I am a 36-year-old single woman. I am eagerly looking for a husband and am having a challenging time of it.

In the meantime, is it a bad idea to engage in casual sex with men I am physically attracted to? For instance, I have a “friend” I have been “booty calling” with for five years.

Do you think this is negatively impacting my chances of finding my long-term/forever guy?

-Catherine (Maine)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Catherine,

In a word, yes.

Every relationship we have affects every relationship in our future. When you are hooking up with your friend, you are training your body and mind to NOT bond.

Your body excretes oxytocin, the bonding hormone, during female orgasm and if you are having sex with someone you don’t want to bond with, your brain works hard to practice disassociation that can become habit.

You can train your body for anything. But the only way to train for monogamy is to abstain or be monogamous.

Also, when you engage in casual sex, you are surrounding yourself with a certain segment of the dating pool who prefer short-term relationships.

It’s very hard to attract men who are able and willing to commit when you are hanging out with players and those who can’t commit. That kind of man brings a certain anxiety that feels exciting, one that a commitment-oriented man won’t.

Don’t get attracted to intensity over intimacy. And you can’t have it both ways.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

Conducted by Michigan State University, the study finds married men are happier once they’ve settled down than they would have been had they remained single in the first place.

Researchers interviewed 1,366 people both before and after tying the knot. A control group was used for comparison, alike in every demographic except marital status.

According to Stevie C.Y. Yap, of the MSU Psychology Department, the difference isn’t measured against how happy participants were when single but how happy they would likely have been had they remained unwed.

“Men are happier once they’ve settled

down than had they remained single.”

“People, on average, aren’t happier following marriage than they were before marriage, but they are happier than they would have been if they stayed single,” Yap said.

“Just being in a well-adjusted, long-term romantic partnership with someone may be the underlying mechanism,” he explained. “It may not have to do with the marriage itself, but the fact that you step up to the altar and say ‘I do.’”

Research has also shown many people have a baseline level of happiness they eventually return to after positive spikes, according to psychologist Marsha Lucas.

“During early romance, we’re getting all kinds of great, pleasurable experiences that are giving us a bit of a hit of dopamine,” she said. “After you’re married and the thrill has settled, those big, constant hits of dopamine taper off, and like coming down from a high, it can feel like a huge letdown.”

For couples on a happiness downswing, Lucas recommends openly communicating each other’s expectations and learning to balance each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

“The good news is that the two of you are in it as a team,” she said.

Source: Michigan State University. Photo source: cheyenneschultz.com.

Society loves to share everything and things that used to be more private, like a marriage proposal, are now more flashy and grand.

The standards for proposals have been raised. You can either do something she will love to brag about or you can do something she will be embarrassed to mention.

It’s not difficult to create a great marriage proposal. Just make sure to keep several things in mind.

1. Make the proposal about her.

As a proposal planner, one thing I always tell my clients is they must make sure the proposal is all about her.

If you love hiking and she only goes for you, you shouldn’t propose at the top of a long hike. Think about her likes.

If you make the proposal all about her, she will feel enamored with the situation because you took the effort to make her feel special.

2. Add elements of romance.

Romance to some guys may seem like a foreign language but it’s really not that hard.

There are certain things that are always romantic and if you incorporate these things into your proposal, you will be set.

Try adding flowers, candles, a violinist and personalized love notes. Create a main theme to your proposal, such as a day at the park, then add these elements to create a natural flow with romance.

“If you make the proposal about

her, she will feel enamored.”

3. Create surprise AND anticipation.

Most guys want to create a surprise proposal. However, sometimes they go too far in thinking if they do something out of their norm, she will know it’s leading to the proposal and the surprise will be ruined.

I guarantee you even if she does suspect a proposal, she will never truly know until you actually do it.

The fact she suspects it will only add anticipation to the moment and will make the actual proposal even more meaningful.

Try to go for the surprise element, but don’t worry if she suspects it because it will only add to the final moment.

4. Document your proposal.

Because social media is so large now and everyone loves sharing, you should absolutely document your proposal.

Either photo or video will work. Now you will have something to share right away and will have a nice keepsake to reminisce on for years to come.

Guys, are you planning on proposing soon? How are you going to make it a proposal she will brag about to her family and friends?

Photo source: istockhphoto.com.

But if you’re looking for lessons in the “romance and demise” of this celebrity couple, the pitfalls all lie in the numbers:

Six.

Six is the number of months the star power couple dated before they became engaged.

Subtract the number of days they were apart due to their professional traveling schedules and you can get a picture of what a whirlwind romance this was.

