Whether it be insecurity of approaching a gay man you find interesting or a fear of intimacy or commitment, these dilemmas oftentimes have anxiety at their root.

Anxiety is a big culprit in the great majority of male sexual dysfunctions, too.

Fear can hold us back from realizing our potential and can also be a huge obstacle to our achieving our dreams of goals — in life and love.

Anxiety can feel paralyzing.

The good news is it is highly treatable and you can overcome its power with dedication and courage.

The problem with anxiety is it leads a person to avoid, which poses a barrier to any growth or movement in a positive direction in one’s life.

The only way out of anxiety is through it. The more something is avoided, the stronger a hold anxiety will have over you.

I’m working with a client right now who finds himself anxious in social situations.

His biggest desire is to develop comfort mixing and mingling with other single gay men and to hone his flirting skills so he can begin increasing the odds of meeting someone to possibly date.

His tendencies toward being a “wallflower” at bars and waiting for others to approach him hadn’t yielded him much success, as is often the case.

He wanted to build his skills in taking more initiative and striking up conversations with others without experiencing self-consciousness and succumbing to his need to bolt when feeling anxiety.

“The goal is to climb the ladder until

you complete your desired goal.”

Two effective techniques.

1. Flooding.

This is throwing yourself into the feared situation and forcing yourself to deal with the scenario head on.

If you’re afraid of heights, then this strategy would have you go to the top of the Empire State Building or jump out of an airplane.

Many people aren’t fans of this approach, but it has the tendency to eliminate the fear very rapidly after a successful exposure.

2. Systematic desensitization.

This exposes you to your feared stimulus gradually as you master your anxiety a step at a time. My client opted for this approach.

With his end goal in mind of being able to approach an attractive man and strike up a conversation, he brainstormed an exhaustive list of all the behaviors that could act as sub-steps to help him accomplish this goal.

He then prioritized each action in terms of low to high-level risk. I had him draw a ladder on a piece of paper and he positioned each action on the rungs of the ladder.

For example, a low-level risk might be using visualization and imagining oneself approaching and flirting with a hot guy.

A moderate level risk might be going to a bar and making a pact with yourself that you’ll flash a smile and say “hi” to a minimum of five guys before leaving for home.

Other items on my client’s list were things like attending a business networking event to practice these skills in less sexualized and pressured environments, role playing with a friend, etc.

The goal is to climb each rung of the ladder in incremental steps as you master each behavior until you successfully complete your desired goal.

It’s like you’re building a muscle, a little bit at a time, until you’ve achieved that ultimate bicep.

Making progress.

My client has made tremendous progress using this approach and is almost there!

This is a simplistic explanation for this technique, and there are many other strategies that are incorporated into its successful execution, including relaxation training to soothe physiological symptoms of anxiety and cognitive restructuring to coach and talk oneself through, but this gives you a basic understanding of what’s involved.

It’s always helpful to work with a therapist or coach to help guide you through the process and strategize ways to overcome setbacks, which are always a part of the learning curve.

What are some of your notorious dating anxieties? What are some strategies you’ve used to try and (figuratively speaking) grab dating by the balls?

Photo source: bp.blogspot.com.

You look in the mirror and nothing seems right. You notice the bulges around your thighs and the gap between your front teeth.

What are you going to talk about? Good grief! You feel like you’re all the way back in high school.

There is nothing quite as intimidating as going on a first date with someone who seems like just the right match, a hottie who fits you like a silk glove.

Here are six tips to help you overcome shyness and sparkle with charisma on that first date:

1. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Make yourself beautiful and sexy IN YOUR OWN EYES (which are the eyes that really count).

Take your time to do this and make sure you dress down or up so you fit in and feel comfortable at the meeting place.

Emphasize the part of your face or body you enjoy. If it is your eyes, use extra eye makeup. If it is your feet, then put on some sexy strappy sandals.

Do not leave the house until you can look in the mirror and say, “All right!” This is the most important part of it.

2. Have topics in mind.

Have topics ready to discuss around movies/TV shows, books and news you both may find interesting (nothing political or heavy).

Make sure you talk about characters or plot lines you are really into. Your passion will make you POP with aliveness.

“If there was any connection at all, tell your

date you would like to continue the conversation.”

3. Don’t ramble on and on to fill in any silence.

Just look into his eyes and notice things about him from that vantage point. Silence is where flirting happens at a deeper level.

4. Give the person your full attention.

Notice very carefully what he’s wearing and other details about your surroundings. The cut of his shirt, the color of the molding on the walls, how the waiter is dressed, etc.

This will get your attention off yourself (attention that is stuck on yourself is the whole basis for shyness).

5. Avoid these topics.

Avoid discussing how your last round of dating sucked or how badly an old boyfriend treated you (the number one conversation killer).

Avoid topics like what you want in terms of marriage or kids. Don’t discuss debt or health problems.

Oh yeah, and don’t discuss sex.

6. Tell him you had fun.

At the end, if there was any connection at all, tell your date how much you enjoyed talking with him about “Homeland” or the Giants and that you would like to continue the conversation.

