What Does It Mean to Commit in the Modern Age? A Marriage Expert Has the Answers

The Short Version: Fear of commitment is a common thread in the world, but it doesn’t have to be so scary. Dr. Scott Sibley of Decide to Commit urges people to invest in love and take action to ensure their relationships last.

Things couldn’t have been more perfect: I was seeing someone and starting to think that we might soon become an item. We shared similar values and interests, and over the course of several months we had started spending as much time together as we possibly could. 

But as the months went on, I started to wonder whether we would ever have the “what are we?” discussion. And when I finally decided to bring it up, we weren’t on the same page. I was ready to commit, but he wanted to remain casual–indefinitely.

If this situation sounds familiar, you aren’t alone–I can’t count the number of times I’ve deleted all my dating apps and decided to just give up because no one seems to be looking for anything serious these days.

But the research of Dr. Scott Sibley makes the case for commitment. An associate professor at Northern Illinois Research and licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Sibley heads the website Decide to Commit with the support of his research team. 

Decide to Commit offers relationship education resources and research on various aspects of commitment. You can find Dr. Sibley’s insights on the rise of “talking-stage” relationships as well as refer to guides for navigating premarital counseling or long-distance military relationships. 

Read on to discover Dr. Sibley’s perspectives on what it means to commit to someone today.

Open any dating app, and you’ll instantly be able to access attractive people–and swipe them away just as easily. For many, it can be hard to give up the constant availability of attention that contemporary dating provides. 

But, according to Dr. Sibley, you’ll have to learn to stop seeking those maybes.

“Commitment means letting go of other options,” said Dr. Sibley. “And that’s very hard in the world that we live in today, because you have thousands of options literally at your fingertips. Our technology has really changed the landscape of how relationships are formed. Swiping left or right wasn’t really happening 10, 20, 50 years ago.”

What happens, though, after you say goodbye to the others? Once in a relationship, you and your partner still have to make decisions that involve each other every single day. 

Some might be small–where you two want to go for dinner, for instance–and others life-changing–whether you want to make that big move or take that career promotion.

“When I hear people say that they have commitment problems, I think the translation is that they really have decision-making problems because that’s what commitment is all about,” said Dr. Sibley. 

“Love and commitment are not very complex ideas to me because it just means you’re actively, consciously dedicated to your partner. I really love the phrase ‘choose your love, love your choice.’”

And when the going gets tough? “It’s not always easy to do, especially when you’re having fights, struggling, or slogging through life with kids and other things. But when you go to the core of what commitment is, it means dedicating ourselves to the decisions we’ve made.”

Transitional periods in a relationship present opportunities to make some of the biggest decisions of your lives together. But broaching those conversations can be scary. 

Dr. Sibley recommends making the move and initiating the difficult discussions anyway, to avoid being stuck in a relationship you don’t want.

“Should we move in together? Should we have sex, get married, have children? We’re continually faced with these transitions in our lives, and some couples choose to slide through the decisions. They don’t talk about it or think through the consequences,” shared Dr. Sibley. 

“They kind of let things happen. Then they feel stuck in a relationship that they didn’t completely make a decision to be in.”

And it goes both ways. If you’ve had to kick off a conversation about your future, expect that you and your partner will continue to be in constant dialogue about it as you move forward together. 

“The most successful, happy couples communicate commitment all the time. That means they’re continually planning for the future together. Like, what does our life look like together in five years, ten years? What do you hope to accomplish together? They’re able to form shared goals and support each other in them,” said Dr. Sibley.

There are plenty of red flags you should keep an eye out for in the early stages of a relationship, but beyond the typical–being rude to waitstaff at your first-date restaurant or having zero pics on their Tinder profile–you should also be on the lookout for red flags that run deeper. 

But it’s ultimately up to you to decide how big of a dealbreaker each one is. 

“You have to assess whether there are red flags you’re not going to tolerate,” advised Dr. Sibley. “Are there really bad things regarding an addiction? Are they acting abusive toward you in any way? Are you worried about how their previous relationships went? Be careful; take the red flags for what they are.”

Additionally, the feeling you get from being around your significant other should tell you everything you need to know. But Dr. Sibley encourages thinking beyond the present and far into the future. 

“You have to focus on, ‘Is this somebody I could actually see myself with long term? Do I feel safe? Could I talk to my partner about sex or finances or whatever it may be?”

Most important, however, is the partner’s willingness to show full-on enthusiasm and support for you daily. You don’t want to be with someone like the person from the beginning of this story, sitting on the fence while dragging a committed individual along for the ride. Serious daters deserve partners who are all in for them.

“One of the interesting findings in the last ten years or so has been this idea of asymmetrical commitment–when one partner is more committed than the other partner,” explained Dr. Sibley. 

“The least committed partner has the most power in that relationship. But, you want an equal partner. You want someone who is going to be very committed to being with you.”

Approaching the conversation can be nerve-wracking, but if my story is any consolation, know that many before you have done it, too. 

You’re always better off knowing where you stand than assuming things–and if your partner isn’t on the same page, you’re now free to pursue someone who will respect you and want the same things out of your future together.

“You should clarify the commitment of your relationship sooner rather than later,” said Dr. Sibley. “Have the courage to do so. A lot of people hang out in situationship-land or talking-land. They wouldn’t waste their time if they just said to their partner, ‘How are we defining this relationship?’”

Avoid romanticizing your situationship–although this term has become popular slang for an undefined fling, holding on to something because you wish it would turn serious isn’t what you should be doing if you know deep down you crave a commitment. 

“Having that DTR conversation is pretty dang important, and that can take courage, but how much better is it to determine the relationship now, before you have children or move in together?”

The relationship of your dreams isn’t far off if you can brave taking the leap to talk about it. You’ll never be on the same page as someone else if you don’t take the chance to learn about how they’re feeling. 

“People fear rejection a lot, but it’s much better to know these things before you make investments or feel stuck,” said Sibley. 
So if you’re seeing someone who might be the one, don’t be afraid to tell them. And once you do that, head over to Decide to Commit to learn how to sustain a great relationship.