If you’ve been having a difficult time establishing and maintaining relationships with the guys you meet, perhaps something may be amiss in one of these categories that you could direct your energy toward improving.

There are always factors outside our control in dating that can impede our progress (like the other guy sometimes!), but it’s important to avoid blaming and placing too much emphasis on the external.

Instead, we can take responsibility by ensuring we are invested in our own personal development and becoming a “Mr. Right” as well.

This is always an evolution as well since we are always developing and changing as we grow and mature.

So take a look at these four categories below and conduct a self-assessment to determine where your strengths and weaknesses lie.

1. Vision.

This actually has nothing to do with dating and everything to do with your own personal growth. This section is all about you having a solid life structure in place.

You know who you are and what you stand for, and you also have a full life you enjoy and are passionate about. You have life goals, purpose and a good degree of balance between responsibility and play.

It’s very difficult to have a stable dating life without this foundation established, lest you be distracted by a lack of direction and could define your happiness solely around a relationship – something that tends to be disastrous in the long run.

“A successful dater has good communication

skills and demonstrates confidence.”

2. Personal requirements.

This means knowing what you are looking for in a partner and a relationship.

The astute man knows what his negotiable and non-negotiable needs are and then uses this knowledge as his screening tool to ensure he only romantically engages with those who meet these criteria.

Many a gay dater has thrown caution to the wind and approached dating with a “wing it” approach or one that is solely ruled by sexual attraction and chemistry.

By incorporating wisdom of your requirements, along with your libido, you’ll be increasing your chances of avoiding heartache and not wasting time and energy on prospects that won’t lead you to your goal.

3. Psychological well-being.

We all have self-sabotaging tendencies, unfinished emotional business from the past, losses we need to grieve, etc.

Unfortunately, until we’ve addressed these issues, they can contaminate our relationships as we project these unhealthy defense mechanisms and emotional reactions with our boyfriends, causing the potential for sabotage and relationship demise.

The psychologically savvy man has done the work to ensure he is both physically and emotionally available for love and is always devoting to work to ensure this remains the case. He has his priorities straight!

4. Dating skills.

This is the stuff of social skills.

A successful dater has good communication skills, has the ability to flirt, is assertive and direct, has integrity, follows through with what he says he will and demonstrates confidence and self-esteem when interacting with others.

He has good listening skills, is able to establish and maintain conversations and demonstrates empathy and good manners.

So how did you do? Kudos for all the areas that are your assets! And for those areas that need strengthening, what is your action plan going to be to improve those competencies? You’ll be great!

Photo source: sugarandspicephotographyva.com.

During your adulthood, you dated literally dozens of women, attended many bachelor parties, witnessed lots of teary-eyed weddings, been called upon to be a best man and even hooked up with several bridesmaids during and after the ceremonies.

You’ve felt the emotions behind the whole courtship/marriage thing and endured the same ol’ question over and over, “So, how about you?”

You think about it, smile and politely give a rehearsed answer such as, “still looking for Miss Right.”

You love and adore the beauty of women and are always open to meeting new ones.

Marriage, you’ve always heard, is the road to golden happiness. Yet, for whatever reason, month after month and year after year, your ring finger remains permanently bare.

Honestly, you like it that way.

There are lots of reasons for guys to remain single, and after doing research for this article, I’ve come to the conclusion they’re different for each individual.

However, some always came to the forefront of the lists:

1. They want to avoid the financial risks of divorce.
2. They prefer focusing on their careers.
3. Sex is very easy to get without marriage.
4. They have no desire to have children or stepchildren.
5. They believe marriage involves too much change and compromise.
6. They are waiting for that perfect woman to arrive.
7. Emotionally, they just never felt the need.

Now, if you walked the streets of any large metropolitan city and asked why guys are remaining single, I’m sure there would be many more colorful answers.

Some might be: “Commitment phobia, too insecure, too much of a loner, too introverted, too afraid of taking a risk, too emotionally scared,” and the old standby, “Are they gay?”