Using these simple tips will allow you to relax and be your charismatic self (you do have one!) so you have a fabulous time on a first, second or 15th date.

And that will make you irresistible to even the most attractive guys!

How do you get over shyness when on a date?

Photo source: welovedates.com.

Well rest assured dear introverts, this article is for you. Together we will break down the common dating obstacles so you can move forward toward getting what you want — a happy relationship.

Dating for the introverts can feel like navigating a Tough Mudder competition — initially agonizing with lots of electric fences and free falls along the way. The hope is there is a bountiful reward waiting for you at the end of the course.

Most people want companionship, but the urge to avoid the anxiety that accompanies dating often derails one’s desire to jump into the dating scene.

For some, online dating can be a step in the right direction. The problem becomes when it is time to meet face to face, it’s met with great hesitation and even perhaps self-sabotage.

Shy folks, do not feel alone. It is in fact quite common and experienced across a spectrum.

Shyness can range from mild to moderate to hive-inducing anxiety. Some people are overwhelmed with intense and persistent fear of being judged and/or humiliated in a social situation.

This is known as social phobia. Social phobia can interfere with one’s social, professional and family life. Seeing a therapist to treat social phobia can be incredibly helpful and even alter your future by learning new skills to cope.

If you fall into the shy category, including social phobia, remember you’re not alone.

Many people, in fact 40 percent, identify themselves as being shy. Shyness is characterized as feeling worried, awkward or tense when socializing.

Many shy people ruminate over what they’re going to say in a conversation, hesitate when initiating a conversation or speak really fast, in hopes of pushing through the conversation.

Remember, even if you’re anxious, it’s likely the other person doesn’t see just how anxious you feel. Just keeping this in mind might help mitigate your anxiety levels.

Shy people are infamous for being their worst critic and nitpicking every detail of their interaction with others.

My first advice is to have compassion for yourself. Keep things in perspective.

Do you critique (or notice) every behavior other people make? Probably not because you are so conscious of your own actions.

Well most likely the other person is equally concerned about the impression they are making on you!

My point is you are not alone, so take a deep breath, be in the moment and let the conversation flow.

“Taking smart, calculated risks  will

likely lead to a positive outcome.”

Here are six tips for shy LGBT daters.

1. Reframe.

What’s so bad about being shy? In fact, shy people are commonly viewed as good listeners, humble and mysterious.

Embrace being shy because there’s nothing wrong with it. Imagine if everyone in the room tried to be the center of attention, the world would certainly be a chaotic, loud and overwhelming place!

2. Approach.

Tackling a challenge vs. avoiding it. This is the hallmark for reducing anxiety.

Positively influence your feelings by positively changing your behavior. This means going to events that make you anxious, staying for at least 45 minutes (usually anxiety will reduce after this time) and giving yourself credit for trying something different.

Note how you feel before you go to an event and afterward. Most likely you will have experienced positive feelings (reward) after attending an event (risk).

3. Expand your comfort zone.

Do this in small steps. Ask a co-worker how their day is going, call an old friend, go out with a friend/family member with a goal of meeting one new person.

Set realistic goals and start with a new behavior you could begin today. Building confidence by socializing can change your view of self and challenge distorted beliefs that otherwise would increase anxiety.

4. Challenge distorted thoughts.

If you believe “No one will like me,” what factual events in your life prove that thought to be wrong? Make a list of those events/facts that prove this emotionally driven thought is inaccurate.

You will find yourself creating a new, “balanced” thought. Try new behaviors to test if your thoughts are distorted.

A hint: Black and white thinking such as “it’s good or bad,” “never,” “always,” “what if” or any other extreme statements are likely to be distorted.

Once identified, change distorted thoughts to factual “new thoughts” and your mood will change.

5. Use your anxiety effectively.

Anxiety helps us to plan for situations, so channel it in an effective way. Problem solve for the different “what if” thoughts you may have.

If you are thinking, “What if I say something embarrassing?” write out how you could realistically handle that situation.

You will come to realize just how effective you could be in different situations.

If you’re anxious to take someone out to a new restaurant, go there a few days before the date to see how parking is, try the food and get comfortable with the place.

All of this pre-planning behavior can reduce anxiety.

6. Focus on the positive.

What can you gain from going to an event?

Stay in the moment and try to enjoy the small things. Additionally, change expectations and give yourself permission to observe the party vs. expecting yourself to be a socialite.

Hopefully by now you can see how important state of mind is in anxiety reduction.

What is also important is to face your anxieties by taking smart, calculated risks which will likely lead to a positive outcome.

Doing this on a regular basis will bolster your confidence and reduce your anxiety, perhaps even make it a thing of the past!

Desensitization is the process of reducing sensitivity. This occurs by repetitively approaching situations for a long enough duration, which will ultimately reduce the intensity of your emotions.

There’s no time like the present, and what better time to try out your new skills than this holiday season?

These tips will hopefully shed new light on one’s tumultuous relationship with shyness and embrace the many strengths it holds! Have a wonderful holiday season!

