DatingAdvice.com » Mixed Signals

The Minister I’m Dating Hasn’t Contacted Me. Should I Contact Him?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 17 May 2013 11:00:54 +0000

Reader Question:

I have been seeing a minister for about three months. He has made it clear he really only has Fridays and Mondays available. There has been limited time to get to know each other.

He has made overtures to move much quicker than I am willing to do so. He made an attempt to kiss me. I had to explain I really had not kissed a guy. I have some religious beliefs and promises I have made that make me hesitant.

He asked when we can meet again. I said Monday evening will be fine. I text him to see how his Sunday services went. He did not text me back, nor did he contact me about going out Monday.

Should I try to contact him? Or should I just chalk it up to a loss and take my learned lessons?

-Elisea (Virginia)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Darling, hold your values strong. If this minister is worth his salt at counseling others about how to grow a strong bond, he should not be afraid to do it with you.

My advice: Don’t chase him. Stay off text. When he calls, reward him with happiness in your voice.

Let him spin in and out, but you stay strong and know you are lovable and the love you will accept is one that takes time to grow.

You are in control here. Don’t make him doubt yourself.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

I Haven’t Heard From Him in Two Weeks. Should I Wait It Out?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 17 May 2013 11:00:43 +0000

Reader Question:

I went out with guy. At the end, he kissed me and said he plans to “prove his chivalry” and will take me out again soon. He said the next two weeks were insanely busy with work.

He text me the next night and said he had a great time and we should do it again soon. I responded with pretty much the same thing.

It’s been about two and a half weeks and I haven’t heard from him. I’m not the obsessive type, but I did have a great time.

How long should I wait before initiating contact? Should I wait it out for as long as it takes him to contact me again?

-Gray (New York)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Gray,

If he is the one pursuing, you will cash in your power by turning the chase around. Men love to hunt and find it no fun to hunt in a zoo.

I would focus your attention on anything else. When he eventually calls again, reward him with a happy voice on the phone and act like you were so busy you didn’t know the time had passed. Hopefully, that will be true!

And if he only texts you, read the technology chapter in my book “The 30-Day Love Detox” to learn how to train a man to call instead of text.

“What Do His Texts Mean?!”

Julie Spira — Fri, 17 May 2013 11:00:40 +0000

Digital dating can be fun and flirty, but it also comes with a huge amount of anxiety when you don’t hear the other person’s voice.

Just how confused are you by the text messages he sends? What if your ex texts you out of nowhere? Is he looking to rekindle the spark? Does he have regrets about your breakup? Is he looking for a booty call?

In a recent article on Cosmopolitan, they featured the new site HeTexted.com, which caught my digital eye. The site allows you to post his text messages by uploading screenshots for their members to comment on.

The site has a group of guys who will tell the ladies exactly what a particular text means and will help them prevent making fools of themselves by sending multiple text messages. It’s a new form of text-therapy.

Typically, a woman wants to know if a guy is really interested in her or not. After she posts the text exchange, readers can vote in the following ways:

He’s into you
He’s not into you
Verdict is still out

Example #1:

She texts: Hey you! Miss me?

He texts: Hey! Where were you yesterday? And I’ll need a good explanation lol/jk

She texts: I was being a good girl…. Let’s see, I left work really late, bought tires for my car, went jogging, made dinner, watched a show and went to bed. Where were you?

He texts: All right, all right. I’ll let it slide.

She’s wondering: How into me can he really be? We live almost 2,000 miles away from each other. He sometimes just drops off the face of the Earth. He hasn’t had a girlfriend since we used to hang out in years. Oh, he is super hot with an amazing body. Please help! I need a sign.

“Relying solely on text may put

you in the digital doghouse.”

The voters said:

He’s into you: 17
He’s not into you: 0
Verdict is still out: 2

Example #2:

He texts: Mornings like this remind me of mornings with you (=

She’s wondering: He broke up with me about two months ago and he’s back with his ex-girlfriend now. I can’t tell if he’s just messing with me or what! This is one of three texts like this he’s sent me in the last couple weeks, all of them talking about things the remind him of us…almost like he misses us.

The voters said:

He’s into you: 13
He’s not into you: 13
Verdict is still out: 2

Have you ever read more into a text message or been confused by the exchange?

IMHO, if this has happened to you, pick up the phone and call the other person. Relying solely on text may put you in the digital doghouse.

Photo source: sheknows.com.

She Acted Like a Stranger After the First Date. What Should I Do?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 10 May 2013 11:00:39 +0000

Reader Question:

I’m in my 50s and have not dated for a while. I recently met someone. We seemed to have a good time.

One problem is I was rather anxious at times. My social skills have declined, but she sensed it and understood. When I dropped her off at her home, she told me she liked being with me. When she left, she hugged me.

About three days later, I asked (by text) about getting some dinner. She text back, “No thank you” and “Maybe another night.” It was kind of cold – almost like we never even had that first date.

What should I do now?

-Steve (New York)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Steve,

The biggest social skill that seems to have declined with you is your ability to dial a phone.

