The (Real) Truth About Butch vs Femme

Lesbian Dating

The (Real) Truth About Butch vs Femme

Mary Gorham Malia
Mary Gorham Malia Updated:

Butch versus femme isn’t real because butches and femmes don’t see themselves as competing against each other.

Instead they often see themselves as vying for each other’s affection.

Look at Portia and Ellen

You can see a very classic-looking butch-femme couple in action, in the news and showing up looking very butch and very femme.

Ellen DeGeneres is a great example of a butch woman coming into her comfort zone. You don’t think she’s a guy (though many butch women get mistaken for being guys!), but she’s definitely not feminine in her appearance or attitudes.

Look at Portia and Ellen

She’s gone from looking more feminine in her younger days to now showing up only in suits, jackets, vests, pants and tuxedos with a short haircut and small jewelry, as well as exuding more masculine energy but with a lesbian touch.  She’s never going to pass for being a straight woman.

Her wife, Portia, is the classic femme. Yes she’s gorgeous, if you like her type, and she always shows up in the dress, heels, makeup, her hair done, jewelry and accessorized to the max.

She can pass for being straight, but we know she’s not because she said so and because of who she is with (i.e. Ellen).

Let me clarify a few things

A butch lesbian isn’t a woman trying to be a guy. There’s a term for that and it’s FTM transgender person. That’s a different conversation!

A butch is the epitome of a tomboy all grown up. Truly that’s Ellen.

A butch lesbian identifies as strong and able to do lots of things that require physical ability. She sees herself competing with guys (like a tomboy does) and looks more masculine than feminine in appearance.

She’s someone who probably wanted to be a boy as a young girl but grew out of it to loving her female body and how it feels to connect to a woman as a woman.

A butch is the lesbian who will never put on a dress or wear makeup, a bra or thong that comes from Victoria’s Secret.

“No one is trying to be the

guy in a lesbian relationship.”

She may come across as tough. She’s the one who builds houses, drives a motorcycle and loved her military service because she could wear a uniform just like the guys. She can probably fix your car if you need it, too.

Femme lesbians are seen a lot more often in the media and get the leading celesbian roles in lesbian media.

We are in a time period where the femme lesbian gets all the attention because straight male culture enjoys fantasizing about a night with two lesbians. So not real lesbian life, guys!

Femmes are no more interested in hooking up with a guy than butches, and straight male porn creates fantasies about lesbians that are not even close to true.

Femmes may or may not be attracted to butches, but the contrast of these two types of lesbian ways of being are sweet, wonderful and give us an idea of how fluid life can be for lesbian couples.

Butches aren’t trying to be guys

Some strap on and some don’t. Most become extremely vulnerable in the bedroom behind closed doors. That’s a real femme’s power and she knows it.

Femme lesbians aren’t trying to be straight women trying out lesbians. They are dyed in the wool lesbians!

They may or may not like sex with a strap-on. They may or may not like penetration. They could be the one wearing a strap-on!

Butches aren’t trying to be guys

The butch-femme dynamic was a very typical kind of couple a generation or two ago. It sparked the stereotypical question that is still often asked, “So who’s the guy? The butch?”

It’s a stupid question because no one is trying to be the guy in a lesbian relationship, and no one is arguing about who wears pants versus who wears the dress or who’s going to have the baby. We both can have the baby and just might!

Butch embraces femme and vice versa. That’s the real story about butch and femme. Which one are you?

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