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Mary Gorham Malia
There’s a right way and a wrong way to start dating and begin a relationship. Here are my top 9 must-know rules for doing it the RIGHT way. These rules will make your life better and happier — and make dating a lot less crazy!
In other words, be really single — not just almost single but completely single. It’s more common to see “separated” in online dating these days, but never in my life would I date someone who was just separated.
Tell me it’s done and over and you identify as single and ready. Stop trying to keep your feet in both worlds. Make a decision to get out, or get in there and work on making it better.
If you’re single and looking, don’t go and get your heart attached to someone who isn’t sure if she’s done, who’s just checking out the single scene to decide if she’s done for sure, or who can’t hurt her current girlfriend just yet but promises she’ll break up with her next week. Yuck!
Wait to find someone who is really single, or if it’s you, be really single. Period.
It’s easy to rush — rush into dating, rush into sex, rush into commitment. Rushing never helped anyone when it comes to lesbian dating. It takes time to get to know someone, and honestly most women don’t know themselves very well either.
Being thoughtful means you’ve spent time looking back on your life and at what worked and what didn’t in your relationships. It also means you’ve looked at your part in what didn’t work. You’re past blaming everything on your previous girlfriend, and you’re actually willing to own how you messed up, too.
What’s that mean? Well if you’re going to do online dating, then use GREAT pictures of yourself. That means a really good headshot with you SMILING and your face really visible so I can see what you really look like. No sunglasses or baseball cap hiding your face!
The next most important picture is a body shot. Yes, I mean your full body, the way it looks right now!
Here’s the point — if someone is going to reject you because of your body type, let her do it online before you even meet. The worst feeling is to meet someone, have her look you up and down, and realize the date is over before it’s even begun. Let it happen online.
Secondly, go through your closet and put together a couple of great outfits. One casual and one dressy in whatever your style is.
Try them on, check the fit, and make sure you FEEL GREAT in the clothes. It’s not whether you’re wearing shorts, jeans, or a skirt; you need to feel great because it will make you feel more confident. And please don’t tell me you’re showing up for a first date in the clothes you’ve been gardening, painting or running around in all day.
If you haven’t updated your style in five or six or even 20 years, get out and buy a couple new outfits. This isn’t optional. It’s a must — just like having the right pictures for online dating.
It doesn’t matter if you’re shopping at Goodwill (I find great things there all the time!) or Nordstrom. The point is having a couple of feel-good outfits ready to go will make your dating life easier.
Online dating is great, but it’s only one way to meet single women. You’ve got to get a plan together to get the hell out of the house and be seen. That can involve joining meetup groups and then actually attending them. Joining is not the same as being seen. You’ve got to show up.
Get online and google the lesbian scene in your city or the nearest big city to you. Things will pop up, from the local LGBT bar and Pride events, to LGBT community centers and meetup groups. Dig in and find events you can attend. Then show up.
Women need to know you’re free, ready, and available, and part of that is being seen at events. If you need to, bring friends to push you past your shyness and be your Wing’Maam.
And remember this is when you can wear one of the great outfits you’ve already put together.
Early dates are when you get to show your stuff, and if she’s someone you’re really interested in, then you want to get it done right.
If you’re meeting for the proverbial first date and it’s for coffee, find the most interesting, fun, and unique coffee shop in the city and meet there. Or find out how she likes her coffee, pick it up, and meet her in a beautiful park, public garden, or on a hiking trail.
Get creative and make it fun. Figure out how you can make her feel special without going overboard. Maybe she mentioned a book she loves and you found it on Amazon used for $1. Buy it and bring it for her with the coffee. Big points!
While you’re first getting to know each other, listen intently. Women have a lot to say, use lots of words, and get into the details, and it’s all important to most women.
If your date is one of these women, LISTEN. If she’s not one of these women, still LISTEN. Let her do 80 percent of the talking. You’ll learn tons about her that you need to know. She’ll tell you what she’s good and not good at. She’ll tell you things like she’s a nut about being on time or that she never keeps her commitments and always runs late because she overbooks.
Pay attention to the details of what she shares with you. Then repeat part of her story back and say something like “Tell me more…”
And while she tells you these things, listen. Don’t manipulate the information in your head. Don’t say to yourself “It’ll be different with me…” because it won’t.
You can learn so much in the early dating days if you’ll just listen more and talk less.
Sure that can seem to take all the fun out of dating, but it certainly keeps a lot of pain out of your life when things don’t work out a few weeks into it.
Our bodies are chemical factories, and sex is full of powerful chemicals. Oxytocin is released when we orgasm, and it creates attachment. ATTACHMENT! Do you want to be attached physically and emotionally to someone you barely know?
Waiting can be hard, but it’s worth the effort to hold off for a while until you learn more. I can’t tell you the number of women I’ve met who were all into me, and I was into them, but two weeks later they’d lose interest. I’m so glad I’ve kept my pants on during any number of dating experiences.
The most beautiful part of a relationship is the beginning. That feel-good period when you’re first going out, liking each other, can’t wait to see each other, sharing your lives and history, and immersed in the wonderful feeling of infatuation that could turn into long-lasting love.
When you wait to have sex until you’re both prepared to be monogamous, it creates a basis of trust that’s truly powerful for when things get bumpy down the road.
Remember what I said in about jumping into bed. Getting to the place where you’re prepared to use the term “girlfriend” about this woman means it’s time for sex and more sex.
And you’ll have the opportunity to extend that amazing feeling of falling in love a lot longer. It’s worth the wait.
Now some women hate toys, but others love them. I’m a toy kind of woman. I think they have a definite place in a fun sex life, but when you start a new relationship, it’s out with the old and in with new… sex toys, that is.
Don’t fight me on this. It doesn’t matter how much that dildo cost — get a new one for your new girlfriend. She’ll love you for it. She’ll love that she helped pick it out. She’ll feel really good about being the only woman you’ve shared that toy with.
It’s all about making your new girlfriend feel really loved.
Photo sources: premiumcablereviews.blogspot.com, mic.com, autostraddle.com,
beautyheaven.com.au, tumblr.com, eltic-dragon.ca, prettylittleliars.alloyentertainment.com, thenypost.wordpress.com