You lost so much information by opting for text. You would have known where you stood by her vocal tone and other conversations subjects on the phone. Instead you are left to protect any meaning you like on cold typed words.

You told me you felt anxious on the date and my suspicion is that feeling is what’s detecting a chill in her text.

My advice: Wait a week. Then pick up the phone. You’ll have much more info then.

He Doesn’t Want FWB But Still Wants to Talk. Why Does He Send Mixed Signals?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 10 May 2013 11:00:26 +0000

Reader Question:

I met this guy a couple weeks ago and we immediately hit it off. He’s 20 and I am 18.

We agreed we would stay as friends with benefits because I will be leaving in two months for a while. For some reason, he keeps revisiting the idea of just being friends, saying he likes me but it makes him put a wall up.

I told him it would be fine if we just stopped talking so he wouldn’t get any further feelings because he doesn’t want to date, but he keeps saying he doesn’t want to stop talking.

Why does he send me mixed signals? How can I figure out what he really wants?

-Brianna (Wisconsin)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Brianna,

When you describe your relationship as friends with benefits, I assume you mean sexual benefits. And because you are the one leaving town, I get a sense you are the one who structured the relationship this way.

He, on the other hand, didn’t have much of a choice. You’ll be leaving, even if he wanted more. In fact, I suspect your ticket out of the relationship was the very thing that attracted both of you.

It’s a way to test a relationship knowing that either one of you can have an exit door at the two-month mark.

With modern relationships being so fragile yet so pressured to have sex, people often look to dip their toe in as a way to avoid a painful breakup.

But the bottom line is sex creates feelings. He is sending you mixed signals because he likes you! He is in fact telling you the “friends with benefits” charade is the wall he’s putting up.

My advice: Don’t mess with this guy’s heart if you don’t want a real relationship. If you do, bring it up and be very clear about your needs.

The elephant in the living room seems too big for either of you to ignore.

Is He Single? 4 Ways to Know

Henry Perkins — Fri, 10 May 2013 11:00:10 +0000

I have a problem. I recently decided to volunteer at an LGBT organization in order to get some involvement in the community, quench my insatiable desire to help the less fortunate and selfishly find my future husband.

I’m fairly certain I found him, and it’s safe to assume he’s gay given the nature of the organization. However, now I have to determine if he’s single.

The problem is I lack the fortitude to be blunt, open and honest with him for two reasons.

First, directly asking if he’s single is obviously indicative of crushing on him. And I wouldn’t want to suffer the embarrassment of him knowing I have (or had) feelings for him given we have a working relationship.

Second, I gravely fear the soul-crushing response of “I have a boyfriend,” which is just a distant cousin of the hurtful “I am rejecting you.”

So I’ve come up with a few plans…

1. The perks of social media.

Dating in the age of social media has its advantages.

His Facebook profile is currently nonexistent (or at the very least buried in privacy settings). However, once I’ve ascertained a slightly amicable position, I will attempt to Facebook friend him.

My only hope is he displays his relationship status as loud and proud as his sexual orientation.

2. Ask him out without asking him out.

Since I have a working relationship, I’ll simply ask him if he would like to grab a drink.

If he gives me the “I’m seeing someone” spiel off the bat, I’ll quickly come back with, “I just meant to go over a few things for this project.”

3. Trick him into telling me.

I’ll casually ask if he’s going to bring his boyfriend to an upcoming event.

If he responds with, “I don’t have a boyfriend,” I’ll counter with “Oh, sorry. I thought Clare [a mutual friend] said you did,” so it seems less trite for me to have asked in the first place.

4. Trick his friend into telling me.

Next time I’m with someone who knows him well and he’s brought up, I’ll mention, “I think I saw him last night. He was with his boyfriend.”

And if his friend responds with, “Where did you see them?” I’ll cry internally and make up a random spot.

However, if the response is, “He doesn’t have a boyfriend,” I’ll respond with, “Maybe that’s why he ignored me when I waved. That will teach me not to wear my contacts.”

And if all else fails, I’ll comb the message boards on this site.

Fellas, do you have any helpful suggestions when it comes to knowing if your crush is single? I’d love to get some advice!

Photo source: tqn.com.

I’m in Love with a Man Who Doesn’t Want a Relationship. What Do I Do?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 03 May 2013 11:01:45 +0000

Reader Question:

I’ve fallen in love with a man that does not want to be in a relationship. We separated for a while, but lately I started to ask him out. We went out once and had a great time. We were intimate.

Then I saw a pic of an ex-lover in his truck. I called him on it and he went back to the “I don’t want to have to answer to anyone” routine.

I thought if I took things VERY slow and gave him lots of space, he’d be more comfortable. I’ve heard he wants nothing romantic with this girl, but she’s constantly posting pictures. This is the second time her habits have caused us issues.

What do I do now?

-Nina (Florida)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear, dear Nina,

You suffer from that dreaded love disease I call “Female Nurturer Syndrome.”