“Many are content finding

love when it arrives.”

There is nothing wrong with remaining single.

Personally, I firmly believe it’s simply a matter of what’s best for the individual. And as any psychiatrist will tell you, “All of us are wired uniquely different.”

Some gravitate toward being alone, enjoy lots of “me” time and love their personal space. They have other priorities in life that don’t include marriage — hobbies, career, friends, sports and even immediate family.

Others crave the attention and companionship of sharing their lives with others, with “The One,” and much prefer the feeling of being bonded with another individual.

They feel out of place whenever she’s not around or when they don’t have a hand to hold, lips to kiss or a conversation to share.

Many are programmed this way since birth, yet others remain happily content simply loving themselves.

I’ve always thought of marriage as an option in life.

However, many still look at those never marrying as being a bit odd, abnormal, peculiar or even weird (i.e. that eccentric uncle or aunt always showing up alone).

Yet they’re extremely fulfilled dancing to their own singleness beat. It’s what they’re comfortable with. It’s what makes them who they are.

I have many friends who’ve stayed single well past the age of 50 and plan on remaining so. And I’ve also known several who’ve walked down the aisle, had children, endured extremely nasty divorces and swear they’ll never marry again.

I’ve seen the devastation both emotionally and financially a bad breakup can cost both parties – just one of many reasons more and more are remaining single.

I understand both sides of the equation, but many may ask, “What about love?”

All of us are born with a desire to love and be loved.

It’s what makes us human and it lives inside us all.

But for some, it doesn’t equate to dashing off to the nearest jewelers, constantly searching for the one who completes us or getting married to satisfy the expectations of family or society.

Many are content finding and experiencing love when it arrives, but they don’t need the legal formalities of making it official.

Love is wonderful when it’s natural and pure, and for certain people, enjoying it is all about an individual’s definition of relationship success.

Are you single and content? Do you know others who feel the same? I’d love to hear your comments.

Photo source: clareified.com.

Conducted by Michigan State University, the study finds married men are happier once they’ve settled down than they would have been had they remained single in the first place.

Researchers interviewed 1,366 people both before and after tying the knot. A control group was used for comparison, alike in every demographic except marital status.

According to Stevie C.Y. Yap, of the MSU Psychology Department, the difference isn’t measured against how happy participants were when single but how happy they would likely have been had they remained unwed.

“Men are happier once they’ve settled

down than had they remained single.”

“People, on average, aren’t happier following marriage than they were before marriage, but they are happier than they would have been if they stayed single,” Yap said.

“Just being in a well-adjusted, long-term romantic partnership with someone may be the underlying mechanism,” he explained. “It may not have to do with the marriage itself, but the fact that you step up to the altar and say ‘I do.’”

Research has also shown many people have a baseline level of happiness they eventually return to after positive spikes, according to psychologist Marsha Lucas.

“During early romance, we’re getting all kinds of great, pleasurable experiences that are giving us a bit of a hit of dopamine,” she said. “After you’re married and the thrill has settled, those big, constant hits of dopamine taper off, and like coming down from a high, it can feel like a huge letdown.”

For couples on a happiness downswing, Lucas recommends openly communicating each other’s expectations and learning to balance each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

“The good news is that the two of you are in it as a team,” she said.

Source: Michigan State University. Photo source: cheyenneschultz.com.

I’m fairly certain I found him, and it’s safe to assume he’s gay given the nature of the organization. However, now I have to determine if he’s single.

The problem is I lack the fortitude to be blunt, open and honest with him for two reasons.

First, directly asking if he’s single is obviously indicative of crushing on him. And I wouldn’t want to suffer the embarrassment of him knowing I have (or had) feelings for him given we have a working relationship.

Second, I gravely fear the soul-crushing response of “I have a boyfriend,” which is just a distant cousin of the hurtful “I am rejecting you.”

So I’ve come up with a few plans…

1. The perks of social media.

Dating in the age of social media has its advantages.

