive affection toward their partner an average of three times a week.

Researchers described “deceptive affection” as when an individual in a romantic relationship verbally or nonverbally expresses affection he or she does not actually feel at the time.

“Individuals in non-married romantic relationships

express deceptive affection three times a week.”

Examples include when one participant told his girlfriend he loved her in order to get off the phone faster. Another participant said she told her boyfriend she liked his haircut so she wouldn’t hurt his feelings.

Study co-author Sean Horan said couples express deceptive affection in the hopes of hiding their true feelings.

“Couples use deceptive affection because they feel negatively about their partner and want to save face, avoid embarrassing their partner or sidestep a situation that may land them in hot water,” said Horan, an assistant professor at DePaul University in the College of Communication. “Using affection to lie appears to be a regular activity in romantic relationships that most people don’t seem to mind. In fact, deceptive affection might actually help maintain a relationship.”

Source: ScienceDaily.com. Photo source: visualphotos.com.

“A million years ago, when I did online dating, this guy said he was like 5 feet 10 inches or so,” said the now married mother of two. “He clearly was not when I towered over him while wearing flip-flops.”

Mark Twain once said, “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.”

Sure, there is virtue in honesty. But when it comes to dating, all is fair in love and war, right?

On a resume, a lie is how most people get their foot in the door. On an online dating profile, stretching the truth is how some secure the first date.

In fact, lying on an online dating profile is rampant.

A study conducted by researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and Cornell University found 80 percent of online daters lie about their height, weight or age.

Monique C. Rowan, 31, of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., has been dating online for more than a year.

“One guy told me he lived alone, but it

turned out he lived with his mother.”

“I’ve had guys put on their profile that they had no children, when in reality they had multiple,” said the human resources professional.

“A few guys have put up good-looking pictures of themselves and when I went to meet them in person, I didn’t recognize them because they looked nothing like the picture.”

According to Woman’s Day magazine, the 10 most common things people lie about in their online dating profiles include height (guys fib significantly more), weight, physique, age, income, job type and title, lifestyle, hobbies and interests, connections to celebrities and photographs.

For Rowan, the ultimate lie is one she can laugh about now.

“Oh and one guy told me he lived alone in his own house, but it turned out he lived with his mother,” she said.

Whether it’s telling a little white lie on an online dating profile or being a full-blown Pinocchio, lies seem to have a way of rising to the surface. Just ask the guys Futrell and Rowan caught.

Have you ever lied on your online dating profile, or has a date ever lied on their profile? If so, how did you handle it?

Photo source: literacy20.com.

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

She called me crying hysterically and asked if I could contact the local animal shelter to look for the cat. I did call the shelter but they didn’t give me any news about the cat. I lied to my sister because I didn’t want her to be too emotional to drive and/or have a crappy day at school.

There are absolutely times when little white lies are told to protect someone you love. Whether it’s your sister, mother, best friend or boyfriend, stretching the truth has an upside.

Here are a few examples of when keeping a little secret from your boyfriend or husband is given the green light.

1. A surprise birthday party.

You have to lie to your man when it comes to planning a surprise birthday party. Just imagine his face when he sees his 10 best buddies who flew in to spend the big 3-0 with him. The months of lying to your beau will definitely pay off.

2. The kids are out of control.

Say he’s on a three-day trip in Las Vegas with his buddies and the kids are being complete hellions. Do yourself a favor: When he calls to check on the family, just tell him everything is great.

He’s all the way in Vegas (he can’t help change diapers or do algebra homework) so let him have fun. You can ask for the same in exchange when you go on a spa weekend.

3. You don’t like his parents.

This is a tough subject. You want to be honest with your boyfriend about important things like future in-laws, but being completely forthright about your negative feelings for his parents won’t do anyone any good.

Keep this information to yourself (even if he asks), and maybe the dynamics of the relationship will change down the road.

Telling a white lie here and there to protect the people you love can be a good thing. Whether it’s planning a huge surprise birthday blowout or letting him have some time (sans kids) to enjoy a weekend away, the truth will come out in the end.

I don’t pretend to have the definitive answer, but I will try to render some insight and context into the discussion.

If it wasn’t wrong when you did it, do you tell the truth now?

The first thing your girlfriend always wants to know when you start getting serious is how many sexual partners you have had. So, you used to be Mr. One-Night Stand and dragged a different one out of a nightclub nearly every weekend in your heyday. You had no commitment to anybody, and nobody got hurt.

But now your life revolves around this one girl you can’t live without. You’ve always been faithful to her, and your days as a ladies man are far behind you. Do you have to confess to sleeping with 99 women?

Ask yourself:

• Was what you did wrong? No.
• Can you undo any of it by telling her? No.
• Will it benefit her to know the truth? No.
• Did you feel guilt about your past before she asked? No.
• Does it make you a bad guy? No.
• Are you going to lose sleep if you don’t give her the number? Doubtful.
• Does your girlfriend have a legitimate need to know? Mmm, not really.

The truth is, your girlfriend probably had more sex in the three years with her live-in ex-boyfriend than you’ve had in your life. You’ve had more partners and less sex. She’s had more sex and fewer partners. Sounds pretty even to me.

Still, try to tell the truth. “Oh, it might be in the double digits, not sure.” She thinks it might be single digits, and you think it could be triple digits. It’s not a lie.

If she presses for a number, tell her there was a time in college when you were getting lucky pretty often but you never really kept track. It was a long time ago. If you haven’t been too active for a while or recently had a long-term relationship, you tell can her, “There were a few back in the day but just three in the last two years.”

Of course, you can tell her the truth and risk souring the relationship. If you know the real number and tell her what it is, that “42″ will come back to haunt you in a lot of future conversations, and it will never be gone from her mind.

