The D-word.

One huge factor that prevents many young couples from getting married is the D-word: Divorce.

In a recent study at Cornell University, researchers discovered that nearly two-thirds of cohabitating couples were concerned about the social, legal, emotional and economic consequences of divorce.

Many couples think of marriage as simply a piece of paper and something that may leave them feeling stuck in the relationship, especially if they are considered financially dependent on their partner.

Simply put, getting hitched makes separating a lot more difficult.

Although the divorce rate is often reported to be 50 percent, that statistic is dependent on a number of factors — age of marriage, ethnicity, religion and if this is a second or third marriage.

Generally, 80 percent of first marriages stay together at least five years. And 60 percent make it to 15 years.

But people often avoid marriage to avoid what they perceive as a high divorce rate. And, while marriage may be on the decline, cohabitation is America’s latest relationship trend.

Cohabitating couples feel they can still maintain autonomy and flexibility. And researchers at Cornell University show they’re just as well off as married folks.

“Americans seem to be procrastinating

the big walk down the aisle.”

There aren’t many differences.

There doesn’t appear to be a huge difference between cohabitating and married couples after the honeymoon phase is over.

The study found that cohabitating couples are more likely to gain happiness and self-esteem as opposed to their married counterparts whose gains include shared healthcare plans.

But — and you knew there’d be a but — cohabiting couples who have children have a high rate of breaking up before the children turn 12. And if cohabiting couples do marry, they have one of the highest divorce rates.

“Stay-over relationships.”

In addition to the increase in cohabitating couples, another American relationship trend has been identified as “stay-over relationships.”

University of Mississippi researchers coined this term and defined it as spending three or more nights with a partner each week but maintaining the option to go home.

Basically, it’s cohabitation but with an even easier way out in case the relationship goes sour.

If the couple breaks up, they don’t have to worry about the lease they signed or the dog they adopted together, making the breakup less complicated and expensive.

These individuals have even more control over their level of commitment and involvement with their partner.

Clearly this is a growing phenomenon, as Americans seem to be procrastinating or avoiding altogether the big walk down the aisle.

Rather, they’re choosing to have the opportunity and freedom to walk away in fear of the messy consequences of divorce.

The good news is that we are living in a time where a groundswell of data is exploding from university social science departments. And that research is demonstrating that, while there are no rules, there are certainly statistical probabilities.

What outcome are you expecting?

The first thing to ask yourself is what outcome are you expecting from the sexual encounter?

If your goal is nothing more than an earth-shattering orgasm, then strap on a condom (yes, even during foreplay if you want true protection) and enjoy yourself. And, don’t come crying to me if your expectations change once you are having sex.

Sex hormones can cause some people to fall into the delusion of love, which can become a downright sticky situation when one partner wants to stick with the original deal.

If, on the other hand, you are looking at the sexual event as a positive turning point in your relationship, then there are some ways to increase your statistical probability that you two lovebirds will be together in the future.

 “Couples who waited at least 30 days increased the

likelihood the couple was still dating one year later.”

Waiting has better outcomes.

Researcher Dean Busby at BYU has researched tons of couples who commit before getting involved in a sexual relationship and those who do the exact opposite.

Busby’s research shows that couples who wait to have sex — at least 30 to 90 days — rather than doing it in the early stages of the relationship have better relationship outcomes.

Postponing sex, even for as long as six months, is associated with higher relationship stability, higher relationship satisfaction, better communication and higher quality sexual relationship.

It seems that couples who wait have a better handle on issues that come up in their relationships. Because sex doesn’t complicate the relationship, they have better communication skills.

And putting off sex may give them the time to create that emotional bond and learn how to communicate and trust each other.

The longer the delay, the more exclusive the relationship.

Another researcher, Anthony Paik, who is also an expert in gender and sexuality, discovered that the onset of sex AFTER at least a month of dating can lead to commitment.

In one of his studies, he found the longer a couple delays sex, the more exclusive the relationship. Engaging in sex within the first 30 days of dating reduces a couple’s chances of being exclusive by 4.5 times!

