Advice needed: short-term dating goals / roadmap

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Advice needed: short-term dating goals / roadmap

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  • Hayley Matthews Hayley Matthews
    DatingAdvice.com
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    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    May 2, 2019 at 10:42 am #199714
    Advice needed: short-term dating goals / roadmap

    Hello! I’ve been thinking about my dating life recently, and it always seems to follow same patterns. Some background:
    – I’m almost 30
    – Never been in a relationship or even kissed a girl
    – I asked a girl out for the first time about 6 years ago
    – I’ve been on dates with dozens of girls since then, probably still less than hundred
    – I’ve met girls via tinder, dating sites or in random every day situations
    – Only a few dates have lead to a second date

    The problem is, all my dates are very similar: We’re just talking, drinking coffee, walking or doing some other activity… Nothing different from what I do with friends! At most, I’ve been on a date with the same girl five times, with absolutely no physical contact except a hug at start/end!

    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    May 2, 2019 at 10:43 am #199715

    I believe the cause is, that I don’t have a clear understanding of what I want or how things should proceed. In the long-term, I’m dreaming about finding a girlfriend, living together, possibly having children. I miss the feeling of being loved and desired. But in the short-term, I’m clueless what steps I should take to get there. I’m not even sure what I’m asking, as these are things I really should figure out myself. But some directions would not hurt. 🙂 Maybe it would help, if those of you who already have more experience could tell me, how your relationships have started. What have the first few dates been like? How have things proceeded?

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    May 2, 2019 at 3:12 pm #199746

    I’m almost 30; Never been in a relationship or even kissed a girl; I asked a girl out for the first time about 6 years ago”
    Since you didn’t start dating until you were in your mid 20s it’s no wonder you have so little experience.

    Most guys have some male friends, older brothers, or a father to get advice from.
    Both guys and girls in their 20s often go to bars/nightclubs with friends for support.

    It sounds like you haven’t kissed any girls because you have NEVER tried to!
    Most women (do not initiate) kissing or sex early on. The (man) is expected make the first move.

    There are three basic reasons why guys do not kiss girls at the end of date.

    1. They did not establish a great rapport/chemistry with them early on with laughter and playful flirtatious banter.
    2. During the date they realized they were no longer interested in her or they could tell (she) wasn’t “into them”.
    3. They lacked (confidence) and were too afraid of being rejected.

    In a world with over 7 Billion people rejection just means: Next!

    dashingscorpio
    dashingscorpio
    Participant
    May 2, 2019 at 3:29 pm #199748

    “I’ve been on dates with dozens of girls since then, probably still less than hundred..”
    “all my dates are very similar: We’re just talking, drinking coffee, walking or doing some other activity…
    “Nothing different from what I do with friends!”
    “…with absolutely no physical contact except a hug at start/end!”

    All of your dates sound like daytime gatherings with no hint of romantic (intention).
    Hopefully you’re not cowardly asking these girls to “hang out” rather than going on a date.
    Are you holding hands while taking these walks?
    Are you cracking jokes and flirting while drinking coffee?
    When you’re “talking” are you asking her what she enjoys doing for fun? Things she hasn’t done but would like to?

    Nighttime dates are more likely to have better odds of kissing and romance.
    There has usually been some cocktails/wine consumed while having dinner, dancing in nightclubs, or at a concert…
    Making out in the car at the end of a date in front of a girl’s home is common and may lead to an invite inside…

    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    May 3, 2019 at 10:57 am #199827

    Thanks for the reply!

    I would say that in most cases it’s 1, sometimes 2. As I’m always the one who asks the girl on a date, I usually want a second date. In some rare cases I change my mind during the date, but more commonly I notice that the girl just isn’t into me. I’m not really afraid of rejection. At this moment, I consider rejection the norm. Anything else, and I’m positively suprised. It’s more about not having experience and not knowing what to do.

    As I’ve met all girls via dating apps or approaching them directly, my intentions are clear.After giving them a direct compliment and having a short conversation, I usually say something like “I’d like to know you better. Why don’t we chat more over coffee some time.” So it’s definitely a date.

    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    May 3, 2019 at 10:58 am #199829

    I would say, that usually it’s about lacking connection. I do ask the girl about her interests, hobbies, passions, family, school, work etc. However, the conversation is usually quite logical. There’s hardly any flirting (apart from eye connection and smiling), and I’m not even sure what banter is. Maybe it’s just my natural communication style that’s causing problems. When I’m with friends, I usually convey information with minimal amount of words, and it’s not uncommon for me to be completely quiet and observe the conversation. When on a date, I of course try to be more verbose. Still, I cannot get out of that logical thinking mode. I’m not a great story/joke teller, but I do use situational humour, when there are suitable moments.

    I see holding hands as a relationship thing. It has some symbolic meaning. I once tried to hold a girls hand with the excuse of ground being icy (so she won’t slip), but it was really akward as it came out of the blue.

    tstudent
    tstudent
    Participant
    May 3, 2019 at 10:59 am #199830

    There have been cases, where we did have a connection. For example, one girl I met five times. She even visited my place and I visited hers, and we had movie nights. It would have been a perfect moment to make some kind of a move, but I can’t just go and kiss her, if there has been no flirting/touching previously during the date. I need to figure out the smaller steps to take before going for a kiss.

    About daytime / nighttime, I’m introvert and absolutist. In my opinion, it’s a good idea to meet at a place, where I feel comfortable/confident. I prefer places with fewer people. Also, I wake up at 6 am for work, so I can’t really stay up late, at least during the week. Even if I were on a vacation, I get tired early and can’t focus during the night.