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When I coach my male clients, a lot of the tips are about how to approach girls. After all, 100% of the girls you don’t approach, 100% of the time nothing happens. Thus, much of what you read online is how to master this area. However, that’s only one small part of the whole interaction. The real meat is in the rapport building.
I’ve witnessed a get-together with my clients in which one slightly balding and short man went around and spoke to every girl in the place, having a grand ol’ time. I also had a client who looked like a model and who women would approach. Then you could see the expression on their faces fall as they looked for the exit. This guy just couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life.
Conversation is key and is a form of emotional leadership. You want to lead the conversation where you want it to go and lead it away from where you don’t want it to go. Let’s help turn you guys into master conversationalists who can chat up any girl, anywhere.
Before Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1876, the only way to interact with another human was letter writing or face to face. Now we have so many different ways to communicate that we’ve kinda lost that personal aspect. So anytime you can, you should be holding your conversations in person to maximize body language, tonality, facial expressions, and touch. However, I know that’s not always possible, so here’s what to talk to girls about online and over the phone.
We all have a limited amount of good material in us: stories about growing up, our first [enter scenario here], or hilarious mishaps. You want these to be told in person to have the greatest effect. Until then, what you want to do is tease your stories. “Oh, man, did I ever tell you about the time I almost died getting lost in the desert? No? Remind me to tell you when I see you!”
When you’re having a great time talking on the phone or IMing each other, tell her that. However, you also need to leave the conversation earlier than you want to. This leaves a desire to want to see each other again. You don’t want to excitedly start chatting back and forth for days and then realize the energy level has dwindled, and there’s no more enthusiasm.
Life is pleasure vs. pain. We, as humans, move toward that which is pleasurable and away from that which is painful. Be wary of letting the energy level fall below the line of interest!
You should definitely be interacting with her online! That’s the way a lot of relationships get started. Use this medium to talk about things on the lighter side, though. Send her funny GIFs, share something amusing that happened to you at Starbucks, or comment on her foodie pic.
If you keep it lighthearted and fun, she’ll look forward to hearing that ding signifying there’s a message from you. Put off the deeper stuff when you don’t have to type it.
Studies show women use 20,000 words a day compared to men’s 7,000. Women also bond by talking. So many times, in the getting-to-know-you phase, women enjoy having long talks on the phone. While it’s good to connect and establish a bond, I would caution against long, drawn-out conversations, unless you’re unable to meet due to distance.
Use the phone for some quick catching up and planning to see each other. I’d say no more than 30 minutes on the phone. That being said, make sure you DO call her! So many women tell me guys never call and only text.
When you’re online, you need to make sure you compensate for the lack of in-person communication by consciously adding emotion. Use emojis, GIFs, or videos to spice up your conversation and add some extra feeling. For some ideas, check out this article.
Having a bond online or over the phone is good, but the real chemistry starts once you finally meet in person. All of your emotional pistons are firing and you can really connect. However, this is often when people feel the most uncomfortable — there’s no technology to hide behind or lag time in your responses. Once you master this, though, you’ll become the type of person who draws women to you! Here’s what to talk about with a girl you like when you’re face to face.
Have you ever beat the odds? Perhaps you made the winning goal in soccer. Maybe you were given an impossible work assignment and kicked ass. Whatever it is, everyone loves to hear a story about overcoming adversity and coming out on top. Look at every sports movie ever.
Think of a time this may have happened in your life. This kind of story is important because it demonstrates tenacity and leadership. You were presented with obstacles and you kept your eye on the prize and overcame. It also showcases risk-taking, which is considered a masculine energy.
If the overcoming adversity story was to illustrate your “alpha-ness,” the happiest moments story highlights the sensitive aspect, balancing out the energies. Women want to know you’re capable of deep emotion and can recognize these moments when they happen.
These aren’t the types of stories where you’re “happy that it’s getting warm out again.” There’s not enough emotion there. Think of moments in your life with a capital “M.” We’ve all had happy moments in life, and it’s good to share them.
We’ve all fallen down the steps or had something similar happen in our lives. Sure, it was totally embarrassing at the time, but hopefully, it was funny as well. What’s important about this story is it shows you aren’t afraid to laugh at yourself. We all have scars, whether they’re emotional, physical, or mental. The most confident people in the world are the ones who will show people these scars.
No one is perfect, and people who can poke fun at themselves show a lot of confidence. Plus, if you’re telling this story, most likely everyone doesn’t know it, so she feels like she’s getting VIP information, and that bonds you two. And because of mirroring, she’s likely to share an embarrassing story of her own, further cementing your bond.
It’s not what you’re thinking. The times you felt powerful don’t have to be big and brash or all-encompassing. Power is the ability to influence your environment. That’s it. So was there a time you convinced everyone to go along with a joke or scheme? Did you get the whole bar cheering and singing when you sang “More Than a Feeling” at karaoke?
This kind of story illustrates not only that you have the ability to affect your surroundings, but that people allow you to affect their surroundings. They’re looking to you and enjoy following your lead. A powerful person draws people in. When has that happened, even in a small way, to you?
What personality or character trait do you have that you want others to know about? Are you loyal? Spontaneous? A great dancer? An awesome cook? This is your chance to let yourself shine!
Instead of listing traits like, “I love hiking,” choose a story in which one of those qualities takes center stage. And eventually, you want to have a story for each of the characteristics that you would like other people to know about. “Did I ever tell you about the time I was lost in a foreign city and had to use snippets of five languages to get unlost?”
This is the emotional equivalent of “Where are you from?” To answer this question, she’ll have to tell you about where she lived, so you’ll get that information. Plus three other important things will happen:
1. You make her remember a happy time.
2. Because memory and emotions are linked, she starts to feel happy.
3. When people share feelings of happiness, they become intertwined.
All of these things will make her want to spend more time with you. Score!
“When was the last time your boss praised you?” is a great question to ask because she’ll probably have a good answer. Also, pride is one of the strongest positive emotions there is. It’s success with public notice. You’ll make her feel like a million bucks!
Asking questions that are too broad like “What was your favorite thing about college?” doesn’t have any specific emotional connotations. Make sure your question is specific enough that it has a memory attached. “What assignment did you kick ass on the most?” or “What teacher inspired the most passion?” are good examples.
Ask her “If you won the lottery tonight, what would be the first thing you would do tomorrow for fun?” Everyone loves the lottery question because it’s fun to fantasize! This question will also tell you what her passions are and what she enjoys doing.
You’ll get her all excited about the possibilities and can then get into the minutiae of the particular island you’d buy, the architectural style of your mansion, and exactly what constitutes a yacht. Keep a mental note of her answers and see if you can incorporate an activity in the future based on one of them.
Lead into the food discussion with something like “What’s the best meal you’ve ever had?” You’ll then probably hear about a very good day, vacation, or event in her life. And these days, everyone is an amateur foodie, so we love to talk about the beurre noisette demi-glace or the sous-vide cooking style. You’ll also get an idea of what food she likes for when you want to take her to eat!
Conversation is an art, and learning how to weave it the way you want is a lifelong journey. People love people who make them feel good about themselves, and people vastly underestimate the power of good conversation. We all want to enjoy ourselves and feel good. No matter what you feel you look like, if you can hold a good conversation and tell a few good stories, you’ll always know what to talk to girls about, and you’re going to be the life of the party. And those traditionally desirable guys are going to be standing on the periphery being jealous of you!
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