Mark Renegerus, author of “Premarital Sex in America,” has also conducted research that supports the 30-day rule.

In his research, couples who waited at least 30 days to have sex increased the likelihood that the couple was still dating one year later. Nearly one-quarter of those who waited 30 days were still together a year later.

As for those who were quick to jump in bed together, well, 90 percent of those couples didn’t even make it one year.

The best way to test if your relationship is ready to move into the bedroom? A verbal affirmation of commitment from your partner.

If there’s no commitment before sex, don’t expect that to change after you’ve stripped down and given up the one thing that still gives you control of the pace of the relationship.

Why do women who’ve tied the knot drink more than their single, divorced or widowed counterparts?

According to Corinne Reczek, the lead sociologist of the new study, women are more likely to drink with their husbands. In general, married men drink less and married women meet them at that mark by drinking more.

Influence on drinking habits.

It seems that both spouses have an influence on each other’s drinking habits after getting hitched. So while she may convince her hubby to stay home instead of going out with the guys, she’ll still join in on his drinking by having a beer at home with him.

Naturally, humans tend to engage in the same behaviors as those they surround themselves with, so it makes sense that married women drink more.

But after a divorce, men are more likely to hit the bottle while the opposite is true for women, the study shows.

The researchers suggest that this is because men tend to use external coping skills when they are distressed. This means they’ll opt to go to the bar and grab a beer with some buddies rather than staying in.

Women, on the other hand, internalize, which often leads to development of depression. Watching chick flicks and eating a carton of Ben & Jerry’s is one of those internal coping mechanisms many women resort to after a rough breakup.

Marriage’s effect can be a good thing.

Marriage’s effect on a couple’s drinking habits can be a good thing as long as one of the partners doesn’t have a serious drinking problem.

Researchers suggest that alcohol can help couples bond. And there’s also research that long-term couples who drink in moderation report fewer drinking-related problems than those who have recently suffered a divorce.

This is especially true for divorced men, who drink significantly more than married men.

So, if putting a ring on it means men will drink more and women will drink less, most couples will dovetail and drink moderately, which hasn’t been shown to have any negative health effects. So cheers to the bride and the groom!

Casual sex may have become culturally accepted but, according to researchers, too much sex isn’t a good thing.

It’s especially true for women.

Women are still victims of the double standard — the standard that gives men points for scoring with women and gives women demerit points.

While the vast majority of women no longer believe in the double standard, some women still subtly reinforce it by labeling other women “sluts” and “whores.”

A recent sociological study involving more than 19,000 college students revealed that nearly half of college students report that they judge men and women with similar sexual histories by the same standard and lose equal respect for members of both genders who they believe hook up too much.

In other words, most young adults stigmatize and judge the promiscuous behavior of their peers, even though they’re engaging in it themselves.

Lack of respect is just one of the consequences individuals face as a result of having too much casual sex. So while dating may lead to relationships, hooking up often leads to being labeled a “slut.”

“Too much casual sex will

take its toll on your reputation.”

Women haven’t adapted to the hookup culture.

The second issue with all this casual sex is that women have not adapted to the hookup culture yet.

A study by researchers at Durham University in the UK found that after women hooked up, they predominantly reported regret at having been “used.”

These women were also more likely to feel that they had let themselves down and were worried about the potential damage to their reputation if other people found out.

It’s clear that women are aware that judgments and lack of respect come with having casual sex, but we now know that many negative emotions are a result of an accidental one-night stand.

These women are on to something.

Renowned evolutionary psychologist David Buss and Martie Haselton found that the more previous sexual partners a man has, the more likely he is to quickly perceive diminished attractiveness in a woman after first intercourse.

Diminished attractiveness. So it appears that hooking up doesn’t leave men lingering for more, but rather it leaves them feeling less attraction toward a woman.

Maybe this is due to the double standard, or maybe it’s because men don’t comingle feelings of love and sex.

