1.5 long relationship advice needed

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1.5 long relationship advice needed

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
    May 5, 2019 at 1:40 am FORUM ANNOUNCEMENT

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    Iamnotme
    Iamnotme
    Participant
    April 24, 2019 at 6:07 pm #199120
    1.5 long relationship advice needed

    Struggling on how much support I need to give V.S. breaking up

    **Looking for solid advice. This is an outlet I have come to because I share a friend group with my GF and I don’t want them talking behind her back, my other friends have no dating experience, and I currently don’t see a therapist/dating therapist**

    To sum it up some of the beginning, I’ve been dating a woman in college for about 1.5 years. During the beginning of our relationship she told me of hardships she had previously (specifically with her old school & the way people treated her), and is why she changed schools. Usual case of battling depression & anxiety. Throughout all last year I kept encouraging her to go to class, participate in things our friend group does, and to go out and do things she is passionate for. She does not have many hobbies which also concerns me (& probably ads to the depression) and is insecure. She also claims a rough childhood and an immediate family life thats not perfect, but has improved

    Iamnotme
    Iamnotme
    Participant
    April 24, 2019 at 6:08 pm #199121

    I also seem to be the only thing that will make her happy. She cant find it on her own, she doesn’t have hobbies (while I might choose to workout, or go see my family, or meetup with a friend for lunch or sports, etc. which her not being able to make herself happy really puts the pressure on me to focus time and energy to make her happy. Which IS part of a relationship, making your partner happy, but I feel I cannot be the only thing to do so. Depression flows in waves, and it gets better and worse I understand, and she stopped seeing her therapist (for maybe 3-4 months leading up to my next paragraph) thinking she had it under control.

    Which brings me to my point. After the spring break and our vacation with her family (which was really awesome and we had a great time). She told me on (for examples sake, a Tuesday) Tuesday that she has been thinking about moving home (away from school). I’m thinking “ok you will always have your room here, still be doing classes, etc.”

    Iamnotme
    Iamnotme
    Participant
    April 25, 2019 at 10:35 am #199122

    She tells me on Friday that she is moving back home. I then find out on Saturday that she is moving home because she dropped all her classes (maybe all but 1). Keep in mind, I stopped encouraging her to go to class because I figured it was no longer my job, not that it ever was! Beyond that I asked her about he employment in the college town we are in, she says she would have to give a months notice to quit. After she moved home I have not heard her talk about that job anymore, and she has been actively looking for other jobs near home. So I think she just quit her job without notice and she is afraid to tell me because she knows that I personally value following through with commitments & she was committed to working there even if it was for a month.

    She has plans, that I know of, to retake those classes during the summer. Her plan for next year is to live at home and commute, which is not impossible. She was also excluded from our 6 other friends who are living together next year

    Iamnotme
    Iamnotme
    Participant
    April 25, 2019 at 10:35 am #199124

    Beyond what is currently happening, if she has to much to drink on a night out with friends (with me too), she absolutely HATES me and tells me to F*** off and all that good stuff. She goes as far as running away from the place we are drinking and walking about a mile home by herself (meaning I leave my social life behind and run after her). We have talked about that and since it has quelled, but doing that 5 odd times throughout us dating gets real old. It got to a point she was in my room just yelling at me and I had to kick her out at 3:30 am. After that we had our talk. There are other things too I assume, I am not perfect either nobody is etc, but if I was to share this would literally be the longest thread nobody will read, like it already is so long!

    Iamnotme
    Iamnotme
    Participant
    April 25, 2019 at 10:35 am #199125

    My question is this, should I continue to date her and see where this goes? Are there to many red flags to where I should break up with her? I’ve always felt she has loved me more than I love her. Really weird to say but. Will she break out of this “rut?” or is this even a rut? I told her she needs to seek out her passions and develop what makes her happy. How much time do I give her to do this? Or maybe it will never happen or maybe It will happen after she gets broken up with? Will she actually follow through with her summer school classes? SHE NOW HAS TOLD ME SHE HAS CONTACTED HER THERAPEST and that a good sign.

    My inner “gut” feeling tells me to break up with her. But because of what I mentioned in the beginning; I haven’t been able to talk about this with anyone else and I figured I would try and communicate SOMEHOW.

    TLDR: Read or don’t comment.

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    April 27, 2019 at 11:58 pm #199352

    “..her not being able to make herself happy really puts the pressure on me to focus time and energy to make her happy.”
    Life is a (personal) journey! It is NOT your job to “make her happy”.

    Somewhere down the line you decided to put on a cape and attempt to rescue/save her from herself.
    Women are also known for “taking on projects” as well.
    You think you’re going to improve someone’s life and they’ll be grateful and love you for it.
    However in the end they usually turn on you.

    Now the part that gets interesting is YOU suddenly feel it’s your job to Endure the Abuse.
    After all (they) don’t know how much they (really) “need YOU”. (you’ve come to enjoy being needed.)
    People in “toxic relationships” convince themselves this is what “love” is all about.

    If you had a son what advice would you give him if he had a girlfriend like this?
    The goal is to find someone who (already is) what you want in mate.

    Life is too short to be trying to change water into wine.
    Move on.