His Facebook profile is currently nonexistent (or at the very least buried in privacy settings). However, once I’ve ascertained a slightly amicable position, I will attempt to Facebook friend him.

My only hope is he displays his relationship status as loud and proud as his sexual orientation.

2. Ask him out without asking him out.

Since I have a working relationship, I’ll simply ask him if he would like to grab a drink.

If he gives me the “I’m seeing someone” spiel off the bat, I’ll quickly come back with, “I just meant to go over a few things for this project.”

3. Trick him into telling me.

I’ll casually ask if he’s going to bring his boyfriend to an upcoming event.

If he responds with, “I don’t have a boyfriend,” I’ll counter with “Oh, sorry. I thought Clare [a mutual friend] said you did,” so it seems less trite for me to have asked in the first place.

4. Trick his friend into telling me.

Next time I’m with someone who knows him well and he’s brought up, I’ll mention, “I think I saw him last night. He was with his boyfriend.”

And if his friend responds with, “Where did you see them?” I’ll cry internally and make up a random spot.

However, if the response is, “He doesn’t have a boyfriend,” I’ll respond with, “Maybe that’s why he ignored me when I waved. That will teach me not to wear my contacts.”

And if all else fails, I’ll comb the message boards on this site.

Fellas, do you have any helpful suggestions when it comes to knowing if your crush is single? I’d love to get some advice!

Photo source: tqn.com.

There is no way to have it all and be it all because as soon as one acquires “it,” another allusive “it” comes into play.

Today’s woman is taught in order to have security and protection, she needs to be hyper independent and in control, which are two ways to squeeze out happiness.

Furthermore, this phony protective measure is really tough on men who, in general, are wired to contribute to women’s happiness.

Men get vitality from happy women, and the effect is greatly compounded when they provide an opportunity for more happiness.

Unhappy women deplete men. If a man does whatever he can to make a woman happy and she is closed down in a protective mode, it erodes his confidence and challenges his masculinity.

Many men come to me who have been worn out.

One client spoke of how he desperately tried to fix his girlfriend or make her happy. Neither of them realized she was unable to make herself happy.

Therefore, no attempt he made could have the desired effect.

When a woman cannot source happiness within, there is no way for her to allow others to contribute to her happiness. It is a lose/lose situation.

“When a woman cannot source happiness

within, others can’t contribute to her happiness.”

We have all been in a restaurant at the table next to a woman who is down and depressed or complaining. It’s as if she’s drawing the life force out of every being within earshot.

We also know the benefit of receiving a genuine warm smile from a woman as she walks down the street. The ripple effect is huge.

When a woman receives love and happiness, all around her are warmly affected. When she is closed down to receiving, she is like a Death Eater from “Harry Potter” and makes things bleak.

Watch for women who are able to be happy as they are.

These are the ones who can access joy within and look for opportunities to grow their happiness in every corner.

You can spot them smiling as they walk down the street, allowing others to open doors for them (women can also open doors for other women) and receiving any attempt made to contribute to their happiness with gratitude.

Guys, what signs tell you a woman is unavailable? How do you plan on finding a woman who is happy with who she is?

Photo source: mirror.co.uk.

Whether it be insecurity of approaching a gay man you find interesting or a fear of intimacy or commitment, these dilemmas oftentimes have anxiety at their root.

Anxiety is a big culprit in the great majority of male sexual dysfunctions, too.

Fear can hold us back from realizing our potential and can also be a huge obstacle to our achieving our dreams of goals — in life and love.

Anxiety can feel paralyzing.

The good news is it is highly treatable and you can overcome its power with dedication and courage.

The problem with anxiety is it leads a person to avoid, which poses a barrier to any growth or movement in a positive direction in one’s life.

The only way out of anxiety is through it. The more something is avoided, the stronger a hold anxiety will have over you.

I’m working with a client right now who finds himself anxious in social situations.