Photo source: Sodahead.com

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

I’m 30 years old. I’m a decent-looking guy with a decent lifestyle. I’d certainly say I am introverted initially, but once I get to know someone, I am definitely a chit-chatter. I’ve never had a girlfriend. After a very, very, very short string of women who could tolerate being around me for short lengths of time, I gave up.

Oddly enough, being completely void of any new women in my life for two full years was amazing. I just get bored of being alone all the time. Ninety-eight percent of my friends are married and incredibly boring.

How do the socially inept and quiet meet new people?

-Not a Real Name (Canada)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

The biggest message I got from your email is that your lack of a love relationship is affecting you self-worth. You describe previous girlfriends as “women who could tolerate you” and you end by saying you are “socially inept.” That breaks my heart.

Here’s the good news. Social skills can be learned and are taught to adults by all kinds of therapists. I highly suggest you get to the bottom of what you think might be scaring off women. It’s not fair that you should be alone.

And the other bit of advice is this: When we fear something (in this case, rejection by a woman), we tend to clam up even more.

I suggest you stop trying to meet women and instead get involved with group activities where plenty of women participate. Volunteer at any number of charities, join your neighborhood association, find a religion or yoga and meditation class.

Get out there, give back, and enjoy your life. Single women will notice.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

If you need a little practice, get together with some guy friends and tell them you struggle with this issue. Ask them to help you learn to be comfortable. Show them your true self and let them love and accept you.

Before you go on your next date, meditate and repeat positive affirmations. I love the “Saturday Night Live” character Stuart Smalley from many moons ago. He would look in the mirror and say, “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it, people like me.”

Find whatever mantra works for you. Say these things over and over until you believe them and incorporate them into your being. Then get out there and show the world what you’ve got, girlfriend.

You’ll soon learn it’s a lot easier than you think and far more comfortable.

I am shy when it comes to women. How do I overcome that?

-Bobby (New York)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

I know how hard it can be to compete for a mate with so many outgoing men full of bravado. But there are women who find those guys offensive and would really prefer your personality type.

If you’d like to improve your “game,” there are wonderful social skills classes available to adults at most universities. Personal therapy can also be very helpful. And then there’s the idea of being the wingman of an extrovert. You’ll catch all the women who are offended by his macho style.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

A few days ago I went on a date with someone who is two years younger than me from an online dating site. Our date lasted four hours and we had a good time. At the end of the date, he suggested that next weekend he would want to hang out and even offered to walk me home. But I am going crazy thinking he’s not into me because he doesn’t message me on Facebook or on the dating site as much now.

Is he just being shy and keeping it cool, or should I forget about him altogether?

-Corrine (British Columbia)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

The answer is probably yes to both of your questions. It’s only been a few days, Corrine. I’d be more worried about a cling-on who calls soon after the date.

You need to contain yourself and see what unfolds before you make predictions about the future. And yes, one technique to containing yourself is to forget about him altogether and focus your attention elsewhere.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.

Now, it is important to note the difference between “quiet” and “shy,” as there are plenty of quiet people who feel total social comfort, who are very confident in themselves and who simply keep their mouth shut more often than not.

I’m assuming with this advice that you understand the difference between someone who is shy and someone who is merely quiet, and that the man you’re interested in dating truly is shy in the traditional sense.

And if your man truly is shy, then you’re going to need to take this into account when you decide how, and if, you’re going to date him.

Changing your social sphere.

Shy men don’t tend to succeed too wildly within many of the social spheres of normal everyday life. Shy men tend to feel awkward and uncomfortable within bars, clubs and parties.

If you’re an outgoing, social guy, then your shy boyfriend will probably cater to your desire to leave the house and enter these spaces, but your man probably isn’t going to be the boisterous, gregarious, social butterfly you might want him to be.

He’ll be there and he’ll be present, but you’re going to carry most of the social weight.

This isn’t an automatic deal-breaker for every extroverted guy out there. Just know that your shy guy probably isn’t going to change too dramatically and he’s going to continue to pursue and seek out social dynamics that make him comfortable.

Remember, if your shy guy is willing to regularly indulge your need to hit the bars, clubs and party circuit, then you need to be just as ready, willing and able to oblige his needs for quiet nights at home and evenings out attending low-key social events that don’t feature ridiculous levels of loud inebriates or deafeningly minimalist Haus tracks.

How can I start dating a shy man?

People overstate the difficulties of meeting, attracting and starting to go out with shy men. Yes, you probably aren’t going to seduce them by grinding away on the club floor, and no, a shy man isn’t going to be the one to pull the trigger and pursue you aggressively.

But shy guys are pretty easy to take out on a date. You simply need to be the one who does a lot of the talking a lot of the time, you need to ask a lot of questions that relate to their interests (shy people often have deep inner lives), and you need to make every move.

Most importantly, if you want to meet, attract, take out and seduce a shy guy, you need to have a bit of a thick skin and not take every misstep as a rejection.

Sometimes you need to try multiple times to get a shy guy to go out with you, or to kiss you or to sleep with you, not because your shy guy doesn’t like you, but simply because his own insecurities gets in the way.

But with a little persistence and a sense of compromise, you’ll be able to snag that shy guy you’ve always wanted.