I usually suggest a couple dates for at least a year and lives in the same city during that year before becoming engaged.

Twenty.

That’s the number of carats in the engagement ring Kris gave Kim.

While it might be easy to assume the bigger the ring, the bigger the commitment, the reverse often proves true.

Couples with the most insecure attachment tend to attach big-ticket items to their romance as a way to compensate.

“Marriage is a big deal. It involves emotional

commitment, sexual exclusivity and financial risks.”

10 million.

This is the reported cost of the wedding. Of course, rumor has it since most of the televised extravaganza was sponsored, this bride and groom made money on the event.

But for the rest of us, know this: Sometimes a large public wedding with considerable financial sacrifice is a compensation for the insecurity of the bond.

Seventy-two.

That’s the number of days the marriage lasted.

Unless there is something toxic, like drug abuse or violence, newlyweds should test drive a marriage for at least a year before even considering separation. And if there are bumps, a professional therapist should be on hand to help steer the ship.

These two chose to do neither. And the rumor mill is buzzing that infidelity was part of their short-lived union – another predictor of divorce.

536.

That’s the number of days in divorce court that it took the couple to detangle from their short-lived bliss. It took seven and a half times longer to divorce than to be married.

Lesson for all: Marriage is a big deal. It involves emotional commitment, sexual exclusivity and financial risks. It is not something to be taken lightly or something done for commercial purposes.

Interestingly enough, one of the biggest benefits of marriage is children produced by marital unions tend to do better. Kim seems to be breaking that rule, too.

What do you think of the Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries divorce?

Photo source: nydailynews.com.

They specifically explain marriage is not what they expected it to be.

They have fantasies of a 50/50 household where the husband and wife share responsibilities, visions of a fulfilled and passionate sex life, thoughts of a best bud to share one’s daily aggravations and joys with and financial stability.

Only they discover marriage far too often does not meet up to those beliefs (aka expectations).

Expectations are simply a set of hopes one assumed would come true based on a combination platter of:

A. What we witnessed and what was lacking between our own parents’ marital relationship

B. What our experiences were with relationship interactions as a child with our caregivers and siblings

C. Our past relationships

It is these experiences that significantly contribute to our subconscious and conscious marital expectations.

Are your expectations too high?

Evaluate – are your marriage expectations too high?

If you know your expectations are “high” but not “too high,” that likely means they are too high from your spouse’s point of view.

If the pattern of communication tends to include arguing about what you want, with your spouse often reporting feeling suffocated by your requests, overwhelmed by your needs and exhausted by your expectations, that’s an indicator your expectations may be too high.

“Far too often we want who we think that

person can be, not who that person is.”

Take steps for the marriage, not away from the marriage.

Ask yourself the following question: Am I better off with or without this person?

In essence, you are evaluating if you feel having this person in your life is a contribution or a depletion.

If this person is of value to you just the way he is, although your expectations are for more than who this person is, remember we cannot change another. We can only change how we cope with, view and interact with another.

Far too often in our relationships we want who we think that person can be, not who that person is.

From this relationship expert’s advice to you, accept your spouse and value who he is, not who you expected him/marriage to be.

When you wake each morning, ask yourself: What is one thing I value, appreciate and love about my spouse/marriage?

Each day, make it a point to tell your spouse that one thing. Before you go to bed each night, remind yourself of that one thing.

Ladies, how are your marriage expectations too high?

Photo source: onsugar.com.

The study, which was published in Mass Communication and Society, found the more an individual believes TV portrayals of romance, the less likely they were to be committed to their relationships.

Researchers recruited more than 390 married couples and asked them how satisfied they felt with their current relationship, what they expected from their relationship, how committed they felt to their relationship, how often they watched TV and how they responded to the shows they watched.

“The more an individual believes TV romances, the

less likely they are to commit to relationships.”

“In this study, I found that people who believe the unrealistic portrayals on TV are actually less committed to their spouses and think their alternatives to their spouse are relatively attractive,” said study author Dr. Jeremy Osborn.

For those readers who may invest themselves a little too much in their favorite scripted TV romances, Dr. Osborn offers a suggestion:

“My hope would be that people would read this article and take a look at their own relationships and the relationships of those around them,” he said. “How realistic are your expectations for your partner and where did those expectations come from?”

Source: Albion.edu. Photo source: therapynathan.wordpress.com.

Not so long ago, marriage was a great option for women. It gave women a provider and a safe nest to raise kids.

It also provided laundry, cooking, child-related labor and all the busy work of traditional gender roles.

In 1950, nearly three-quarters of Americans were married, and now that number has dropped to about half.