His biggest desire is to develop comfort mixing and mingling with other single gay men and to hone his flirting skills so he can begin increasing the odds of meeting someone to possibly date.

His tendencies toward being a “wallflower” at bars and waiting for others to approach him hadn’t yielded him much success, as is often the case.

He wanted to build his skills in taking more initiative and striking up conversations with others without experiencing self-consciousness and succumbing to his need to bolt when feeling anxiety.

“The goal is to climb the ladder until

you complete your desired goal.”

Two effective techniques.

1. Flooding.

This is throwing yourself into the feared situation and forcing yourself to deal with the scenario head on.

If you’re afraid of heights, then this strategy would have you go to the top of the Empire State Building or jump out of an airplane.

Many people aren’t fans of this approach, but it has the tendency to eliminate the fear very rapidly after a successful exposure.

2. Systematic desensitization.

This exposes you to your feared stimulus gradually as you master your anxiety a step at a time. My client opted for this approach.

With his end goal in mind of being able to approach an attractive man and strike up a conversation, he brainstormed an exhaustive list of all the behaviors that could act as sub-steps to help him accomplish this goal.

He then prioritized each action in terms of low to high-level risk. I had him draw a ladder on a piece of paper and he positioned each action on the rungs of the ladder.

For example, a low-level risk might be using visualization and imagining oneself approaching and flirting with a hot guy.

A moderate level risk might be going to a bar and making a pact with yourself that you’ll flash a smile and say “hi” to a minimum of five guys before leaving for home.

Other items on my client’s list were things like attending a business networking event to practice these skills in less sexualized and pressured environments, role playing with a friend, etc.

The goal is to climb each rung of the ladder in incremental steps as you master each behavior until you successfully complete your desired goal.

It’s like you’re building a muscle, a little bit at a time, until you’ve achieved that ultimate bicep.

Making progress.

My client has made tremendous progress using this approach and is almost there!

This is a simplistic explanation for this technique, and there are many other strategies that are incorporated into its successful execution, including relaxation training to soothe physiological symptoms of anxiety and cognitive restructuring to coach and talk oneself through, but this gives you a basic understanding of what’s involved.

It’s always helpful to work with a therapist or coach to help guide you through the process and strategize ways to overcome setbacks, which are always a part of the learning curve.

What are some of your notorious dating anxieties? What are some strategies you’ve used to try and (figuratively speaking) grab dating by the balls?

Photo source: bp.blogspot.com.

You say to yourself, “I feel lonely.” Or maybe you say, “I am lonely.”

And then there are places that have been described as the loneliest places on Earth.

Most frequently the loneliest place on Earth is when you’re in a crowd of happy people and you are feeling miserable.

Yes, that’s the feeling of loneliness.

And that’s an attitude that’s creating loneliness.

We feel what we think about and focus on. Believe it or not, you are creating all of your feelings, including that feeling of being lonely.

When we are feeling lonely, we are running a movie in our head.

This movie has a story line that says: Life shouldn’t be like this. You shouldn’t be alone.

You shouldn’t have to live alone, sleep alone, eat alone and go to the gym alone. Add whatever else fits in this story line for you.

I know it’s tough. I’ve struggled with feeling lonely since I was a child.

I was the only girl with four brothers. We often lived in places where there was nothing to do and no one to do it with. I’m very intimate with the feeling of lonely.

You can break the back of that lonely feeling with some key strategies.

1. When you realize you’re feeling lonely, say this:

“The thing I am feeling right now is loneliness.”

You aren’t “being” lonely. You’re feeling it. And our feelings change all day long.

“Our feelings really are

under our control.”

2. Get curious.

Ask yourself something like, “Wow, this is an interesting feeling. I wonder what else I could be feeling right now?”

Yes, I agree this seems like a strange question to ask yourself, but it is a very empowering question. It gives you permission to feel something different.

It also triggers your mind to look for something different.

You could be feeling sad or angry or bored or content. If you change your focus, you’ll change how you feel.

3. Get moving.

It’s obvious, right? You can shift your emotions with a question.