Bottom line is that too much casual sex will take its toll on your reputation, your emotions and your chances for finding a commitment-oriented mate.

And one of the biggest mistakes women make today is hoping that a hookup will evolve into a relationship.

Males have been evolutionarily wired to use resources, like a shiny red Porsche, to attract women. This signals a man’s ability to be a good provider and protector for his partner and their little ones.

Women on the other hand, utilize youth and fertility to attract a mate, giving men the indication that they are ready to raise his offspring.

There is variation in mating strategies.

Today, there are more stay-at-home dads and wives out-earning their husbands, but our evolutionary mating strategies are still prominent and dominant.

A recent study by researchers at Penn State found that playfulness is among one of the top traits men and women find desirable in a potential partner.

Above playfulness, both males and females in the study rated kindness and understanding in a partner to be quite important. Females rated it as the most desirable characteristic, while males rated it the second most desirable characteristic.

This may be quite an obvious desirable quality for most of us. But why is playfulness so important in a mate?

“The couple that plays

together, stays together.”

Playfulness may be evolutionarily adaptive.

Relationships often become another “routine” in our lives. We go to work, come home, make dinner, watch television, and hit the sack.

And for those with a partner or a spouse, they fit somewhere in this routine, commonly in the form of conversation over dinner and occasionally a date night out to the movies.

But sometimes we get so caught up in our routine lifestyles that we forget how to be spontaneous and playful. Sometimes playfulness can have a bad connotation, but as adults, being playful can be exciting and intoxicating, especially when we’re nurturing a romantic relationship.

Perhaps our ancestor sisters and mothers used playfulness to remind their partner of their youthfulness and fertility. Playfulness in males may come off as nonaggressive behavior and exhibit the kind of trait one hopes to see in a father.

Eventually, many couples conceive children that remind them what it’s like to be playful. And for those that don’t have this constant reminder, try getting in touch with your youthful side. It may help you attract a date or keep the flame alive with your long-term partner.

John Gottman is a famous researcher on couples and relationships. He coded and analyzed hours and hours of videotaped interactions between couples over holiday weekends where he put them up in a condo for free and found that couples who are playful have a better chance of staying together than those who could not play, especially during times of conflict.

Moral of the story: The couple that plays together, stays together.

Online dating has long ago lost its stigma among young people as a creepy place for anti-social people to meet. Today the vast majority of young, single people have visited an online dating site.

But the news this year is that singles over the age of 60 are the fastest growing demographic in the online dating world. A little slower to gravitate to this high-tech social world, aging Americans are making up for lost time.

Senior profiles are different.

A massive study was just completed by two researchers who specialize in gerontology at Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio: Wendy Watson, Ph.D. and Charlie Stelle, Ph.D.

Analyzing senior online profiles of Americans from a number of dating sites, they noticed their habits and style was very different than the profiles of young singles.

They found that older online daters are looking for different things in a relationship and their profiles reflect that.

Unlike young singles, there is less emphasis on money and beauty and more emphasis on health and potential for a long life.

If the online dating code word for a woman with body fat is “curvy,” the code words for mature daters who have good health are “active” and “young at heart.”

“Perhaps the young can take

a lesson from wise seniors.”

Looking for authenticity.

And singles over 60 seem to be looking for authentic companionship more than a trophy date.

They are more honest in their profiles and less likely to get into lengthy game playing. Their goal it seems is to focus on compatibility and companionship rather than nightlife, sexual prowess and social status.

The researchers suggested in their paper that online dating sites expand their profile selectors to include categories like independence, intelligence, affection style and life goals.

While they referred to sites that market to seniors, like OurTime.com, the researchers’ recommendations might be well suited to all dating sites.

Knowing someone’s lifestyle and looks is only the beginning of looking at one’s compatibility.

Relationships are about a mutual exchange of care and everyone has their own attachment style — the way they like to give and receive that care.