The affliction takes perfectly rational women and causes delusions that if they can just nurture a relationship long enough and sprinkle a noncommittal man with magical fairy dust, he will suddenly turn into a solid boyfriend.

I’m sorry I have to give you this painful medicine without a spoonful of sugar, but here goes:

This man does not want a relationship with you or perhaps anyone else. But he does want sex and the contact.

And hanging around to see if he changes won’t work. In fact, the only thin thread of chance that it will work is to give him an ultimatum and cut off all contact until he promises to make a commitment to you.

Don’t worry about the other woman. She’s got a different version of the disease called “I’ll put public pressure on him by posting photos.” She’s sure to fail too, by the way.

So grab a glass of water, girlfriend. It’s time to swallow this bitter pill:

MOVE ON. HE’S WASTING YOUR TIME. YOU’VE MADE HIM A PRIORITY AND HE HAS MADE YOU HIS OPTION.

He Went On a Date and Didn’t Tell Me. Why Didn’t He Want Me to Know?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 03 May 2013 11:00:17 +0000

Reader Question:

There is a man, Scott, at my work. He recently had his divorce finalized. We talked about the possibility of letting things happen, but I realized since we work together we aren’t allowed to date.

I also encouraged him to be single since he has been in a relationship since he was 18. He is in his late 20s and I am in my earlier 30s.

I figured out he went on a date. I made a comment about who he is smitten with. He commented he didn’t want a certain person to know. I said me and he said yes. He seems to like this girl.

Why didn’t he want me to know he went out on a date?

-Marie (Illinois)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Marie,

Let me get this straight: You have a crush on a co-worker who is newly divorced.

You have stopped yourself from really letting him know you are interested in him because of a workplace rule against personal relationships between employees and because you worry he will abandon you if he doesn’t sow some wild oats before settling down again.

Add to this the fact you are older and have a fertility window to consider if you plan to become a mother. (The height of female fertility is the age of 20.)

And now that you’ve gotten wind he is dating, you are a little jealous and don’t know what to do at this point.

Do you really want to know why he didn’t want you to know about his date? That’s simple.

It’s because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings. And he wouldn’t be concerned with your feelings if he didn’t care about you.

But the bigger question is how do you flirt with him and invite an advance from him if the whole thing is illegal at work?

My suggestion is to talk to him about it. Of course, men like to do the chasing and really hate to hunt in a zoo, so you’ve got to be coy.

Use lots of eye contact instead of words. Or maybe say something like, “I wonder if we’d like each other if we didn’t work together.” Then smile and walk off.

Of course, if he does pursue you, you two have to address how to deal with the workplace rule. One of you may have to go job hunting if you decide to take your relationship to the next level.

I Asked Her to Hang Out, But She Said She’s Busy. What’s Going On?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 11:00:52 +0000

Reader Question:

I was at a concert with some friends who recognized this girl on another side of the room.

We started dancing, holding hands and pretty much everything that happens before kissing. We exchanged numbers and I told her we should hang out.

I called her the next day and asked her if she wanted to come to a party with me. She said she has a lot of work to do. Three or four hours later, I see her walking with a friend. She then asks ME if I’m still going to that party. I said maybe but never actually ended up going.

I’m SO confused. There’s a formal coming up this weekend, and I want to ask if she wants to go with me.

Can you help me figure out what’s going on with this girl?

-Roger (Pennsylvania)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Roger,

It’s hard to tell what’s going on with this girl. She may feel uncomfortable that you two were physically touching upon your first meeting and she doesn’t know how to explain she wants to slow things down.

Or she could really like you and actually have had work to do that night and is embarrassed you saw her walking with a friend in a moment of down time.

Finally, she may not be interested in you at all and regrets her impulsive flirts the night you two met.

The only way to know for sure is to be brave and ask her to the formal. Call her and use your voice instead of text, which is a wimpy move.

And be prepared in case she says no. Be polite and tell her you understand. And then move on.

There are plenty of great girls to meet out there. But as hockey great Wayne Gretzky once said, “You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take.”

She Never Calls or Texts. Why is She Suddenly Ignoring Me?

Dr. Wendy Walsh — Fri, 26 Apr 2013 11:00:05 +0000

Reader Question:

We’ve known each other for years and recently I moved away from her area. I tried not to let the distance change anything and continued my heavy flirtation via daily texts and consistent phone calls.

It seemed we were starting to seriously crush on each other. I poured my heart out to her. She ended up telling me she has feelings for me too but doesn’t want to date because we’d never see each other. I just figured I’ll wait for her. A couple days after that, I get no response. She never calls, texts or anything.

Why is she suddenly ignoring me?

-Thomas (Texas)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Thomas,

She is ignoring you because she just broke up with you.

I know you may want to keep the friendship, even if she doesn’t want to date, but the flirtatious nature of your communication is inappropriate for a platonic friendship.

Wait a while — weeks or months — and then communicate with her in a nonsexual, professional manner.

You may not salvage the relationship or even the friendship, but it’s worth a try.