You can also shift your emotions by doing something that moves your body. When you shift your physical body, your mind and emotions shift also.

You’ve heard of runner’s high, right? Exactly. That’s using the body and creating an emotion or feeling from that movement.

4. Get creative.

Get out a piece of paper. Set a timer for five minutes. Now write about feeling lonely. Write how you feel when you are lonely.

Why are you feeling lonely? What do you look like when you feel lonely?

How do you sound when you feel lonely? How do you smell when you feel lonely? How do you eat when you feel lonely?

Now let’s switch up the focus.

You will think and focus on happiness.

Now write about how you look when you’re happy.

How do you eat when you feel happy? How do you sound when you feel happy? How do you smell when you’re feeling happy?

What does happy sound like? What does happy feel like?

Do you notice you’re not feeling lonely anymore? Are you noticing the lonely feeling getting smaller and, like a burp, it’s leaving your body? Don’t you feel better?

Our feelings really are under our control. You can spend time visiting the feeling of loneliness. When you’re done, you now have a map to find the feeling of happiness.

This is a simple exercise you can repeat in your head and cut off that horrible lonely feeling at the root.

Readers, did you do the exercise? How did it make you feel? Let me know in the comment section.

Photo source: marccortez.com.

However, the reality of it can be a mixed bag.

Here are some of the top tips to make sure you get the most out of each experience.

Create a foundation.

The dating experience can feel a bit like a conveyor belt, with men passing by in front of you. Some will have an expiration date, like dairy products, and others will have a lifetime guarantee.

Don’t expect the picket fence and a puppy after the first few dates. These plans have to be built on a solid foundation, and spending time together creates this foundation.

“The best daters can still fall

into the variety of traps.”

Guys can be very gladiatorial on some occasions.

Some have a game plan that details exactly what they want, be that sexual gratification, forging a romantic friendship or finding Mr. Right.

Some guys are just looking for another notch in the bedpost.

If you are looking for the same, then great. If you’re not and you think you can change them, then you are dating the wrong guy.

Go into it with your eyes open. What you see is normally what you get.

The dating world can feel like a survival course.

You can often feel like you’re avoiding the pitfalls and traps and overcoming your own expectations.

However, even the best daters can still fall into the variety of traps. Like every good boy scout, you should be prepared.

In any area of life, there are the givers, takers and cheaters.

Life normally balances out in a karma-like fashion, but going into the wonderful world of dating with a Disney-like attitude will probably result in a horror movie.

Go into dating with your eyes and ears wide open and your sense of self-worth on the top of the agenda. Not everyone out there is a predator, but a wolf can dress up in a sheep’s clothing.

Only make the relationship physical when you are ready. You should never feel pressured or forced into it. If you have doubts, then don’t do it.

Never put yourself in a situation where you could be made vulnerable.

I’ve heard many stories of guys being chatted up online by men out of the area and soon they arrange a weekend date where they stay over.

Always have a hotel on standby because you never know when you may feel pressured to have sex with him.

Readers, what are your tips for surviving the traps that come with dating?

Photo source: 4imprint.com.

Re-entering the dating scene after divorce or a long-term relationship can be intimidating and daunting to any woman.

Even the most accomplished, confident or beautiful woman can regress to the point of feeling like a pimple-faced, awkward adolescent at a middle school dance.

To say you feel “out of practice” may be a gross understatement. It is enough to make you curl up on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while sobbing through reruns of romantic Hugh Grant movies.

You may even be convinced romance is just for the lucky or the young. To make matters worse, you may be feeling discarded, unappreciated or rejected by your former spouse or lover.

While the realization you don’t want to spend the rest of your life alone may be surfacing, you may also be asking if it is worth the risk to give love another chance, especially if you have just been burned and the wounds are still painfully fresh.

While the cautionary tales of “love gone bad” are ever abundant, sometimes hope springs eternal and you may find yourself considering “giving it another go.”