Today, women have many relationship choices, and some are choosing not to marry for many reasons.

Marriage doesn’t mean he’s a good provider.

First of all, marriage these days doesn’t always guarantee a good provider.

Women are on the rise, in power and in money, so they may not see marriage as a financial gain at all.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 39 of the 50 largest urban areas, childless, single women are bringing in a bigger paycheck than their male peers.

When more women begin to see the new power man is the one who can power a stroller, they may gravitate back to a legal arrangement.

“Women aren’t as ambitious to get married

because there are fewer marriageable men.”

Careers over marriage.

The mate crunch is another thing that makes women focus on careers over marriage.

In the current high-supply sexual economy, men are less likely to commit while their female peers are in their childbearing prime.

Researchers from the University of Texas at San Antonio have found a bleak dating scene leads a woman to pursue her career rather than start a family.

In fact, one study they conducted revealed a scarcity of bachelors results in an increase of high-paying career women.

And as women become more educated and wealthy, it only becomes even harder to find a man because women tend to raise their standards as they rise up.

Then there is the question of children.

Marriage is still the best nest to raise offspring. Children who are born to married parents tend to do better in terms of health, education and social adjustment.

Despite this, many single women are attempting to offset the dismal statistics of single motherhood by employing professional childcare and extended family as support systems.

Others are opting out of motherhood all together. One in five American women in their 40s is childless and a percentage of those are childless by choice.

In some ways, this is social advancement. In previous eras, women who were not so thrilled with the thought of a tiny bundle were subtly pressured by society to become mothers, as that identity was so revered.

Today, an unmarried woman can become the nurturer of our social order. She can baby corporations and run charities — and we all benefit from her brand of mothering.

Bottom line: Women today aren’t as ambitious to get married because there are fewer marriageable men and they have the alternative to climb the career ladder and support themselves.

Ladies, why do you or don’t you want to get married? I’d love to hear both sides!

Photo source: endtimepilgrim.org.

A recent Southern Methodist University study found when couples are more satisfied in their marriage, they are more likely to gain weight.

However, couples considering divorce (or even taking steps to separate) are more likely to lose weight.

Dr. Andrea Meltzer, assistant professor of psychology, and her co-authors followed 169 newlyweds for four years and checked in twice a year to evaluate each couple’s weight, height, marital satisfaction, stress and steps toward divorce.

“When couples are more satisfied in their

marriage, they are more likely to gain weight.”

Researchers found more satisfied couples gained more weight, even after controlling for factors like pregnancy.

“If you take one of those happy marriages that go on for 20, 30, 40 years, it could potentially become unhealthy,” Meltzer said.

Meltzer notes the initial weight gain in a happy marriage has more to do with individuals relaxing their need to be physically appealing rather than letting their health go.

“What I think is happening is that people are thinking about weight maintenance in terms of appearance as opposed to health,” she said.

Source: Psychcentral.com. Photo source: sheknows.com.

Our 10 Best Marriage Blogs offer the best tips for the marriage-minded individuals. Say goodbye to your single days!

Happy Wives Clubhappywivesclub.com

Bragging Rights: Living happily ever after

Happy Wives Club is the brainchild of Fawn, a happily devoted wife and president of a busy real estate corporation. The website follows Fawn and her husband Keith and how they continue to keep the fire lit in their marriage. Fawn focuses on the positive side of marriage, and it is her mission to find one million women who, like her, are “living their happily ever after.”

Social Clout: 107,000+ likes, 8,422+ followers

URL: http://www.happywivesclub.com/

To Love, Honor and Vacuumtolovehonorandvacuum.com

Bragging Rights: A balancing act

Sheila Wray Gregoire is a wife, mother, author, speaker and creator of To Love, Honor and Vacuum, a multifaceted resource that aims to help women be the best wives and mothers they can be. With seven books in her arsenal, Gregoire’s not afraid to talk openly about sex while empowering women through blog posts like “Wifey Wednesday: Why It’s So Hard to Say Yes to Sex.”

Social Clout: 9,423+ likes, 8,342+ followers

URL: http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/

Marriage Todaymarriagetoday.com

Bragging Rights: Restoring the dream of marriage

Founded in 1994 by Jimmy and Karen Evans, Marriage Today coaches couples on how to create rewarding marriages. The couple has more than 25 years of experience teaching through seminars, a monthly magazine and a national television program. The duo shares truths they’ve learned from their own relationship to help make troubled marriages good and good marriages great.

