What Is A Secure Attachment Style

Women's Dating

What is a Secure Attachment Style?

Dr. Wendy Walsh

Written by: Dr. Wendy Walsh

Dr. Wendy Walsh

Dr. Wendy Walsh is the author of "The 30-Day Love Detox"" (April 2013).

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles and reports have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement.

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With so much talk about attachment style and our relationships, it seems easy to spot someone with anxious or emotionally-avoidant tendencies. But what about someone who can securely attach to another?

Many people of this generation missed this important lesson because their own parents didn’t exactly exhibit healthy relationship skills and may have even divorced.

Here are four ways to identify someone with a secure attachment style.

1. The ability to give and receive care

The ability to give and receive care can become more of a seesaw. Some individuals are amazing caregivers.

They unselfishly pamper those around them. However, when it comes to receiving the same affection from others, they are uncomfortable. The inverse can also occur with an emotionally-avoidant partner.

Ever find a guy who just takes, takes, takes without ever returning the favors? He’s able to receive care but he is not able give.

A partner with a secure attachment style is able to give and receive love, affection and care equally.

2. The ability to fight fair

There is nothing wrong with fighting in a relationship. I would argue if you aren’t fighting with your partner, it’s not a real relationship. The key to fighting is having good fights that resolve the issue at hand and leave it in the past.

Someone with a secure attachment style has this ability to fight fair.

They won’t place all the blame on their partner or chronically put the other down in every argument, and they won’t continue to bring up the fight. What’s done is done.

“Someone who is secure

won’t nervously check their phone.”

3. The ability to tolerate emotional intimacy

First, let’s make one thing clear. Sexual intimacy and emotional intimacy are not the same.

Sexual intimacy isn’t necessarily related to emotional intimacy. Sometimes what you do with your body is just that.

However, someone who can securely attach to their partner will be able to hang the emotional and intimate sharing, giving and loving that comes with having a long-term, committed relationship.

In other words, they aren’t just in it to win it.

4. The ability to trust love

A glaring characteristic of insecurely-attached individuals is the anxious behavior that stems from their fear of abandonment.

Someone who is secure won’t nervously check their phone or stalk their partners on Facebook if they haven’t heard from them in a few hours. They will trust the in the love and bond their partner gives to them.

Photo source: coupleforlife.com

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