Every time a lotto ball comes up with that number or she gets 42 cents in change at the drug store, she will think about it. You might think of the number as no big deal, but you will never convince her of that.

“Holding back some of the truth to save

feelings may be acceptable in many instances.”

Little white lies.

There are times that “little white lies” can be the difference between a wonderful life for all or misery and heartache. Sometimes keeping life normal and together has to win out over keeping it real.

When a small child proudly shows you her coloring book with red crayon scrawled all over the page, don’t you tell her how wonderful it is? So, if you can’t really say that lying is never OK, where do we draw the line? That is your call, and it won’t be the same for everybody.

Honesty is important in a relationship, but you might have a spouse or girlfriend who gets jealous unreasonably when you travel with a certain co-worker. Perhaps she will make life unbearable for the whole night if she knows you were at the bar with Jake, who she can’t stand.

Tranquility and functionality are also important to a relationship. Sometimes you have to choose between honesty and peace.

Mental reservation.

“Does this dress make me look fat, honey?” Well, honestly she looks like a beach ball in a carnival tent. Still, you can truthfully answer, “No, dear, it most certainly does not.” The part you say silently in your mind afterwards is, “It’s those 15 cheeseburgers you eat every week that make you look fat. The dress has nothing to do with it.”

It’s called “mental reservation,” and they even taught it in Sunday school as a way to avoid lying. You simply reserve a portion of the answer in your mind. It’s the truth and nothing but the truth — just not the whole truth. But it’s really not a lie.

We can never really get to the bottom of this discussion. Every situation is different, every relationship is different, and every person’s moral compass is a little different, too. The best advice is not to do something you might have to lie about.

Bad actions covered up by bad lies are beating a path to destruction, and often the cover-up is worse than the crime. Cheating is a form of deceit all by itself, and it makes your whole relationship a lie. If you try to cover up one lie with another, things will eventually fall apart at the seams.

Ancient history and things that happened before you met her might be a different matter. Holding back some of the truth to save feelings and keep a happy home may be acceptable in many instances, too. In the end, only you can decide where to draw the line between good lies and damned lies.

When a woman lies to you, she is not only being dishonest. She is also indicating that she doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth.

Telling a “little white lie” is another story. People tell half-truths to protect the feelings and emotions of people they love. This should be regarded differently than an all-out lie that happened because she didn’t want to face the consequences.

What are some typical lies that women tell and how do you keep an eye out?

1. “Spending time with your mom is great.”

A report by iVillage, a women’s-interest website, indicated that 51 percent of women said they’d rather stay home and clean the house than listen to their mother-in-laws talk. Ouch!

When your lady says she loves your mom, always second guess her intentions.

“It could be as silly as, ‘No, really, I like pork rinds.’”

2. “I’m not mad at you.”

Call BS on this one. Women think their guy should have a supersonic case of ESP and be able to decipher what they meant opposed to what they said. If she tells you she’s not mad at you, then she probably is.

3. “It was on sale.”

If she has to convince you (and most likely herself) that an item was worth purchasing, then she probably knows she shouldn’t have bought it.

Let’s do the math: A sweater was originally $1,000. It was on sale for $500 and then an extra $250 off for a holiday weekend sale. You see it’s as if she spent $250 on a sweater. She sees it as she bought a sweater and saved the household $750.

There are literally thousands of lies women tell their boyfriends and husbands. When it seems like she’s trying to convince herself of something, then it’s fishy. If her actions don’t meet her words, then something’s fishy.

Good luck and stay vigilant. It could be as silly as, “No, really, I like pork rinds” to “My period’s always sporadic.”

If her breakup with her ex is relatively recent, she is going to spend time thinking about the relationship. She still has issues to resolve. Why did they breakup? What did she do wrong? That sort of thing. If she walked out because he was unfaithful, he might be trying to fight or grovel his way back. It’s best not to get involved on the rebound.

There’s a reason you think she might be lying. It could be that you are just an untrusting and unreasonably jealous guy. Or it could be because of the symptoms she is exhibiting.

The best indication that her heart does not belong to only you is to notice if her body seems to be all yours.

If she is distant, avoids eye contact, kisses her hand and then plants the fake kiss on you with her hand, ends make-out sessions more quickly than before, has to jump up off the couch when you start getting romantic, or is not totally “present” during sex, you might have a problem.

The best way to find out the real truth about your girlfriend and her ex is to ask her.

Her words might be telling you that she is finished with him, but her mood or tears or temper are telling you something else. Sit down and have a talk. You will have to be supportive and not make accusations. Ask her if she needs a little rope or what you can do to make things better.

Communication is the key to so many aspects of a relationship. But communication only works when it is positive, supportive and non-confrontational.

If her breakup with her ex is relatively recent, she is going to spend time thinking about the relationship. She still has issues to resolve. Why did they breakup? What did she do wrong? That sort of thing. If she walked out because he was unfaithful, he might be trying to fight or grovel his way back. It’s best not to get involved on the rebound.

There’s a reason you think she might be lying. It could be that you are just an untrusting and unreasonably jealous guy. Or it could be because of the symptoms she is exhibiting.

The best indication that her heart does not belong to only you is to notice if her body seems to be all yours.

If she is distant, avoids eye contact, ends make-out sessions more quickly than before, jumps off the couch when you start getting romantic, or is not totally “present” during sex, you might have a problem.

The best way to find out the real truth about your girlfriend and her ex is to ask her.

Her words might be telling you she is finished with him, but her mood or tears or temper are telling you something else. Sit down and have a talk. You will have to be supportive and not make accusations. Ask her if she needs a little rope or what you can do to make things better.

Communication is the key to so many aspects of a relationship. But communication only works when it is positive, supportive and non-confrontational.