Social Clout: 59,720+ likes, 18,596+ followers

URL: http://www.marriagetoday.com/

Foundation Restorationfoundationrestoration.org

Bragging Rights: Helping relationships thrive

Founded in 2008 by Ashley and Steve McIlwain, Foundation Restoration offers Christ-centered education while striving to have a global impact by promoting the importance of healthy marriages and relationships. The site believes society can be bettered as a whole when marriage is preserved – with a good dose of sex and spirituality, of course.

Social Clout: 2,563+ likes, 1,322+ followers

URL: http://foundationrestoration.org/

The Marriage Bedthemarriagebed.com

Bragging Rights: Real advice for real marriages

Started in 1997 by Paul and Lori Byerly, The Marriage Bed offers advice on sex and intimacy for married Christians. From masturbation to infidelity, the website discusses issues that affect all marriages. The Marriage Bed offers real advice from a very real couple. Posts include “Confessions from Wives Who Love Sex” and “Do You Think about Sex Too Much?”

Social Clout: 17,351+ followers, 3,905+ likes

URL: http://themarriagebed.com/

Simple Marriagesimplemarriage.net

Bragging Rights: Taking action

Corey Allan is the founder of Simple Marriage, a website targeted toward individuals in committed relationships who want to experience more adventure in life and their relationship. Allan believes marriage is a process and a choice, not just a feeling. The site also offers the Simple Marriage University, where individuals can take part in do-it-yourself courses to grow their relationships.

Social Clout: 4,445+ followers, 100+ likes

URL: http://www.simplemarriage.net/

The Hubby Diariesthehubbydiaries.wordpress.com

Bragging Rights: The man and woman’s perspective

The Hubby Diaries follows “One Man. One Woman. Two Completely Different Worlds.” The site lightheartedly shares the myths, truths and quirks about marriage. With recent posts like “My Loving Enabler,” this is the place to come to learn something new about the differences between men and women.

Social Clout: 2,764+ likes, 2,006+ followers

URL: http://thehubbydiaries.wordpress.com/

Stupendous Marriagestupendousmarriage.com

Bragging Rights: Teaching from experience

After six years of marriage, Stu and Lisa Gray hit rock bottom in their relationship. It took the couple a lot of time and energy to strengthen their union and get it back on track. The outcome is Stupendous Marriage, a website launched in April 2011 that features valuable information like a weekly podcast, practical tips and honest conversations focused on a sound and healthy marriage.

Social Clout: 3,003+ followers, 263+ likes

URL: http://www.stupendousmarriage.com/

The Generous Wifethe-generous-wife.com

Bragging Rights: It’s about the little things

The Generous Wife is a website dedicated to encouraging women to work on building their marriages. Chock full of personalized tips, creator Lori says the site is a “daily reminder to grow your marriage.” Lori’s blog is the counterpart to her husband Paul’s “Generous Husband” site. Lori teaches readers to focus on the bigger picture of their marriage.

Social Clout: 3,847+ likes, 2,944+ followers

URL: http://www.the-generous-wife.com/

One Extraordinary Marriageoneextraordinarymarriage.com

Bragging Rights: Covers every topic

Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo are One Extraordinary Marriage. The couple’s website features podcasts as well as daily, weekly and monthly sex challenges. Focused on creating a dialogue with their audience, the duo covers the gamut from morning breath to in-laws and urges couples to implement little changes into their marriage.

Social Clout: 2,797+ likes, 2,717+ followers

URL: http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/

Featured photo source: futurity.org.

Researchers found 74 percent of women ages 15 to 44 have lived with a man before marriage by the time they’re 30, compared to 26 percent of women by the time they’re 20.

The study consisted of interviews from 12,279 women between 2006 and 2010 and also included data from previous reports in 1995 and 2002.

Researchers found 48 percent of women from 2006 to 2010 moved in with a man prior to marriage, up from 43 percent in 2002 and 34 percent in 1995.

Forty percent of those relationships became marriages after three years and about 32 percent continued as cohabitations.

“Seventy-four percent of women ages 15 to 44 have

lived with a man by the time they’re 30.”

What’s more, these relationships are lasting longer than they used to. The average cohabitation relationship now lasts 22 months versus 13 months back in 1995.

The study found 20 percent of women cohabitating outside of marriage get pregnant within the first year.

About 25 percent of births from women ages 15 to 44 occurred while they were cohabitating, up from 14 percent in 2002.

“One take on these data would be that cohabitating families are choosing to stay together, they are becoming more committed and they are seeing their families, many with children, as a legitimate family form and are feeling less pressure to marry. It’s the new normal,” said Pamela J. Smock, research professor at the University of Michigan-Ann Arbor.

Source: CDC.gov. Photo source: madamennoire.com.