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John Alex Clark
When someone gets dumped, they generally think the pain they feel is because of one single thing – love.
The reality is people feel depressed after breakups due to the combined effects of a number of different reasons. What’s ironic is most of these reasons have nothing to do with them loving the other person and are completely unrelated to love.
Below I’ve listed the five causes of breakup pain that have nothing to do with love. Each of the following elements provides a certain percentage of the pain you feel after a breakup. Bit by bit they all add up to the way you are currently feeling.
The more reasons you come to understand, the more you will realize love plays less and less of a part in the pain that results after a breakup.
When you come to understand love is not what is making you feel the way you are feeling right now, you then have control over your breakup recovery in a way you never realized before.
“Am I going to stay single and unhappy forever? I’m getting older and losing my looks. Will I ever love a person who will love me back?”
Having concerns about the future is a major factor of the pain felt after a breakup. The key thing to remember is this element of breakup pain is not intrinsically tied to your ex.
If shortly after the breakup you entered a new relationship with someone you liked, worry about the future would disappear and no longer cause you pain.
You need to isolate this particular element of your breakup pain from your ex or any love you think you have for her.
These are emotions you were using your relationship to cover up. People often use a relationship as a means to escape from unsolved problems, such as poor relations with one’s own family, lack of a social life or difficulty coping with work.
If this is the case, you’ll immediately start feeling bad after breaking up, as you don’t have this method of escapement anymore and your old problems have nowhere to hide.
Again this element of breakup pain is independent of your ex. You’ll need to isolate this part of your pain from them and deal with it by itself.
When we get dumped, our pride naturally takes a hit. This hit to our pride causes us pain. It has nothing to do with your ex or any love you have for them. It is tied solely to your pride.
You need to understand this is yet another element of breakup pain that is adding to the way you are currently feeling.
“When you understand breakup pain,
you put the power back in your hands.”
Right now you are probably wondering why your ex dumped you and if there’s something wrong with you. This is only natural.
“Did she not like my looks?” or “Does she think I’m boring?” are all thoughts that can float around inside your head after a breakup.
Again you can see this element of breakup pain is not intrinsically tied to your ex. It has to do with your personal thoughts and self-confidence issues.
Anyone who gives up something they’re used to will experience withdrawal symptoms. You got used to certain routines with your ex (such as places you went together, times of the day you both texted each other, etc.)
Again these are not intrinsically tied to your ex, but these are things you would have had with any relationship partner.
Be careful not to equate the pain felt from withdrawal symptoms as meaning you must have really loved your ex.
Withdrawal symptoms are something people experience after a breakup regardless of who their ex was or if they even loved them.
From the above, it’s evident a lot of the negative emotions felt after a breakup are related to the person’s past experiences and personal thoughts rather than the other person being The One or anything like that.
When you understand breakup pain is made up of several different components, most of which have nothing to do with your ex or any love you have for them, you put the power over your emotions back in your hands and away from your ex.
A certain percentage of your pain will be related to your ex and your possible love for her. How much that percentage is will depend on your specific relationship situation.
However, this percentage is almost always in the minority (compared to the above things) no matter how much you may think you love your ex.
In my book “The Erase Code: How to Get Over Anyone in Less Than a Week Using Psychology,” I show how to handle this percentage of pain that does relate to your ex and any love you may have for her.
When you combine eradicating this pain with eradicating the pain from the above things, the path is laid to a much quicker recovery than otherwise would be the case.
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