Some people are touchy-feely. Others need their space and shrivel at public displays of affection. Some are comfortable (and even crave) emotional intimacy, while others like to avoid topics that feel too close to the bone.

Perhaps the young can take a lesson from wise seniors who finally have figured out what’s important in a relationship.

A new study out of the University of California, Los Angeles, and published in the “Journal of Family Psychology,” is the first to cast a scientific eye on pre-wedding jitters. And what they found was astounding.

Cold feet predict higher divorce rates.

Cold feet almost always predicted higher divorce rates and less happy marriages. In fact, if you’ve got big doubts, you are two-and-a-half times more likely to divorce within four years.

In the study, the researchers interviewed 232 couples just before the wedding and revisited them every six months for four years. The average age of spouses was very close to the national average for first time marriages, 25 for women and 27 for men.

Interesting to note, pre-wedding jitters in brides were more indicative of rocky marriages. In the couples where the wife had doubts, nearly 20 percent were divorced in four years. And if no partner had doubts, their divorce rate was only 6 percent.

“Marriage is a gamble.”

My advice:

Pay attention to your gut feelings, especially if you are a woman. Men have historically been more likely to be nervous about walking down the aisle because entrance into a marital contract that involves monogamy and money was more of a risk for men.

But in today’s times, with young women charging ahead in education and earnings potential, divorce can carry the same risks to a wife.

In my opinion, no one should consider marriage until they have been together at least one year and have had detailed talks about money, career goals, child rearing, religion, and extended family relationships.

Sometimes the jitters can subside when these topics are discussed and some of the mystery has been removed.

Marriage is a gamble. But consider this question: What is the length of half of all modern marriages? What do you think? Four years, seven years, twelve years?

In fact, half of all of today’s marriages last a lifetime. And that’s what an engaged couple should be focusing on as a model for their own marriage.

But why do some people seem to recover more quickly while others wallow in anger, sadness and anxiety for years?

Might those quick-to-get-back-on-the-horse divorcees have been less in love? Less attached to their partner? More callus about the whole affair?

Those were some of the questions University of Arizona researchers set out to answer as they studied a group of recently divorced adults and followed their progress for a year.

And far from being less attached or loving, those who recovered faster shared a surprising personality trait: They all had a high degree of self-compassion.

The researchers broke down self-compassion into three simple concepts:

1. Kindness toward oneself.
2. Recognition of a common humanity.
3. An ability to let painful emotions pass.

It seems that the ability to recover and move on from painful experiences is directly related to these mental skills. But then can they be learned?

The U of A team, David A. Sbarra, Ph.D., who led the study along with his colleagues Hillary L. Smith and Matthias R. Mehl, aren’t sure if these skills can be acquired or whether they are just part of one’s human makeup.

I lean toward the side that the brain can learn just about anything, and I think that most cognitive therapists and those who study neuroplasticity would agree.

“Your loss is something painful

but normal for humans.”

Let’s break it down:

1. Kindness toward oneself. 

Kindness toward oneself is simply the absence of negative dialogue in your head.

If you carry a critical voice inside yourself (perhaps one that chastises you for your role in the relationship failure or admonishes you for not getting over things quickly), then you can replace those negative thoughts with more positive words, such as “I did my best with what I knew at the time,” or, “I will allow myself the time I need to mourn because I know this, too, will pass.”

2. Recognition of common humanity.

Recognition of a common humanity is the acceptance that you are only human. And that your pain has been felt by others who survived this. At the highest level, recognition of a common humanity might include feelings of compassion for the partner you are angry with.

3. Ability to let emotions pass.

An ability to let painful emotions pass can be increased through meditation, exercise, pro-social behaviors like charity work and random acts of kindness, and reaching out to family and friends to find support.

These are the proven natural anti-depressants. Exercise, relationships and altruism.

Finally, understanding that your loss is something painful but normal for humans can help you change your perspective about your situation.

In fact, when researchers studying porn at the University of Montreal attempted to find a control group of men in their 20s who had never consumed pornography, they were unable to find even one subject.