There are ways to wisely navigate through this “flowered meadow” filled with potential land mines.

1. Get really clear about what you want.

Wisdom does come through experience. By now, you know yourself and likely have some clarity about what you want and need in a relationship.

Do you actually want another long-term relationship or marriage, or do you just want some companionship?

You may find you need some time and space on your own to recover and avoid the sometimes ghastly “rebound relationship.”

“A renewed sense of joy just might lead

you to the best love you have ever had.”

2. Try not to take the process too seriously.

This is easier said than done since it may feel like your heart is on the line, but remember love and romance are supposed to be fun.

I think it’s sad when all the joy is taken out of the equation and is displaced by fear.

If you need to ease back in slowly, try to participate in social engagements and settings which feel safe and enjoyable to you.

Choose activities which interest and excite you since having a life filled with things you love is very attractive and rewarding.

While you are not likely to meet “The One” at a daytime yoga class, it is at least getting you out of the house.

Once you feel more comfortable in social situations, you can branch out and stretch a little by expanding your social circles and trying new things.

Then once you really get your mojo going strong, you can go to where the men are: car shows, business events, financial seminars and sporting events, just to name a few.

A renewed sense of joy, hope and adventure just might lead you to the best love you have ever had.

Are you ready?

Photo source: timenewsfeed.wordpress.com.

It’s a phenomenal time in women’s history when it comes to the working world.

But all those career achievements don’t always lead to relationship success. I coach many professional women to get out of their own way in the dating world.

Here are the top phrases to lose if you want a promotion in your love life.

1. “Men are intimidated by my career.”

This by far is one of the biggest myths about today’s men.

After interviewing hundreds of men, I’ve been pleasantly surprised to discover most want a partner in life, not a passenger. They want to root on a woman pursuing her goals and also feel supported.

What they don’t want is a woman who throws her success in their face or makes a man feel like she doesn’t need him in her life.

So along with sharing your professional passions on a date, be sure to share your personal hobbies and the things you enjoy about his company.

2. “This is a position I need to fill.”

Finding a compatible partner is not a to-do item that will be checked off.

Being in a relationship will require your attention and commitment.

So while some qualities from the working world can be beneficial when dating, other characteristics need to be left at your desk.

Don’t treat your date like an interview where you are pumping him for information, but see it as a chance for your date to get an inner view of who you are as a person while you are doing the same.

“Investing in relationships and people

is vital to your long-term happiness.”

3. “I want love to happen organically.”

Dating is not the romantic comedy we grew up watching. Your dream guy is probably not going to spot you across the street, stop traffic and ask you out.

Knowing that doesn’t stop many women from still holding out on their fairy tale to begin and missing out on a real-life romance.

One thing I do with my coaching clients is ask them about a career highlight. Their eyes light up as they tell me about something incredible they pulled off and we write it all down.

With that burst of energy, I let them know discovering lasting love will require some of that same faith, muscle and commitment.

Just because you meet the love of your life by asking your friends to set you up or strategically going to conferences full of the types of guys you want to date, that doesn’t make the connection any less magical or your bond any less fulfilling.

Getting the love you want requires casting your net as wide as possible to meet your match.

4. “Right now, I’m just really busy with work.”

There’s a lot of, “Should I call? What to wear? What the hell is going through his head?” while on the quest for love.

With the uncertainty of dating, for many women, it’s easier to focus on a sure thing — their work.

But this is a big mistake as your job will never hug you back and a few frogs are worth it when you find your prince.

Psychologist and dating coach Paulette Murphy, Ph.D., realized the importance of finding a partner at the beginning of her career.

“When I was doing my residency, I noticed early on that when people are dying, nothing mattered more than their significant other and family,” she said.

Investing in relationships and people is vital to your long-term health and happiness.

And recent studies also show an active dating life can increase productivity in workers. Double win!

Have you caught yourself saying any of these phrases or discovered other dating mistakes career women make? Share in the comments below!

Photo source: mbeconnect.com.