Nearly all boys have accessed porn by the age of 10. Seventy percent of men today regularly watch Internet porn, while that number for women is about 30 percent.

And all of this easily accessible and affordable porn is affecting relationships, usually in a negative way. The consequences also include emotional, relational and financial problems, but also sexual dysfunction.

Men can become desensitized to real-life women.

Research supports that kids who play too many violent video games become desensitized to violence, and in the same way, men who watch too much porn become desensitized to real life women.

Neuroscientists have confirmed that men are more stimulated by visual cues than women. The amygdala, the area of the human brain that controls emotion and motivation, is more highly activated in men when viewing sexual images than women viewing the same content.

Researchers speculate that human evolution offered men who could more readily identify sexually receptive females through visual cues a better chance of having sex and passing on their genetic code.

Fortunately, cavemen didn’t have access to porn that could eventually alter their brains. Today, addiction to porn essentially rewires the brain, making it more difficult to naturally feel pleasure, the natural pleasure that women willingly provide for men.

“It’s not easy for most men

to break a porn addiction.”

Reduced interest in sexual, physical, emotional connections.

One of the most common symptoms of porn addiction is reduced or even nonexistent interest in sexual, physical and emotional connections with spouses and/or longer-term sexual partners.

The man who spends most of his sexual life masturbating and fantasizing to porn (endless images of young, exciting, different partners and sexual experiences) is going to find his longer-term partner less interesting visually and less stimulating than the endless supply of new and exciting material he gets from porn.

Eventually this guy can only become erect or orgasm to porn, not with his own partner.

Neuroscientists find that the pleasure pathways in our brain that are altered by addictions take at least one year to become “normal” again.

And like with any addiction, it’s not easy for most men to break a porn addiction. After all, a dude doesn’t even need to get out of his bed to access porn these days.

Current research tells us that for approximately 5 to 8 percent of the adult population, porn use can evolve into an addictive behavior, quickly escalating from a pleasurable distraction to a behavioral compulsion that leads to depression, isolation, loneliness, shame and negative life consequences.

Look no further than the famous Swiss T-Shirt study to understand how biology sometimes trumps culture.

In the study, women were asked to smell some very fragrant T-shirts that men had slept in every night for a week. The women were asked to determine which body odor was most attractive.

When blood work was compared, it was determined that women were most attracted to the pheromones that signaled the most different immune system from themselves. Apparently, when sperm marries egg, certain features are taken from each partner, blue eyes from one, brown hair from another, etc.

The exception is immune systems. When two people procreate, their immune systems combine and become stronger. And healthy babies need the strongest immune system.

There is one big exception that disrupts this theory.

The birth control pill, which seems to gum up nature’s intelligent process.

Back in our hunter-gatherer days, birth control wasn’t around to interfere with mating systems. Women were evolutionary programmed to be attracted to men who would help them produce strong, healthy offspring.

But today, more than 100 million women worldwide take a birth control pill, whether it’s to fight off acne or to prevent unwanted pregnancy. And the downside is that hormones in birth control pills alter a woman’s ability to sniff out the right mate.

Since the pill suppresses ovulation and tricks a woman’s body into thinking she’s pregnant, her hormones are reflected by that. These artificial hormones from the pill often lead women to crave “nurturing men” rather than those who have the ability to produce strong, fit offspring.

Plus, men actually find fertile women (pill users are technically “infertile”) more attractive, especially while a woman is ovulating.

Another study found that women who paired with men whose immune systems were similar to their own had a less satisfying sex life and were more likely to cheat than women who paired with men whose immune systems were dissimilar to their own.

My advice to women: Avoid the pill when trying to attract a potential mate so your pheromones don’t confuse Mr. Right with Mr. Wrong.

It will weed out the relationships with mates that could potentially result in infidelity and kids who have a rough time fighting off the common cold. There are plenty of other methods of birth control that will put pheromones to work and allow women to sniff out the right dude while also providing some protection from STDs.